General Question

anonymousmousie's avatar

How do I come to terms/deal with all of this?

Asked by anonymousmousie (146points) 4 days ago

I am writing this post not only for support but also because I really need to say all of this. I’ve never really told anyone.
I’m also gonna put a CW on here because rape and other sexual topics are mentioned (In no detail though). If any of this doesn’t make much sense this is my first time really putting it into words and I can clarify anything if needed. I was young when a lot of this happened (I still am) and I was sooo in love with him and dependent on him that I never could think about leaving him, even though I knew towards the end he was horrible for me. He’s the only person to ever treat me nicely when he was nice and he was very supportive and nice at times when I really needed it that I overlooked the manipulative/abusive moods he’d get in.
When I was 16 (This was in 2017), I met a man online. He was super nice and we talked for about a week before meeting up. For the first two/three-ish months things were super nice, aside from a few times he got mad at me for little petty things I can’t remember.
Anyways, In Sept 2017 there were some issues between my parents and my mother cheating, and he made all these promises about how he could never cheat on me because I was getting paranoid as this was a LDR, and come to find out recently that he was cheating the entire 1.5 years we were together.
I saw him occasionally, it was a bit hard bc I couldn’t drive and he always had to come to me. In December (When I was now 17) the car that he had bought got impounded and he blamed it on me as he was coming to see me that day. We got into an argument that lasted about a day and we made up.
Things didn’t really start getting bad into like March of 2018, when he left me for about 3 months because I wasn’t willing to meet with men for money. I thought it was incredibly immoral and horrible that he would force this on me, and I felt disgusting talking to these men, but he said If i really loved him I would do it, that he’s done so much for me, and all that. So I tried but never met up with anyone.
He didn’t text me for like two weeks and in May (2018) we started talking and I texted a friend of mine and drove 2.5 hrs to see him under the impression we were going to get together again, but it turned out he only wanted sex or something because he admitted to leading me on. I won’t go into a ton of detail but the circumstances in which I left really got people worried and got cops looking for me.
We did get back together over the summer, and things got super bad.
He started forcing me to agree with 3somes, again telling me if I don’t do it he’d leave me but he’d start calling me names, and guilt tripping me (I’ve done so much for you, etc).
In August, He met some chick and he tried to make me okay with an Open relationship, which I again was forced into agreeing with. At first it was he was meeting her for lunch, then it was just a BJ then it became no, he actually had sex with her. I was incredibly hurt be he sort of begged me not to leave so I didn’t. He kept saying he’d never leave me for her, but he wouldnt stay with me if I didn’t agree. Every time he brought up open relationships, it was only him that could go off with other people. I wouldn’t have been allowed to myself (not that I even wanted to)
Something happened this last September and he lost his phone and didn’t text me for a month. During this month I was raped and when he did message me once he got his phone back, I told him what happened.
He went on this huge rant about how I deserved it and how he was never gonna take me back and how I couldn’t talk to him unless I started making him money (By going off with men/ selling pics).
Eventually, (and to my regret) We did work things out and I was supposed to move in with him in January (Thank god I didn’t). I’ve started becoming more aware that this was very unhealthy and I also learned things about him.
Everytime he doesn’t get what he wants, he loses his mind. he starts name calling, he would block me or ignore me which drove me crazy and he knew it was the thing I hated the most. During one of our stupid arguemnts that we broke up over he told my friend “We are still together but I don’t want to tell her yet” And he knew damn well that I was crying and having a hard time dealing with it.
I recently found out he has done this to every girl he’s been with, which is of no surprise to me.
He’s a sex addict on top of all things and he is very very forceful to get what he wants. If girls weren’t interested in talking/having sex he’d verbally attack them. I was always into talking to him so he never really did that to me.
I have also found out that he has raped 3 women. It was while they were drunk/high.
This is the thing I am really struggling with. Despite all the horrible shit he did to me, said to me, etc, and theres more examples then I could ever put in one post, this is the worst. The fact that he put these women through this disgusts me and that he did it in a way where it’s hard to prove is even grosser, because I know it was intentional to make them drunk.
What I am struggling with even more, is that despite finding this out, I feel as if I still love him. But at this point I’m not sure if it’s even love or just a dependency because as I said in the beginning, he was very nice and sweet at times. I miss the nice version of him more than anything and I think that’s who I’m in love with.
I really need help coming to terms with all of this.
I need help getting over him, I need the strength to report him to the police. I don’t know how. I can’t explain what exactly it is I need help with just that I know i need it. I am now 18 years old. He is 27. I did have my faults, I was clingy, and he always capatalizes and what I did that he didn’t like whenever I tried to talk things out, which he’d always avoid doing.

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6 Answers

rebbel's avatar

Get. The. Heck. Away. From. Him.

Physically, emotionally (you might seek help for that), and break all contacts (social media, phone numbers, mail addresses, etc.)
He sounds like a manipulative predator.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Sounds like a pimp just using you to me. Dates with other guys, cheating, threesomes, all red flags. More than likely, he wanted you to move in so he could turn you out and make money.

You need to stop thinking thats love, its grooming you to be a prostitute. Unless you have proof of crimes, I would never speak or text him again. These are games you should not play, because you dont know the rules. I’ve seen it, its not a good life or happy, or safe.

janbb's avatar

I agree. You need to cease all contact with this abusive person. If you have supportive parents, turn to them for help.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

You must cut off all contact with him.

Kardamom's avatar

You were under age. So what if HE described you as clingy? So what?

He was an adult. You weren’t.

You need to talk to your parents (no matter if they won’t pay for yout college). You need to tell them exactly what happened.

This dude was a predator. You are probably not the only girl he used. That is pretty much a guarantee. Men like this are all over the place, and more so on the internet, where they can draw in young, vulnerable girls who are looking for love. The internet is one of the worst places to look for a real relationship, even if all the Apps say otherwise (they are out to make money, not to help people find love). Even if a few lucky people managed to find a relationship online, they are the exception. The internet is an easy way for men to hook up with kids, like you.

You’re parents are going to be mad, but they are the people who love you and want to protect you. Ask them to help you, and accept what comes of that.

Ditch the jerk child predator. Walk away without looking back. Press charges if need be, but don’t think for one second that this “nice” (NOT) guy had your best interest in mind. He used you, and abused your trust, and knowingly broke the law, and helped you to deceive your parents so he could get some jailbait booty. That’s what he saw you as.

Enlist the help of your parents and the police to stop this dude from hurting any other girls.

seawulf575's avatar

Let’s start with the obvious…this guy is bad. Period. You haven’t seen the worst he can do yet, I’d bet a shiny new dollar on that one. The advice of getting away from him is sound, but make sure you have protection when you do this. It sounds as if he is not above coming after you. He sounds like a guy that would trip off line if you told him to eff off or just blocked him out of your life. He could conceivably come over to attack you in person. Pepper spray or a stun gun are nice, non-lethal, alternatives for protection. If you have neither, keep a can of wasp/hornet spray nearby. If he comes over, don’t even open the door. Don’t let him tell you he wants to change or that he wants to work it out…he doesn’t want to do either. If he tries forcing his way in, a blast to the face with the pepper or wasp spray will be a great deterrent. Then a call to 911 IMMEDIATELY. Maybe you should do that when he first shows up. Calling the police will get them involved. If he shows up, call 911 and tell them you told this guy you don’t want to see him and he has shown up and you fear for your safety. When the cops get there, they will talk to you and to him separately and will make him go away. When you are talking to them, you NEED to tell them what you know about this guy and how you know it. Telling them you think he raped someone won’t be enough for them to arrest him for that, but it will definitely put him on their radar and then, if he does come back later and rapes you, they have a really good reason to arrest him.
Now onto how you need to deal with this. You have family and friends? Use them. True friends and a loving family will be there while you work this out. You say you are in love with the nice side of this guy. Here’s a thought…you want a nice guy. You don’t want/need a guy that puts on a nice guy mask to suck you in. Getting rid of this guy will open you up to finding that nice guy. My step-daughter went through a lot of hell because of her boyfriends. She had the knack of finding the exact wrong guys. She would pass on nice guys to snag onto a douchebag. A lot of that stemmed from her own lack of self-esteem. She felt that she wasn’t that great so she didn’t deserve any better. She knew these guys had issues but felt that if she could “fix” them, it would show she had worth. Through a series of guys over the years she finally hit a point of being hooked on heroin and living on the streets until we had her arrested. Since then she has turned her life around. She had worth all the time. The guys she was picking were not getting better because of her, she was getting worse because of them. People only change for the better because they want to, not because of an outside influence. They stole her looks, her health, her dignity and her laughter. Now she has all of those things back AND she has a nice guy that she doesn’t have to fix.
Things to remember…you can control only you. You sound like you have a good heart but have made some bad decisions. That is in the past. You know what right and wrong are. Don’t ever compromise your values. Find those things in your life that support those values and hang onto them. Eventually you will decide to go out with another guy. When you get to this point, don’t be fearful, but stick to your values. If he is asking you to do something you don’t want to do and is demanding it, he is showing he doesn’t care about your feelings. It is a HUGE warning sign.
Go forward from here. Be the person you want and bring the joy back into your life.

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