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alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

Can this be a red flag or am I overthinking?

Asked by alittlebitofeverything03 (97points) March 30th, 2018

Hello, so this man that I am going out with now (Which happens to be a gentleman, sweet man, really good, I have never gone out with a man like this. he is quite older, he is 46 and I am 29 going to be 30. Anyways he was married for 10 years and now he is divorced, his ex wife is way older than him she is almost 60, weird but true, and they still speak, and the other days she called him an he did not answer, but he had told me before that she calls him and asks him to go to her house an fix her car or to do this or that.

She lives in another city like 2 hours from were we live. he told me that he appreciates her very much, but he cannot even have the thought of kissing her or anything, he wants her very much, appreciates her but that’s it. so I did get a little jealous and my mind was wondering, if he still has feelings for her rooted in him. its not like he talks all the time about her, but when he mentions his past and brings her up, I feel weird.he was 31 when he married her and she was around 44, I wonder if he married her for his papers to be here in the states.

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18 Answers

snowberry's avatar

You’re never going to know the truth on this one, but if he’s as kind as you say, it very well may be true.

zenvelo's avatar

You are not overthinking. This issue calls for you to determine what is an appropriate level of involvement between he and his ex that you can live with, and what is too much.

So think about what you can deal with, and what you cannot, and then communicate with him. And if he is okay with the boundary you are setting, great; if not, then time for the two of you to move on.

My sweetie expresses concerns at times with my interactions with my ex. My ex is dependent on me to pay spousal support, and also because we have two kids who, despite being in college, still require some discussion on mutual support.

Many divorces do not completely sever things, usually because of kids. But you need to talk to your guy about him being a bit entangled with his ex.

Good luck, I hope this works out for you and he.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Something stinks here. I can’t tell if it’s the gur or the ex-wife, but something just seems wrong.

You are right to be suspicious. But you may never know. How trustworthy is he?

rojo's avatar

There are a couple of unknowns here, Why they married, why they split and was it an amicable, mutually agreed upon divorce.

I know couples who are still friends even though they are not married and they interact socially without lusting after one and other. Most of them just reached a point where they were they no longer had that much in common or just couldn’t live together, it was not because one of them was a bad person or cheated or something along those lines. Most quickly found another mate. It is those who do not that need the help sometimes and fall back on their ex. But the folks I know certainly do not do so on a regular basis and five years since the divorce is a bit long to still be dependent.

Is it a red flag? I am not sure, as I said, too many unknown variables. Maybe a yellow caution flag but it is certainly something that you two need to discuss, particularly if it makes you this uncomfortable.

Lillabet's avatar

I do think it is a good sign he hasn’t hidden her from you…which he certainly could have, and there is something to be said for his having a nice and civil relationship with an ex, as opposed to MANY who have had horrendous breakups and don’t speak at all. If he is a dutiful and kind man, there may be nothing to it.

Would it make you feel better if you met her? Perhaps she is alone at 60 and a bit needy with certain things. She may feel safer having a man she knows help with things than hire strangers…I just don’t know.

You are only 30…still very young…perhaps you can still keep options open for yourself because feeling uncomfortable or jealous or doubtful is just not good for YOU.

My hope is you can talk to him about it and work through it, but not let this become an overwhelming concern. Life really is too short.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Run like the wind. Get out of this pronto.

Dutchess_III's avatar

How long has he been divorced? It takes time to move on from old habits.

kritiper's avatar

Not enough info. Play your cards close to your chest, but play the hand and see where it goes for now. You can always fold later.
I knew a woman who makes me feel like that…

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@rojo @Dutchess_III in 2009 she filed for divorce, it was her idea, cause apparently one day she told him ’‘if you want sex,if that’s what you need, then I give you the permission to go and have sex with other women. so since they were separated, he was vulnerable at the time and starting going out with a younger girl she was 23 and him 38 or 40, they ha sex, and apparently the ex wife found out, had a major jealous attack and told him ’‘listen I want the divorce’’.he did not want a divorce, so I am not getting any of this, why would he not want the divorce if clearly the poor men needed sex that his ’‘Wife’’ could not give him! and on top of that she offered him to go and sleep with other then goes crazy cause he did.

I sense loose screws in here.I don’t know if I mentioned that he also has a major attachment with her dogs, which happen to be his dogs as well. as far as I can see he adores those dogs.i mean BIG TIME.

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@@zenvelo Btw Today I am kind of mad, well not mad, but confused, cause yesterday he wanted to see me and go out, but I couldn’t cause I was working ( he was also busy),he had texted me that he was going to be super busy and has to work today and tomorrow (weekend), so I said listen come on Saturday at 4 in the afternoon.

He texted me back ’‘well tomorrow I have to work in the morning and I am also going to a work event with my coworkers I hope to come out at 8 pm at night,,,,I have not reply back to his text, I was planning to text saying: That at 8 it’s too late for me and that I will just go out with a girlfriend. do you think this is a good idea??. I don’t think you should let a person believe that they are your only priority,but that you actually have a life. this will put him to think. that way I can see his reaction. what do you think?

LostInParadise's avatar

As to your last question, 8:00 at the last minute is a bit late. Your planned text is appropriate for just the reason you gave.

As to the original question, is the time he spends seeing his wife disrupting your relationship? How often does he visit? If it is only occasionally then I don’t see the harm in it. If it is fairly frequent then the two of you need to discuss the matter.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Is it possible he’s just into you for the sex? Or do you do other things together?

BTW, I think your text is perfect.

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@Dutchess_III I dont think so, cause I usually am the horny one LOL. basically the one that initiates, 2 weeks ago when I was sick, he called me to see a movie and I was not feeling goo an I went. and he just cuddled next to me, and I was the one that inspite of being sick wanted to have sex, he did not make any move whatsoever it was me. he takes me to restaurants, he is a very good man, very pleasing is the word, he tells me we go wherever you want, you choose.

I did send him the text and he replied,’‘Ok beautiful,I wanted to see you, but go ahead and have fun with your friend, we will see each other tomorrow beautiful. so I did not reply back, I am thinking of not sending any text today, tomorrow in the morning when I wake up I let him know an tell him the time on when to pick me up.

I actually went with my aunt to his house to see if his car is there and it was not there,so he did not lie, and also when he ha text me that he was leaving his office to go to the event, we went to his parking space and did not see his car. My aunt told me lets go to his house at 12 minight to see if his car is there or not, that way you will know if he is up to something, cause if the event finishes around 8 ( like he had told me in the text) then his car should be parked outside at 12 midnight and be already sleeping, unless he is messing around or doing some shady shit. Do you think this is a good idea?

Dutchess_III's avatar

OK, stop with the stalking already. Just stop. If you distrust him that much then just cut him loose.

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@Dutchess_III I just want to make sure he is not a liar that’s all. to let better sooner than later.

Dutchess_III's avatar

How long have you been dating? It would really be too bad if the possibility of a really good relationship got all messed up because of your behavior.

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@Dutchess_III Not much really, I met this man at Walmart, he initiated conversation with me and gave me his business card, so I said hey why not!! time to date and live again, so I added his phone number on Whatsapp.and since mid-end january we have been talking and in february 10 we went out on our first date.

CrazyVinny's avatar

A bit of overthinking mixed with the enthusiasm of a new relationship, in my humble opinion.

Manipulators usually makes you feel bad in their direct interactions with you.
They make you feel guilty, or uneasy or inappropriate. Then you cave in and they go back to their sunny side.
I haven’t read this in your thread so far so I don’t think your good man is suspicious yet.

Maybe there is some unresolved business between him and his ex.
How could it be otherwise after 10 years together?
But I don’t think you need to feel threatened.

Keep an eye out for other signs but don’t waste too much energy.
I’m pretty sure within a year or two, you will either be reassured or get definitive clues on the situation.

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