General Question

sd2ny's avatar

Ladies... Why arent you attracted to nice guys!

Asked by sd2ny (72points) July 30th, 2008 from iPhone

I enjoy giving and being a nice, generous person. But I find that the only way to keep a girl’s interest is to treat her like crap!

What is it about nice guys that is such a turn off??

How can a guy be nice and generous without losing a girl that likes jerks?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

68 Answers

Les's avatar

I want a nice guy, I just can’t find one.

sd2ny's avatar

All women THINK they want a nice guy, but when they get him, they lose interest!!

wildflower's avatar

I believe niceness and generosity can at times be misinterpreted as uninteresting and uninventive.
Example: You’re trying to be nice by letting her make all the decisions. She thinks you’re not interested and not trying to engage her interest.

Aim at being kind, generous and nice, but still have your own determination, suggestions, ideas and opinions.

sd2ny's avatar

I am usually always in control, I just like giving and being honest

Les's avatar

@sd2ny: No, I disagree. I admit, there was a time in my life that I like the rebel, or the guy with all the problems. But I am older now and am ready to find someone who will treat me well and who would be a good dad. I think it is all a matter of perspective. I am done with the “dating just to date” phase of my life, where it didn’t matter if the guy was nice or an ass. Now, there is no reason for me to date an ass hole, because I don’t deserve to be treated poorly, or have my future kids treated poorly.

sd2ny's avatar

Lol well I’m an attractive 20 year old… Def not lookin to b a daddy anytime soon.. So what ur saying is I need to suck it up and act like the rebel/badass that these girls r lookin for!

wildflower's avatar

Have you tried asking how these girls see you? I know it might seem weird to ask a date or even an ex for ‘feedback’, but if you’re worried about why you’re misunderstood, why not have a talk with one or some of these women that it didn’t work out with. Get their story, see what you learn from it.
Maybe you just happen to be attracted to the type that wants a rough rebel or maybe your intentions got lost along the way…..find out for sure!
We can sit here and give you all the advice in the world, but none of us have been out with you and can’t tell you where the signals go wrong.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

you should read the answers we already gave to this question here

incidentally, my answer hasn’t changed much:

I hate it when guys ask me this. I’m sorry if this offends you, but I don’t know what guy first thought this up as a way to deny that their problems were their own fault, but it’s simply not true. “Nice guys” do not always finish last. “Good girls” do not always choose “bad boys”. and NO I DON’T WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE CRAP. for example, i feel insulted that you even asked this questions! and i’m telling you about it!

If you really think that “the only way to keep the interest” OF ALL THE GIRLS YOU’VE DATED “is to treat her like crap!” then it sounds like they all have really low self-esteem. Maybe you should think about why you were attracted to them

I’m sick of being insulted with questions like this!
The women who are real and smart are attracted to great guys, and I like to think that most of us are smart, so don’t insult us with questions that disrespect us!

Les's avatar

@sd2ny: Please don’t put words in my mouth. I never said anything like that. I’m not looking to be a mom any time soon, either. But I am also not interested in a relationship that would not lead anywhere. I never said you have to be an ass either. There are girls who like that sort of thing, sure. And I can’t tell you why. But what I can tell you is that there are plenty of women out there who do not like to be treated like crap. There are women who want to be treated like, oh I don’t know, a woman and a human being. I am suggesting to you that perhaps it is not you who has the problem, but the women you are seeking. Maybe the better question here is not “Why aren’t women attracted to nice guys?” but “Why is sd2ny attracted to the wrong women?”

Next time someone offers his/her opinion on your question, don’t attack him/her.

nikipedia's avatar

Why aren’t you attracted to girls who like nice guys?

marinelife's avatar

First, what you proposed in your “question” is simply not true. Secondly, it’s an oversimplification. Let’s turn it around. Is nice all you want in a woman? I am thinking not.

Women usually want men who are fun, have a good sense of humor, are bright, who take good care of themselves physically, who are interested in them, and who are good and decent.

sd2ny's avatar

every woman thinks she is the exeption to the rule!!!

Most women r the same; granted even abroken clock is right twice a day..

I have found that the more I give my all in a relationship, or a friendship, the sooner a girl gets tired!!

And I don’t care what u women say, actions speak louder than words. Everytime u hook up with a jerk, everytime u lose interest in a nice guy cuz he isn’t exciting enough or rebelious enough, u r just validating the fact that girls date jerks!

Les's avatar

And I have just lost interest in this thread.

Sd2ny, don’t ask a question you don’t want answered.

wildflower's avatar

With a view like that of women… really is a baffling mystery why they get turned off!!

sd2ny's avatar

I@marina. Good point. I am a very well rounded, intelligent, ambitious, aytractive, and nice person.. Being nice is only only one of my personality traits, so its possible girls r turned off by an alterior trait

sd2ny's avatar

@nikipedia. Ha I think honestly I have that honestly… But is it a bad thing to think that I am nearly perfect?

megalongcat's avatar

Most of the time, it’s young women that aren’t attracted to nice guys. This is because instinctively women are attracted to men with bravado, and confidence(real or fake) because it’s natural for them to want to be with someone “strong” and “protective”; a guy that stands out from the rest. Being too nice is psychological grouped with “weakness” The quickest way to get a younger girl to date you is to be a pompous ass, jerk, etc. With older women; however, this doesn’t fly usually as they’ve grown up, matured, and know how to properly interact with the other gender. (The same applies to men).;

marinelife's avatar

Instead of getting angry at all these women, express interest in what they are interested in, ask them questions, find out what they care about. Also, start with friendship. A good romantic relationship is a friendship with a spark.

Cultivate women as friends.

qashqai's avatar

I think that sometimes is just impossible to understand ladies.
And maybe that’s one of the top reasons we love them so much, even though we will never admit it.

sd2ny's avatar

@megalomgcat bravo to u for being one of the only women to not only admit thatmany women r attracted to jerks but you provide a possible explanaitiom. That’s what I was looking for

jlm11f's avatar

i think megalongcat is a guy

megalongcat's avatar

I know I’m a guy. o_o

megalongcat's avatar

I think I need to change my avatar if I’m readily seen as female. >_>, or perhaps change the way I write.

sd2ny's avatar

ha apologies… Knew it was too good to b tru!

flameboi's avatar

Girls don’t lik a nice guys because they normally tend to be overwhelming, and the whole thing revolves in the fact that the guy sees the girls as its ultimate achievemente, like the girl makes him a better person, so, girls don’t want to be the reason for doing anything, girls want a protective, caring man yet mature and responsible enough to grow (personal and professional) by himself, supportive (all the way to the end). Not a kid that say things like “I’m nothing without you”. A girl needs someone to grow with…

TheHaight's avatar

So… SD2NY: what kind of girls do you normally go for? Because I don’t get it… I like nice guys. I have a nice guy, sure he has his ups and downs but all around I’ve always been attracted to nice guys

&megalongcat: don’t change! :).

jlm11f's avatar

flameboi’s quip reminds me of a reallly nice guy one of my friends dated. he used to wake up like 5 am every Saturday to volunteer at the Soup Kitchen for pete’s sake. but 2 days into the dating, he was always calling and always asking Qs like “what did you do today? how do you feel about this? how do you feel about that? what are you thinking RIGHT NOW? etc etc.” and when she would ask him the same Q, he would answer “i feel very lucky to have you”. I think she just got too overwhelmed (like I said, they were dating for only a couple of days at that point) and she just had to break up with him. Later on he dated someone else we know, and that girl found him to be suffocating too (he did the same stuff with her). i felt bad for him, i kind of just wanted to call him and tell him to ease the fuck up.

tinyfaery's avatar

@megalong I take issue with your “because it’s natural for them” statement. Natural is a very loaded word, and culturally defined.

marinelife's avatar

What I think is amusing in this thread is that only the men agree and/or offer explanations for the Questioner’s original premise. The women do not agree that this is the case.

As a data point, I have mostly dated nice guys. If I dated a jerk, it did not last long enough to be a relationship.

flameboi's avatar

Sorry for all the misspellings in my last post :s
You don’t need to be like that to be nice, a guy needs to know basic stuff, that in my case, learnt from my dad.
1. Hold the door/chair/whatever the lady is approaching to, (unlocking the car is not enough, open the door for her, we all know she can do it, but, just do it)
2. Cold night, offer her your jacket
3. At a restaurant, discuss the menu, and when the waiter arrives, ask her what she would like to order, and order for her.
4. Learn how to pour wine on her glass without spilling (my friend Ann told me that she loves the way I do it)
5. Learn to cook, it doesn’t have to be caviar & blinis, but something nice :)
6. If she invites you, give her a hand in the kitchen
7. Listen to her always. Do not pretend you do
8. Get involved in the things she finds interesting, if you don’t like or don’t know, find the relevant info and go with her, and ask for an explanation if you need to…
9. Ask for her opinion when you are making a decision.
10. Make her feel loved, and equal to you, and, send flowers for no reason, and remember, you don’t have to call or text all the time, there are more ways to let her know that you care for her…

Poser's avatar

This article has an interesting (and, I think, accurate) perspective on this very question.

marinelife's avatar

@Poser Bingo.

megalongcat's avatar

[Tinyfaery] Fair enough, choose a word that’s better apt for what I was talking about than natural. Instinct? The general trend? Any of those would do for the most part.

I’m using natural in the sense of the word that something is instinctive.

And culture is the second hardest word to define. The first is nature I believe so it’s just my poor choice of wording.

tinyfaery's avatar

@melong I wouldn’t say instinctive. I’m a woman, and I have very little “instinct” to want anyone to protect me; I happen to want to do the protecting. The word Instinct is culturally determined, just as much as the word nature. But no biggie. I just wanted to point this out.

megalongcat's avatar

I wouldn’t say the word instinct is culturally determined. I would say that what people consider instinctive is culturally determined. And my girlfriend doesn’t need or want a man to protect her, but she would never be with a man who didn’t possess the ability to do so. You’d be very surprised at the staggering numbers of women who want a man that is neither physically nor mentally weak. Hence the trend of women choosing Jerks, assholes and pricks over nice guys. And of course, like everything else. There are exceptions.

(I would also say it’s instinctive for women to want to protect their territory, but that’s a human trait =O )

marinelife's avatar

@megalongcat What makes you say it’s a trend and sd2ny state it as a fact? Where is the data to support this? I say that women who prefer jerks are the exception.

megalongcat's avatar

[Marina]Go grab a psychology book; you can look it up and find one yourself on human nature, habits, and attitudes.

sd2ny's avatar

I think PnL helped me out.. I tend to be the guy who texts and calls the girl that I am interested in too often.

I love giving and receiving attention. I think many girls see this as a sign of weakness and or feel overwhelmed…
I can’t seem to restrain myself from calling or testing all the time!!!

syz's avatar

I spent 9 years married and then 11 years in another relationship – both of them would be considered nice guys. If any guy tried to treat me like crap, all he would see is my backside walking away.

marinelife's avatar

@mlc That is not data. You are both making unsupported statements.

megalongcat's avatar

[Marina] Then the same applies to you. Where is your cold hard data?

TheHaight's avatar

Then give them some space sd2ny! Women love the right amount of space. The clinginess is so annoying..

delirium's avatar

I have a nice guy. I like him. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

megalongcat's avatar

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure tons of women have nice guys as their boyfriends/whatever. But how the person who asked the question is defining nice guy is different then “a nice guy”; hence why the people answering his question are doing so in such a way.

sd2ny's avatar

ya maybe that’s my issue… I’m clingy… Prob cuz my last gf broke my heart :(

In all fairness.. I retract my statement that all women are attracted to jerks. I need to ask the question… Why do I end up with girls that like to date jerks?

delirium's avatar

Bad taste. You really might be a jerk and not realize it and that’s why they end up with you?

megalongcat's avatar

Well, that’s a question you’ve got to ask yourself haha. We can’t really answer that for you.

TheHaight's avatar

Yep. Agree with Delirium. We dont truely know you, so it seems a bit hard to answer your question.

Maybe you’re somewhat inexperienced, and over time you will know which one is the right girl for you. Date, make friends with women, get to know who they are.

[And I am truely sorry your girlfriend broke your heart.]

La_chica_gomela's avatar

sd2ny, i am so proud of you!
really, i think your last 2 comments have shown a great deal of insight!
now, you can really start to get somewhere!

marinelife's avatar

You are now asking the right question! You may need to address this clinginess issue. Did you look at the link Poser posted? Yes, it was sarcastic, but some of what it said was sound.

“If you have one bad relationship after another, the only common denominator is YOU. Think about it.

What’s wrong with Nice Guys? The biggest problem is that most Nice Guys™ are hideously insecure. They are so anxious to be liked and loved that they do things for other people to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. You never know if a Nice Guy really likes you for who you are, or if he has glommed onto you out of desperation because you actually paid some kind of attention to him.

Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find “Nice Guys” to be too clingy, self-abasing, and insecure.

Nice Guys go overboard. They bring roses to a “lets get together for coffee” date. They try to buy her affections with presents and fancy things. They think they know about romance, but their timing is all wrong, and they either come-on too strong, too hard and too fast, OR, they are so shy and unassertive, that they hang around pretending to be “friends”, in the hope that somehow, someway, they will get the courage up to ask her out for a “date”.

They are so desperate to please that they put aside their own needs, and place the object of their desire on a pedestal. Instead of appreciating her, they worship her. We are only human, and pedestals are narrow, confining places to be—not to mention the fact that we tend to fall off of them.

They cling to her, and want to be “one” with her for fear that if she is out of sight, she may disappear or become attracted to someone else. A Nice Guy often has trouble with emotional intimacy, because he believes that if she learns about the REAL person inside, she will no longer love him.

Nice Guys are always asking HER to make the decisions. They think it’s being equitable, but it puts an unfair burden of responsibility on her, and gives him the opportunity to blame her if the decision was an unwise one.

Nice Guys rarely speak up when something bothers them, and rarely state clearly what it is they want, need and expect. They fear that any kind of conflict might spell the end of the relationship. Instead of comprimising (sic) and negotiating, they repeatedly “give in”. When she doesn’t appreciate their sacrifice, they will complain that, “Everything I did, I did for her.”, as if this somehow elevates them to the status of martyrs. A woman doesn’t want a martyr. She wants an equal, caring, adult partner.

Nice Guys think that they will never meet anyone as special as she is. They use their adoration as a foundation for claiming that “no one will ever love her as much as I do.” Instead of being a profound statement of their devotion, this is a subtle, but nasty insult. It is akin to saying to her: “You are a difficult person, and only I can ever truly love you, so be thankful I’m here.”

The nice guy needs to believe that he is the best person for the object of his desires, because otherwise his insecurities will overrun him with jealousies and fear. The truth of the matter is that there are many people out there who can be a good match for her. We rarely stop loving people we truly care about. Even if we no longer continue the relationship, the feelings will continue… But love isn’t mutually exclusive. We can (and do) love many people in our lives, and romantic love is really no different. Though he may love her immensely, there will likely be other people who have loved her just as much in her past, and will love her just as much in the future. The irony of it all is: “Who would want to go out with someone who was inherintly (sic) unlovable anyways?”

More than loving the woman in his life, a Nice Guy NEEDS her. “She is my Life, my only source of happiness…” YECH! What kind of a burden is that to place on her? That SHE has to be responsible for YOUR happiness? Get a grip!

Another mistake Nice Guys make is to go after “hard luck” cases. They deliberately pick women with neuroses, problems, and personality disorders, because Nice Guys are “helpers”. A Nice Guy thinks that by “helping” this woman, it will make him a better, more lovable person. He thinks it will give him a sense of accomplishment, and that she will appreciate and love him more, for all his efforts and sacrifice. He is usually disappointed by the results. ”

Maybe if you think back over your relationships, you can see if any of these are similar to your pattern.

sd2ny's avatar

ha the question was rhetorical and I didnt expect a response..

I do think I am a complete ass to women sometimes, but I have that “clingy” aspect to me which tends to push women away.

But… In all fairness… Can we agree that women love to be treated “poorly” (I use the term loosely to mean denying a potential suiter of the attention she thinks she deserves as a desirable young catch) at least in the beginning when a woman first meets a guy?
But… In all fairness.. Can we all agree that

sd2ny's avatar

@marina very insightful..

La_chica_gomela's avatar

No!! We can’t! and here I thought you were making progress in understanding women!!!
There is a LONG LONG scale in between being “too clingy” and being “denied attention deserved” or treated “poorly”

we want to GET TO KNOW YOU in the beginning. if you tell us you love us from day 1, we know that’s false, because you don’t even know us yet! and the last thing we want is a guy that’s fake

we want things to progress naturally and not be forced. we don’t want to feel pressured by constant phone calls and text messages. we want the relationship to develop naturally.

(speaking for women in general, if anyone disagrees just say so)

if i went on one date with a guy and he called me more than 1 time the next day, i would find that desperate. if he called me zero times for the next 4 days, i would find that rude. neither of those things would make me like him. there is a very large in-between, that it sounds like you need to find.

this example could be applied to various aspects of the nascent relationship.

nikipedia's avatar

@sd2ny: Are you talking about playing hard to get?

sd2ny's avatar


Admitedly I may have used a poor choice of words, thank you niki, I believe what I was talking about could be considered playing hard to get…

However, part of playing hard to get consists of putting down the female to escalate one’s self worth… Yes this is immature, and yes this is considered playing games, but can we deny its effectiveness?

La_chica_gomela's avatar

“can we deny its effectiveness?”

were you paying ANY attention when a dozen women told you we don’t want to be treated badly in any way?

clearly we don’t want to be treated badly in this other new way you’ve thought up. if a guy put me down, in any way, i would drop him. that’s honest. my boyfriend lets me know how special i am to him everyday, and i wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world.

if you want a real woman and a real relationship one day you will realize that all these games, and crap are not the way to get it.

Think about it! Does it make any sense that you could build a strong relationship on such a weak base?

I have to ask you, based on what you’ve said, how many relationships have you been in—is it more than, say 4? Have you ever been in a long term relationship? (say, more than 6 months) Are you old enough to vote?

I think if your answer to more than one of these questions is no, then maybe you just need some time to figure these things out for yourself.

marinelife's avatar

I think your problem may be that you don’t listen well.

timothykinney's avatar

I have no intention of defending sd2ny’s broad generalizations. I do have a couple of good friends who have confided in me that their boyfriends/husbands are perfectly responsible and wonderful, but that they wish the relationship was more spontaneous, more exciting.

One woman complained that sometimes when her husband was acting romantic, he would suddenly stop to brush his teeth for “20 minutes. No joke, 20 minutes” and then expect to pick things up right away where they left off. She found this to lack spontaneity. In his defense, he wanted to present his best breath for their intimate moments.

Another girl was also very happy with her long term boyfriend. But she found herself drawn to men who would offer her nothing in return. She was just attracted to them and fantasized about them. She had no real intention of leaving her husband because he wasn’t as exciting as other men, but she did daydream about it from time to time.

I’m not sure why sd2ny thinks that he knows that all women prefer jerks to nice guys. It doesn’t make sense to apply one idea to everyone in the world. Especially when there are so many people in the world. Think about it: if you took one second to meet all 6.3 billion people currently in the world, you would have to live for over 199 years to finish meeting everyone. Even then, you wouldn’t have had time to develop any lasting friendships or intimate lovers. It isn’t rational to believe that you understand everybody, or even a large segment of everybody.

The lesson here is that everyone is forced to filter reality through their own set of experiences and psyche. sd2ny’s filters say that women only like jerks. A lot of other people here say that’s not necessarily true. In reality, all we can really do is speak for ourselves.

In my opinion, there are women who prefer jerks to nice guys absolutely. There are also women who will choose to be with a nice guy, but who are turned on my jerks. There are also women who don’t really like jerks, but date them anyway. Finally, there are women who only date nice guys. I say these this because I am friends with all of these different kinds of women.

If I had advice for sd2ny, it’s this: stop trying to cubby-hole women (people). Approach every relationship as if you had no bias and you might be surprised what other people are capable of. I know from personal experience that other people react to certain traits in my personality…sometimes I like the reaction and sometimes I don’t. But it is as much what I bring to the table as who they really are.

To summarize, if you are a nice guy, eventually you have a good chance of meeting a girl who is interested in nice guys. If you are a jerk, well…

Poser's avatar

Ultimately, it all comes down to this simple fact: you can’t change anyone but yourself. My favorite line from the article I linked to before, and which Marina quoted, was “The common denominator is you.” If every relationship you’ve had ends up the same way, you probably ought to stop looking outward to find the solutions, and start looking inward.

Only when we stop blaming others for the problems in our lives can we ever work to change anything about our lives. I discovered that I was never able to have a successful relationship until I decided what kind of person I wanted to be. After my divorce, I had many, many, many gripes about my ex-wife. Believe me, there is no shortage of things she did, or personality traits she has that contributed to the failure of our marriage. But that didn’t do me any good when it came time to move forward. It wasn’t until I considered my own role in my marriage and divorce that I was able to learn from it (and keep from making those mistakes again).

Figure out who you want to be, compare that person to who you actually are, then work to become the person you want to be (if you aren’t already). Finally, figure out what kind of woman you want to be with. Then, when you meet her, you’ll recognize her.

Knotmyday's avatar

I find (het) women are attracted to “real” guys. Not the slick, “I read a book guaranteed to get me into bed with any woman in three easy steps” barfly or the fawning, pretentious nice guy, but the guy who honestly likes and loves them. The guy who forgot the flowers, realized what he did in one horrible, aching moment; then worked and worked to make right. The guy that almost forgot your anniversary. The guy who planned your birthday party for months. The guy that defended your point of view.
Not the nice guy. The nice guy is a preeny weenie.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

because women like to try to tame the wild men in this world.

punkrockworld's avatar

Yeah I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with us girls!!

science_girl89's avatar

I don’t think i’ve found any so far, I’m pretty young and have only dated two.
1. Lost interest as soon as I got interested
2. Continuously asks me for money… and got together a week before my b-day, didn’t get me anything even a flower

So, I’m not really sure if there are any.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Science girl, yeah, maybe there aren’t any then, 2 out of 3,000,000,000 is a great sample. ;-) (i’m just teasing).

science_girl89's avatar

Ok, but It’s not that I’m not attracted to nice guys, it’s that they always seem to be taken by the hot chicks. I’m the Science geek! I sit in the first row, think up crazy geek-jokes, and am intensely lonely on a regular basis. I know that there was one guy besides them who was incredibly nice, and sometimes I really wish he’d made his move instead of writing in my yearbook the day before I left town (forever!) that he liked me.

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