Social Question

ragingloli's avatar

[NSFW] You end up in the ER with a bottle up your backside. What excuse do you give to the doctors?

Asked by ragingloli (46303points) 1 month ago

Be creative.

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49 Answers

ucme's avatar

“Hey doc, quick…someone gave me arsenic!”

rebbel's avatar

“It’s a still a few days, but let’s bring out a toast to the new year!”

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Hmmm. Doc I’ll be honest. I got rip roaring drunk, blacked out and woke up in a ditch like this.

Brian1946's avatar

I was trying to get drunk on my ass, but instead my ass got drunk on me. ;-(

Incoherency_'s avatar

My ass “accidentally” fell on a pile of potato chips, so it got thirsty.

rebbel's avatar

“My pal Brett K-man and I were just boofing, nothing to it.”

SQUEEKY2's avatar

Doc, you the times when you shouldn’t have taken the dare?

Patty_Melt's avatar

My friend said she could make an ass of herself, and wanted me to hold her beer. I was kinda tequila drunk already, and got it a little mixed up.

Caravanfan's avatar

I am sure I am the only one on this list who has actually removed these things. The dildos are super easy, actually. You put them to sleep and then you just sort of massage it out from the outside. One guy got creative—he sawed off the working part of the hammer and then took the handle and put a bunch of duct tape to make it big and round. He totally fessed up to it, but his one request was that we didn’t tell his mom. Then after the procedure he wanted to take it home, but we said no.

The hardest thing I ever removed was the top of a hair spray container. The problem was that it was like a cup with a rim and the rim was pointed towards me. I used a rigid sigmoidoscope, and then tried to grasp it with a strong forceps, but it kept slipping off the plastic. Ultimately I had to get an assistant to push hard on the belly and she managed to work it so I could get a good purchase on it. I had to kind of pull to get it out because it was causing suction on the other side, and although it caused some bleeding, the guy didn’t perforate. We kept him overnight and he was fine.

BTW, it’s ALWAYS a man who does this. Never a woman, in my experience.

Patty_Melt's avatar

And funny just took a hard, fast turn. Yikes!

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Caravanfan ha, yes, many men seem a bit fixated on the butt, so that doesnt surprise me. My cousins have a few stories from the ER, all men, too.

ragingloli's avatar

well, their only other option would be the urethra.

Caravanfan's avatar

@ragingloli I’ve seen that too. But I don’t deal with those—that’s the urologist.

janbb's avatar

@Caravanfan Oh, the pleasures of being a doctor!

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

The genie told me if I did it that he would grant my wish.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

I hear stories like this from time to time and it’s always men sticking things up their butts. Women don’t do it.
Why is that?

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

(NSFW) @Dutchess_lll Women do. My sex education teacher told us about one time that a hot dog was shoved in her patients vagina and she couldn’t get it out and told her doctor and was fixed easily.

kritiper's avatar

“This guy bet me…”

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

@rebbel I don’t know. Lol.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

@Caravanfan Huh, well…shit. I just lost a little faith in humanity knowing that this is not urban legend now.

Patty_Melt's avatar

@RDG, genie! Love that. Banging the GA but it only let me give you one.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I was drinking in the shower,Doc.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

@Caravanfan I am having supper now. I must be desensitized because It doesn’t bother me. You might want to put (NSFW) in your link.

Caravanfan's avatar

@RedDeerGuy1 Don’t need to. The OP already has “NSFW” Anything posted after that is implied NSFW.

NoMoreY_Aagain's avatar

Its like this doc. We had an altercation and I told him to shove his beer up his gazoo. But I didn’t mean it literally!

gorillapaws's avatar

@Caravanfan BTW, it’s ALWAYS a man who does this. Never a woman, in my experience.”

A friend was doing his residency at a hospital and a female patient presented with complaints of a blue discharge. Upon examination, a racquetball was observed stuck in her vagina. The patient pretended not to know anything about it. I think they had to pierce the rubber ball, insert an angiocath and inflate the balloon to get the necessary leverage to extract it. Not sure what the CPT code is for that one,..

KNOWITALL's avatar

@gorilla Well he hit the ball really hard and I was wearing the tiny skirt see….haha, wow.

Pinguidchance's avatar

I had missplaced the bottle opener yet again while lubriciously flaunting the vessel at a party and notwithstanding the leather tether it just disappeared like knotted handkerchieves in a clown’s pocket.

Caravanfan's avatar

@gorillapaws Oh, women have foreign bodies in the vagina all the time, sure. But rarely the rectum. Also, it’s a helluva lot easier to pull something out of a vagina than it is the rectum, so we rarely see them.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

Well I accidentally peed on a possum once, at the lake..A friend and I laughed how I would explain a possum bite on my butt to the hospital. But possums are crazy passive, thank goodness.

NoMoreY_Aagain's avatar

Pissing on a possum? That’s kinky Dutch. ; )

Dutchess_lll's avatar

Accident. It was dark. I went behind the truck to per. When I squatted I felt briefly bristles brush my butt! I knew exactly what it was and hollered…somehow I don’t remember having to still pee after that.
Rick scooped him up with a shovel and tossed him in the lake. Poor guy, trying to play dead while keeping his head above water.
I researched possums when I got home. Good thing I did because after that, over the course of 4 years we would have regular invasions of possums into our house!!! That’s a whole other story.

NoMoreY_Aagain's avatar

@Dutchess_III I’ve had a possum or two in my yard but never inside (yet). The next door neighbors have a big dog that killed one and the damn thing somehow got over in my back yard to croak. Nasty looking things.

Jonsblond's avatar

This reminds me of an old recurring sketch from Saturday Night Live. Appalachian ER. Tyler is always coming into the ER with something stuck in his butt. https://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/appalachian-emergency-room-ferret-bite/n36904

zenvelo's avatar

“The instructions on the bottle of hemorrhoid cream said, ‘apply directly to affected area’; I was just doing as prescribed.”

Brian1946's avatar

@Dutchess_lll

I did not know that pissing on a possum, would not piss off a possum! ;-o

Dutchess_lll's avatar

Well apparently it pissed off his extended family!
It got so damn common place to wake up to possums in the house that one morning, about 6 a.m. I was awakened by Rick fumbling with the window above our bed. I opened my sleepy eyes and saw a plastic laundry basket a few inches from my face.
“What are yu doing?” I mumbled.
“Goddamn baby possum on the window sill” he snarled.
I half way sat up, looked around, and about 4 inches away there was a baby possum looking at me with wide, sad eyes.
“Cute little guy,” I mumbled as I laid back down.
“Cute little guy my ASS” Rick snarled as he opened the screen wide enough to shove the baby out the screen into the bushes.
Poor kid.
But to get where he was he probably had to walk over my prone body, and that skeeved me out a bit.
But I didn’t lose any more sleep over it.

Response moderated (Spam)
Patty_Melt's avatar

I am flabbergasted over the size of items mentioned.
Are some people freaking hollow?!!?

elbanditoroso's avatar

Which end of the enema bottle was I supposed to insert?

raum's avatar

My older sister worked in an ER. She said they removed all kinds of crazy things from rectums. The craziest was an actual gerbil.

ragingloli's avatar

She got to poke around inside Richard Gere? Awesome!

raum's avatar

Pre Richard Gere.
He’s just a copycat.

Response moderated (Spam)
Patty_Melt's avatar

I was soooo thirsty! Can you believe how I just sucked the water down so fast, I swallowed the bottle too.

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