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rojo's avatar

"I hate myself for loving you" - Relationship question?

Asked by rojo (21873points) January 20th, 2014

I heard this song by Joan Jett yesterday. I have never been in a relationship of this nature and wondered about them.

Have you ever been in a relationship that, although you realized it was bad for you or going nowhere, you just could not bring yourself to give it up?

If so, why?

Why did you stay? What did you get out of the relationship? What was it about the other person that kept you hanging on? Were they that good at manipulating your feelings or were you that insecure that you did not think you could do better?What did you get out of it (negative or positive)? Did you eventually get out of it? How did you finally leave by yourself or with help? Did you learn and not make the mistake again?

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13 Answers

KNOWITALL's avatar

Love is not reasonable, and makes fools of us all. You overthink that basest of emotion as if it’s your choice.

elbanditoroso's avatar

I had that for a while, but then decided that she was more trouble than she was worth.

The quick story was that I took the initiative in everything we did—dating, doing things together, sex,conversation, you name it. When we began going out, it seemed like each of us contributed (not monetarily, but rather emotionally) to the relationship. But by the latter years, I was the giver and she was the taker and nothing emotional was reciprocated.

So at one point, I argued with myself – you’ve been with her a number of years and you really do have strong feelings – countered with – every time we see each other it’s a chore. Not pleasant. Not fun.

And finally, I decided – the hell with it.

livelaughlove21's avatar

No, but that song is the shit.

Coloma's avatar

My ex husband and yes, I learned. Same as @elbanditorosos sharing, along with other unhealthy stuff that I was not willing to put up with anymore. I was the leader of the parade as well, the innovator, initiator of almost everything. Where to live, plans made, social life, emotional sharing, and I resented always being the one that took the bull by the horns.

If I was going to be both the man and the woman in the relationship why not just divorce and be married to myself? Get along little doggie. lol

DWW25921's avatar

Comfort zones are important for people but they’re not always healthy. You can be used to something and simply not feel like changing.

zenvelo's avatar

I think a lot of us get into relationships that ca be defined that way. I think it happens when we’re not in a good relationship with ourselves, we put ourselves in a position with someone else that is not best for us.

I went out with a woman that I thought was wonderful, but she really treated me like shit. And as I reflected back on it, it was because I thought she was wonderful for even being willing to be with me. But she needed me because she needed a captive, and I needed her at the time because of my own neediness.

Coloma's avatar

@zenvelo It gets harder at this time of life to find a good fit. I just want a mind mate, someone I really enjoy talking to that shares common interests and a good sense of humor and enthusiasm for paling around together. I give up, I am so done with 50 something yr. old men that still consider their penis to be the end all and be all of their universe. lol

zenvelo's avatar

@Coloma I really should drive up to Auburn and take you out to dinner….

josie's avatar

What if they are younger than 50?:)

Coloma's avatar

@josie Heh! ;-)
A nurse I was talking to recently had an elderly man whose dying wish was to be sent off in hand. lol
He begged and begged her but she stuck to it not being a part of her job description. lol
Seriously, sometimes, you guys…

Til death do you part with your penises. lol

rojo's avatar

Personally, @Coloma, I plan on taking mine with me.

I might consider making replicas if the demand is great enough though.

Coloma's avatar

@rojo Maybe make a plaster cast and send it to the Smithsonian. lol

jlk2525's avatar

Absolutely, you can love someone so much you just can’t end it. I think a lot of it is you may have invested a great deal of time in the relationship or been through a lot and it’s difficult to let it go.

I stayed at first because I thought I couldn’t live with out him but when I accepted I deserved better and built up my self esteem I ended it. My partner would give me crumbs of a positive future, or do something nice every now and then to counteract the abusive stuff. It was as if I was in a fog, not believing the person I fell in love with could be the person hurting me.

Above all I got out of it an understanding of how I will never allow myself to be treated again and knowing my needs are completely rational and should be met.

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