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Aster's avatar

Are terms of endearment important in a marriage?

Asked by Aster (19949points) May 19th, 2016

How would you feel about being married to someone who, in twenty five years, has never once called you honey, darling or sweetie? Any term of endearment will do. What if they are a much loved , generous, successful, hard working, thoughtful person but not once has done this? Would it matter much to you or do you not care?

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16 Answers

marinelife's avatar

It matters. My husband does not call me traditional endearments, but he coins his own which are very tender.

Aster's avatar

For me, I’ve been “sweetie” since we were dating!

Espiritus_Corvus's avatar

Very. The more original, the better. Pet names are important. They connect to good feelings in memory, like a song, which is very usefull in dark times.

anniereborn's avatar

It’s important to me too. It wouldn’t be a deal breaker though.

Dutchess_III's avatar

It’s been 15 years. Don’t know if it will start bugging me after 25, but I doubt it.

GSLeader's avatar

Been there, done that, it’s all good.

Mint's avatar

It depends on the individuals.

A great book I’ve read titled, “The 5 love languages”, by Gary Chapman explained in a nutshell that we all experience love in different ways. It put many things into perspective for me, with detail I previously lacked.

Basically there are 5 love languages, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and gifts. Each individual naturally gravitates towards certain categories and measures, “love”, accordingly.

It can explain for example, a blue collar construction worker slaving for 6 years scraping together enough for a trip to Tahiti and subsequently having a wife that felt for 6 years her husband was emotionally absent at home (he being tired, her language being quality time – his being gifts). She would have traded that trip in a heartbeat, for 10 minutes on the couch every day with her husband. He wanted to express his love for her. In his eyes, he felt that the trip and sacrifices he made to arrive at that point were a symbol of his devotion and love. In her eyes, he did not love her because he didn’t spend time with her. It’s a simple misunderstanding of what makes us tick on an emotional level.

Terms of endearment are important to someone who values words of affirmation.
They should also be important if your significant other values words of affirmation.

In the example you provided it sounds highly feasible that maybe on some level miscommunication is occurring. I would recommend reading the book and seeing if any of it, is pertinent to the couple listed in your example.

It would matter to me under these two conditions:
If terms of endearment mattered greatly to me (my measure of love heavily favors words of affirmation).
My significant other knew that it mattered to me (aware of my love language).

Our subsequent course of action (she now aware that I do not express love in this way naturally—me aware that she measures love in a way I normally do not express it – words of affirmation) would then determine our future, based on our own personal tolerances, emotional expectations and needs as we moved forward. Is his best enough? In the example provided, the use of those terms even on a minimal scale would constitute sufficiency.

Do you know if the woman in this example has ever voiced her need for those terms to be used? How many times? What was his response?

Dutchess_III's avatar

One time, thanks to Rick, I found myself alone, except for my useless Dakota dog, in a boat that had run out of gas, in the middle of the lake, and it was getting dark.
I was slowly, slowly floating all the way across the lake, to the north side. Three hours I floated, watching the truck lights of my husband’s truck, as he frantically drove ‘round and round the the lake. Round and round and round. I found it grimly hilarious.
By the time I got close it was fully dark. I could just make out the dark silhouette of trees and stuff. A couple of hours earlier, I had begun convincing my self that I was in a great deal more peril than I actually was. I was adrift on the high seas, almost run down the Titanic and sharks and shit, with nothing to sustain me except beer, cigarettes and my faithful guard dog. And a book. Which I read by pulling one of the running lights out of the holder, trailinga long wire and put it in a better spot for me to read by.
The shore I was getting closer and closer to was really a deserted island.
Suddenly, out of the darkness a voice rang out: “Honey! Are you OK??”
It startled me bad! I thought “Holy crap! The natives speak English!”
Then I thought…wait. I recognize that voice. It was Rick. But something was wrong. He never calls me “Honey”! Never.
I looked back at my brave, faithful guard dog, who was lying on her back, in the bottom of the boat, legs stuck up in the air, fast asleep, dead to the world, where she’d been for the last 3 hours.
I yelled back, “Dakota’s fine!”

Stinley's avatar

My husband and I have pet names for each other. Not Fido and Tibbles you must understand but not darling or sweetie either. I like it.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Muffin Top?

Love_my_doggie's avatar

Some people are inclined to use terms of endearment; other people aren’t. What matters is truly loving one’s partner and treating that person with kindness and respect. I don’t care whether I’m called “Sweetie” or “Hey you,” as long as it’s in the context of nice words.

Dutchess_III's avatar

My husband told me I have a “good face” the other day…..WTH??? Then he ‘splained that he was speaking from a barber’s POV. Oh, that was just….that was…WTH??

ucme's avatar

She calls me Jellytot & I call her Shnookums…try saying that on the cusp of climax #spraythatagain

cookieman's avatar

I like them, so yes. Some folks may not care.

For the record, I call my wife “Ducky” and she calls me by my last name — in the same tone my friends used when I was in school.

PS: We have different last names.

MooCows's avatar

I can tell you from experience that yes it makes a big difference
especially if terms of endearment is one of your love languages.
My husband of 28 years has said I love you maybe 10 times
but he does other things that to him prove he loves me more
than the words. I do wish he understood how him using terms
of endearment to me makes me feel and I am truly missing out
on that. We talk about it once in a while but if you have to “tell”
someone what to say and it is not from their heart what’s the point?
When we were first married I would ask him too many times
“Do you love me?” and of course he said if I didn’t love you I
wouldn’t have married you. If I would have heard more terms of
endearment I think I would have felt lots more secure in my
relationship with my husband at first. Now after almost 30 years
it doesn’t really bother me and it is certainly not in his character
to say them. He doesn’t even tell his mom he loves her when he
hangs up the phone…but it is the little things he does that add up
nicely and when he does slip an endearment in or pinch me on
the butt I know it is for real. But if I had my way yes…i would love
to hear them.

Gaby13's avatar

I've been married for 22 years. I’ve never heard any term of endearment from my wife, and now I’m in process of getting divorced.

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