Social Question

BackinBlack's avatar

Is This a Loving Statement?

Asked by BackinBlack (632points) 1 week ago

My husband told me “Just don’t make me look like an idiot for being on your side.”

I’m so upset and mad that he said this. I don’t feel like that is unconditional love if that’s the rule he lives by with me.

Shouldn’t he just trust that I won’t make him look like an idiot for being with me? Why even put that out there, I would never say that. If I’m his wife he shouldn’t see me as possibly being the enemy.

What do you guys think of this statement? Does it raise any red flags?

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57 Answers

janbb's avatar

What is the backstory? In what context did he say that?

Inspired_2write's avatar

No, but it sounds like he is resenting you for putting him in a position to support you.
Just because he is your husband doesn’t mean that he shares your point of view too since he is his own person.
If such were the case then he would be wondering about you too?
I would had asked him what he meant by that?

BackinBlack's avatar

We were casually talking about how his boss/brother in law tries to separate us and how I don’t feel a connection to him as a family member because of the way he treats me.

I said I didn’t’ want him to feel like he is torn between pleasing his boss/ brother in law and pleasing me. He said he knows how he treats me isn’t fair but that we all need to just get along. I agreed that I will continue to play nice as I have but I need to be able to talk to him about it. He agreed I can always talk about it and that he will “always take your side. Just don’t make me look like an idiot for being on your side.”

KNOWITALL's avatar

He’s just saying he’ll be on your side as long as you keep it cool. If you go in raging like a psycho, you’re on your own. Sounds reasonable.

BackinBlack's avatar

I didn’t put him in a position to support me…. we agreed to support each other when we got together. I’m not asking him to take anyones side I am asking him how I can help him find balance in this situation.

Why even say it…. obviously if he cheated on me I would be like welp I’m not on your side anymore but I wouldn’t never even put that out there as an option because he hasn’t cheated on me…. I feel like what he is saying is I’m worried you will make me look like an idiot so when that happens know I won’t be on your side.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@BackinBlack If the BIL is causing so many problems, why doesn’t he find another job and make everyone’s life easier?

BackinBlack's avatar

@KNOWITALL I’m sure this will all plateau eventually but we have discussed him leaving and he wants to stay. I said I would support whatever works best for him.

I think he needs to have a talk with BIL and just say you are causing some strife between us can you cool it a bit? But he doesn’t want to fan the flame so he’s not going to do that.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Bottom line is this: Work is work and home is home, don’t mix the two.
He probably is worried about losing his job and this is causing conflict by having a relative as an employer.
The two are separate..when at work he deals with only work problems.
When at home he deals with home situations.
Learn to keep them separate. Otherwise it causes conflict on both fronts.

janbb's avatar

I think you have to talk to him about how that made you feel and ask him why he would say it. It does sound like something to be upset about. What does he think you would do that would make him look like an idiot?

KNOWITALL's avatar

@BackinBlack Oh, this is the same BIL that seems jealous of the time you are with your husband, and they are in a band together?

So what instigated it this time, did BIL say or do something dumb again?

BackinBlack's avatar

@KNOWITALL lol yes same one! BIL added that husband needs to make a change in his life, to go on a trip to El Salvador with him to be away from me, and cut his hair and beard…. He said this after my husband spend two nights at the ER because of a heart issue that still isn’t resolved. ~A trip out of the country sounds like a great idea right now. ~

Inspired_2write's avatar

Oh I feel so sorry for your husband caught between two people telling HIM what to think!
That hospital stay offered more help in that he was in a quiet secure place to think ON HIS OWN . TOO many interfering and telling HIM what to do.
To tell someone to leave you and go to some God forsaken place so that that man can further isolate and therefore manipulate an outcome is a dangerous route for your husband.
Doesn’t anyone in his life care to know what HE thinks?
He needs space from all of this conflicting advice that is around him. There is no hurry to make a choice and he has to learn to stand up for what HE believes in.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@BackinBlack Yikes. Did he literally say ‘to be away from her’ or something?

Because that’s when your husband stops laughing it off and says “Dude, what’s your problem? You don’t get to say anything about my marriage or my wife, so cool it.”

I would really love to hear your husbands version of this. I know guys have guy talk about marriage and the Mrs, that kind of ribbing each other, but seems like this is getting a bit more than that. When it starts to interfere in your marriage and hurt your wife, it’s time to stand up and stop it.

I have told both my husbands brothers to eff off so don’t let it go too far, it doesn’t help.

BackinBlack's avatar

@KNOWITALL He did say “you need to spend a week away from her.” He gave him sh*t for saying that and that’s why he told me about the conversation.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Why on earth don’t you guys move far, far away? Your family in law is going to be the end of your marriage if you don’t get away from them.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@BackinBlack How rude. I feel like you’re only going to be able to take so much of this before you snap on them all. And tbh, I feel like you have every right to do so.

Can you not talk to their mom or dad about it, in confidence, to see why you are the bad guy in all this? What about BIL’s wife?

BackinBlack's avatar

I guess I just want to feel like my husband is on my side no matter what. All this going on and now the comment about not making him look like an idiot just isn’t helping.

If it’s his family he needs to set the boundaries and talk to them with out me being forceful and telling him what to do. I feel like I’m left out in the cold.

Maybe I should just not let it bother me and just ignore it all and put a smile on and forget it. Then he will not be in such a bad position and won’t have to “choose sides.”

KNOWITALL's avatar

@BackinBlack Of course you do, and it sounds like he is, he just doesn’t want to change jobs or have a major confrontation.

I hate that you can’t find out WHY he has such a problem with you. Maybe it’s a misunderstanding or something. So weird. If you ever find out, I want to know….lol

Darth_Algar's avatar

Sounds like this brother-in-law has some serious boundary issues.

janbb's avatar

@BackinBlack I would not talk to their parents about it. This is really for your husband to handle with his brother and he should stand on your side. If he can’t do that, then you and he should distance yourselves from the brother, whatever it takes.

chyna's avatar

I wouldn’t talk to the parents either.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Unfortunately the husband’s only way to take care of this situation is to have a heart attack…because he is internally suffering and doesn’t want to make waves or perhaps does not handle conflicts well?
As stated in your message in part..“husband spend two nights at the ER because of a heart issue” and its ongoing!!!!!
All this conflict WILL kill him internally if not physically too. Get help for the both of you before he suffers anymore or dies because of it.

ucme's avatar

It suggests union as a couple while at the same time stating an unease with a particular issue.
In other words, a perfectly normal, healthy relationship thing, can’t agree on everything.

Zaku's avatar

It’s a red flag, but the sentiment behind it is important, and it’s about avoiding looking bad, and not necessarily about not loving you, per se.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

You should ask him “Idiot like what?” You should be offended when someone said something like that to you, unless his reasoning is justified

kritiper's avatar

You don’t respect him enough to consider his opinions and you probably come off like he always agrees with you when, actually, he doesn’t. Show him some love.
Show him some respect. Everything isn’t always about you.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@kritiper So if your spouse’s brother (and boss!) continually interferes in your marriage and demeans you to your spouse, you aren’t allowed to be upset or say something when it continues on and on?

Maybe her husband should stand up for his wife and tell his brother to shut his pie hole up about her and his marriage instead.

Respecting your wife is just as important as respecting her husband and seeing as how she hasn’t flipped on her BIL, I’d say she’s showing restraint and respect. You choose your wife, not your brother(s).

BackinBlack's avatar

I am asking strangers on some website what his words could possibly mean because I care about his opinions and what is going on in his mind.

It’s about US. Me and my husband. When he tells me not to make him look bad when his BIL is telling him to get away from me I have a few questions about my place in the relationship.

I’m also asking you guys your opinions because I don’t want to overload him and I’m calculating what I do and do not bring up with him.

I show my husband love, I show him respect which is reciprocated. It’s not always 50–50 with us. All I am wondering is why he would fear me making him look bad in our union when he should trust me with his life. I trust him and would never say such a thing, especially during a conversation about someone trying to separate us.

BackinBlack's avatar

And for the record, there have been no events in our life to warrant ANYONE thinking we should be separated or for him to think he can’t trust me.

kritiper's avatar

@KNOWITALL Sure you can, But it pisses the husband off when he’s berated in front of other people. Save it for when you get home!

janbb's avatar

@kritiper Who said anything about her berating him in front of anyone? Sounds like you got hold of the wrong tail and are wagging it.

kritiper's avatar

How else could he feel like an idiot?

janbb's avatar

We don’t know and she won’t know until she asks him what would make him think that.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@BackinBlack Is it an all male company they work at together?

chyna's avatar

@kritiper You are making shit up that wasn’t said or implied. If anyone is being disrespectful it’s the BIL. He’s telling her husband to get away from her for a week. Sounds like he just wants someone to hang out with. And that may work in the BIL’s marriage, but it’s not a good idea to try to insert yourself between a married couple just because you need a playmate. BIL needs a single man to be his BFF.

kritiper's avatar

@chyna If I read between the lines properly, as a man, that’s what he’s saying.

kritiper's avatar

She is trying to run the whole show, and her husband as well. She needs to back off and let him live some of his own life instead of, what she wants, hers.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@chyna I couldn’t agree more, as far as the playmate comment.

@kritiper How is she doing anything when they’re both at work talking smack about her? I don’t know that her husband is, but he’s not stopping it either.

canidmajor's avatar

@kritiper, your concept of “reading between the lines” doesn’t seem to include reading the actual lines.

Zaku's avatar

“All I am wondering is why he would fear me making him look bad in our union when he should trust me with his life. I trust him and would never say such a thing, especially during a conversation about someone trying to separate us.”
I think this might be worth trying to isolate into a limited intentional conversation with him. Try to stay in the frame of you being the supportive loving non-adversarial partner “he should trust with his life” that you say you are, and in that frame, ask him what he imagines you might say, and after hearing that if you still don’t understand, why he would think and fear you might say that. Focus on getting the answers to those questions from a non-confrontational perspective, and then thank him for his answers and reflect on them by yourself.

kritiper's avatar

@canidmajor and @KNOWITALL We’ll never get the true story if only the OP does the talking. We need hubby to get on here and tell us what’s what from his POV. So, at the very least, your guesses are as good as mine. Remember, @candimajor, the “actual lines” are hers, not his.

canidmajor's avatar

Remember, @kritiper, the actual lines are hers, not yours. Extrapolating an entire married relationship (Mr Never Been Married yourself) from a Q on an anonymous Internet forum is silly. We have her perspective, respond to that. Your lack of eexperience in this area (marriage) is telling.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Maybe a man can answer this, what would you do if your brother, who is also your boss and bandmate, has some kind of grudge against your wife?

(PS I’m looking for a guy to say, I’d knock his ass out. If he kept it up, I’d find a new job and quit the band rather than ruin my marriage or hurt my wife any further.)

@Kritiper You’re probably right. I have been married for 15 years and my BIL’s really hurt me by turning into raging a-holes about two years ago. Trying to cause problems just because we won’t give them their way, like living with us for free, or ‘loaning’ them money anytime they ask, etc… I really identify with the OP.

kritiper's avatar

I may not be married but I am 65 and have 4 sisters! And I am a guy so I can sense his POV, which should be worth something, so don’t rule it out so completely! Your lack of male/husband insight is also telling.

chyna's avatar

I think it’s the husbands BIL.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@chyna the husband’s BIL would be her brother. I think it’s his brother that is giving them the grief.

BackinBlack's avatar

@Dutchess_III and @chyna it is his sisters husband. Only related by marriage.

We talked and he said he was really sorry that I was stuck on those words and he shouldn’t have said it that way cuz he didn’t really mean he feared I would he said it to reiterate how much he needs me on his side period. He understood why I felt like I was the cause of everyone’s stress and then that comment made me feel like he was turning on me too. SO I can forgive and forget. <3

However, we had a more private deep discussion about my need to feel like his wife and like he will always defend me and his need for my support even if I disagree. We promised to work on this and keep communicating.

What bothers me is that he told me to keep the peace because we live above BIL and he works with him and he doesn’t want to leave his job because it works for him. I have been grinding my teeth keeping the peace and I even let BIL walk all over me and watch him walk all over other people. All I want is to see him stand up for himself and me. Of course I will keep the peace, I don’t want to fight or divide us but telling ME to keep the peace when BIL is being nasty makes me feel unappreciated. I feel like I have been so supportive of this stupid company, I go to every event, and promote for them constantly, I go to EVERY single band concert for them WHEN AM I GOING TO FEEL SUPPORTED? Are we really supposed to just sit quietly and submit????

But there I go making things all about ME again. How selfish.

janbb's avatar

@BackinBlack It sounds like you had some great comunication and I also can understand your frustration. Would it be possible to separate your lives from theirs somewhat even if he keeps working with his BIL? Could you move into a place of your own? That might help enormously with the problems.

BackinBlack's avatar

@KNOWITALL No its not all male, there are a lot of females too. Our situation sounds similar… I think BIL doesn’t care for me because I don’t treat him like royalty… I treat him like everyone else gasp. He’s VERY controlling and I just never have given in to him. Did your in laws expect you to be like submissive people and they were shocked that you weren’t?

BackinBlack's avatar

@janbb It just keeps coming back to moving but its financially not an option and I also just LOVE my apartment. I put a lot of money into renovating it and its so perfect for us I couldn’t possibly leave. We decided to take it one step at a time and he will leave the band soon. He also wants to politely decline offers to hang out with BIL for a while. If that helps we will maintain it but if things are still off we will reconsider him quitting or us moving or something.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Wait….do you live in the USA @BackinBlack?

KNOWITALL's avatar

@BackinBlack Yes, that’s exactly it.

I married the baby brother and basically drew some lines in the sand about them treating him like a pos. They also thought they could run my home or stay whenever they wanted, that didn’t happen either.

I’m so glad you and your husband talked. Does he have any idea why this man is so mean about you? Declining offers may be a good start, but beware in case he blames you for that.

BackinBlack's avatar

@KNOWITALL I could see older brothers being like that! He absolutely will blame me like he has already. All I can do is make sure my hus knows I’m not forcing him to do anything.

My husband has said he’s definitely jealous in a weird way. I think he had an idea of who I was (and also husband) and found out that its so far from the truth it makes him want to bully me or bring me down. My husband said that when they hang out together and with other buddies he constantly berates him and talks sh*t to him to the other guys. He doesn’t do that to the other guys and everyone else kisses his ass.

He treats his wife really awful and is never around for her or the kids. He doesn’t help out with anything and that has been an issue because the sister calls my husband to do things for her. That has put a lot of strain on our relationship as well. They literally don’t spend ANY time together or share any interests or hobbies as husband and wife and maybe he is jealous that we share a lot together and my husband actually likes being around me.

He’s also really controlling and is a master influencer. I’ve seen him manipulate other people into doing or liking certain things and if they don’t conform he writes them off like they deceived him. Like I said, I’ve never been one to conform and I think that makes him jealous and it irritates his control issues.

I don’t know if I ever did something specific to piss him off… If I did, I am sorry I didn’t mean to but he needs to say something instead of acting like he has a grudge.

janbb's avatar

@BackinBlack Your lives will be so much better once you find a way to get this toxic person out of your lives. It will have to come to that at some point.

snowberry's avatar

BIL sounds like a classic narcissist. If you do a search for narcissistic behavior, I bet you’ll gain insight into a lot more of his behaviors, just from the list you get.

Bottom line, he’s toxic, and unless a miracle happens, there is no cure.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Back Sounds like he is a bully like my BIL’s. Sorry you guys have to deal with that.

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