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micchon's avatar

I broke up with my emotionally and verbally abusive boyfriend. Now what?

Asked by micchon (391points) May 13th, 2015

I was the one who asked this question months ago (click here and here) and a week after I asked this question, he physically hurt me.

A month later, I learned that he cheated on me last November. Tonight, we were fighting again about my past. I decided to end it. But now what? How do I move on now? I was so damaged. It wasn’t easy for me to leave the relationship even if I know it’s unhealthy. Right now, I don’t know what to do anymore.

It seems like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Also, we’re still in college. We might see each other in school and I don’t know what to do if ever that happened. He damaged all of me I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. There were so much ups and downs but we’re always down.
Please help me, I don’t know what to do anymore.

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14 Answers

ucme's avatar

Rejoice, the new improved you begins here.

marinelife's avatar

If you are in college, seek counseling from the Health Center. You need help repairing your self esteem and learning to see that your abuser was the problem—not you.

Strauss's avatar

Congratulations! You’ve taken an extremely important, extremely difficult, but extremely significant first step. You might be able to find some type of support group, maybe on campus, maybe in the community, or maybe online; or, as @marinelife just posted (while I was typing this), seek some counseling from the resources at the school.

Now that you have found the courage to take the first step, you must realize that you are a beautiful person, and you deserve a life free from this type of abuse.

janbb's avatar

It takes a long time to rebuild after getting out of an abusive relationship. @marinelife‘s idea of a counselor is spot-on. In addition to that, seek out positive times with your girlfriends or put effort into making some new ones, get busy with activities that you enjoy. Try not to be alone too much but give yourself time to grieve. Avoid the people, places and things that trigger memories of him. If possible, try to avoid running into him.

Is your semester nearly over for the year? Will you be in a different environment for the summer? That will help some but there will be a longish road to recovery.

Try not to get involved in another relationship too soon. You need time to regrow your sense of self. I know whereof I speak.

Best of luck and give yourself a lot of credit for ending it.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Yes get some counseling. He hurt you in ways you don’t even realize today.

Strauss's avatar

I would also echo @janbb‘s suggestion for a change of environment. The best way to change your attitude is to change your behavior patterns, and the best way to change your behavior patterns is a complete change of environment.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Now what? You get off it, get over it, and get on with it. You can’t pick up spilled milk, but you can go get another glass. You can go back there, if he takes you back, and find yourself, but it might come with bruises and a mouse under your eye time to time, but who would want that?*

gorillapaws's avatar

You’ve taken the hardest step already. Focus on yourself, stay away from men and relationships for a while. I agree that seeking counseling is a good idea. Also it sounds like you’re very into the arts. Perhaps you could learn a new medium and really pour your energy into that for a while? There’s nothing like learning something fun, new, challenging and exciting to distract you from issues in your personal life. Art can be very therapeutic, so can animals, and close friends/family.

Best wishes and I’m glad you had the courage to make the right choice for yourself.

Judi's avatar

Do you have counseling available to you? This sounds like a perfect time to talk to a professional. You will most likely have some PTSD symptoms and a professional will be able to help you navigate in the healthiest way possible.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Just MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT GET TIPPED OVER and back to him again. Over means over, no more friendly or unfriendly discussions. Do not be tempted to talk about past, present or future! If you really and honestly shut the door behind him, WELL DONE! I hope you have not isolated yourself from old friends and relatives. These people will be your support net if you have them in your life. Go out, meet friends, FOCUS ON YOUR EDUCATION AND PERSONAL CULTIVATION. Do not look back and do not even talk on the phone with him. Realise that you now have a life. No searching for a replacement yet, enjoy life, get some help, find your strength with nature’s help, exercise and start believing in yourself.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Make a list of every hurtful, abusive thing he’s ever said to you. When you feel like you’re wavering, read that list.

It’s like any other bad habit…just keep walking away. The feelings and the urges will fade.

Pachy's avatar

Take a deep breath, celebrate your victory, and stay off the market for a while to giove yourself a chance to heal and not fall into another bad relationship.

ninjacolin's avatar

May be a dangerous truth to realize but.. There’s nothing wrong with being promiscuous as long as you are safe.

I think staying away from relationships for a while makes sense though. Including just-for-fun relations. Take some time to build a new story of you. It may include some hard times for a while and that’s okay. That’s just the beginning.

When you see him again you have permission to turn the other way for a while and/or excuse yourself from his presecence. As long as it doesn’t include missing class, exams, work or anything else important for your long term story.

Ask for help from everyone good in your life.

Focus on creating an interesting and challenging adventure for yourself over the next few months. Aim for a happy ending without him.

JLeslie's avatar

Was he angry about the break up or fine with it?

It will probably take you a few months to start feeling like you are getting past it. I wish you felt relief, but it sounds to me like you feel pretty badly right now. Let people help you. Close friends, your mom if you can talk to her, siblings, whoever will support you and spend time with you.

If you get really bad see a therapist so you can talk things through.

I promise you no matter how badly you feel, you will feel better. Just know that.

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