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chinchin31's avatar

My husband does not defend me when his parents disrespect me behind my back , what should I do ?

Asked by chinchin31 (1783points) December 20th, 2015

He says I should just ignore them because they have always been like that and he ignores it. However I think it has reached a point where I just prefer to avoid them completely because they are unbearable.

However the problem is he tells me I should not avoid them.

Also what makes it worse, is that if i end up shouting at them as a means of defending myself he tells me I should apologize to them, however he is never quick to tell them to stop disrespecting me. I find this really rude and one sided.

I feel like he is more concerned about his parents emotions than mine.

Also when I confront his parents about the things they say about me, they say nothing but instead continue to insult me and then go crying to him saying that I have said mean things to them when all I am trying to do is defend myself.

What should I do ?

I think it is ridiculous and fake for him to expect me to pretend like everything is okay just for the sake of keeping the peace.

I am not a fake person. I just could not do this .

How can I hang out with people knowing that they hate me and are always saying evil things about me behind my back?

I honestly feel like I am surrounded by evil.

I feel like my husband is a very weak person and it makes me sick.

I would never allow my parents to disrespect my husband or even me at this point in my life. I am very open and honest with them.

I just feel like my husband is a grown man but for some reason he is afraid of his parents and therefore they believe that their behavior is okay. He doesn’t even defend himself when they insult him.

I know that I am not crazy because every person that I have spoken to about this says that his parents are weird, including some of his family members.

What should I do ?

My strategy right now is to just ignore them completely.

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6 Answers

Seek's avatar

I literally live with a woman who thinks I am the actual spawn of Satan, who honestly believes I’m trying to slowly starve my dog to death (because I monitor the amount he eats, due to his breed) and turn my child into a psychopath (because I don’t allow her to preach her religion to him).

If my husband allowed her to talk to me the way she does without saying anything, I’d punch him in the dick.

Honestly.

marinelife's avatar

@Seek GA for the dick punch reference!

I had poisonous in-laws. Dealing with them takes a multi-pronged strategy, and some support from your husband.

First, you have to work on getting your husband on your side. Getting mad at him for not standing up to his parents will not do that. Instead, tell him that you understand that it is very hard for him to stand up to his parents and that he has your support.

Look at it this way, coming between you two is a win for your in-laws. So you two always need to present a united front. If you can read the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward (and more importantly get your husband to read it), it will help both of you break the patterns of communicating that have become entrenched. If you two react differently to his parents, they will have to react differently to you. The book gives you great skills for communicating.

Next, you have to adopt the stance that you will not allow them to get you to lose your temper and yell or scream so that you are forced to apologize to them. If they goad you to the point that you can’t stand it, have a signal arranged with your husband ( a safe word, if you will) that says to him “I need to leave right now.” If then, he can leave too that is great. The two of you just get up and walk out saying (preferably your husband) “Mom, Dad, it is not OK to insult my wife like that (or speak to my wife in that manner). We will be leaving now.” And then leave! If you stick to this and you never get mad you just leave, they will be forced to change what they say if they want to maintain a relationship with you two. If it is imperative that he stay, then he gets up and says “I am taking chinchin home if you two continue to speak to her in this way,” and then he does it. He can go back if he feels the need.

As for worrying what they say about you not to your face, don’t. You know that it is the two of them that have the problem, not you. That is all you need to keep them from getting under your skin. If they start in on you, just roll your eyes and think to yourself, “Here they go again.” You have won by being a better person than they are and not stooping to their level. Others will see this and be on your side too, even if secretly.

My in-law problem ended when my father-in-law died and my mother-in-law got dementia. Remember that you will outlive them.

One line in the sand that you will have to draw with your husband is that no matter what, his parents cannot come and live with you two. Hold firm.

Hang in there. I know it is hard!

msh's avatar

Ouch!
What an upsetting situation. I am sorry that you are feeling bad in what seems like it’s a hellacious situation. It sounds like you are on your last nerve and need to step waaaaay back for a bit. Are you able to do so?
Bad time of year couples in there to make it all feel worse also.
Short term- calm yourself. You are, and it sounds like have been feeling resentful about a war of the words with those inlaws.(some call outlaws) for a long time. You’d think or wish that your husband would catch on at some point. It really does hurt your feelings and makes you question even the littlest things. Nothing is going to change PDQ, and so that is why I am saying for you to find something else to do, or somehow avoiding the volatile situations with them. Difficult at Xmas.
Not defending the guy, however he seems like he has formed a protective armor growing up, he has gotten to the ‘like water off a duck’s back’ stage to where their crap doesn’t touch him. Unfortunately he believes that you should do the same. The background difference is what he hasn’t a clue about. Or if he does, he’s figuring that it’s not worth the hassle to get both sides riled up – both against him.
Here’s where the anger you feel is spilling over into every part of your lives. It effects the things that you both enjoyed or held close. That is sad when those two can ruin things for you two. It sucks. And they’d Love it!
So stop.
Your anger is going to give you the heart attack, the stroke, or first-degree murder charges- not them!
No one is worth that.
So for two weeks or so, step back. Avoid them. Avoid the situation. Nothing they say or do is going to change that dramatically to where you need to feel the slow boil. You don’t have to have a front row seat for that kind of hell.
Whatever.
Beginning of January, find a third party for you, and later, both of you. Both of you can get this ironed out in a place outside the swirling vortex. You need to feel that you aren’t the odd-person out in the family ‘shut the hell up’ category. You go, even if he doesn’t. You will carry the bad, upsetting, health- effecting baggage with you, whatever the outcome.
This is at a hurtful point. It’s ‘that’ time of year. Question: can you both get away for the holidays? If not, can you go to the movies, or start digging a hole to the opposite side of the earth? Meaning- working on something, together without bringing this particular sore point(s) up to the forefront?
Do calm. Get someone to help in 2016.
Take care of you, and if able, both of you.
Hang in. Take care.

johnpowell's avatar

How can I hang out with people knowing that they hate me and are always saying evil things about me behind my back?

You don’t. Life is to short to hang out with toxic people. Make your husband pick between you and them. Get Chinese food while they are busy talking shit about you getting Chinese food. Someone in the relationship needs some guts and it looks like that is up to you.

Life is short.

I don’t really consider “sucking it up for a day” a reasonable answer. This isn’t like when I pretend to like my aunts liver and Velveeta mac and cheese. They are actively harming you and that is their intention. Don’t put yourself in the situation.

My aunt and uncle did something similar to to me. (not kraft meets Dexter aunt) but a different one. Every conversation basically turned into them talking shit about I have chosen to live my life. I have exchanged two emails in the last decade and I am totally fine with that.

Friend or family. Make me feel like shit and you don’t deserve my time. And I hope your computer breaks so I can laugh while you pay 50 a hour and I would have done it for free if you weren’t such a damn asshole.

edit:: And i do realize that is lot easier said than done.

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