General Question

RandomMrdan's avatar

Can I get some input on Long Term Relationships?

Asked by RandomMrdan (7423points) August 1st, 2008

I’ve had a few serious relationships, the first one started my senior year in high school, and ended about 4 months after I moved 2 hours away for college.

I was really into her, and traveled every weekend to see her, but it just fell apart. And now, it seems anyone I date, I get bored in the relationship and feel as if I’m wasting her time, is that normal? Have I just not found the right person for me?

I’m told I’m too particular with who I date (though, I will say, I do like attractive women, at times I find some women attractive where as others may not and vice versa) I’m always known for being single, and I really want to find that person for me.

It’s already happening again, about 4 months into a relationship, and I already feel like breaking up and moving on.

I’ve learned that dating sites don’t work out well, always a false representation of who that person may actually be, and I feel like a jerk if I’m not interested and they are, and we never talk again.

Anyone with some good input, like where to meet women and so on. I’m all ears =)

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15 Answers

benseven's avatar

Man, just be yourself, and be honest.
Don’t dwell on doubts about a relationship (in terms of worrying day in day out), because you can actually end up creating a problem where there wasn’t one.

If your feelings persist, maybe try talking about it. Yes, that’s gonna be awkward, and it may end up with you breaking up – but talking about it is better than making the call off the bat yourself (unless you have a problem with her).

It sounds like you just haven’t found the right girl yet. Boy, will you know it when you have! Other than that you sound like a perfectly normal dude, good luck to you.

This may be the wrong thread to announce this but I just got engaged!

tinyfaery's avatar

There are some comments here that might help.

I will say, like I said in the above thread, when we see patterns in our lives, like getting bored in relationships, its usually something about us and not anyone else. What kind of women are you choosing to date? Maybe you are too particular? Are you avoiding intimacy by getting into relationships you know will not lead to anything meaningful or lasting?

Take a good look at yourself, and ask yourself what you really want in a partner and a relationship.

marinelife's avatar

First, if you are still in college, why worry about serious or long-term relationships? It is perfectly natural to break up with the girl you left behind from high school. It is probably too early to be looking for patterns.

A few steps I would suggest:

Stop looking at every girl you date as a possible long-term girlfriend or life mate. Just date and enjoy. Be honest with the women you date though.

Make women friends. Make guy friends. Focus on your studies. Think about what you want to do when you finish college.

Take the pressure off yourself. You will then find the right girl when it is time.. Meanwhile, stop looking and start living your life.

LKidKyle1985's avatar

I think for what ever reason, You tend to find peoples flaws and it causes you to loose interest. That first girl you dated, I can think of a lot of things about her we didn’t like, but you never seemed to focus on those. So I guess there was something else that kept you interested in her rather than these other girls. Plus I think a lot of the girls you have gotten involved with over the past few years, maybe have been for reasons other than attraction to who she was, rather than what she was(like hot)? eh I know I am not totally wrong on that one at least.
Also, the few girls you have liked for more than just physical I think were just really hard to get and you may of just given up on it. Like Nicole, you seemed to like her a lot but never got any were with her for some reason. I went after ashley for like 10 months before I finally started dating her, and things with sabina just kind of fell into place over 3 years of knowing her. So, maybe next time you come across someone you are really attracted too for more than just hotness, just really go that extra mile to get her man. Sometimes you just have to put yourself on the line when you know you really want someone. That’s what I have done with both the girls I have been with/will be with. Hope it helps man.

RandomMrdan's avatar

if anyone doesn’t know now, kyle and I know each other =)

benseven's avatar

I just thought he was psychic ;)

LKidKyle1985's avatar

ah you jerk i just was gonna put a wink face too.

marinelife's avatar

Kyle has shed some interesting light here. Might be worth taking a close look at how what he sees from the outside observing your relationships might apply.

tinyfaery's avatar

Yes. Lkid seems to have a good grasp on your patterns.

Lovelocke's avatar

—-A LOVE QUESTION?!—-

Okay. Fact about Lovelocke (NOT UP FOR DEBATE) – I’ve had sex with over 60 people in my lifetime. I started when I was 18, an emotional wreck from breaking up with my very first girlfriend, and I am 24 years old right now. Looking back, I can’t say I regret how I lost my virginity (Me, 18… her, 42… but it was fun!), but I can say I’m glad that I DID save my heart for those who I would enter relationships with.

Yikes, that’s a hell of a paragraph to start off with, right? Well, there’s a reason for that. My first girlfriend and I dated for about 2 years, but her “real life” began to call her away from me… to college and career and so on. We lived 50 miles apart, so I would drive a minimum of 100 miles every day I wanted to be with her, and I was with her twice a week at least. When I couldn’t, we’d talk on the phone and so on. We shared many legitimate firsts with each other, first bf/gf, first holding hands, first kiss, first booty grabbing… and it was all very warm and special, actually… the kind of warm and special that you don’t just get with everybody: And you’re finding that out right now for yourself.

You feel you’re getting “bored” or you’re “wasting their time”, but really, you’re just not making the real emotional connection that two people who are in love make with each other. The high number of women I mentioned before? Most of them… many of them… were one-nighters. I went out, I met a cute girl, we saw a movie or something, it was fun, then we had our night and left our separate ways. It’s not a lifestyle I’d recommend for everybody, but it was a lifestyle that sort of… practically opened my eyes to the fact that there really ARE other “fish in the sea”... and furthermore, “It’s not my job to love every one of them that I see”.

I have had four real girlfriends… My first girlfriend (who you’ve heard a bit about my dedication towards her, even in the long-distance aspect). My second girlfriend? Basically a “rebound relationship”. She and I dated about 6 months, but I was tired of her poor attitude and sloppy hygiene (she’d shower once every two days or so to save on the water bill)... so, while I was looking for an easy way to dump her, she ended up sleeping with a friend of mine. Two birds, one stone: I didn’t much like HIM either… heh.

Third relationship was bad. She was in her senior year in high school (18 years old), I was 21 at the time. Her parents originally approved of me, but later, the age became a large issue for them. There was a lot of drama after that point, but as it turned out, it was all the girl’s web of lies. A lot of people who break up always say “They were a liar/cheater, etc” but in my case, it was true: She had me believe she was being stalked by someone that her parents kept inviting over… but, then through some Google detective work, I found out she had a total of THREE boyfriends, and she pit us all against each other. She had three secret myspace pages, each being updated weekly with pics of her with (whoever). Little pimpstress I guess, but it cost me a lot emotionally… so much that I ended up going to the hospital and requiring medication and the whole nine yards.

After that, I stayed away from relationships for awhile. I spent a lot of time listening to people, helping them out with their problems (through laughter, which ironically is under appreciated on this site) and just being the “Call him anytime” guy.

You sir, you need this bit of info: Everybody who has ever said something that you’ve “heard before”, whether it’s something like “There’s more fish in the sea” or something cheesy like that says it for a reason… it’s true. I know that in my times of desperation, if I would’ve just listened to my parents, for example, I would’ve saved myself a lot of heartache. You have to listen and do, not listen and think about how your situation’s different. Love cycles around and around like the seasons in the year… remember that when it’s cold and still in your life, it will soon be warm and in bloom again.

Eh… also: Some blunt advice. Long distance relationships never work, and the drama that can come out of “saving” a relationship like that can be enough to make it so the two of you will never want to see each other again. Look back at the good times and smile, look back at the bad times and think: But when you think, think only about what has happened and not what could have or should have been.

Life! It goes on… now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fulfill the destiny of my toilet bowl.

RandomMrdan's avatar

he does have a lot of good insight as we both grew up and went to school together. The situation with nichole…sadly she and I aren’t a couple.

I appreciate all the advice, I should focus more on my studies…and maybe just try to be happy with who I date.

Another question…easiest and nicest way to break up? from a guy to a girl anyways. I always feel like a total jerk when I do. I want to be honest, but not….too honest if you know what I mean.

I will just have to take my time, and try and find that person for me.

@benseven and yes, I have problems with her, that weren’t really there when we started dating, but now, she has become a bit annoying in a way.

marinelife's avatar

Breaking up. Be honest, but not brutal. For example, “We’ve had a great time, but this isn’t working for me right now. I want to focus on my studies, and you deserve someone who can be there more for you.”

Poser's avatar

I have to agree with Marina’s first answer above, not only because she gives some of the best answers of anyone on Fluther, but because I can speak from experience that what she said works.

I married an extremely selfish girl way too young. After about five years of marriage, I finally left. In the several years after that, I couldn’t work up much interest in any of the women I dated. It wasn’t because there was anything wrong with them. It was just that they weren’t what I was looking for. The problem was twofold. First, I’d never really considered what I wanted in a woman. I just assumed that I’d know her when I met her. And because I didn’t have a clear mental image of who my ideal woman would be, I was very confused when none of the perfectly agreeable women I dated could hold my attention.

Eventually, I sat down and analyzed what turned me off about each of the women, and I started to make a list (a mental list, though a written list wouldn’t be a bad idea) of traits I wanted in a gf/wife. After that, I did pretty much exactly what Marina suggested above—I took the pressure off of myself. I focused on other things. I stopped worrying. I finally came to the point where I was satisfied with simply dating someone, without expectation or worrying about where it was going. I even decided that the single life—indefinitely if that’s what it came to—would suit me just fine.

And then…BAM!

She smiled from across the room and the rest is, well, you know. A year and a half later, I’m more excited and intrigued than I was on the first date. And though lovelocke’s advice may be good, always take any advice that contains the word always or never with a huge grain of salt. My GF and I have only lived in the same town for three weeks out of the 18 months we’ve been together, and our relationship keeps getting stronger (even from opposite sides of the globe). Long distance relationships are like any other relationship in that they work if both people have realistic expectations, put the needs of the other person first, and are willing to do what it takes. Notice I said both.

RandomMrdan's avatar

thanks for all the input everyone =)

SeekerSeekiing's avatar

Opps, am I too late? Are you really over the girl you didn’t get? There is no sunk-in-cement time period. If you are inwardly comparing all these girls to THAT girl, then you aren’t over her. Take your time. There NEEDS to be spaces between our togetherness…

I took 5 years to get over my 1st love, but I gave me that time.

And don’t try to hard to find THE ONE. Just really get to know the one you are with and let her see more and more of you. If you aren’t real, then even if they like you, you will feel they don’t really know you—and they won’t.

Don’t imagine every girl is the next big relationship…imagine the next girl is going to become a really really good friend—and let it cook that way for a while. As long as you chase a butterfly—it will flutterby, but sit and it will land on your shoulder.

As for breaking up. Be honest, no double-messages. Be kind, but make the break clean. Think of it as freeing her to find someone who can really appreciate her as you cannot.
Namaste’
SeekerSeeking

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