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JackofHearts's avatar

Is it normal to lack motivation after the death of a loved one?

Asked by JackofHearts (379points) April 15th, 2015 from iPhone

Just had a brother pass away. We lost him tragically to suicide.

I’m finding it hard to get things done. Can’t seem to focus and I’m often zoning out.

Is this normal?

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18 Answers

ZEPHYRA's avatar

More than normal. It will be that way for a long time. It is one of the many phases of grieving you will be going through. So sorry about what happened to your family. Just find comfort in the fact that he finally found peace. Courage to you and yours.

janbb's avatar

Extremely normal. Give yourself permission to let things that are not immediately necessary slide. Do try to take good care of yourself. I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss; that is a heartbreaker.

canidmajor's avatar

I am so sorry this happened, @JackofHearts, I wish for you some peace with this in time.

It is normal to feel enervated, you have undergone a terrible terrible shock, it will take some time to sort this all out.

longgone's avatar

You’ll feel that way for a while, and if you are like me, you’ll tell yourself to feel okay again much too early. It takes time. Let it.

I’m so sorry!

Pandora's avatar

I went through the same thing when my father passed away. I think it is your mind trying to rest between all the emotions. Someday’s I was so overwhelmed that I needed to shut down. Not think about anything. It’s just a part of the healing processes. In any death, there is guilt, anger, and sorrow and numbness and you never know when they are going to show up. It’s a lot to take in. People often try to make sense of suicide and there it is a long road before you accept that there is no sense to it. My condolences to you and your family.

marinelife's avatar

It’s grief. Do not beat yourself up over it. I stayed in a fog for a year after losing my mom

LuckyGuy's avatar

I’m sure a bunch of people here would gladly help (cut grass, clean the rain gutters, feed the dog, shop for groceries, ... whatever), if you let us.

Coloma's avatar

My deepest condolences and yes, as others have said, what you’re experiencing is normal.
Great shock tends to rattle one to their core and it takes time to adjust to life after a grave loss. My good friend lost her twin brother to a sudden death about 6 years ago and her father then killed himself several months later.
He had lost his wife and then his son within a few months of each other and clearly could not cope.

My friend lost her long term stepmother, her twin brother and father all within a 5 month period. It took her a solid 5 years to make her peace with it all.
A grief support group may help you but really, all that can be said is that time, a lot of time, will soften the shock and pain and you will find a way to go on. Peace to you.

Buttonstc's avatar

I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

My Mother committed suicide and it took a long long time before I was functioning in some way resembling normal.

There is one thing you should know, and it was a really good Psychiatrist who told me this even tho I didn’t understand it at the time.

He said that death is usually always a shock, especially when sudden and unexpected but suicide is in a category all by itself because it involves the will.

And most of the other people I spoke to who had the same experience confirmed that.

When you feel up to it, I would strongly recommend looking for a local group specifically for those who’ve experienced the suicide of a loved one.

You can check under SOS (Survivors of Suicide) because it’s a national network.

One thing that I especially appreciated was that there is zero pressure to participate. You can just go and sit and listen for as long as you want to. I found that a relief.

And hearing about others experiences, in time, helped with the one thing that is part of the legacy that a completed suicide leaves for those who love him; namely, guilt.

It’s not logical at all because it was his decision but I guarantee you that every single person whom a suicide leaves behind feels guilt at not preventing it.

As I said, it makes no logical sense. But it just is. You can’t spend a lifetime carrying that around because it’s not deserved. Please go to an SOS group because I guarantee you that as understanding as others may try to be, if they haven’t been through it, they just don’t have a clue. You will eventually feel isolated and that’s not good for you.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

This is totally normal @JackofHearts. The death of our loved ones is a huge emotional event. Even when we’re expecting them to die, we’re likely to experience emotional upheaval. In your case, your brother’s suicide is going to have enormous effect on you. It might be a good idea to read some books about grief and the effect it can have on us. I tend to find if I understand what I’m going through, it’s easier for me to cope. I’m very sorry for your loss and I hope you have a good support network.

SQUEEKY2's avatar

Yeah, your totally normal, and it will get easier to deal with in time.

susanc's avatar

Dear JackofHearts, you are doing the right thing, which is finding stillness. That’s the honorable path. You’re not idle, you’re working hard. Take credit for doing this hard work. Sleep a lot, have quietness, talk with kind people, take walks, be in nature (it’s spring, which may seem paradoxical). Sending love to you. You’re fine. It’s just plain shitty, is all.

chyna's avatar

I lost my brother too about a month and a half ago. I feel like you do, that I have absolutely no motivation and prefer to come home after work and hole up.
Hugs to you.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

As everyone else said, yes, it’s very normal. I lost my best friend (who was family enough, to me) to suicide slightly over 5 years ago. It wasn’t until about a year ago that things started to actually get better for me.

I would encourage you, like I have encouraged others who experienced suicide of a loved one, to seek some kind of therapy. Or, again as others have suggested, a group. I didn’t, and it was almost the worst decision of my life. Take help if you need it, in whatever form you need it in. Your instinct might be to isolate yourself, but try hard not to let that happen.

I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

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JackofHearts's avatar

I’m having a hard time being alone right now. I’m assuming that’s normal?

janbb's avatar

Yes – that’s normal. There are many different reactions to grieving that are all normal.

longgone's avatar

@JackofHearts Very normal. Don’t try to tough it out, please – if being alone does not feel good, try not to be alone. Things will fall in place, in time.

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