General Question

tinyfaery's avatar

Masterbation when you are in a relationship?

Asked by tinyfaery (44118points) August 19th, 2008

Is it okay? Is it dishonest if you don’t tell your partner? Is it a sign the relationship is in trouble? You don’t have to tell me if you do it, I just want your opinion.

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28 Answers

gailcalled's avatar

I think that *masturbation is fine, in or out of a relationship. If it is bothering the doer, I feel that disclosure won’t hurt.

aneedleinthehayy's avatar

i also think that masturbation is fine whilst in a relationship.
but, uh, i had one boyfriend who had a problem with it.
and i know some people who dont understand the point, they’re like “i can have sex whenever i want, why would i masturbate”

Poser's avatar

I only think it’s a problem when it replaces intimacy between partners. However, it’s often the effect of, rather than the cause of the lack of intimacy.

augustlan's avatar

Perfectly ok. In fact, I think it’s probably a given. I don’t see any reason why you’d need to announce it to your partner, but if it comes up in conversation, or if your partner asks, I certainly wouldn’t lie.

Poser's avatar

To clarify, I don’t think it’s necessarily a problem, but it can be an indication of problems. Same could be said for lying about it. If one feels a need to hide it, there might be a problem.

But, if both partners are open and honest about it, I say knock yourself out.

Not literally though. Be careful.

augustlan's avatar

@Poser: Ha :)

marinelife's avatar

Done occasionally, no big deal; no reason to talk about it.

For either sex, if you are masturbating to excess and for some reason other than pleasure (say to relieve anxiety), I think it indicates a problem. It can mean there are intimacy issues in your relationship.

We both do it if we are apart.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

i think it’s generally a sign that a person is very comfortable with their sexuality, and has a healthy sex drive.

i don’t see any reason to hide it from a parter. i think it’s important to be honest in every aspect of a relationship, not to mention talking about it can be really sexy.

the only problem that has ever come up for me, is if at least one partner is the type of person who doesn’t feel like having sex after masturbating, and the other one wants to, so they don’t have sex, and non-masturbating that day partner feels left out. (did that last part make any sense?)

Bri_L's avatar

@ poser – you nailed on the head. It is the solution to an often discussed 8 year to 10 incident total ration for me. It helps keep me loyal, faithful and sane and willing to keep working on things. Sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable.

whatthefluther's avatar

I’ve heard it said that watching your partner masturbate can be a real turn on, especially when it leads to a hot session of mutual masturbation and ultimately downright explosive intercourse. Now let see if I can remember who told me that…oh yeah, wtf !

aaronou's avatar

I’d say it’s a possibility that the thoughts one has during masturbation, could for some, be the only problem. If one were, lets say, to have continual thoughts during masturbation of having sex with someone other than their partner, then it is a possibility that this desire may cause a bit of strain on the commitment, especially if they become so consumed by that desire as to act upon it. Or if the desire to masturbate comes from a dissatisfaction with the relationship of some sort, then it’s not really dealing with the problem at hand. Most cases do not have to be at all like those above. But I do think that in dealing with this discussion of masturbation, we must include the thoughts during, and the motives for doing it.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Aaronou, I feel that if someone thinks about cheating on their partner, that’s because they’re thinking about cheating, not because they’re masturbating. I don’t really see the two as related. Plenty of people do one and not the other, in both directions.

Also I don’t see anything wrong with having outlandish fantasies, as long as they are just that, fantasies. Sometimes they’re not always about one person. I’ve never felt like a relationship was strained because of innocent fantasies on the part of either partner.

aaronou's avatar

Yes, but for some, these innocent fantasies do and have become a problem.

I wasn’t saying that the majority of people fall under this category. I was realy sayng that one must understand themself, their thoughts, their motives, their fantasies, and practice self-discipline without alloweing those to go too far. More than anything, I was just wanting to focus on the idea that we have need to understand ourselves, and by studying our own habits of masturbation, we may indeed be able to determine whether we are walking upon healthy grounds with it, or whether there is a greater issue that needs to be addressed.

It’s just safe to check up on ourselves, and make sure we are in moderation in all things, even with masturbation. Certain thoughts and habits can slowly progress toward an affair for some individuals. Thus, it is always good to evaluate your thoughts and motives in order that you are not lead into excess.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

sure, as long as your partner is doing it for you.

phred78's avatar

You’ve been masturbating all your life. Why would you give up your own personal intimacy? Nobody touches you like you do. And it’s like having your own little secrets. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself in it. Tell your partner how you feel about it. Maybe he/she is doing the same :-)

arcoarena's avatar

I agree that in most cases masturbation is fine in relationships as long as it is not to pictures of ex-girlfriends.

Now that will get you in trouble…

Sueanne_Tremendous's avatar

The order of life:

Masturbate (frequently)

MissAnthrope's avatar

I think as healthy adults, being on average fairly sexual beings, it’s totally normal to continue masturbating while in a relationship. As someone pointed out, sex and masturbation really are different and they fulfill different needs. Sometimes it’s nice to get lost in a fantasy in your head with no other distractions.

In past relationships, my partners and I have been very open and honest about our sexualities (desires, fantasies, onanistic habits) and it’s never been a big deal. I find I am sometimes a bit disappointed if I wasn’t there and then hear I’ve missed out on an opportunity to at least watch, but deep down, I don’t mind.

The only time I’d have a problem with it is if my partner spent more sexual energy masturbating than making love to me.

mee_ouch's avatar

Together, side by side while viewing a mutually decided-upon vid. Incredibly gratifying.

Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it.

Emilyy's avatar

I think there’s no reason it has to stop just because one is in a relationship. I appreciate my own intimacy just as much as the intimacy I share with my partner. I think it’s a very personal thing and there’s no reason to hide it. I wouldn’t take it personally if a partner told me that he was doing it daily while in a relationship with me. That would probably be a turn-on.

SeekerSeekiing's avatar

I think it is fine as long as there is not a person lying in bed wishing you were making love to them more….

Knotmyday's avatar

@alena- thanks for the term “onanistic,” I shall be using it conversationally.

If you think it should be private, keep it private. It’s not generally a sign the relationship is in trouble; if done to excess, more of a sign of psychological distress.

Have fun with yourself! You’re the only you you’ve got.

Ineedtoknow594's avatar

I think it’s personal. I don’t think it’s anybody’s business. And let’s face there are a lot of mismatched libido couples out there. I think you have a personal duty to pleasure yourself. I think everyone is responsible (Ultimately) for their own happiness.

Bri_L's avatar

@Ineedtoknow594 – Well said buddy! and welcome to fluther!!!

sundayBastard's avatar

You must master the bate. To bate the master.

krose1223's avatar

Hey man, these things just happen. I think everyone needs a little alone time… You’re doing it to make yourself happy, not to hurt your significant other. If he/she has a problem with it ask him/her to join next time. :)

Violet's avatar

Yes, masturbating in a relationship is ok. It is not dishonest if you don’t tell your partner. Not a sign of trouble.
I masturbate almost every night, and I am in a relationship. My boyfriend knows this too. He doesn’t tell me about how often he masturbates though. I think he’s embarrassed about it.

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