Social Question

sheila94's avatar

Should I break up with him?

Asked by sheila94 (32points) 3 weeks ago

I started dating someone for about 3 months now. He has already told me he loves me. However, recently I questioned him about his previous relationship and ex-girlfriend. He said he still communicates with her and part of him will always love her (his ex). This was really upsetting and I haven’t spoken to him for 2 days. Should I break up with him?I don’t believe someone should still love their ex.

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20 Answers

SavoirFaire's avatar

Two points to keep in mind:

(1) The statement “a part of me will always love her” doesn’t mean that he still loves her or is in love with her. It means that he is still processing the breakup and therefore has lingering feelings that he’s not quite sure what to do with. I realize that can be uncomfortable to hear, but would you prefer to date someone who hides and/or lies about his feelings?

(2) The statement “a part of me will always love her” almost always turns out to be false. Human beings are very bad at predicting how they will feel about things in the future, and heartache is one of the hardest things to imagine oneself getting over. But we do get over it in the overwhelming majority of cases, and we realize that a part of us won’t always love our ex—regardless of how we felt when we first lost them.

The exceptions to this second point tend to be cases where the person actually died. This is because we don’t typically feel the same need to get over dead partners or spouses the way we get over people we’ve broken up with (or who have broken up with us). But unless someone constantly compares their new partner to their old partner, a dead ex usually isn’t a threat to the new relationship.

In short, then, I don’t think that him saying “a part of me will always love her” is necessarily grounds for a breakup—at least not on its own. In the absence of other troubling or suspicious behavior, I would just chalk it up to the fact that humans sometimes say stupid things when dealing with strong emotions.

janbb's avatar

How old are you? How long was he with her?

Kardamom's avatar

Giving him the silent treatment is not the best way to handle this situation.

He was being honest with you. You should have asked him where he sees himself with you, in 6 months, or in two years, and see what he says.

I think a lot of people, myself included, still feel a certain type of love for people they’ve had relationships with in the past, but that does not mean that they still want that relationship with them anymore, nor do they pine away for that person.

It should become fairly apparent by what this fellow says and does, as to how he feels about you, or if he really is still “truly in love with his former girlfriend” and can’t get over her.

It’s OK to have fond, even loving, feelings for a person, in which that relationship is completely over.

My best friend still “loves” her highnschool boyfriend from 20 years ago, even though she was married for 10 years, and had a long term relationship after her marriage broke up. She is very good friends with the high school boyfriend and his wife, but she doesn’t harbor romantic love feelings for him, nor him toward her.

So you should talk to your boyfriend, and see how he really feels, and what kind of relationship he envisions with you.

marinelife's avatar

I think I would take it as a bad warning sign. You need to ask more questions. What would he do if she started coming on to him again? Go Back to her? Does he feel that your relationship has a future? How does he treat you? Is he attentive? There is no one answer. It just depends.

kritiper's avatar

I would/could never be the BF with some girl who was still seeing an ex, or who was having sex with a “friend.” If he can’t make up his mind as to who he wants to be with, then he is probably playing you AND her. Time to go your separate way!

janbb's avatar

The devil is in the details. You need to find out more before deciding.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@kritiper There’s nothing in the question to indicate that @sheila94‘s boyfriend is still seeing his ex or having sex with her.

seawulf575's avatar

One thing I noticed is that you asked him a direct question and he gave you what seems like an honest answer. There is something mature and open about that. Open, honest communications are vital for a lasting relationship. Remember, he could have lied to you. I would suggest that you talk with him. Tell him your concerns and let him explain his views. If, after a civil discussion, you find that you can’t live with his attitude, then it is time to break it off. But remember, there are very few out there that haven’t had a previous relationship. Everyone has a little baggage.

Zaku's avatar

People don’t get to choose whom they love, and honestly admitting to you that “part of him will always love her” was brave and honest and not a disloyalty to you, whom he said he currently loves. His alternative would be to withhold the truth from you.

My opinion is that it is unreasonable for you to expect him not to have any feelings for his ex, and that it is unwise for you to react the way you did. A young guy who is open with his girlfriend about his feelings for another girl is a rare positive thing (partly out of fear of reactions like you described).

chyna's avatar

I don’t know the answer to your question, but I would like to point out that he was being honest with you and you responded with the silent treatment. You are training him, or any other guy you treat the same way, that if they are honest, then you get mad. If they lie, you are none the wiser and they don’t have to suffer the silent treatment. Learn to communicate better.

kritiper's avatar

@SavoirFaire There is no indication he wasn’t.

BellaB's avatar

I believe very strongly that good relationships are based on friendship. That means I expect to stay friends with former partners because they are friends first and foremost. I am still in regular contact with ex-boyfriends from 40 years ago. We might have had brief gaps in contact after the initial break-up but the friendships stayed strong and we got back in touch after a few months. Other than one ex-boyfriend, I will always have some love for all of them. They were good people – that’s why we became friends and then lovers.

I would never consider ending those friendships for a current partner. If my current partner (of 20+ years) had suggested giving up those old friends, he would have been the one left at the curb.

Your boyfriend sounds like a wise and mature person. A good friend to have – with good communication skills.

If you can’t handle his feelings about past relationships, it might be best for you to find someone more appropriate for you. It would probably be better for him too.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@kritiper There’s no indication that he isn’t from Mars, either. Are you going to write a response based on that possibility, too? And are you going to end that response by giving advice based on the assumption that he is from Mars? Because your previous answer assumed details not presented in the question and then gave advice based on those assumptions. It would be better to either ask for further details or give your advice hypothetically (e.g., “if something like this is going on, then here’s my advice”). You did neither.

kritiper's avatar

@SavoirFaire Based on my experience. You must have none.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@kritiper Wow, even your insults make no sense. The criticism isn’t that you were making suggestions based on experience, it was that you didn’t make suggestions at all. You inserted assumptions into your answer and treated them like facts instead of treating them as hypotheticals (which is all that personal experience can justify).

Inspired_2write's avatar

No you don’t need to break up will him but be aware that some play games using this line to incite women to want a man that would feel like that of them as well.
After only three months together and he ALREADY states that he loves you is premature and suspicious.
Some say that early in the relationship so that the other lets down their guard .
Be very careful, as this one seems eager to get something out of you.
This is the Honeymoon stages where decisions are made not with the head bur the heart. He is pulling at your heart strings. Read up on phases in a relationship.
Way too early for professing Love.

kritiper's avatar

@SavoirFaire Never assume anything, is my motto. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” is a good one, too. But, other than that, I’m a guy who has seen other guys do what she described. To me, the answer was as clear as clear could be. And I stand by what I said.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@kritiper You have a history of standing by answers that are objectively wrong, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

Kardamom's avatar

Maybe the OP can answer some of our questions, because she probably knows, or could find out by asking this guy some direct questions.

TheGirlInterrupted's avatar

I too struggle all with “things” my current boyfriend has said about exes. It will haunt you if you hold on to it or give it weight. Guys say things sometimes and then us women over analyze it or feel deeply insulted when we don’t need to. On the flip side, don’t ignore warning signs. He may still be getting over her in a way but I’d have an open talk with him – don’t give him the silent treatment. You need to find out what he meant by that and decide if any boundaries need to be set. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to feel uncomfortable with him hanging out with an ex (3 months together is not that long). If he still has some sort of love for her but loves you, then you could ask he not contact her or spend one on one time with her. I don’t know how old you guys are but you’re probably still developing trust. The more open and honest you guys are early in the relationship the stronger and longer it will be. Best of luck!

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