How does my husband wake up and then not remember?

It’s not so much that he can’t remember, I think, as the fact that he’s turning off the clock in a somnambulistic state. He’s doing it in his sleep, in other words.

I keep an alarm clock in my bedroom so that when I wake up in the dark I can look at it and see the time. But I don’t use it to wake myself except in extraordinary circumstances, when I have to be up extra-early for something. Otherwise, I go to bed sometime after midnight every evening and wake up between 6:30 and 7:30 every morning, and that’s “good enough” for me. If I had to be awake by 5 AM every morning, then I’d be going to bed earlier so that my “normal wake-up” time would be “around 5 AM”, and I’d adjust as needed to get to that point.

Your husband is risking his health by not getting enough sleep; but I imagine that you’ve already had this conversation with him.

In younger days, I would do this if I was sleeping heavily.
As I got older, and went to bed earlier, and had more trouble sleeping, it stopped happening.
These days, my daughter does as you described. She also keeps late nights, and is a very heavy sleeper.

We have many more states than just “awake” and “asleep”. Sleep has non-REM (N1, N2, N3) and REM stages that we cycle through all night long, and your husband is probably in one of the lighter stages that allows him to skim the surface of wakefulness long enough to hit snooze, and then he drops right back down.

@CWOTUS Your husband is risking his health by not getting enough sleep; but I imagine that you’ve already had this conversation with him.

Why would you assume he’s not getting enough sleep? He goes to bed at 9:00 pm, so he gets between 7 and 8 hours of sleep a night. Plenty. And even if it wasn’t plenty, I probably wouldn’t have much of a conversation with him about it. He’s an adult – he doesn’t need me to set his bedtime. If he’s particularly tired, he has no problem heading to bed at 8 or 8:30.

If you assumed that because he hits the snooze so many times, he’s done that since he was a kid. It’s not because he didn’t get enough sleep, it’s because he’s being lazy. I can certainly relate – our bed is pretty damn comfy, and much more than than work.

I agree that he’s doing what @CWOTUS says – switching the alarm off whilst still mostly asleep. I used to do this too, and I had to move my alarm to where I cannot reach it without actually getting out of bed.

@downtide I’d suggest that to him, but my fear is that he’ll let it go off for way too long before getting up. Being yelled at at 5am is probably not a good way for him to start his day. :)

I hate to say it, but I really think that if he’s not ready to get up at 5am, he’s not getting enough sleep. If he’s going to bed early enough that means something is preventing him from sleeping sufficiently deeply.

You could try the Tough Love approach. Let him know in advance that you’re not going to be waking him up after his alarm goes off. When it does, you get up and leave the room. Go have coffee, hang out here, whatever. If he gets up in time to leave for work, Yaaay!

If not, he’s late, and he’s (hopefully) learned his lesson. The next day you have a choice to make. You can do the same again and let his employer pound home the message (which of course may affect your finances), or you can go back to being his mommy and wake him up every morning until eternity.

@downtide Like I said, it’s just laziness. He certainly has no medical condition preventing him from getting a deep sleep. Prior to his first alarm, you’d need a bulldozer to wake him up. He sleeps deep, I assure you. It was once hard for me to get out of bed at 9 am – not because I wasn’t “ready” to wake up or because I wasn’t getting enough sleep, but because I’d rather stay in the comfy bed than get up and go to class. I’m just not a heavy sleeper like he is, so I just lie in bed awake rather than pressing snooze while still asleep.

@snowberry Yeah, I won’t be getting up at 4:45 am just to make a point. He doesn’t expect me to wake him up – I just do it so I don’t have to hear that damn alarm go off again. And he’s been late to work maybe once or twice since he got this job three years ago. If he wakes up late, he just rushes out without breakfast. I wouldn’t let him risk his job because of it, even if that makes me his “mommy.” He brings in over half of our income – yeah, not worth making a point just so I can avoid saying, “you better get up if you want to eat” every morning. It’s not annoying enough to lose money over it. I was just hoping to understand how he does it.

@livelaughlove21 I lived that nightmare for years, so I’m well aware of the ups and downs of it. I finally realized that I’d have to tell hubby that if he wanted ME to sleep with HIM, he’d be respectful of my sleep and get up when the alarm went off instead of forcing me to be repeatedly awakened until he finally decided to get his lazy bum out of bed. Apparently my going to bed in the same bed with him was important enough to him that he started getting up with his alarm the first time it went off.

We have been married 36 years.

@snowberry Well we do have a really comfy bed in one of our spare bedrooms. Hmmm… Unfortunately it’s within hearing distance from the interstate, which is more annoying than the alarms.

I deal. It hasn’t caused an argument in over a year.

When I had to be up at 6:30 I’d set the alarm for 6, and then set two more alarms at 15 minute intervals after that. It just kind of gave me time to prepare. The last alarm though, was the intro to Tom Sawyer. It’d yank me out of bed and on my feet.

Perhaps suggest that he has a different kind of alarm for his final call, like I did?

Nevermind.

When I was in high school I was in the habit of staying up very very late. I guess I couldn’t see the point in going to bed on time because that was boring. Or something.

Anyway, I noticed that I started to turn off my alarm just before it went off, all while I was asleep. Rather than do the smart thing (go to bed on time), I moved the alarm and continued going to bed late. Somehow I managed to get out of bed, turn off the alarm and go back to bed, all in my sleep. Again, I moved the alarm. This time I shoved it under the bed so that both the alarm and the bed were against the wall. I thought I’d fixed my problem.

The next morning I woke myself up by bumping my head while I was under the bed trying to turn off the alarm!

ANYWAY, yeah. Have him set his final alarm to a loud obnoxious one that he can’t ignore, and quit reminding him. As long as he has you to be his final alarm he has no worries. Just let him be late to work a few times, or have to rush rush to get ready.

@CWOTUS You win the “word of the day” award!!!!!

somnambulistic

Holy wordstress batman, that’s wordtastic!

@livelaughlove21 I was totally going to answer your question but just couldn’t get past the big word wielding smartypants.

Thanks, @DWW25921. Apparently, though, @livelaughlove21 thinks I’m being ultracrepidarian, though. I disagree.

@CWOTUS No. Also, my question was not rhetorical. I actually wanted to know why you’d suggest he isn’t getting enough hours of sleep when I did not indicate he was staying up late, was tired all day, etc. Psst, you only need one “though” in that sentence.

I agree with @CWOTUS idea that he is doing it in his sleep. I do the same thing.

As for the possibility that he isn’t getting enough sleep, there is more to getting enough sleep than just the amount of time we commit to sleeping. It has to do with how restful our sleep is. People with various medical conditions can get their “8 hours” and still not get enough sleep because it isn’t adequate, restful sleep. If you truly think he is just lazy, talk to him about it. But, if there is any possibility of it not being laziness, you might want to have him see his doctor to be sure. Many people that have medical issues interfering with sleep don’t realize it until it’s been going on for quite some time.

I didn’t think it was a rhetorical question, not a bit. But anyone who is still sleeping so soundly at wake-up time that he hits the snooze alarm and then can’t recall it (or even needs a snooze alarm, or needs an alarm at all, for that matter) has not gotten enough sleep.

It may not be a question of hours but of quality. Based on the numbers you gave, it seems that “the hours” are there, but if he’s not sleeping well, then the hours won’t much matter.

@CWOTUS Anyone who needs an alarm at all has not gotten enough sleep? Well, that’s pretty much everyone I know, at least on workdays.

@CWOTUS I always get plenty of sleep, but I need an alarm and a snooze because I HATE getting up! I could wallow around in bed all day.

I think his tape recorder is just not running at the time. Takes me a while after I wake up, before mine starts working too.

It’s probably somewhat related to sleep walking/talking. I regularly have entire conversations with other people (they think I’m awake), both on the phone and in person, and later have no memory of it. Hitting the snooze button in my sleep is no challenge at all, haha! When I must be up by a specific time, I have to set at least two obnoxious alarms half an hour apart, and I hit snooze on both of them.

I am just like your husband. I’ve managed to walk my dog in the morning, then go back to sleep and not remember I’d been outside. If you’re trying to understand him better, know that it is pretty horrible to not wake up reliably. I’ve missed exams, been late a thousand times, I’ve let other people down…and there is nothing I can do about it. Your husband is lucky to have you. This is what helped me – to some extent:

Variety. Rotate different alarms.

Vibrating alarms, such as a watch.

One “final” alarm, as suggested above.

Light – tell him to turn on a lamp as soon as he gets up for the first time. Unless that is more disturbing to you, of course…

And lastly, a large drink of water right before bed. Some jelly once told me that’s the method Native Americans used. While it sounds strange, it does work.