General Question

chinchin31's avatar

Is it romantic for your husband to call you a hole during foreplay?

Asked by chinchin31 (1857points) 1 month ago
Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

19 Answers

Response moderated
Irukandji's avatar

No, but it’s probably not intended to be romantic. It’s a kind of D/s dirty talk. Some people get off on saying degrading things during sex. Some people get off on being degraded during sex. Not my thing, but also not my business as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult.

RayaHope's avatar

That sounds disgusting and degrading to me.

chyna's avatar

That’s not romantic at all. It sounds like a dominance type of thing. Is this new or has it always been going on?
Either way, if you don’t like it, stop it now before it gets into other things you dislike.

rebbel's avatar

Is it “a hole”, or “asshole”?

cookieman's avatar

As in, “12th hole. On the back nine.” Is he a golfer? Or maybe ‘black hole’, a scary wonder of space. Or ‘doughnut hole’, sometimes called a ‘munchkin’. Are you very short?

Probably none of those.

I agree it could be an attempt at dirty talk. Since you’re asking, I have to assume this is new for your husband. He was trying it out.

You gotta talk to him. If you don’t appreciate it, tell him. Maybe offer alternatives if you do like dirty talk I general.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Seems like that’s a personal thing between you and him – were you role playing?

Why are you telling us? If it bothers you, isn’t he the person to talk to?

gorillapaws's avatar

Based on your earlier question from last year, I’d say your husband doesn’t respect you. Referring to you as a “hole” is a means of stripping you of all value and humanity to the point that your entire essence amounts to being a receptacle for his penis.

I know you’re not from the US, so there may be cultural/language issues. “Romance” is not a word I would use for this attempt at degradation. Romance is usually about making your parter feel sexy, loved and valued as well as desirable with an emphasis on an interpersonal connection/pair bonding. A couple could go for a romantic walk on the beach or enjoy a romantic dinner without intercourse for example.

As @Irukandji points out this is about a dominant/submissive dirty talk thing. Those games can also bring about an increase in intimacy in a relationship, if BOTH participants are enjoying it. If that’s not the case, I agree with everyone else, that you should put a stop to the behavior immediately. Dominant/submissive games when only one person is enjoying the experience is essentially mental/emotional/sexual abuse.

RayaHope's avatar

@gorillapaws YES! You said this PERFECTLY!!

WhyNow's avatar

I’m not sure of what that word means. Sometimes during foreplay you just gotta go
beast mode… just saying. As long as it’s safe.

Still… I can think of extremely non romantic words that probably should never be
said such as the name of his mistress.

jca2's avatar

I don’t think of it as romantic or a romantic word. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and value you. I didn’t read the previous post you made that someone linked above so maybe he doesn’t respect you, I don’t know. If you don’t like the language he used, you should tell him. Perhaps you are feeling disrespected or undervalued.

WhyNow's avatar

@gorillapaws They say elephants have a good memory but apparently so do gorillas.

filmfann's avatar

It’s really up to the participants.

ragingloli's avatar

It is a kink.
Some people like to be degraded, insulted, choked, slapped, tied up.
Conditioned by media and pornography, he probably assumes you are into that, as well.
If you are not, tell him.

HP's avatar

I like loli’s take “whatever floats your boat” in the bedroom. If he treats you like a “ho” in your favorite restaurant—THAT’S another matter.

Pandora's avatar

No. There is a difference between romantic and hot. Did you mean to ask if it was hot or sexy instead of romantic?

For some people, it may be HOT, and for others, it is a turn-off or even belittling and insulting or repulsive or demeaning. But, it is far from romance.

Romance is flowers, kind gestures, a nice walk together after dinner, making dinner or going out to dine in a restaurant with intimate booths and nice lighting, or going out dancing or holding hands and cuddling at home watching a movie or dressing up and going dancing, or reliving how you met or writing a sweet poem.

There are times in a couple’s life when you just want to please the animal within, and other times you want intimacy. Feeding the beast the is easier but romance that leads to intimacy involves time and caring. Intimacy feeds the soul and bonds you with the other person. It goes a little past just hormonal-driven sex.

Of course, others may disagree because sex isn’t the same for everyone, but you should talk to your partner if this doesn’t float your boat. A good partner would always want you to feel comfortable and loved.

WhyNow's avatar

@Pandora I’m thinking feeling safe with your partner can lead to romance.
Am I off?

RayaHope's avatar

@Pandora I think you said it BEST! :)

Pandora's avatar

@WhyNow I feel safe with friends and family, it doesn’t mean that it will ever, ever lead to romance. Safety brings about trust which is the minimum requirement of any good relationship but romance is often kindled with kindness, selflessness, and the desire to show your love for another in ways that make them happy and their happiness brings you joy in your heart.

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