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alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

Why has this conversation created so many negative emotions and insecurity in me?

Asked by alittlebitofeverything03 (97points) October 9th, 2018

Hi there, so not so long ago my boyfriend of 8 months and I were talking and I guess that during our conversation something triggered him to talk about a girl, who last year (Feb-2017) he met in his work area, she is a Senior management administrator of a beautiful building, and he is part of a group of engineers who were working in that building, so he told me that she was very flirtatious, he thought she was engaged because of a ring she had, but then she appeared without the ring, cause her boyfriend had dumped her for his ex-girlfriend.

So well my boyfriend which by that time was single, and we had not met each other, started going out with her, and getting to know each other, this girl was always flirting with him, and so he felt attracted to her quickly, thereby felt many illusions quickly, the point is they did not have a relationship, it never got to the point of boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship (they did not even have sex) he told me that he got tired cause she was too Diva, but also that she was too insecure and was not balanced mentally (According to my boyfriend) so he got bored with her excuses, and her behavior I guess, so that ended.

So a weekend when we were together, he brought her up, I do remember when him and I started dating he talked very superficially about her, barely nothing, but now he opened more about her and who is she and more detailed explanations, So I felt a little insecure when he brought her up(Especially when he said that she is very pretty, looks like a model, has a great job, etc, This really made me feel DOWN!!!) cause I had seen a picture of her on his Facebook (BTW me and My boyfriend don’t have each other on Facebook, months ago he told me his profile user name, to add each other but I never did), so this girl that I had seen on his friends list, I had assumed it was the same girl he had mentioned at the beginning, and in fact it was her, so I knew how she looked physically, She does have a similar style/prototype like me.

But now for some weird reason, I feel the curiosity to see how she looks like, to see her pictures and compare myself to her, and see who is hotter, prettier, the best body all his nonsense. I don’t want to say it’s an obsession, but I get very curious about all of this, Am I being insecure for feeling this way? Or is it normal curiosity, or just to even compare myself to another girl that my boyfriend had something with.

I just feel very curious, I just hope he is not with me, because that girl and me have a similar prototype. I feel as if I wanted to know who he finds better if me or her, physically speaking, but I don’t dare to ask him, I don’t think that I won’t. I am going to be honest, I don’t want to sound cocky or like if I am trying to put her down, I admit she is pretty, but the way that my boyfriend described her or talked about her, was not what I was expecting, I thought she was like some gorgeous 5’9 (1.75 m)model, beautiful face, hair, everything, So I felt very shocked, like surprised when I saw her picture, I was thinking of something WOW, but not Really, as I said she is pretty, cute girl, normal to me, just my opinion, but not supermodel, he even told me that the building where she works, half of the man that lived in that luxury building where after her, sending her flowers, she is part of the management group.

He told me at first that they almost got intimate, but they didn’t and yesterday when I brought the topic how much is too long to wait to have sex again, I was like a year is too much in my opinion, so I asked him if last year (referring to 2017) if had intimacy with someone or not, and he says ’‘yes at the beginning, I was with a girl. We went out a couple of times, and had sex’’, was it love? NO, and I am glad it did not work. He says he does not like the fact that a girl has too many admirers behind her. This girl apparently did have many. According to him half of the building in which she worked was after her!!

He told me that this thing between them vanished, he got tired, fed up, he told me that at the beginning he felt a very quick emotion/illusion for her, FACT IS: he realized that he was more interested/invested in her, than she was in him, cause at the end he got to see who she was (Diva, insecure, etc) he said she had like personal problems, cause her boyfriend had dumped her for this blonde girl, so my bf did not understand why! Because he says this girl is way prettier, good person, good job etc, so he started with the whole she was even asked if she wanted to model, blah, b blah, I don’t understand why my bf has to mention this, for all I know the times that he has mentioned her to me, he always says the SAME THING!!! And I told him maybe she is insecure, cause she does not like her body, or does not have a good body or something, and boy oh boy this part messed me up, he was like:’‘in fact she has a great body, all the ladies that lived in the building where she works told her ’‘oh wow you have an amazing hourglass/ coke bottle body!!, I WAS SO BOTHERED.

My boyfriend does not know at all that I have seen her pictures already, and honestly I think he is exaggerating without a doubt, this girl does not have a coke bottle body, she has big boobs cause she had plastic surgery, chubby strong upper body, and her lower body is normal, I did not see curves at all, and model of what?? She is 5’4 (1.63 m) I believe that after my boyfriend divorced his ex-wife,he got to live life again, so when he saw this woman he was mesmerized, after all he married his older wife when he was just 30 years old.

What bothers me is the fact that he mentions her to me and makes her seem more beautiful than what she is in reality, why is he exaggerating her so much? what is the purpose of this?. I mean he has talked about her in total, like 4 times, 2 times it was my fault from bringing up subjects in which obviously he was going to mention her.

I could tell he got bothered when I told him, that I was not trying to offend him or anything, but that this girl was normal to me, pretty but the normal type, not anything wow! I felt it strike a nerve on him.

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24 Answers

KNOWITALL's avatar

I think anyone would be curious if they kept hearing how beautiful an ex was, and that’s rude on his part. Why does he talk about her to you, maybe to make you jealous or maybe he’s insecure so he wants you to know he can get hot women…seems weird.

Most men know better than to talk about ex girlfriends unless they have a really chill, secure woman, because it does often cause jealousy and insecurity.

I would say if it bothers you, tell him. Say honey, I love you, but don’t bring her up to me again okay? It’s rude. I mean if you have lots of guys chasing you, how would he feel? Would he get mad? Seems weird to me.

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@KNOWITALL I know right, plus I have seen this woman, I say the truth why would I feel better putting this woman down, I just see this woman as normal,common, pretty, but not a supermodel or anything like that. and a coke bottle body, not really, she has more of a ruler strong type of body, her arms are chubby for the rest of her body, and big boobs due to plastic surgery.

canidmajor's avatar

Maybe that is how he sees her. How you assess her looks is not important.

Talk to him about her, as @KNOWITALL suggests.

Patty_Melt's avatar

It seems to me like he is attempting to groom you for a threesome.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Patty Melt Or a boob job for @alittlebit haha!

elbanditoroso's avatar

I think that is 8 paragraphs of insecurity oozing out.

You are dwelling on her and her attributes because you think you don’t measure up and you don’t really trust him, and you think she’s the reason.

You have three options:

1) Talk to the guy and tell him how you feel. It may open his eyes to how you are seeing things, or it may come back and hit you in the face. But this is the best approach.

2) You have a big fight with him and make him choose between you and ever mentioning the other girl. You will lose him this way. No one likes to me be forced.

3) Let things ride. That will just piss you off and postpone the ultimate confrontation.

But the bottom line is that YOU are insecure. Not him, not her. You have to deal with it. (My two cents: you’re way overboard on this)

Kardamom's avatar

Your boyfriend likes sex. He has a type. You and this other woman are the type he likes. I’m pretty sure he had sex with her, even though he is telling you he didn’t.

If he actually did not sleep with her, it’s because she turned him down for whatever reason. He wanted ti sleep with her, and still thinks about her.

I’m sorry to say that you are a replacement for this other woman, even though he might like you just fine.

If I were you, I would ask him some direct questions about how he feels about you, and what kind of future he sees with you. Then ask him how he feels about this other woman and why he needs to stay in contact with her on FB, and if he would prefer to be with her. Let him know that you feel like you are playing second fiddle to this other woman.

His answers, or non answers, or anger towards your concerns should tell you everything you need to know.

If he is defensive, it probably means that he was/is still interested in this woman. If that is the case, I would leave.

Some guys will give you a song and dance about how “the other woman” is in the past, but if he talks a lot about her, and they are still FB friends, then he is still involved with her (even if she is not involved with him).

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@Kardamom I wonder if the problem was that he did not get to have sex with her, he told me that he was more invested in her than she on him, i think this girl was going through an emotional situation with her boyfriend, he left her for some other girl.

I don’t understand really what happened between them, what he feels. But I feel that maybe this could have affected his self esteem. Plus what is his purpose in giving me so much details about her ‘’beauty’’.??????

chyna's avatar

Maybe you need to find a new boyfriend that you don’t have to second guess and scrutinize his every move. All of your questions seem to do that. It must be exhausting to date like that! Find a guy where the relationship is much easier and fun. Life is too short to be a bundle of nerves all the time over one guy who doesn’t seem to really care about your feelings. Dating should be fun.

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@canidmajor, What bothers me of all of this, is the fact that I feel as if he was strutting in my face how beautiful she is according to him,why the need or purpose of doing this, he can easily just say she was nice, but WHY so much details??.

What does he wins with this? What is the point? I don’t get this thing!

canidmajor's avatar

Ask him. Just ask him.

chyna's avatar

I’m beginning to think none of this is true and you are just trolling.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Tell him that If this women is all that he says that she is, then SHE can have him!
That you are not interested in a person who talks incessantly about a previous relationship, that is for a counselor , if he is having problems with rejection?
He is disrespecting you and maybe expecting YOU to console his feelings as to why ( if true) she rejected him.
He could also be bragging that he is a valuable person that even a model wants him!
Dump him for someone who values you for who you are and not what you could change to become.
He sounds immature.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Another reason may be a way to keep you interested and on your toes wondering?
In doing this he keeps you under control, instead of looking at it objectively and deciding
to leave.

Kardamom's avatar


Let your boyfriend read your questions here on Fluther, and the responses. You seem unwilling to ASK your boyfriend any of the questions you want answers to, and unwilling to take any of the advice that we have given on all of these questions about your odd relationship with this man. We have been very helpful, but if you just keep asking us why your boyfriend and his various lady friends are doing the things they do, without you ever ASKING HIM, or taking our suggestions, then what is it that you really want?

Dutchess_III's avatar

Take a good hard look. Are there other times, aside from this, where he does and says things to make you feel unworthy?

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@Dutchess_III ,Not really, but I can clearly tell, BTW this has also made me feel down, but I am a clothes stores associate, it’s clear that I don’t make much money! he has told like 3 times in a very good/nice manner, that I need to try to look for a better job, that I need to step out of the box, maybe go back to school and study something. he has a great paying job, I don’t, so all of this put together in general makes me feel DOWN,SAD,UNWORTHY. Trust me is here going round and round in mind and it bothers me. I don’t know what to do.

I was studying dentistry but I quit, cause it was seriously not for me.

Dutchess_III's avatar

…do YOU want to get a better job?

Dutchess_III's avatar

It sounds to me like you’ve told him you want a better job and he’s just trying to encourage you.

alittlebitofeverything03's avatar

@Dutchess_III Another thing that is bothering me is the fact, that every time that I want to know something, about us, whether he sees me in his life, getting married, having children, he gives me an answer, but it does not convince me, like I feel as if there is something there, and I even tease him about it in a playful manner, but I see something in his face, eyes, that makes me feel insecure, as if he was not being 100% truthful. I even tell him this and he says that is all in my head, that I am putting thoughts,feelings and words in him, that he is not feeling at all.

I have been in a relationship with him for almost 9 months, he is a very good man, with a big heart. But I wonder why I feel this way? does this mean something.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Honey…it sounds like you’re pushing him. Nobody likes that. I feel like your insecurities are creating bad vibes.
You don’t like your job and you’ve told him so, yet if he offers concrete suggestions about how to fix that you see it as criticism of you…when you are the one who opened that door!
Insecurities have a way of causing the worst-case scenario to come about….it’s “spoken into existence,” so to speak.
Maybe you should seek some more professional counseling to get to the bottom of your insecurities.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@alittlebitofeverything03 After 9 months you are talking marriage and kids? Wow. Most of my friends are guys and would be running unless you were rich, stunning or GREAT in the sack.

Plus he warned you: “he told me that he got tired cause she was too Diva, but also that she was too insecure and was not balanced mentally (According to my boyfriend) so he got bored with her excuses, and her behavior I guess, so that ended.”

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