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Zachary_Mendes123's avatar

How can I get over a loss?

Asked by Zachary_Mendes123 (1237points) October 16th, 2017

About 2 weeks ago, my best friend of 8 months ended her life. This is the second worst loss I’ve ever had. It sucks. Anybody out there to talk to?

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11 Answers

Patty_Melt's avatar

This kind of thing sticks with you. The pain will dull over time, but will never disappear.
When I was a teen, about forty years ago, I had a close friend. We made plans together about our futures.
There came a time when she was out, didn’t call for days, wasn’t coming by.
I went to a party one night, and she showed up. She was blasted. She asked me to come with her to hang out with some “new friends”. These new friends were bad news. They were reckless. They took whatever drugs they could get their hands on, any time, anywhere. I pleaded with her to stay with me at the party.
I told her as long as she hung with that crowd, she couldn’t hang with me.
She left.
A few days later, I felt bad. I called her house to ask her to come over. Her mom answered. She told me when the funeral was scheduled, and where.
She was in a car with her new crowd and they hit a jeep.
Everyone in the car died. The doctor said he didn’t know what she was on, but it caused her looks to distort so badly after she died, that they had a closed casket service.
I still think of that friend sometimes. I still hurt over her death.
The thing which did help some of us who knew her, and hung out with her before she hooked up with that new group, was to sit together and just have talks about her.
She had this habit of saying, “I’m going to come back and haunt you” whenever somebody would be messing around with her.
During one of our group pow wows, we learned that each of us had experienced some very weird stuff we thought had to be her and her macabre sense of humor. We ended up laughing, and talking about how much fun she must have had doing those things.
It relieved the anxiety, and led us to some of our very best memories of her.
It was healthy, getting together like that.
If you had other friends in common with the girl you have lost, it might be good to get together like that. More can come out of it than just sharing the pain.
If you are still with me after all this writing, I want to say I am sorry for your loss.
You are welcome to pm me anytime to share your feelings, thoughts, or memories.

Zachary_Mendes123's avatar

@Patty_Melt Back in January, I lost 4 of my best friends in a car crash. What sucked was that I was also in the car. I was the only one that didn’t get killed. I wish that I did though. I miss my friends.Especially the one that I lost 2 weeks ago. It’s so hard.

Patty_Melt's avatar

Wow. How hard for you.
You must not have regrets for surviving what your friends did not.
You must not give away something of great value which you got for free.
You have an opportunity to continue living. Do that. Continue living, and find what will make you happy doing it.

MrGrimm888's avatar

When I was 18, I was in a bad car accident with two of my closest friends. No deaths, but it was bad. We were t-boned by a car doing 60 mph.

We all recovered. Maybe a year later, one of those two friends started hanging with a bad crowd too. He was younger than me, and had just turned 18, at the time. A member of a local gang murdered him, to get stripes (move up in the gang.) Always thought the three of us would go fishing as old men. When I was that age, I rarely thought about death. When my friend died, it was like the invincible person in me died too. Obviously, it was very sad too. I wept like a baby at his funeral.
My other friend that was in the wreck named his child after our lost friend. His child (my “nephew,”) is now 15. He’s turning out to be a decent young man. My friend that passed away, had a younger sister. She now has 5 kids of her own. The oldest is in high school now.

As Patty said, the pain got better/more numb as time passed. It seems like a lifetime ago now. We still talk about our old friend, and sometimes when we’ve had too much to drink, we cry about him or say we’re going to kill who killed him. Almost every member of that gang are dead, or in prison now.

My father was the only one in his platoon to survive the Vietnam War. He was shot multiple times, and spent almost two years getting multiple surgeries, and rehabing from his wounds. He was about 19, when he was shot. All those other kids in his platoon were killed. Since then, he has been married thrice and has 5 children and many grandchildren. He is retired, and has a nice boat, camper , and house. He still has nightmares about the war, although it was 50 years ago.

I am afraid that I cannot help you Zach. But I can tell you that the Sun will come up tomorrow. When someone we love dies, we move on. We never forget them. But we press onward. That’s all we can really do.

I’m very sorry for your loss. Hopefully, you will live a long, full life. If you do, such things will happen as time marches on. We can’t do anything about those whom we’ve lost. But we can be good people, and be nice to those who are still here, and make this a better place.

Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.

Peace n love.

NomoreY_A's avatar

My condolences as well. I have lost two friends to suicide, one a lovely girl I more or less grew up with, she ODd on drugs right out of high school. Another was a high school bud of mine, who was having some relationship issues, I suppose. I am not much good at consoling people, but I feel your pain. Condolences pal.

Zachary_Mendes123's avatar

@NomoreY_A One of my friend’s older sister overdosed 3 years ago.

NomoreY_A's avatar

That is a bad situation, so wasteful of a life. All these years later, I am still kind of shocked.

rojo's avatar

@NomoreY_A You don’t get over a loss like that, you learn to cope with it. There will always be residual pain from the loss.
You start by forcing yourself to get out and do things, not only to carry on but to push yourself into new directions, new experiences and new people. Don’t forget the old but add to them. You may not feel much like it but do it anyway. Call someone and ask them to go out with you. If they are busy, call someone else. Volunteer somewhere, Join clubs, Ride your bike hard. Go out after work with others,
The main thing is to engage with life, to understand that life goes on and that you are, and need to be, a part of it. It won’t be easy at first but no one ever promised us an easy life did they? Just know that it gets easier with time and time seems to go faster when we are doing and not dwelling on the past.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

You have my most heartfelt condolences.

I strongly suggest you seek counseling. There are a number of avenues to getting counseling. There’re psychologists who can give a great deal of help. If that’s not available for you, seek out a school counselor or a minister at a church of some kind. You need counseling for the many losses in your life this year.

A counselor will not take your grief away or cure you. He/She will help you walk through it so you can process it and release the burden. The loss will not go away, but your ability to handle the emotional turmoil created by the loss will improve with counseling.

longgone's avatar

I lost a very good friend to suicide too, and it stuck with me. It changed me (for the better), and I had a hard time being happy for a while. It’s been a few years now, and I’m only haunted by that situation every few months.

Have trust in your self-healing capacities. You will feel better. Here are some simple things you can do to make sure you’re okay until you’re healed:

1) Keep a journal of happy seconds. Every night, just jot down three happy moments you’ve experienced that day. This primes your brain to notice what’s good about life.

2) Talk to people who know how to help. Therapists can be great. Until you’ve found the right one, make a list of people you can call when you feel lonely or hopeless. It’s smart to include the number of a 24/7 crisis hotline, since calling these people is easier for some.

3) Do a tiny good deed every day. Helping is like a dose of happiness straight to your brain. When you wake up, turn your thoughts to something good you could do that day. Pick up some trash on the sidewalk. Leave a dollar on a playground and watch a young child find it. Play with a pet. Phone an older relative who likes to talk.

4) If you like reading, read these books:
Let’s Take the Long Way Home, a sad but healing book about the loss of a friend.
Before Happiness, a guide that teaches you how to change your thinking patterns to be more optimistic.

Good luck. You sound like a sensitive and caring person. The world needs people like that.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

It turns out that Saturday, November 18, 2017, is Survivor Day for those who have survived an attempt or lost someone to suicide.

You can find an event close to you by clicking HERE

You can also explore that site for many resources.

All the best to you.

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