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Mama_Cakes's avatar

I'm so fearful of losing people. How do I work through that?

Asked by Mama_Cakes (10930points) December 29th, 2015 from iPhone

It prevents me from wanting to get close to others at times and that’s no way to live.

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13 Answers

SQUEEKY2's avatar

losing them? not wanting to be friends any more? or to death?

Mama_Cakes's avatar

Death and relationships.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

I know you’ve had a lot of losses in your life, and some quite recently. As a consequence it’s perfectly normal to feel vulnerable. I suffer from this to a degree myself. The thought in the back of my mind that people are going to die. I’m not so bothered by people leaving me, but the thought of death is always back there.

@Mama_Cakes, it really depends how badly this is affecting you. Is it a constant fear that makes you behave irrationally, or just that nagging worry in the back of your mind? If it’s the former, perhaps try to speak to a counsellor to get some advice on how to minimise the fear. If it’s affecting your relationships with others, I do think this is worthwhile doing.

If it’s not such a debilitating fear, let your loved ones know how you’re feeling and why. I think they already know why, so perhaps you just need to try to be open about when you’re feeling frightened and start to analyse when you feel this way. Are there particular triggers? Perhaps you could try journaling and see if that helps you to pick up on when this fear raises its ugly head and if there is anything you can pinpoint as triggering your fear.

Here2_4's avatar

Losing people is tough, but it will happen many times.
When you are in the bathroom, do you ever consider not eating anymore? Of course not. You need the nutrients you draw from your meals. You also probably enjoy some of what you consume.
Sure, people will pass from your life. But you will gain something from those you know. You will benefit from everyone before they leave your life. That is what you hang on to.

msh's avatar

I’ve lost almost everyone and I’m still kicking….....
other people if they get close enough. You might want to choose another hobby, however.
My advice- love the daylights out of them. You will miss the hell out of those who matter. Who loses there if you don’t?
You’ll have to decide the ‘makes you stronger’ train of thought.
You servive.
You change.
You keep going, but you are allowed to sit down a moment or two.

stanleybmanly's avatar

I’ve discovered as I age that the grim reality of morbidity is up for consideration with relentlessly accelerating frequency. As the lights wink out and the bulk of my discretionary expenses shift from dining out and spoiling the grandkids to enriching the florists, I find that the one antidote to perpetual melancholy is a busy life. If there is anything positive in watching your friends and loved ones “muster out”, it is that it teaches you to cherish and embrace those who remain. Biit

Pachy's avatar

Cherish the time you have with them now. I know whereof I speak.

LuckyGuy's avatar

First… (((Hugs)))

Now, I’ll talk like the engineer I am.
Look out the window. See all those people walking on the street, shopping, eating, going to work, ...? Every one of them is going to die. It’s a fact. And every one will be missed by someone.
You can try to fight the feeling of loss but unless you check out first, you will always miss someone. That is a painful part of life. Consider it the dues we all must pay for the pleasure of walking on the top side of the grass.

SQUEEKY2's avatar

First of all,try not to think you will get over their passing, you don’t ever want to get over them, you learn how to live with thier passing and in time you remember them with a warm smile instead of a tear,they would want it this way.

ibstubro's avatar

It’s possible to embrace the passing of your loved ones. It’s all in a mindset.

My great aunt was one of the most positive influences in my life during her later years, She took me in, no questions asked, when I had no place to go, and let me stay as long as I needed to get on my feet. She was unfailingly loving and generous in a no-nonsense way. And don’t get me wrong, she had 4 kids of her own.

When she passed, I was somewhat devastated. She had a gray Grenada that she zipped around in all day, 90-to-nothing, going and doing for everybody that would let her. When I saw a similar gray car on the street, it would stab at my heart. I’d see a white haired lady in the distance and before I could process it, I’d think, “Oh, there’s Aunt Tootie!” Stab.

Finally one day I took the tack that those sightings really were her. Not physically, but in spirit. As long as I am alive to remember her (as here) and celebrate her life, a part of her lives on. I embraced the sightings. A boxy gray car would zip around the corner out of sight, and I’d think, “Yup, there goes Tootie!” and smile. Granted, the smile was sometimes through tears (as at this moment), but the tiny bit of bitter just makes it all the more sweet.

We all die. But none of us truly leave this life until there’s no longer anyone left to remember us. You weren’t left holding the bag, you were left holding life. Yours, and a portion of those dear to you that are now gone. You do everyone a disservice by not carrying on in a way that honors those past from this life, and those that will hold your memory dear after you’re gone.

marinelife's avatar

Think how your life would have been had you never known the people that you have lost at all. Would it be richer? Would it be as colorful? Would it be as full of love? If the answer to those questions is no, then it is worth the pain of the losses for the richness, color, and love that knowing those people has brought into your life.

GLOOM's avatar

People come and go…

I struggle with terms: I had, and have, a son, but I don’t possess a single human being, including my own son. He comes and goes on his own accord, and there will be the day when we have parted ways forever.

I am of the mind that I can never lose a human because I can’t really have them to lose.

I think the best advice I can give, is to enjoy “yours” while they are present; and remember them well, with joy, when you all part.

tinyfaery's avatar

@Mama_Cakes I’ll be vague, because I know you better than most of these people and I do not want to give away too much info about you.

This is something you really need to work out. You need some solid time in therapy. Therapy is for things like this. It’s an educated neutral party that can help you figure out why you have these fears and what you can do about changing your mindset. No excuses. Just do it.

I can tell you that the death of a person really close to when they are still fairly young can really fuck you up. When you really love someone so much thinking of something happening to them is horrifying, but you have to realize that you cannot control everything, and you have to live your life. Do all you can while you can. Nothing is forever.

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