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trinitymat's avatar

I don't know how to be mentally healthy after my family problems?

Asked by trinitymat (94points) January 4th, 2014

I am 20, in college. I am with my family for the christmas break. I’ve been nothing but a sharing, open person with them. I haven’t hidden anything.

I was sleeping, my mother woke me up, I asked if theres anything to drink. She said hot tea? I said no, she said green tea (she knows its expired and it tastes terrible, i told her) I said no that I dont like that. She said hot coffee, i said its so hot in the house so I’d rather drink something cold. Then i told her that its okay, ill get up and get something myself.

Then she kept going. Do you want this, do you want that? I said no because she started counting freakin fruit. I was super thirsty. Then she started to scream at me. My heart was pounding so fast. I was still in bed.
She has these moments where she screams at me insulting me for minutes after minutes in another room, without talking directly to me. I hear it, but if i try to respond she will not listen and continue to insult me in the cruelest ways, screaming. Some examples: She says I dont eat anything she makes (i didnt eat ONE thing which was a terrible mushroom omelette which has two worms in it- i dont have to eat all the things). It drives me insane when someone is unfair with me, and because my mother had always been unfair with me, I have a problem with injustice. I cant stand it at all and I push people because I overreact to the smallest unfairness.

She was screaming telling me that I dont have a bf, i dont have friends (I am not like most people, I am an introvert), that i am too open and i am the worst person she ever knows, she said she is being fake to me when she is nice, she cant stand me, she wishes i was dead, etc. I mean MILLIONS of horrible things and all are so unfair. She even said I am the reason she is sick (she has a disorder which she had for years, I was away at school for years though).

She was screaming so loud in the kitchen for about half an hour, and no matter what I say she didn’t stop.

This did happen many times before. She keeps insulting me screaming at me without listening to me. I am permanently damaged because I can’t stand people being unfair anymore, and I have big trust issues and I was suicidal. I don’t know how to deal with the situation anymore.

The worst part of it is I feel guilty and upset when I hit something in the room because there’s nothing else I can do. I feel so upset and think I am a terrible person. Please tell me what I should do here. I feel so broken hearted, I need help.

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12 Answers

marinelife's avatar

You probably need to keep away from your family of origin for a period of time. Consider seeking therapy to learn new ways of communicating with your mother.

For example, don’t fall into the trap of asking your mother for something to drink. Just get up and look around for something you would find acceptable. (Water?)

Responding by breaking or throwing things is not helpful.

When your mother is saying terrible things to you, say “Mom, please don’t talk to me like that. I will have to leave the room.”

YARNLADY's avatar

Follow the steps in the following article carefully. They really work.

hearkat's avatar

Combining this with your other related question, I am getting the impression that your mother needs therapy as much as, if not more than, you do. I can’t begin to guess what her issues are, but she clearly has something going on.

Meanwhile, you are in a tough position. You are an adult, but as a college student, I am guessing that you are still very dependent on your parents, financially. Learning how to emotionally detach from others is difficult – especially when that is a parent. Try not to take her statements personally – she seems to be projecting her issues onto you. When you get back to school, seek out the counselors on campus for guidance through this.

You are right that introversion is not like other people, and many extroverts just can’t comprehend how we can be happy keeping to ourselves or with just a couple close friends, but that is irrelevant. There have been several really good articles and infographics on the internet recently about introversion… I’ll see what I can track down.

I was miserable when I was your age, and even dropped out of college because of it. Hang in there and stay true to yourself – it gets better.

DWW25921's avatar

I’d just straight up just ask your mom why she’s got to be such a bitch all the time.

snowberry's avatar

If this is your mom, can you talk to your dad? Your mom doesn’t sound like she’s mentally well. Can you tell him that? What does he say?

Can you arrange to live somewhere else, such as with another family member?

hearkat's avatar

Here’s an infographic to help extroverts better understand introverts.

This article discusses myths and realities of introversion.

There are a lot of introverts on the internet, so I’m sure you can do your own searches to find information to help you cope and perhaps to help explain your personality to your family. The two above have made the rounds on social media, so I figure that they have resonated with a good number of people.

Smitha's avatar

It could be that your Mom is stressed out and like others mentioned she needs therapy. She is taking her frustrations out on you. This can’t be a healthy environment for you on so many levels. You are a grown up person, you can move in with one of your friends or find another place. Don’t worry everything will be fine. As long as you have faith that things will get better, they will. Just don’t feed into the negativity. Keep yourselves occupied by indulging in activities that interest you. Don’t be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams.

lostinyoureyes's avatar

I empathize and have gone through similar things. Based just on what you wrote, your mom doesn’t sound well, which likely doesn’t have anything to do with you. As a result, you have been damaged too, of course, being her daughter.

My solution was forgiveness and moving out. I don’t know what your solution will be but I very much recommend seeing a psychologist to talk it all out. If you’re open (like you say you are), seeing a therapist is especially ideal. You’ll figure a lot of stuff out.

Your situation and view on life and relationships can change for the better if you make an effort. It might be hard to see that right now but it’s true.

(Your mom needs therapy too.)

KNOWITALL's avatar

Being related to toxic people is hard. Trust issues will probably follow to your other relationships. Get away quick.

VS's avatar

When placed in a situation where people are abusive, the best remedy is to leave the area immediately. Put on clothes and walk out the door. No one should have to suffer that kind of verbal abuse, even if it IS your mother. It sounds like she has issues that have nothing to do with you. If possible, remove yourself from her company as soon as the abuse begins and make her understand that you will not tolerate it, but will leave again if she becomes abusive. I would encourage her to seek therapy and possibly medication for her own well-being as well as those who have to be around her. That much anger is a serious health risk, but it is treatable. You need to look out for yourself first and foremost. Your mom will likely continue to treat you poorly for just as long as you tolerate it. Put a stop to it now.

snowberry's avatar

@trinitymat Are you in a culture where, if you can support yourself, you’re able to move away from your family? Or do they have total control over you until you marry?

Johnath5's avatar

Just keep in mind that this time will go away and happy moments will come back.

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