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dopeguru's avatar

Is it an act of courage to let someone know how they make you feel?

Asked by dopeguru (1917points) April 9th, 2015

I recently had to let someone who has been in my life for a year know how devastating they make me feel every time I hangout with them. We are two completely different personalities. I told him that I couldn’t get rid of this concerning feeling in each encounter and how I won’t feel good going to bed tonight. He doesn’t want me to be in his life and he made sure I realized that. I just can’t seem to move on, and I let him know this verbally for the first time, two days ago.

I just tried to be real. I couldn’t act cool and pretend like I’m fine when I would feel awful after we meet, as I always do.

I believe I am obsessed and I suggested him that. We talked for about 3 hours straight and I kept it going because I was afraid of leaving the restaurant and going home to then feel devastated.

This was the goodbye, but it also was a twisted confession on my part. He thinks I am quite crazy and wants me out of his life, and I made him realize how obsessed and sad I am which is something I never confessed to before. Truth has come out. Before, Id pretend like I’m the cool thing who is decent with everything related to him, but would be destroyed when Im on my own. Do you think it was brave for me to leave my pride and ego aside and tell him how him rejecting me, and him being in my life overall had an awful influence in my personal health? I simply wanted some kind of sympathy/help from him… I felt hopelessly imprisoned by the obsession. We did leave on good terms but I was anxious and revealing throughout the talk as I never have been before.

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13 Answers

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chyna's avatar

I wouldn’t over analyze it. You’ve already made the confession and can’t take it back. It doesn’t matter whether anyone here thinks it was courageous or silly.

zenvelo's avatar

I agree with @chyna, but to answer the question, no, you were not courageous. You were mean and vindictive and lashing out at him because of the relationship not working out. You tell him, “your being in my life devastates me, so please have pity and be nice to me and stay in my life.”

You don’t want a relationship, you want a hostage.

dabbler's avatar

Just because it might have been difficult for you to express doesn’t mean it was courageous.

In particular you seem to be blaming him for your feelings. Your feelings are your own and you need to own them. If you know a situation will “make you” feel bad you should avoid it, or take the consequences.

Sometimes there is simply bad chemistry in a relationship and it should end, that is not either of your fault.
If you let your obsession drive you to try to try to get something that you know from experience is unavailable from that relationship, that is your fault. Cut it out and do something useful with your life.

Also, if this person always “makes you” feel bad, why are you expecting sympathy for your outpouring of festering emotional pain? Stop trying to buy avocados at the hardware store so to speak.

JLeslie's avatar

I don’t think I would call it courageous, but if you needed to vent you did. Purged all that sadness and anger, and now hopefully you can move forward. He has been bad to you, which means, unfortunately, he likely doesn’t care how you feel. More reason to rid yourself of him.

JLeslie's avatar

I guess it took courage for you to do it. Not the confronting him part, but courage to face these things for yourself. Doing what you did makes it all real. Now if you go back you disappoint yourself, because you have admitted and accepted he is bad for you. I’m sure it’s painful for you, but in the end it will be so much better.

LostInParadise's avatar

It is more a matter of establishing closure than acting courageously. The conclusion that both of you should draw from this is that the relationship is not worth pursuing and that it is time for the two of you to go your separate ways.

canidmajor's avatar

I am truly sorry you feel so much pain over this, but this person isn’t making you feel devastated, you are continually seeking out the devastation yourself. It sounds like he has now resorted to being harsh because you refuse to leave him alone, and he has made it clear that he doesn’t want to be with you.
Not courageous, sorry, but desperate. @zenvelo is right, you want a hostage.

Leave him alone. It’s really hard to move on, but you need to take that first step.

rojo's avatar

No, not brave but necessary, for you. Perhaps now you can get on with your life and find someone new.

marinelife's avatar

Leave the poor guy alone. If you are obsessed it is your problem. You need professional help to deal with it.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Try to meet someone new. That is the best healer.

rojo's avatar

@Dutchess_III I thought this was the best heeler.

Kardamom's avatar

I would not call it courageous. I would call it mis-guided, wishful thinking.

I think when you found out that he wasn’t interested in you, you should have just walked away. By telling him how obsessed you were with him, you put him in an awkward position and he probably wants to get away from you. Put yourself in his position for a moment. What if someone that you didn’t like (even if you once had sex with them, even if you liked them briefly, but then figured out you didn’t actually like them after all) told you that they were obsessed by you, even after you told them to stay away from you? Wouldn’t you think that person was a creeper, and possibly a stalker? I’m not saying that you are a stalker, but from the other point of view, it certainly looks like that. No one (not even a jerk) wants that kind of attention.

Even if he is a jerk, and even if he isn’t, it didn’t help the situation for either one of you to tell him that you were obsessed with him.

You didn’t need to pretend that you were “fine” when you saw him. You needed to, and still need to walk away from him.

Now, you should seek a therapist who can help you work through this situation, so that you can live your life without being obsessed, or acting upon obsessions. They can also teach you to know the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy relationship. Right now, I don’t think you can tell the difference. We’re worried for you.

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