General Question

lostinyoureyes's avatar

Why can't I find "my people"?

Asked by lostinyoureyes (1121points) November 4th, 2014

I’m in my late twenties and have been in and out of various social groups and communities for years—but still, I can’t seem to find one I feel comfortable enough to feel like I can finally relax and be myself. Is there something wrong with my attitude or have I just been unlucky in this regard?

For some background info, the extended family I grew up with are also very different from me. I never felt a sense of belonging. I don’t know if this affects my present situation in any way.

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16 Answers

janbb's avatar

What really drives you in life? What are your passions? Figure that out and then find a way to go where there are people who share them.

derekfnord's avatar

Rather than waiting to relax and be yourself after finding a social group you feel comfortable in, why not try being yourself first? Then any social group that accepts you will be—by definition—a social group you can feel comfortable being yourself within. :)

chyna's avatar

There are so many things to join to meet people. You could join a gym, a yoga class, book club, hiking, skiing, cooking, crafts, anything that you love.

JLeslie's avatar

It isn’t unusual for people to maintain the status quo from their childhood. If feeling uncomfortable is your normal then it might be difficult to break out if that, but it’s definitely possible.

Maybe you don’t know where to look or how to befriend your type of people. Who are your people anyway? What are you interested in? What do you like to do in your spare time? What do you like to talk about?

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Are you perhaps expecting too much, setting high targets regarding people of your age group? How about approaching older age groups, would that make you feel comfortable?

janbb's avatar

Once you do identify your main interests, you can find affinity groups (or clubs) on

Spicy's avatar

I’m so sorry you fell like this….. Been there it’s a lonely place.

Haleth's avatar

If you have unusual viewpoints or interests, it can be hard to meet people and form friendships.

The best thing I can suggest is to let people in, or be more open to getting to know people. What that means is, spend time (and really listen to them) even if you’re not sure about them at first. Be interested, learn what makes them tick, and gradually show them more of your real inner self.

All of my best friendships have been with people who weren’t really like me. What makes these friendships meaningful is the buildup of time, where we’ve been there for each other and learned about each other’s idiosyncrasies. We have a lot of interests that don’t match up, but it widens our horizons.

lynfromnm's avatar

There’s nothing wrong with not fitting into another group. Meet with people you like who are in that group, but without the rest of the group. No one is going to have the exact same interests or values you do, but be willing to ask them questions and learn what they are passionate about. Become the kind of friend you want.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

Maybe you need to look at this differently. Why don’t you fit into the groups you’re already a part of as well as you would like to? Maybe rather than looking for a group of people like yourself, you need to appreciate what makes your current groups special, and adapt to their social environment.

LostInParadise's avatar

Start by asking yourself why you did not feel comfortable with the various social groups. Is it because you felt that you did not share enough in common? Did your political or religious beliefs clash with those around you? Were there personality differences that got in the way? Did you feel that you could not trust these people? Might you have been overprotective? You need to take stock of what it is that you want. You might be looking in the wrong places or asking for too much.

Shut_Yo_Mouth's avatar

Hi there lostinyour eyes. I’ve lost my peer group many times, it hurts like hell. You see I reconnected on my Facebook but I began drinking heavily and had some enemies, so I was posting horrid things and they dropped me (once again) I’ve lost my peers from work when I became disabled.
No advice here, you are not alone.

Shut_Yo_Mouth's avatar

I didn’t want it but I was forced into the role. I am the pinnacle of rugged American individualism, all excet the gov’t check. I took a Kempo karate class once the sensei said “never take the hit” and as far as Kempo is looked down upon in the martial arts world, I think that was pretty good advice.

seekingwolf's avatar

Ask yourself if you really need to be part of a “group”. Why not just focus on finding quality friends?

I’ve never had a social group that I was a part of. Ever. I’ve had several friends that I saw 1 on 1 or very occasionally in a group setting (but we were not actually a group, just happened to go to an event together) but I’ve never been part of a social group. It’s just not in my nature and it’s something I’ve given up searching for a long time ago.

Some people just aren’t cut out for groups and that’s okay!!

dopeguru's avatar

Hi. Are you content with your state of mind? Are you content with your job (if you have one) or goals (you should have some)? If you are content with at least one of these look for what makes you content with them. Is it hope? Is it self-confidence? Is it both? Then ask yourself this question: Who are others which have similar/same ideals as me? If you can think of a group or individual, even as an idea, then you should look for meeting and possibly meeting relationships with them. This doesn’t mean you can’t get along with people completely different than you, but it simply would make you feel that there are people whom you can relate to on a high basis. Lowering your standards might help too. Also, not all of us are social butterflies. I am often the awkward girl in the room or conversation. I acknowledge my difference and let others acknowledge it as well, so its a matter of acceptance from then on. Look for people you can have fluid relationships with through mutual acceptance and freedom. Looking is half the feeling of finding. It counts. Even if you don’t find it, you will be half fulfilled.

NomoreY_A's avatar

Can’t help with that one, I’ve always been pretty extroverted and talkative, I manage to fit in most anywhere. I’m also good if I find myself alone somewhere, I just find something to occupy my mind and interests. Keep on truckin’, onward thru the fog. Maybe just jump in there, talk to people, ask about their liked and dislikes, you know? Everybody has an interesting story, in my experience.

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