Social Question

Mariah's avatar

(NSFW) Is there a word for me?

Asked by Mariah (24688points) March 20th, 2013

So I was just reading a discussion online, a guy was explaining that he can’t have sex due to a medical condition, and the group consensus seemed to be that that would be a complete nightmare and some people even said they wouldn’t feel a desire to go on living if they were in that situation. And I found myself thinking about how that would obviously be unfortunate, but the thought of it doesn’t fill me with fear or sadness. I feel like I would be just fine.

And then I got to wondering about myself. I don’t worry too much about labels or anything, but I feel like I may not have a normal sex drive. I enjoy sex when I have it, but I don’t seek it out. I’m never the one to initiate with my boyfriend. In fact, usually when he asks, my initial internal reaction is fairly indifferent. Once we get going, I always enjoy myself, but I also don’t have any desire for it to last a very long time, either.

I don’t think I’m asexual, but it’s weird. Stupidly enough, I can get excited over a sexy scene in a book or movie, but I don’t really get excited over the prospect of having real sex. It’s not my boyfriend either. I do find him attractive, and furthermore I don’t find it terribly exciting to imagine being propositioned by the sexiest man alive, either.

It doesn’t really bother me, it’s just kind of weird and has me wondering. Can anyone relate? Is there a name for this?

PS: Hi jellies, miss you! My classes are a bear this term and I won’t be around much until the summer.

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25 Answers

gailcalled's avatar

Having a weak libido?

zenvelo's avatar

Correct, you are not asexual. But your situation is one of disinterest, and it may be hormonally related. As @gailcalled said, you may have a low libido.

Next time you get a checkup. ask for blood work on your hormone levels.

poisonedantidote's avatar

I can relate to a certain extent. When I was 15 to 17, I was the horniest person alive. Just seeing half an ass cheek could put me in a strange hypnotic slow motion state of mind, that could have me obsessed for hours to weeks.

As I have got older, that has faded away. Now at the age of 30, I am so used to it, that seeing the hottest girl in the world naked does not really do much for me in the sense of visual stimulation. There is no nervousness, no rush, its just another body.

What keeps me going, and keeps me interested in sex and wanting it, is that I am basically a pervert. I enjoy the psychological side of it much more than the physical side.

I have a very high sex drive actually, and do want it on a daily basis, but it is for totally different reasons than it used to be.

When having sex, I find it much more enjoyable to see what kind of faces or noises I can get my partner to make, rather than enjoying the physical sensations I am experiencing.

I enjoy seeing how far, how kinky or weird I can get things to go. I enjoy experimenting with different situations and the thoughts that provokes.

Basically, If I were not so sick in the head and perverted, I would not really be all that interested in sex.

gondwanalon's avatar

I’m definitely no Don Juan, but all the women that I have ever been with have acted just like you. In my eyes “normal” would be a good word for you.

ETpro's avatar

I’ve got a pretty strong drive, but if something left me unable to have sex, it sure as hell wouldn’t be the end of the world to me. There is a lot more to live for than the next orgasm. In fact, if orgasms were all I found worth living for, I don’t think I’d care to go on living.

This, or this, or this, or this can get me to love life in ways even the best orgasm can’t do.

DominicX's avatar

I think it’s just a matter of having a lower sex drive. An asexual would have no sex drive (and the term usually means no sexual attraction either). I’ve felt that way before for a while; it doesn’t seem to be the case right now, but for the past couple of years, I had no sex with anyone and I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t really have any desire to.

bob_'s avatar

Undudely.

Jeruba's avatar

“Low desire” is the expression I’ve heard some people use in talking about feelings like yours. I have heard some women speak about working with their husbands to find ways of making the most of what they do have and meeting them at a level that’s comfortable for both, so it seems that it can be done.

The range of “normal” is probably wider for a lot of things than most people realize. As with a whole lot of other things, movies and fiction give rise to plenty of unrealistic expectations and often invite us to hold ourselves and others to impossible standards. If you had a real cause for concern, you should consult a competent professional, but to me it doesn’t sound like you do.

augustlan's avatar

Just normal, most likely. Somewhere on the range of low drive to high drive, where most folks are. Many women don’t hit their sexual peak until their 30s, so you never know what you might be like later on.

Plucky's avatar

I agree with the collective… I think it’s basically low sex drive.

I can sort of relate. I have a high drive but my partner and I haven’t done anything for at least 5 years or so (she has almost no drive because of her medical condition). Even though my libido is on the high end, it is not something I think about daily (or even weekly). It’s there but it has become less important, if that makes sense. Plus, I might find someone attractive but it doesn’t do anything for me, physically (ie: it doesn’t make me horny). If my partner propositioned me, I’d be all over it…err her (I think I need to have that emotional connection). Sex, to me, is like a bonus in a relationship. I don’t need it but it’s nice – sort of like getting that extra, oh so delicious, topping on a dessert!

downtide's avatar

I totally related to this – until I started testosterone as part of my gender reassignment. Then, suddenly, I couldn’t get enough of it…

rooeytoo's avatar

What is normal? What you describe is normal for you but may not be for someone else. So if you are happy with the way you are and you have a partner who is compatible, then I sure wouldn’t worry about what to call it! I would much rather be as you than the ones you describe you would sell the farm if they couldn’t have sex. Obsession with anything is too demanding on my psyche!

ucme's avatar

You couldn’t give a fuck…
Those dumb bastards that suggested they’d end their lives if sex was forever off limits…yeah right.

Arewethereyet's avatar

You sound like most people I know, normal, life is busy and stressful business once you get going.

bookish1's avatar

Asexuality is on a spectrum. Maybe you are demisexual. I had a girlfriend who was like that, who enjoyed thinking/reading/writing about sex far more than she enjoyed actually engaging in it.
Truly, the antagonistic effects of testosterone and estrogen must be a joke played on us by the gods…

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Mariah Take your time. You’ve been through a lot. You just need to get comfortable with yourself and your body. We all go at different speeds. Talk with your boyfriend and communicate your feelings. Maybe try some ways to please each other without intercourse too. Oral sex can be pretty fun.

livelaughlove21's avatar

I have a similar problem. I think it’s a low sex drive issue, and it sort of sucks. I could honestly go the rest of my life without having sex and it wouldn’t bother me, but it’s not just me that needs to be taken into account.

I, too, can get worked up by a steamy scene in a movie or book and I do enjoy porn from time to time, and I get off on it, but actual sex? Meh, take it or leave it. In most cases, I’d rather leave it.

My husband is very attractive, and he has a high sex drive. Unfortunately, we barely ever have sex because I just don’t feel like it. To be honest, shaving beforehand is almost too much trouble just for a few minutes of fun. I don’t picture myself with other men, ever, so I know it’s not low passion with my husband issue. We had sex quite a bit in the beginning, but I honestly don’t remember being that into it even then. It just seemed like the thing to do.

I feel bad, because a 23-year-old married guy going weeks without sex is far from ideal. I think maybe if I force myself to do it, the interest with develop. Fake it till you make it, right? I would hate for it to negatively affect my marriage.

Another issue I have is low self esteem. I’ll only have sex in the dark, I like missionary so nothing is jiggling, and I’m constantly wondering how ugly my body looks naked. That makes for boring sex, for both of us. I’m not hideous or obese, but being comfortable naked is a foreign notion for me.

Some say a low sex drive in women is normal, but it seems I only hear from women that love sex and want it all the time, so it doesn’t feel all that normal to me.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@livelaughlove21 You and hubby need to talk and be honest with each other. He needs to know about your body image issues, so he can help you feel more comfortable. Believe me when I say he probably loves how you look. Guys love the female form, in all it’s shapes. It’s just how we’re wired. But the communication is the most important.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Thanks. We’re actually very open about it and, you’re right, he insists he loves my body. However, that doesn’t help. I still don’t love it.

I recently had a lot of strange gynecological issues that, 8 months later, I still have no answer to and we went from sex once a week to once a month. We also communicate openly about this and he understands. I still feel bad, though.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@livelaughlove21 That’s all too common in women. I don’t have the answer to how to learn to love your body. If I love the lady I love her body however it looks. I thinks that’s common with guys. As long as you keep the lines of communication open it should be okay. Good luck with everything. You sound like a pretty special couple. :)

flutherother's avatar

There are many words to describe you Mariah and all of them are good.

carob_tree's avatar

@livelaughlove you seem like a nice, decent person but the issues you mention here can wreck a marriage. In your case I wonder if histrionics don’t play at least a crouching role in your psychological garden. Definitely hints at body dysmorphic tendencies and possibly a pathos born of some experience from your past.

There is no shame in seeking professional advice and counseling young lady. I really hope you take my advice. Otherwise the symptoms as you are probably already aware will become worse and your phobic tendencies will grow until they consume what is left of normalcy in your life.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@carob_tree Thanks for your concern but I’ve got it under control. My marriage is probably healthier than most. All couples have issues, and this is simply one of the very few we have and are working on.

Low confidence does not automatically indicate BDD. If I had that, I probably wouldn’t have said, “I’m not hideous or obese.” Quite the opposite, in fact.

carob_tree's avatar

BDD comes in varying degrees and doesn’t always reflects visualizing yourself as heavier than you are. But I sense I may have said too much and I will let it be.

I wish you luck and happiness.

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