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VirgoGirl826's avatar

Friend's boyfriend still texting his ex (that he cheated on)...thoughts?

Asked by VirgoGirl826 (469points) April 9th, 2017

My friend told me the other day that she saw on her boyfriend’s phone that he’s been texting his ex-gf.

So she asked me if she’s over-reacting by not being comfortable with the fact that her bf still texts his ex. I don’t know what to say since there’s not a whole lot of info to go off of; I don’t know how long they’ve been talking, what they talk about, etc. and frankly I know it’s not my business. She did ask him about it, and he said something to the effect of, “you don’t act like this when I text my other friends”.

They (my friend and her bf) got together in the first place because he cheated on his gf (the ex in question) with her (while she knew he was already in a relationship). So I want to say she’s feeling insecure b/c of the way she got in her relationship in the first place, and now she’s paranoid that his feelings for the ex may come back (They’d been together for 3 yrs before he cheated, so…). I’m curious what other people’s thoughts are.

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27 Answers

Dutchess_III's avatar

I’d leave. I wouldn’t even make a scene. I’d just be gone.

Sneki95's avatar

She isn’t over reacting, especially if she knows he cheated before.

gorillapaws's avatar

He’s a cheater. Which means he can’t be trusted. She made the mistake of dating a cheater in the first place. There are tons of guys out there who don’t cheat. All of them are better than this guy.

VirgoGirl826's avatar

@Dutchess_III See, sadly, I don’t think my friend would have the will to do that. They’ve been together over a year now and he’s her first everything; plus he’s given her a promise ring, they just got an apartment together that they’re going to be moving in real soon, they have a pet, a joint bank account, and a business (making and selling candles). She says she trusts him and “isn’t worried”; and also says that if the two of them broke up “she’ll be stuck being single forever”...she’s 24 and he’s 21 if that helps w/ perspective. We’re in college and she’s graduating in May…

Seek's avatar

Promise rings are meaningless and a year isn’t that long. It’s certainly not long enough to have a bank account together.

If there was actual trust – both given and earned – this question wouldn’t exist.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Really not your worry; you may be making it worse by being there.

I agree with @seek and @Sneki95 – they guy is a cheater with a history. Why would your friend expect the guy to be acting any different with her? Did he suddenly turn honest? Doubtful.

If I were you, I would butt out. There’s ugly drama here, and you don’t want to be in the middle of it.

zenvelo's avatar

I will not call the BF a “cheater”; you don’t know what the parameters of his relationships are.

Has your friend talked to him about the nature of his relationship with his ex, and has she agreed to it or has she objected to it? The price of admission to have a relationship with this man may be to abide by his communications with his ex. The price of admission to be with your friend may be non-communication with other women, but she needs to communicate that to him.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@zenvelo he cheated on his ex girlfriend to be with the girl he is with now (the friend of the OP.) Now he’s texting his ex-girlfriend. The parameters are pretty obvious if you read the details. The girlfriend of the OP is not happy about it. She went to the OP for advice.

zenvelo's avatar

@Dutchess_III We only have the OP’s characterization of it as cheating. You do not know what his relationship with his ex was, nor whether “texting” constitutes cheating.

“Texting” is not cheating unless it is a boundary agreed upon by both parties beforehand. He isn’t breaking any “rules” if she has not communicated the “rules” to him beforehand.

VirgoGirl826's avatar

@zenvelo She doesn’t want to come off as jealous or controlling by telling him he can’t text his ex anymore, so she’s acting like she’s ok with it (so it’s not a “boundary”), but yeah like @Dutchess III said I can tell it bothers her anyway b/c of their history

Dutchess_III's avatar

Man, it is sad when a woman (or a man) is in a relationship where they can’t be at least fairly open about their concerns. I mean, if the BF knows that she knows, and realizes she’s not saying anything, he’ll take that as a further license to trample on her, and her emotions, and it will only get worse. I mean, I would seriously get out, if it was me.

A year isn’t that long, as @Seek said. I dated a guy in high school for over a year. I dated a guy in college for almost 3. When it was time to go, it was time to go.

BellaB's avatar

The guy has at least a four year relationship with his ex. It sounds like they were friends, and are friends.

Your friend slept with this guy when she knew he was in a relationship. I don’t think she’s got much standing to say anything about how anyone handles their relationships – and that includes her boyfriend.

As noted above, a year isn’t long, a promise ring is meaningless.

Given the potential all of this has to go pear-shaped, I’d suggest you tell your friend not to talk to you about her relationship stuff. IvĂ© done it with a few friends. They don’t want to hear the truth about what I think and I’m not going to make it sound pretty if it’s ugly. I tell people upfront not to talk to me about their relationships.

VirgoGirl826's avatar

@BellaB That’s the stance I need to start taking; I don’t know why she bothers asking me for advice when she just turns around and does what she wants anyway. I feel like if she actually valued my opinions this situation wouldn’t exist to begin with b/c I warned her from the get-go, “if he can cheat with you, he can cheat on you.” But then again it’s not like I can control her.
Plus she’s dead-set on being married and having kids by 30 and it’s like she’s pretty much convinced that he’s her only shot at all that so…

Coloma's avatar

@VirgoGirl826 Yep, nothing you can do. She’s going to do what she’s going to do but from the sound of things, cheating, poor communication, it isn’t going to be a good relationship and no 21 year old guy alive is ready for marriage and kids anytime soon. Your friend is the poster child for stupid young woman, willing to look away and make allowances just to get a guy to marry her and have kids. Happens all the time and no doubt about it, a divorce will be in the works somewhere down the road, but hey…it’s her journey all you can do is sit back and watch the stupidity unfold.

Cooper_Saldana's avatar

I kinda think that if someone will cheat with you then they will cheat on you too.
If someone I’m with asked me about a text I wouldn’t be defensive and I would hand her my phone because I would be proud that I have nothing to hide.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Did I do the math correctly? He is 21 now. He has been with the new GF for a year. He was with the previous one for 3 years. So… He was 17 when they started going together and broke up when he was 20. 17, 18, 19, are teen years – that is like dog years in a person’s dating life, 7 times! More than half his adult dating life! No wonder he still thinks of her.
The fact that he can still talk to his ex and she responds says a lot about both of them.

I’d wonder why the 24 year old went after him. He is clearly not ready for marriage and kids. Can’t she find someone her own age?

VirgoGirl826's avatar

@LuckyGuy Yeah. A lot of people in my gen. these days feel like they absolutely have to be in a relationship…his ex goes to school in a different state so I really think a huge part of the reason why he got with my friend was b/c she was so willing to give him what he couldn’t get (like sex) from his (absent) ex

VirgoGirl826's avatar

@LuckyGuy She’s also got self esteem issues from being 250+ lbs., and the fact that before he came along she liked a guy for over 2 yrs. but he obviously didn’t like her back…so she pretty much jumped on the first guy that paid any attention to her since the other guys at our school don’t

Unofficial_Member's avatar

Gosh, people need to act more like adults. It’s possible, and certainly not wrong to befriend your exes. Not all relationship ended up with both parties hating each others, sometimes they both have discovered different paths that won’t align together anymore but that doesn’t mean they can’t remain friends after separation.

Before she kicks him out of her life (if that’s her solution) she should have at least discovered a valid proof that her bf cheated on her. She doesn’t want to blame someone and lose her bf just because of her own insecurity. Regardless, you need a proof to make a decision, past history does not always relevant with present circumstances.

marinelife's avatar

If he would not stop, he would quickly become my ex. A relationship cannot thrive when one of the partners is interacting (putting thoughts and feelings into) with someone else.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Can you work out with her and help her get healthy? She’d feel a whole lot better and her dating pool options would increase.
She is young. Don’t waste these precious years lugging around excess baggage. If she makes lifestyle changes now it will improve the rest of her life. Start now. The longer she waits the longer it will take to fix. Everything else will flow.

VirgoGirl826's avatar

@Unofficial_Member yeah I told her not to jump to any conclusions…though I don’t think she’ll “kick him out of her life” regardless of if he turned out to be cheating because as I’ve said before, she’s deadset on being married and having kids by 30 and convinced he’s her only chance at that since he’s been the only guy in her life so far willing to be with her :/ like she doesn’t believe there could be another guy out there

VirgoGirl826's avatar

@LuckyGuy Oh yeah I’ve tried.. .she’s always calling herself fat and putting herself down for her weight, but goes out to eat multiple times a week…one day It’s McDonald’s the next it’s Taco Bell, Buffalo Wild Wings, etc. Both of them go out to eat a lot because they’re either out of groceries or don’t feel like cooking. Her bf actually does try to work out w/ her sometimes but he always tries to go too early or some other excuse. She had a membership to Planet Fitness at one point a couple years ago but quit after a couple months because she wasn’t following the program.
I personally think she’s lost the incentive to work out…since she was able to get someone w/o losing the weight, now she feels like she doesn’t need to. It worries me though b/c she’s already diabetic and the doctor has told her to improve her diet

Unofficial_Member's avatar

@VirgoGirl826 “regardless of if he turned out to be cheating ”

She is clearly obsessive. If she’s dead set on that you better tell her to not cry, whine, or throw tantrum when her bf is someday discovered to be cheating on her. Tell her you have already warned her, there’s nothing else a friend like you could do nor could you cross the boundary of their personal relationship. Let her taste the possible bitterness through her own trial and error, she will grow up from that. The best you can do is to hope that she’s lucky enough not to be cheated on.

She’s already thinking about having kids?
Oh lord, have mercy. Someone need to hammer in to her head that kids are big responsibility, they’re expensive, and certainly not a pawn in her obsession toward wanting to have children before 30. Prospective parents think about how they could provide a happy, productive life to their future children, not about their personal standard of must-have-kids at certain age.

VirgoGirl826's avatar

@Unofficial_Member she’s the “lives in her own little pink bubble and fantasy world so you can’t tell her anything” type of person. Honestly immature whether she realizes that or not. I’m at the point where yeah, all can do is sit back and let her learn the hard way. I just hope the lesson is learned before their relationship goes any further than it already has

dappled_leaves's avatar

Well, it sounds like she’s going to do whatever she wants, regardless of your input. You’re worrying a lot about a situation you have no control over whatsoever, and which, frankly, doesn’t affect you personally. You should probably just let it go and let her make her own mistakes. Sometimes people have to learn by experience… especially if they won’t listen to others’ advice.

But, yes, obviously she’s lying when she says she trusts him, if she’s going through his phone and trying to get your input about her situation. This sort of situation is not sustainable. It will end sooner or later, promise ring and apartment notwithstanding.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Wait….so he’s with her because she will give him sex? Is that what I heard? Oh. God. The shallowness blows my mind. I hope it’s good for her too, but somehow I doubt it.

Well, there is really nothing you can do. We’ve given you our thoughts, and that’s all we can do. Share with her or not. If you do share, we’d be interested in knowing what she says. I have a feeling it will be something like, “I know. I know. But…..”

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