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wsxwh111's avatar

Trying to make a change, I wonder what can I do to make my dad feel better?

Asked by wsxwh111 (2464points) November 29th, 2014

This dude sent me a message with some thoughtfully advice, and I rethink and found I didn’t man up to face the reality. I guess what I actually want to know is what should I do about my dad now.
As someone here may don’t know what’s going on, excuse me for explaining briefly. I’m a gay in college in China, which is generally not very friendly to LGBT people. I came out about half a year ago.My dad and mom both loved me so much, and my mom took it faster. My dad said, which is the best I could expect, that I can live my own life, it’s okay. When I returned home a month later, he still talked to me and told me I don’t need to be so exclusive because I haven’t dated a girl, though I had already said many times that sexual orientation can’t be changed, saying it’s parents’ responsibility to remind children.
3 months later I returned home again during summer break. He acted as usual trying to pretend nothing happened but all his moves and a call before I came back home implied he still had lots of pressure. After all, the environment and people in China. I guess all dads(or all straight guys) don’t express their emotions very often, and so is my dad. I figured he needed time to take this, so we didn’t talk about this very often. Several days ago he said “You being gay has changed everything.” I sent him some articles from PFLAG (which is amazing…China literally don’t have any information for parents or gays..Some of us, including me, are translating English materials, though) and told him gently that it;s okay and every parent would feel this way, but I’m here, the same person and I’m his son, always have, always will.
Today I carefully talked with him about some topics about gay, and he told me that he can handle the pressure, and all I need to care is myself.(Which is right, I guess..:b)
That’s it.. And I found part of what I’m anxious about is that it’s funny but I found I don’t know much about my dad..My mom took care of me, maybe that’s part of the reason. I think they’re kinda like Phil and Claire in Modern family but not that harmonious. They do both love me deeply, though. And me, too.
So I guess I’m trying to ask is, what should I do about my dad? Actually before I came out or even knew I was gay, we don’t talk too much, either. It’s like I know he’s there, he loves me but we kinda don’t share much things in common.So now should I just, like he said, know he’s there for me, and mind my own business, or is there anything I can do to make him feel better?
Thanks a lot for going through all these, and for all your help, literally.:)

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6 Answers

wsxwh111's avatar

Oh it’s too long… sorry for this guys.

Mimishu1995's avatar

So the reason you asked so many gay questions is that you are confused whether your dad really accept your sexuality?

As far as I know men, especially men from Eastern culture, tend to be taciturn and don’t want to reveal their true feeling. They prefer practical action to words. Your dad may care for you but in his own way. It’s pretty hard to get your dad’s true feeling, especially when you two aren’t so close like you said.

There can be two possibilities: either he is truthful that he loves you although he is under pressure from the society, or he is ashamed about you being gay but he doesn’t say.

Whatever it is, I think it’s time for you to get close to him. You said you don’t know him much, so to know what is on his mind, you should develop a good relationship with him. Help him with everyday tasks. Show your love and empathy to him. Take time to ask whether he need anything… anything you can do to show him you love him in a practical way. You will get to know him, and he will eventually tell you what he feels, or much better, come to accept you if he is having prejudice toward you now.

marinelife's avatar

There is nothing you can do to make your dad feel better directly. He has to adjust, and it may take longer than you think, or he may never be OK with it.

What you could do is tell your dad what you said here: that you want to know more about him, his history, his growing up, his feelings. He may or may not respond, but you’ll have put it out there. It shows your dad that you care about him.

zenvelo's avatar

Your father is responsible for his own feelings. Sounds to me like you have done all you can; your father needs to come to the realization that this is the way the world is and he has no choice in it. He can either find joy in you as his son, or he can deny reality and make his own life sad.

jaytkay's avatar

I think your father is doing a good job of trying to understand. And you are good to want him to feel better.

Being gay is only one part of your life. It is very big now, but your accomplishments and your work and your relationship with your parents will become more important.

Live a good life. Be a good man who makes his father proud.

wsxwh111's avatar

@Mimishu1995 To answer the first question, yes, obviously..
lol. I guess I’m a little dependent and childish.. Working on that.
Thanks for all your help:) I’ll try to tell him more how I feel and get to know him.
And thanks for all people here:)

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