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NeedAnswers89's avatar

Would you stay with a man who is 34 and still lives at home with his mother?

Asked by NeedAnswers89 (22points) October 24th, 2015

Hello everyone.

I have pretty much just had it and want personal opinion about a relationship I was in that I recently ended….

Is it normal for a grown man to still be living with his mother???

I met my ex when I was 23. He was 32. I’m 25 now and he’s 34.

He was living with his mom then and still lives with her now.

I was living with an ex before, then moved and rented a room – and now I currently have my own apartment.

What makes me mad the most is that I have progressed – he hasn’t. He is still stuck living with his mother.

He is just lazy and his mom babies him. They always text, go to Disneyland together- the relationship between him and his mom was just WEIRD….. He is 34 and addresses his mom and “mommy” and she pays his cell phone bill, food, anything, his Disneyland pass, etc…. He doesn’t have to pay rent or even his cell phone bill…. The whole thing was just very odd to me…...

I understand if a guy is hitting on rough times and needs a little help.

But my ex could have gotten a job and worked… He is just lazy and his mom spoils him.

Love truly is blind…. I was with him for about a year and ignored the situation even though I obviously felt weird out about it….

Just wondering if any other women have been in this type of relationship?

I know I deserved before.

I am a decade younger than him and have progressed so much more and I feel like he held me back…. He still lives with his mom and I believe he will live there until he’s 70…....

I just don’t understand this mentality…. He was a momma’s boy to the extreme, it seemed like a strange co-dependent relationship….

Is a man living with his mother a deal breaker? Are there any reasons why a woman would stay with someone like that?

I’m definitely learning from this lesson to never be with a lazy momma’s boy anymore :(

I admit I was stupid for even wasting time with him.

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18 Answers

chyna's avatar

This is definitely a deal breaker. You will never be able to compete with his mommy.
I’m sorry you wasted a year on this little boy, but you have learned and moved on. This guy will never leave and for any woman wanting to create a life with a man, this will never be the man. The whole thing sounds creepy to me.

Also, welcome to Fluther!

jerv's avatar

One thing to bear in mind is that living with parents is more common these days. Take a look at this article as well as the government statistics behind it and you’ll see that many adults (of bot… all genders) are staying with their folks well into their 30s.

That said, it sounds like your ex was a little closer to his mother than I ever was with mine.

_Seek_'s avatar

Well, I did marry the guy who shared a house with his mother, but it’s because his mother was dependent upon him. He owned a business, she was disabled.

JLeslie's avatar

My BIL lived at home until his mid 30’s. In his culture you usually don’t move out until you get married. But, he wasn’t unusually attached to his parents.

I think it can be a bad sign if someone is still living with their parents in their 30’s, but you need the whole story. Your story sounds like you bf is unproductive, and that’s the biggest problem in my mind. He should be self sufficient by his age. He won’t be a good husband and worse if you have kids with him? Have you thought about that? Your son could be just like him.

NeedAnswers89's avatar

Yes I completely understand that. If you are struggling financially towards a goal – then I’m all for living with your parents… Or maybe parents need help… I’m all for that.

The thing that bothered me was he was lazy, unproductive momma’s boy.

If I was living at home I would use the free rent to be more productive… I guess the issue is just him being a leech / and lazy. @jerv

NeedAnswers89's avatar

He isn’t self sufficient at all.

He’s not disabled, not stupid….. he just chooses to be lazy and live of his mom. It’s a very weird dynamic.

He is 34 but his mom still calls him baby and said he is beautiful. He calls his mom “mommy” still and the whole thing as weird….. Kind of like bordering Norman Bates relationship with his mother weird….

He doesn’t even pay his own cell phone bill at 34 years of age. Like I said he is not stupid or disabled so…..

He says his mom gets lonely and that’s why he’s there to fix stuff around the house. I feel it’s just all bull crap….. He’s a grown 34 turning 35 year old man…..

His brother is 36 and has his own house, career as a principal, car, pays his own bills, has a wife, his own children (like a normal grown adult). I feel like I got stuck with the bad son.

How can 1 son be independent and normal – and the other son is completely dependent on his mommy…. @JLeslie

NeedAnswers89's avatar

He gets to live rent free with no bills whatsoever…. He has no responsibility whatsoever as a 34 year old man… His mom pays all his bills, food, etc. Even the car he has is in his mother’s name…......

I am independent and self sufficient. I’m 25 and struggling on my own.

I pay my own phone bill, my own car, car insurance, apartment rent, groceries, etc. EVERYTHING I have I pay on my own with my own money….. This is why I’m struggling. My car is in my name, my phone is in my name…. Everything I have I have worked hard for….

It makes me feel like he’s not a man.

It makes me think he’s a weak little girl. I am a decade younger than him and busting my ass to have a good life.

I have to struggle and work hard while he gets taken care of by his mommy like he’s 12 years old.

I don’t feel this is fair…. especially in a relationship. Sorry everyone I am just venting.

JLeslie's avatar

Why do you stay with him?

I still sometimes call my parents mommy and daddy.

_Seek_'s avatar

Feel free to vent – this is a good place for it.

Yeah, I’d drop that guy like a bad habit before someone finds the stack of brains in his deep-freezer.

chyna's avatar

@JLeslie She has dumped him.

johnpowell's avatar

I lived with my mom when I was 34. She was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes so I moved 120 miles to live in her backyard so I could make sure the lawn was mowed and the the garbage was taken out on Thursdays and the kitchen was clean.

She had a little “mother-in-law apartment” in the backyard so I never really had to go into the house.

I would like to think I was being a good son.

However, your dude is a fucking child.

msh's avatar

Boy did you dodge the bullet! Lucky you!
Why are you still so angry?
They are perfectly happy. And will be.
You learned a year’s worth of “Don’t choose this way ever again”.
Look at how far you have come! Good for you!
An apartment, a job, car, phone, autonomy….
So why is one foot still caught in his Mommy’s door?
What was the final whiz-bang that made you angry enough to start this separation?
Did your home life not allow you to have a life-long ticket to Disney Universe? Or the reinforced: You’re Wonderful?
Don’t be jealous of ‘messed up’.
But what is it that attracted you to him in the first place?
Did you give each other the pep-talk that if you both worked, and saved, you could be together sans Mommy?
He didn’t come through. Ouch.
You have accomplished a great deal. Why not go forth and find someone else who has done the same?
You are alright. You have to figure out how to totally walk away with all of you.
Time. Chocolate. Universal Studios Passes. Ice cream. Friends night out weekly until the coast is cleared of ‘what am I gonna do now’ panic?
You are a strong young woman.
You’ll be fine.
(pick the chocolate option first and go from there…)

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Mommy is ebabling him and he is gloating on it! It’s one thing to love, support and respect your parents and another to leech off them! Luckily you wasted no more time on him.

Coloma's avatar

Every family has its dysfunctions, some more dysfunctional than others. This is one of the more dysfunctional.
There is no point in spinning your wheels about why the situation is what it is. It just is, and clearly it is not working for you.

filmfann's avatar

I suppose it depends on the situation.
I moved out when I was 22.
When I was 27, my father passed away. My Mom was an emotional wreck. My sisters and my brother all owned houses, and I was in my apartment. I moved home to help her through the adjustment. I stayed for a little over 2 years, during which time I married, and had a child. My wife understood the situation, and we got through it, though it was often challenging.
I do know that my Mom would have been unable to function without my support, so I am glad I did it.
After my wife and I moved, we would occasionally take vacations with my Mom, which both she and my kids loved. We usually paid for it, but occasionally she would gift us with a trip.
It has now been 10 years since she passed, and I am glad we did that.

2davidc8's avatar

@NeedAnswers89 I sense that you are angry that you “wasted” two years of your life with this guy. But think of it this way: you learned something. If you learned something, then it wasn’t two years wasted. You just paid tuition in the school of life.

talljasperman's avatar

With the economy this bad one can forgive some people living at home. I did until I was 35 and I finally have a place on my own.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Both mommy and son need counseling. In your situation….No. Hell no. Exceptions would be that he is responsible for her well-being and she is either living with him or he is living with her to take care of her. That’s 180 degrees in the other direction. Unless you want to be a mommy to your significant other don’t date a mommas boy.

..and to be completely honest, it’s unlikely you would be able to pry him away from her in the long run anyway.

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