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DrasticDreamer's avatar

For those of you who have walked away from someone?

Asked by DrasticDreamer (23983points) June 30th, 2015

I know there are quite a few people on Fluther who had to make the choice in their life to walk away from someone close to them, and those people are who this question is geared toward.

When you made the decision that enough was enough, was it after things accumulated through the years? Did it happen calmly? Or was there one day, one defining moment, where you’d just had too much and you couldn’t handle it anymore and things kind of exploded?

When/how did you know that you just couldn’t do it any longer?

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15 Answers

talljasperman's avatar

My mom said I couldn’t have any friends over anytime and I punched the hospitals brick wall and broke 3 bones in my hand. I got committed for 5 months and found new housing in my new city. Things are better now. I still haven’t had anyone over in my apartment.

canidmajor's avatar

I just did this. After a lifetime of problems and issues, and imagining walking away every time there was a triggering event, I finally decided to stop having any contact with a family member. There was no triggering event, no angry moment, just a decision based on the level of soul-weary that I felt.
I think I was starting to resent that I was avoiding major events in the lives of other family members that I love because of this person, so I had to let them go.

It is an extraordinarily painful thing. If you feel you have to do this, I wish you peace with this decision. Trust your instincts.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@canidmajor I’m getting to that point. It is extremely confusing and difficult for me, given who the person is and what our past was. I know they do love me, but they just don’t handle things in a way that I feel like I can deal with anymore. To say it’s always negative and volatile is an understatement. But the last time I was basically pleading for better and safer communication, they referred to it as “psychobabble bullshit” and disregarded why I was asking, so bluntly, for better communication. It’s a loaded subject and it hurts a lot, but I just really feel like I’m getting to that point.

Zaku's avatar

It’s been different in different cases, for me. But the worst was when I saw too attached to leave, and so even though I’d get clear signs and know sometimes that it was no good being with this person, I was too attached to leave. In the end, I wished I’d left the very first time I’d known that. Not leaving that relationship was the one thing that had the largest negative impact on my entire life, by far. Not that there weren’t also good things, but in hindsight, it’s clear. Memo to self: Leave as soon as you know the person is screwed up.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@Zaku Family or significant other?

Coloma's avatar

I’ve walked away from quite a few people over the years and divorced as well.
Some culminated in a blow up others I just calmly decided I was done and they no longer were a fit for who I was and where I was in my life/ growth process. A couple were toxic friends and unable to hear my feelings about their behaviors/actions. It gets easier as you get older, less drama, more calm resolve.

I move on quite easily this last 10 years or so. Reasons and seasons and all that jazz. :-)

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Some people are toxic. Nothing you can do with them except walk away. I don’t know what makes them that way, but distance between you and them is the best thing you can do.

Mimishu1995's avatar

I did. It started as a good relationship, but then gradually turned toxic as she began to take advantage of my kindness. One day I couldn’t take the meaness any longer and started to ask her to change. She refused to do anythinh because she thought it was “part of true friendship”. We had a quarrel, then I decided that I had had enough, and walked away. It was painful, but as I look back now, I think I’ve made the right decision.

kritiper's avatar

There comes that moment when the writing on the wall becomes just so clear that you have no choice but to admit it to yourself.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

It was after a build up of problems over a number of years. In the end, the final ‘that’s it’ was brought about by an argument.

I felt like my feelings were always secondary to the other members of my family. I was expected to afford other family members leeway when they did something unreasonable, irrational or whatever, but I was afforded no such leeway. There were some things that happened that went beyond my tolerance limits. I drew a line in the sand and it was crossed and I determined that was a step too far and I needed to protect my own emotions and self-respect. I could not turn the other cheek anymore.

Zaku's avatar

@DrasticDreamer The main one was spouse. I strongly advise against marrying anyone in hopes it will get better.

Also ended a friendship or two.

I haven’t had to leave any of my own family, thankfully. However I’ve been semi-related to people who I’d wished would disown some of their family. Supported them as those relationships were forever causing stress, chaos and craziness. Glad I don’t have to do that anymore.

wsxwh111's avatar

Good question.
It was in senior year in high school, when i was like 16 or 17, that I knew unconciously that I couldn’t rely on my parents. After a so-called “explosion”.
And it took me 4 years to suffer and struggle in pain to take care of them& try to grow up.
Now it’s still complicated and I realized maybe there’s a chance that I can finally become independant in a right way. And I still feel pain.
No pain, no gain. So darn right.
Every time I feel myself grown a little bit, there’s definately some pain before it.
Generally speaking, it’s a process, but you may have some breakdowns on the way. On some point, you may feel that’s it and it’s huge and it’s the only thing in your life but hang in there and you’ll gradually figure out a way.
My case is a little severe and may sound a little serious :b.

hearkat's avatar

I’ve done it a few times. Twice with ending romantic relationships, and once with a parent. I also have no contact with the family member who abused me during my childhood. In all cases it came down to reaching the point of realizing ‘insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result’. I could not let go until I was certain that I had done everything in my power to make the relationship with that person work, and then I could walk away with a clean conscience. When I hit my breaking point, it was always in a moment of clarity – I knew that nothing I could say or do could prompt what I wanted or needed from that person in order to justify spending another minute of my time with them.

Two of those people are now dead. In knowing that I did everything I could to try to make things work, I didn’t have repressed guilt or any other mixed feelings. I felt pure sorrow for the tragedy that was my ex-husband’s life and for the fact that our son would grow up without a father. I’ve never cried so hard as I did at his funeral. When my own father died several years after I’d cut off ties with him, I simply felt nothing. I found it odd at first; but then I realized that I’d already grieved for the loss of ever having a ‘daddy’ or even a healthy adult relationship with him, so his physical death was inconsequential at that point.

The other ex is still alive and doing fairly well. He’s still in touch with my son, who considered him his ‘step-dad’ for several years. At the time when I dropped him off and decided I was finished, I was certain that he was at fault for everything that was wrong in our relationship. Within a few years, I had an awakening to the role I played in that disaster – how by having such low self-esteem, I tolerated things that a healthy person wouldn’t. I also woke up to the fact that I played some top-level head games, deflecting the attention off of all the shit that was wrong with me and shining the spotlight on his fuckups, all in the guise of helping him better himself. I was masterful at deflection, projection and all other sorts of psychological self-preservation techniques.

It was this awakening that allowed me to forgive those who hurt me for not taking accountability for their actions. It also was the beginning of my own change in taking accountability for myself and living an honest life. Learning to let go of the past and make choices in the present that will allow me to sleep soundly in the future. I went into subsequent relationships placing no expectations on others, but taking full responsibility for my own choices and actions. The couple of times it didn’t work out, I was able to walk away much easier, rather than having the drawn-out drama I’d had in those two earlier romances. Now in my current relationship, there is absolutely no drama. Considering all those years I spent dishing out and taking a lot of verbal and physical abuse and fighting about everything, it is amazing to have a peaceful co-existence with another self-actualized adult.

I know this comment is much after the fact, and I hope your situation is working out well for you. Feel free to PM me (here, or on FB – I’m there much more often) if you need someone to listen.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@hearkat Thank you very much for being comfortable enough to give me that kind of answer.

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