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Caliboy95's avatar

Trying to manage breakup, still hopeful and not able to move on?

Asked by Caliboy95 (10points) May 24th, 2017

My girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago after a relationship that lasted over a year. There was a bit of strain on the relationship after I started college and she was still finishing high school. However, I still lived at home and we still saw each other on a fairly regular basis. We went through a period of some pretty heated arguments and towards the end, we had been improving on it. Her decision to end our relationship came at a very bad time. 2 weeks prior, I had a suicide in my family and it was very hard to cope. She was well aware of the situation and I told her that I really needed her for support. However, this didn’t seem to phase her, and it feels as if she literally just decided to kick me while I was down. It was just so hard to fathom that after all the time we spent together, she would turn around and hurt me so badly. It sent me spiraling deep into depression: uncontrollable shaking, unable to hold food down, nonstop crying. It had a bad impact on my grades and caused me to lose lots of weight. The way she left it was that she wanted to be “friends” and that she just needed “space” for now. As much as I may want to be friends right now, I know that I can’t be in contact with her so I can protect myself during this vulnerable state I’m in. The thing that now hangs over my head is the upcoming prom. I was supposed to go with her, and already paid my money for the prom weekend house. She kicked me out of the house and I’m not confident I will see my money again and she claimed that she is going alone, which makes no sense. So now this is coming up next week and I am really dreading it. The way she’s composed herself throughout this process makes me think of the way you would kick someone to the curb after finding out they cheated. I never did that and I always tried to do as much for her as I could. It just feels that shes been so harsh to me and it really hurts to think that I thought she cared about me. The most painful part of this whole thing is that I miss her, I still want her, and I still love her. These feelings haven’t changed at all and they just consume me every single day. The physical pain is often there too. I still feel as though she never gave me any closure because I still have so many unanswered questions. It’s just so disheartening that the one thing that brought me so much happiness and joy has now left me just a miserable shell of my former self. There is nothing I want more than to have her back. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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13 Answers

gorillapaws's avatar

Dude, she sounds selfish. Be glad you were able to get out now. Breaking up sucks, but learn from it and be stronger. There are lots of great women out there. Focus on yourself. Do cool/interesting/fun things and you’ll meet someone better. I guarantee once you do, you’ll look back and feel relief about this relationship ending—It’s just hard to see when you’re still emotionally invested in it.

imrainmaker's avatar

Clearly you’re very emotional person looking at your question. But you should be practical too in this matter. Just face the truth that she is not with you anymore. It ain’t worth spoiling your life for selfish person like her. Try focussing on other things in life.Forget her as soon as possible. Cut off all the ties if you aren’t comfortable around her. That will be good for both of you.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

It’s done. Over. Finish. Deal with it. She wants it herself. When one party in the relationship doesn’t want to continue the relationship anymore it’s basically over, no amount of effort on your part could make her want to re-continue the relationship when she has already decided to end it (unless, of course, she’s an immature, drama-queen woman).

To tell you the truth, though, her decision to end the relationship need not to consider your personal situation at the time she has made up her mind. If someone made me furious and gave me big reason to end the relationship with that person then I’ll immediately do it regardless of whether or not there was someone commiting suicide in his family. When she ends the relationship she doesn’t care about you and doesn’t want to have anything to with you anymore.

Let go of the prom business. It’s basically a wasted money, and there’s nothing you can do to salvage it. That would be one more reason for you to realize that you both aren’t meant for each others.

The good news for you, is that time will always heal the wound and there are plenty of fish in the sea.

stanleybmanly's avatar

The heartache thing is of course nothing we can relieve nor shorten. The thing that interests me in your narrative is the bit about you paying for the rental house and her throwing you out of it. How does that work? Why would you put up with it? As for your girlfriend’s behavior, believe me, you’re better off having the truth laid before you, brutal though it is. Tough it out. My solution: Find or rent the most stunningly beautiful woman you can afford, and swoop to the prom as though you own the world. And park the 2 of you in that prom house like you hold the deed.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

You should realize – which you may never, unless you expand your horizons and viewpoints past your own nose (and I realize this is said somewhat abrasively, but I think that it’s necessarily so) – that when she left you at your point of maximum depression and need (and I am sorry about the suicide in your family) it was not a case of her “kicking you when you were down”. What happened, as any objective and disinterested outside observer can tell you, is that the added strain that your grief and need placed on the relationship was enough to break whatever fragile remnants were left at that point. (This is why, for example, the death of a child can break up a marriage that was already on shaky ground.) So, she didn’t “kick you”, she just left. And yes, as the popular song goes, “she picked a fine time to leave”, but it was more a case of the stress of the time breaking what might have survived otherwise.

Don’t look at the breakup as if it is all you – you – you. For whatever reason the relationship was in a bad place. Additional stress occurred; you needed more than was already there, and more than she was capable of providing, obviously, and she split.

That’s tough, and it’s okay to cry. Grief is a natural reaction to a perceived loss. But you have to get over it, too. Boys and men can cry, but they also have to stop crying sooner rather than later.

Aside from that, though, she does seem to have some questionable ethics and behaviors, so – again, in time – someday you’ll realize that you dodged a bullet. What she’s doing after she said what she said does not appear to be “friend-like”, so it’s probably a good idea to avoid her in the future unless she ever learns what it really means to be a friend.

Oh, and paragraph breaks. I’m not going to kick you about those while you’re down, either, but if you use ‘em then your narrative can work much better.

Coloma's avatar

You both are young and immature, relationships are about learning. Learning about yourself and others. Your insecurity and extreme neediness and inability to let go of a dead relationship speaks volumes about your self esteem. The timing sucks, yes, and that is too bad but that doesn’t make her a bad person if that is what she needed to do.

It’s not easy to be the one that breaks up with someone any more than it is to be the one that is broken up with.
It sounds like she wants to be done and the being “friends” thing is about her trying to let you down easy. It hurts yes, but…we should never give away our power in a relationship and the fact that you are so completely devastated means that you need to work on your self esteem. It’s fine and natural to be sad but to completely fall apart shows a desperate person and is more about dependency, not real love.
Time will bring healing and hopefully you will emerge stronger and better, as it should be.

She is only one fish in a sea of fish and if someone doesn’t want to be with you anymore why would you still cling to them?

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

You could propose to her or move on.

Espiritus_Corvus's avatar

^^With over 350 billion other opportunities out there? You gotta be kiddin’ me.

kritiper's avatar

Time to bite the bullet, dude. Get used to the idea that it may never be and get on with your life.
Does it hurt?? Give it time. All the time it needs.
If you love something, set it free. If it returns, cherish it forever. If it doesn’t return, then it was never meant to be.
Or something like that…
Best of luck.

janbb's avatar

Getting over a break-up is one of the hardest things in life. Feel what you need to feel but try to keep moving forward and eventually it will hurt less.

si3tech's avatar

@Caliboy95 My heart is broken for you. I get the sense that there is more to be revealed because of her seemingly abrupt abandonment of your relationship and her particularly COLD response to you when you’d experienced a suicide in your family. God Bless. I hope you are able to pick up the pieces and heal from this.

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Strauss's avatar

It’s not your fault!
Many years ago, I went through a particularly painful breakup. It took a few years to recover, and even then it took the words of a good friend to help me shake the pain. Just be easy on yourself!

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