Social Question

Laur_12th's avatar

How to find a good closure after a break up, what helps to move on?

Asked by Laur_12th (59points) April 29th, 2020


It’s been just over a month since my ex broke up with me after a 4 year relationship. It wasn’t a nice or good break up from his side, lots of feelings involved. He has his personal issues he is working on atm aswell (PTSD etc.). I’m quite a harmonic person and just wished out of respect that it would have gone a different way, to say goodbye with respect and in a good manner at least (we have been through so much in these 4 years). It’s very difficult for me to know and feel that someone I loved hates me now or treats me like that.
I know I can’t force it.
He cut me out of his life, deleted all the photos, put his status on single etc.
I find blocking on FB all a bit childish. I mean I’m still greatful for the 4 years and he means/meant a lot to me despite the horrible break up. Even though there is no contact between us and I repect his decision I still feel I didn’t find closure in some way.

* What helped you to move on?

*What is your experience with break ups, will there be some calm after the storm – to connect again in a friendly manner?

Thank you for listening.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

12 Answers

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

Spending more time on Fluther helped. I was told that when I find someone better than I would move on. It took me 20 years to move on.

jca2's avatar

If you are no longer a couple, it would make sense that he lists himself as single now on social media. If he listed himself as not single, it would be weird, unless he’s in a new relationship. If he hadn’t listed a relationship status before and you think he’s just listing it to bust your chops, who cares, don’t let it bother you, time to not care about what he does.

For me, I’ve remained on friendly terms with exes, although not in touch with them on a regular basis, as it wouldn’t be appropriate and wouldn’t help to move on by being in contact.

For you, I’d suggest keeping busy with other friends, hobbies, community groups or other groups around a common interest (for example a craft group, book group, poetry group, etc.).f If you don’t have a hobby, now’s a good time to find one. If you do have a hobby, now’s a good time to indulge in it! Since groups may not be meeting up in person at this time, they sometimes do virtual meetups.

If you can’t move on emotionally, maybe seek therapy.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Time is what has helped my past relationships, and I am friendly with all my ex’s still. That doesn’t mean we parted on good terms, but later were able to find peace and resolution.

When it’s fresh, it’s often like re-opening the wound, but a year or two later you are often healed enough to discuss it with a little emotional distance. Best of luck to you.

gondwanalon's avatar

Join a dating club. That’s what I did.
Good health to you.

kritiper's avatar

Commit to giving yourself six full months to get over it. Time heals (almost) all wounds.

LadyMarissa's avatar

He’s NOT doing the childish things because he “hates you”. He’s doing them because he “hates himself” for what he is doing!!! IF he didn’t care somewhere down deep inside, he would be completely indifferent. He “had to” block you because it would bother him IF you contacted him. So he’s NOT blocking you in order to upset you, he’s doing it to protect himself!!! Maybe he’s in the midst of one of his worst PTSD episodes & he feels that he can better protect you from his outbursts by distancing himself from you. It doesn’t appear that he has a new girlfriend or he wouldn’t have set his status to single. IF he did that any new gf would go berserk & make his life miserable until he changed it.

Whatever is going on is “on him” & I suggest that you give him his space until he comes to terms with what he’s going through. Just consider you two as NO longer being together & move on in your life. Who knows, you may meet someone new who fills that empty hole that you have right now. IF that happens, it will be HIS loss!!! Don’t concentrate on the things you miss about him. Instead, remember the hard times that you said you had gone through over those 4 years. Are you sure that you’re not just wanting to “save him”??? PTSD is something that HE will have to learn how to deal with himself. When he gets to the place where HE can deal with it, maybe he will feel comfortable enough to ask you to rejoin him in his life. Until then, BE YOUR OWN PERSON because you do NOT “need him” to be complete in your own life!!!

You might be surprised to find that time cures many of your problems!!!

jca2's avatar

@Laur_12th: You asked a similar question a week ago. Maybe stop looking at what he’s up to and try to concentrate on your own mental and emotional health.

Patty_Melt's avatar

It feels like you lost a part of yourself. This is not the case. You are still a whole, complete person.
Life holds many beautiful discoveries. By sulking, you are depriving yourself.
Pain takes a while to leave, but it does. For now, find an emotional bandaid. That is tough in these times of distancing, but doable.

Here are some suggestions:
If you like the outdoors.

Doing stuff with your hands.

Or get in touch with your inner self.

I know it feels right now like that four years was wasted time, because it is over.
Stop it. Don’t think like that.
Have you ever had a birthday party? Was it fun? Was that wasted time now that it is over?
The only wasted time is time you spend wishing the past to rejoin you. Move on, but don’t just move on. Branch out. Renew your now’s. The past is stepping stones, to move you forward. So do that. Move forward.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

That takes time.
If you’re going to ruminate, make sure to include all bad things as you need a clear picture to help move on.
Later on, you might be glad you dodged that bullet.
In the meantime, try to do something you enjoy.

SEKA's avatar

When thinking about him, be honest with yourself. He wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, so examine the thorns along with the roses. Whatever you do, don’t put him up on a pedestal as he doesn’t belong there

Response moderated (Spam)

Answer this question




to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther