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Maryella's avatar

Should I tell him and see how he reacts to this?

Asked by Maryella (9points) December 13th, 2018 from iPhone

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, he is awesome, treats me like a princess, (him and I met in January 2018,) but in early 2017, he started going out and getting to know this other girl which was in his day to day work environment, according to him she was very successful in her management job, so she flirted with him, and with other guys as well, she was very flirtatious in general according to my boyfriend, and it seemed like she liked him.This girl was going through a rough time, her boyfriend had dumped her for another woman, who happened to be none other than for his ex.

So my boyfriend liked her a lot, his feelings were developing rather quickly for this girl, than her feelings for him. So they went out a couple of times, but it didn’t work out, he did not like her way, he said, she was too insecure, indecisive, voluble, I guess that due to her breakup she was not emotionally well.

He has mentioned her to me a couple of times, but then I got mad, cause why the need to mention her more that twice , so I told him To not mention her anymore, so yeah perfect, until the other day he says: I am very happy with you I am glad god put you in my way, I remember thinking it was this other girl (referring to her of course) honestly it would have never worked with her and I and all her drama, acting like she is the diva with all these men after her, she was a good person, hard worker, great job, but I just did not see her click with me.

While he was telling me this his face was like if he was thinking a lot, like lost in the horizon.

So now, I happen to have a friend, who knows a guy that does helicopter tours all around where we live, and my friend happens to be this guy friend, and she showed me pictures of his Instagram ,where he shows his helicopter pictures, basically his work, and guess what, this woman that my boyfriend went out with is On some pictures with this guy, and I had obviously seen her pictures before, so I recognized her immediately. And well I explained to my friend that I knew this girl cause my boyfriend had gone out with her a couple of times in 2017.

So she said: oh really!!, her name is so and so and that’s his girlfriend since 2017, I was in shock!!! I was like how can this be if she and my bf were getting to know each other by that time!!. Now I understand, why maybe she was not so much into my boyfriend, I believe and have a theory that my boyfriend was a rebound for her, she got playful at the beginning, cause her boyfriend had dumped her, she needed attention plus a shoulder to cry, have a little fun and move on.

I would like to tell all of this to my boyfriend just to see how he takes it, I am curious to see his reaction, cause I feel as if he had this woman on a pedestal by the way he has talked about her to me, maybe he just idealized her too much, that’s why he sees her as the most beautiful creature on earth.

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21 Answers

rojo's avatar

You are reading way too much into his year ago dating of this other woman. He is over her and with you. Does he occasionally think of her and daydream of what might have been? Probably, but normal.

My opinion, I think the only reason you want to mention it to him is to rub his face in it and punish him for having dated her and for occasionally thinking about her. You are still insecure in your relationship. You need to get over being jealous of someone who had done you no harm. We all have a history, a past. We deal with it as best we can and try to be in the present. You cannot change the past. What has been, has been. Telling him this will not change that history and he will probably resent you for doing so.

Your call. He is over it, you need to be too. Drop it and be a better girlfriend

janbb's avatar

I would stay away from that. What would be the point? It would may you seem petty and jealous.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I would NOT do that ‘just to see how he takes it’, that’s unkind. You know, maybe you need to work on your own insecurity issues and feel beautiful yourself. If you are a Christian, like your boyfriend, then you know that is not the right thing to do.

si3tech's avatar

It sounds like you want to show him he “jumped a shark”. I think this is a really bad idea. No possible good can come from it.

josie's avatar

Sounds like something my ex wife would have done.
That’s EX wife.

Dutchess_III's avatar

No. Don’t do that. If you don’t trust him, and feel like that have to test him all the time, then you shouldn’t be with him.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@KNOWITALL Where did she say he was a Christian? I missed that.

chyna's avatar

“He thinks she’s the most beautiful creature on earth.” That seems very dramatic on your part. He has only brought her up a couple of times in the year you have dated him according to you. Let it go or you will lose him for being a jealous drama queen.

LadyMarissa's avatar

IF you can’t or don’t trust him, then you 2 are WRONG for each other!!! IF he still has feelings for her then he does NOT love you & you have NOTHING!!! You cannot force him to love you NO matter how hard you try!!! IF she’s using him & he still wants to be with her, you have NOTHING to prove!!! Obviously, there is NO way for anyone here to know what he is doing. I see it as you have 2 choices…trust him or leave him!!!

seawulf575's avatar

Are you looking to live your past with your BF or your future? This girl is gone, he is with you. He has a past, you have a past….let it go. She is part of his past. He already said it didn’t work out and that she wasn’t for him. That doesn’t mean she might not flit through his brain once in a while. But he seems to be into you now, so enjoy!

BackinBlack's avatar

If anything I would maybe consider telling him you don’t want to hear about this girl because it makes you feel insecure and jealous. After all would he want to hear about your ex boyfriend all the time?

Sometimes guys like to talk about exes so they sound like a desirable person to their new relationships. It’s dumb cuz no girl wants to hear about it LOL but they think if he sounds like a stud and has had lots of partners she will really want me. I don’t know if that is what he’s doing but it doesn’t sound like this girl is anything to worry about.

It’s not worth picking the past apart and you will only feel worse the more detail you hear from him. Keep open communication with your BF but don’t test him or bombard him with ALL your jealous thoughts.

Also, if she means something to him or not do you really want him thinking of her more that he does on his own? Don’t turn her into “a girl on a pedestal” because she’s on YOUR mind all the time. If she becomes this weird subject between you two then he will start to feel like she’s some glorious being that you are intimidated by.

Maryella's avatar

@BackinBlack, Yeah you are right, but I forgot to say this on the post, but sometimes he tells me oh you got to find a good job like executive level, cause she has that type of job , she is a senior administrator, she studied for that I did not, plus it’s not something that I desire, I definitely want to find a better job but not on that level.

In less words sometimes he says certain things to me like if he wanted me to be a reflection of her, he wants to buy a pretty car, executive job, for example: like If I was a blank canvas and he wants to make me HER.

And even worse I showed a picture of this woman to a good friend of mine and my friend said: uff you and this girl look very similar, like the same prototype, so now I feel as if he liked me and decided to be with me cause he has a type and I kind of remind him of this woman. So it’s a little confusing cause a lot of people tend to look for similar exes. Maybe I am wrong about all of this. Who knows!!

Maryella's avatar

And I also believe that deep down inside, this hurt him to a certain degree, cause this woman according to him, was desired by all of his work colleagues which all of them where the engineers that worked on the that luxurious building where she happens to be one of the administrators, like a WEEK ago we went to a restaurant at night which is next to that buildind, and my boyfriend was like: “ im thinking of going in real quick and saying hi to robert” robert is also an administrator of the building.

Then 3 months ago in late august 2018, we went to the beach and passed on the outside of the building, there was a security, he said hi, is robert there? The security had no idea who that was, then he mentions another friend called albert, and lastly he mentions HER. The security still had no idea. So we said goodbye and left.

Then on mid September 2018, we went to walk on the beach at night, dressed up to go eat at a restaurant, and guess where he parked?!!! On the building where she works, of course it was a Saturday night so she was not there, but they let him in, cause they know him as one of the engineers that worked on this luxurious apartment building, so we went to the lobby, he said hi to the front desk people, started talking to them, asking if whether the management company was still the same,( to me it sounded like an indirect question to whether she still worked there) and of course she still does!!.

I will let you all be the judges.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Does he really think anyone can just go out and “get” an executive position, with no education and no training?

At any rate, if he isn’t obsessing with her, you are and for your own mental health it’s time to move on.

BackinBlack's avatar

I don’t know…. It’s weird that he says things insinuating you should be more like her… unless you are making associations that aren’t really there.

I don’t blame you for overthinking and worrying though. Sounds like he’s pushing you towards feeling that way a bit.

I wouldn’t worry about him having a type. I’m sure you have a type too! just because you resemble her doesn’t mean he prefers her or you are just the next best thing. I’m sure he thinks you are better than her in a million ways other wise he would still be with that girl.

When it comes down to it, he’s choosing to be with you so I don’t think you need to worry. ;)

Dutchess_III's avatar

”....other wise he would still be with that girl.” Not if she broke up with him.

Maryella's avatar

@Dutchess_III Right, she was not showing the same level of interest in him, that he was showing towards her, so I really dont know exactly what really happened or why they just distanced, i guess he got fed up, if they maked plans to go out she would flake last minute, maybe she was still hunged up on her boyfriend who had recently dumped her for another woman, or deep down inside she was hungry for attention, he gave her attention and then she moved forward. I don’t know the exact reason why they broke up.

He just told me she was too insecure/voluble, and acted like a diva, and that she was way too flirtatious, and she had a lot of admirers, who gave her gifts, all these rich man, that lived in the building that she works in.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I honestly think you’re too hung up on this. Do you always pick over the girlfriends your boyfriends had before you?

Maryella's avatar

@Dutchess_III Yeah, and so is he, how in the world are you with a girl, that in a very discreet way you want to change, to someone else. Executive job, this is just crazy!!

Dutchess_III's avatar

There is only one answer, and that’s to cut him loose.

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