General Question

jividenm's avatar

Engaged at 19?

Asked by jividenm (168points) November 5th, 2008

we have been dating for 4 months and he proposed.(i said yes) i love him so much, but i also have had my heart broken before. and i know its really soon, and my family and friends seem to think im a fool. what do you think?

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48 Answers

b's avatar

Set the wedding date for a year and a half from now, maybe two. If you are still together then you might have a chance. Getting married so young has a good chance of failure. Just make sure you are both on the same path.
But seriously, I suggest not going through with it.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

How old is he? How did you meet? Is the a rebound relationship from your broken heart? What about school?

It can work, but the odds are against it. OTOH, nothing wrong with long engagements. I agree with b. Set a wedding date for after you turn 21. If either of you don’t think you can wait, that’s a pretty good sign that this is infatuation, and you should rethink it.

willbrawn's avatar

I say go for it. As long as you feel right about it and you are both willing to work hard on a marriage. Go for it!

Snoopy's avatar

4 months? Sheesh! What’s the rush?

SuperMouse's avatar

You have only been dating four months, you are way too young and this relationship is way too new for you to consider marriage. You have plenty of time to get to know each other. Why rush?

jividenm's avatar

hes 20. we met thru work, im soooo over my ex. long time ago and hes a big fuck up. we plan on waiting till we are both out of school for the wedding.


PupnTaco's avatar

Too young to know. Ditto on the set the engagement for a couple years out. Save money on the ring – get one at a second-hand or antique store for now, skip Tiffany.

sfortunata's avatar

I would at least move in together for a while. My husband was 19 when we started dating and we lived together for a couple of years before we got married. We had no doubts about getting married when we first got together, but living together made us more confident about that decision. I agree with @willbrawn, if you both are willing to work at it,it can totally work. But 4 months seems like hardly enough time to get to know each other. I’d go for the long engagement. Also wedding are EXPENSIVE….even if you DIY it. Make sure that you know what you’re in for. It can put a lot of stress on your relationship.

jividenm's avatar

he has money, thats not a problem. but i forgot to mention that i go to school 3 hours away from him at the moment. we have been together 3 of the 4 months long distance.

jsc3791's avatar

WAIT. What is the big rush?


chyna's avatar

@jivi “I’m so over my ex”? Was that in the equation to being engaged? The fact you even brought that up tells me that you aren’t. Are you just trying to get back at your ex? Think this through and then… think it through again. Something tells me your ex is figuring into this.

EmpressPixie's avatar

Too soon! Take your time. Enjoy a long engagement if you must. But at least, you know, more time. Tooooo soon.

jividenm's avatar

@chyna, it was in response to an above answer.


chyna's avatar

@jivi which question? don’t see where anyone asked you about an ex.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

<—I asked if it was a rebound relationship from a broken heart.

jividenm's avatar

btw, what does OTOH mean?


AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

On The Other Hand

jividenm's avatar

ahh, thanks. my knowledge of web-isms is ever growing. my peers dont really use them as much as people in my generation. weird :P

chyna's avatar

Ah ha, I see this now. Sorry Jivi.

generalspecific's avatar

for the sake of a good marriage and the price of divorce, please wait.
4 months isn’t shit. did you know most couples have serious problems at the 6 month mark?
you should definitely just wait it out a bit.
and honestly, doesn’t matter where the damn ring comes from.

jividenm's avatar

o, i know. its just really pretty. ive never been treated so well. im not used to such nice things

sorry for flaunting.

generalspecific's avatar

it’s cool, I can definitely understand that you’d be excited but you should just slow down a bit, and really think about what’s best for your future, and think about how you feel right now, and how you’d really honestly feel being with this person the rest of your life.
it’s a pretty tough decision, and i wish you guys the best of luck.

jividenm's avatar

@general, thanks for that link. great advise.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Will being engaged affect your relationships at college? Stop you from wanting to continue your education? How often do you see each other?

jividenm's avatar

on average probably every 2 weeks. ill go there, he’ll come here type of thing. and absolutly not- im education and future career is way to important to me. next year im transfering closer, but not because of him. my parents cant afford this school anymore- so hello University of Toledo. lol. but he says he will follow me where ever i want to go. im an advertising/marketing/ management major so i will most likely get a job far away. hes finishing up next fall, i will be done in ‘11.

jividenm's avatar

my education***

augustlan's avatar

I got married when I was 19 and he was 21. At the time, I felt it was fine for me, as I had been an “adult” for a very long time by then, if not legally. It lasted 17 years before ending in divorce. The last 8 or so years were quite difficult. I would not recommend that everyone get married at that age. Most people change an enormous amount as they grow older.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

There used the be this lovely institution of “pre-engaged” that would seem to fit your circumstances better than engaged. Committed relationship, not entirely there yet. Being engaged and having it end is really much worse than dating and having it end. And until you know each other better, you probably shouldn’t be dazzled by the money and the rock. Those are convenient, but aren’t really a decision factor. The six month thing is big.

jividenm's avatar

see, that’s another thing. and i guess you have to know me to see this, but the money and the rock? i really could care less about. in fact- i didn’t even know he had THAT MUCH $ until he whipped out that blue box!

i guess what im trying to say is- why are people so negative about young engagements? id like to think we are smart individuals, we both have our shit together, and we fit together like a puzzle. It hurts me when all these people are telling me that im wrong- that we are wrong.

maybe its the romantic in me but,
<<<< shouldnt love be enough?>>>>>

and as for my mom… its the other side of the coin. she wants grand kids already.YEA RIGHT- KEEP DREAMIN!

jsc3791's avatar

You shouldn’t have asked the question if you didn’t want honest (and more experienced) people to respond. Just because you don’t like the answers doesn’t mean they are negative.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Because young engagements mean that you make choices that may limit options that affect the rest of your life, especially if the relationship doesn’t work out down the road. I think when you’re young, it’s easy for other things to masquerade as love. Marriage is a commitment. There’s more to marriage than romance. I’m not saying it doesn’t work, or that it’s wrong. It can work. The odds of it lasting are better if you’re a little older.

jividenm's avatar

@jsc, to be honest i asked the question to get answers- i appreciate everyone’s input. i know im inexperienced. i mean my grandma wants to strangle me! i just want to know why.

[[[[ thats why as asked in the first place ]]]]

i asked for opinions.

and who said i didnt like the answers?

Snoopy's avatar

“why are people so negative about young engagements?”

jividenm many of us posting have one thing that you and your beau lack….life experience.

You seem to be seeking validation for your desires. Bottom line, the odds are against you. Does that mean it is impossible for you to make it? Of course not. But you are hitting the same wall here that you are hitting w/ your family. Don’t expect it to be any different.

jividenm's avatar

i know i lack life experience- thats why im asking…..why.

very few bloggers here have answered this question. tell me what in your life has effected you to say what you do. tell me why youre jaded.

i guess i want to know what hurdles am i coming up to, what can i expect?

i want to know what has happened to the people that moved faster than most, i want to know how this ‘norm’ came to be. i want to know whyyyyy there is a negative cloud over this subject.

and the only validation i need is 3 hours away. thanks.

but yet again. maybe there is no answer to this conundrum. maybe your life experience cant help me with my own. im not trying to be rude or cocky- in fact i really enjoy hearing from all of you. its not often i get such honesty from established individuals.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

One thing that I can think of is religious, cultural, family dynamics. Are you of the same or compatible religious beliefs? Can you live with each other’s political beliefs? How does his father treat his mother? What is the family attitudes towards each other? All of this may not seem important now, but it has the potential to impact your relationship in the future. What are his life goals? Where does his money come from? How did your engagement ring come to be selected (who picked it out, would you have wanted to pick out your own ring?)

Often, early marriage, or an older guy (not your case) is common with guys who have control issues.

nikipedia's avatar

@jividenm: It’s not necessarily about being jaded. If I had married the boyfriend I had when I was 19, I would not have gotten the chance to date everyone I have dated since then, and I have learned so much and been so grateful to know each and every one of them intimately. Each person I’ve been in a serious relationship with has contributed so much to who I am today, and I could not be more grateful to them.

I would not want to get married right now, no matter how wonderful the man was, because I cannot imagine going through the rest of my life without ever again having the experience of falling in love with someone.

As for the hurdles you are coming up against, here are some possibilities:

1. One of you could turn out to have a serious illness, mental or physical, and the other might have to put your career etc. on hold to be a caretaker.
2. You might change your mind about something significant that could turn out to be a dealbreaker for your husband—having kids, your political preferences, your religious views, career goals, etc—or he could change his mind about any of those things.
3. You might fall out of love with him, or him with you.

….or any number of other things. The thing is, your big hurdles are more likely to be things you don’t see coming rather than things you do.

basp's avatar

Earlier you asked, “isn’t love enough?”
We are celebrating our 30th anniversary this year and I can tell you for a fact that love simply isn’t enough.

jividenm's avatar

hes really religious. me not so much.ive been left with a bad taste in my mouth with the whole religion thing, but im really relaxed about it- but we have talked about it. were on the same page for now. so i guess we will have to see on that issue.

were both democrats- i cant see that ever becoming a problem (GOBAMA) hehe

his mom is the one who “wears the pants” i think. shes kind of “rough” but has always been very sweet toward me. i don’t fully understand their family dynamics yet. i mean- they stopped giving Christmas gifts because the boys were “too old” (stopped believing in Santa)

his parents are interesting. i was raised very differently than my fiance. they own a family business so i don’t think they were ever around nearly enough as they should have been. he says that they didn’t do a lot of things together as a family. but he seems very interested in the way my family does things. which is good.

i think i threw a wrench in his life plans. i think we both planned on being single for a long time. we never ment to fall in love. i just happened. hes almost done with his college already.

his money is interesting. for a long time he wouldn’t tell me why. but he and his dad got in a bad car accident when he was about 11. he almost died. and they sued and got a large amount of money. a lot of it went toward his surgery. and most of it he cant touch for a long time. (hence why i never knew)

my engagement ring is a cute story. on our first date i wore a Tiffany ring and earrings. (fake; gotta love china town) and he called me out on it! well, i lied until my face turned blue, (obviously how embarrassing! whats a girl to do?) but he knew i was bluffing. I’ve never been a good liar. and when he proposed he said “here’s something real; cause your worth it” and I’m more than fine that he picked it out. but he did give me the option of picking the band (when the time comes)

ive been warned about the control issue. and really the only thing he really doesn’t want me doing is drinking while I’m at school. i have a bad track record of drunk hook ups, and that scares him. so i understand. would you consider that controlling? he doesnt drink while I’m away either, that was part of the agreement. but i mean, i still go out- i just cant get hammered like i used to (college life)

what does this information say about him? us?

jividenm's avatar


what is enough?
what makes a relationship last?

the only lasting relationship in my family are my grandparents::: and they don’t even share a bed anymore! and I’ve never even seen them kiss! i don’t want to be like that.

what advise can you share?

La_chica_gomela's avatar

After I had been with Tim (the love of my life) for a few months he started asking me to marry him, (edit: i was 19 at the time, also, actually) and I wanted to say yes, at that point, I was so infatuated with him, I just wanted to jump in, get married, live together, get a dog, the whole thing, but we were broke, so that wasn’t really an option, no ring, no ceremony, it would all have to wait until after graduation. With graduation actually approaching now, we are still together, and now I’m really glad that we didn’t get married before. I love him just as much as I did then (if not more), but in a completely different way. I feel like I see him much more clearly now than I did at 4 months. that i didn’t know him as well as i thought, and with each day, i learn a little bit more about him. and that was with us spending every waking moment together. we wake up together, we eat lunch together, and we spend our evenings together, every day. That being said,

Let me just say I am so happy for you!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!! It’s a very exciting time! I hope you stop to just savor it!

If I was in your shoes (which I’m not, but from the looks of it our shoes are about the same size and shape, if you want to follow me down that metaphor), I would set a wedding date soon after your graduation. It’s long enough to prove to your friends and family that you two are serious about each other, long enough to get to know each other a little better, and soon enough that you won’t be waiting forever, and you can start your lives together, on equal footing, with both of you having college degrees.

jividenm's avatar


its good to know there is hope. i promise no wedding plans for a while. most definatly none before graduating.(my dad would kiiiiiill me)

thanks for the advise!

funkdaddy's avatar

“very few bloggers here have answered this question. tell me what in your life has effected you to say what you do. tell me why youre jaded.

i guess i want to know what hurdles am i coming up to, what can i expect?”

I started dating a wonderful girl back in high school, we went to the same school and when it was time to pick a college, her best opportunity was about 3 hours away. I encouraged her to go, told her we would be fine, and even though it was a little humbling for both of us we talked about the likelihood that we wouldn’t be together forever. We decided we wanted to try the long distance relationship though, talked regularly, and saw each other pretty much every other weekend. We had our sets of rules just like you’re talking about (no touchy touchy was the joke) but an understanding that we needed to live our lives and have fun as well. The first year was especially difficult, she was in a new town, didn’t have tons of friends to begin with, was stuck in a dorm and I was back home with everyone I grew up with and lots of opportunities for fun. I also worked a service industry job, so weekends were prime money time and I couldn’t always get off. There was a lot of bitterness if one of us couldn’t make time for the other, whether that was a nightly phone call or a weekend trip. The time together was wonderful, the time between was tough, there were unnecessary fights and at times it just didn’t seem worth it.

After that first year it got a little easier, we fell into a pattern that made us both happy. We both had a great time, accomplished our goals, and still made time for each other whenever we could. Sometime in her third year of college we hit a rough patch and one day she called me and told me matter of factly that it was over. No detailed explanation, just “I can’t do this anymore, you don’t visit like you used to, and I’m done.” We’d been dating 5 years.

I was broken. I drove up to see her to try to get a little face to face time and figure out what was going on. We talked, essentially she felt like she hadn’t had the opportunity to date anyone other than me. People had been in her ear telling her I couldn’t possibly have been faithful all that time from that far away if I liked to go out and have a good time. She had also been going out and liked the attention she was getting, and felt like she needed to be free for a while. She didn’t want to cheat on me, and didn’t want something to happen she would regret so she felt it was best to break up. Honestly I agreed with her, I could totally support that, I was still broken, but at least I understood. I suggested we get together in a year and see where things stood, she said she had no idea where she was headed but just knew she had to look around some before settling down forever. She said she’d like to stay in touch and we did.

The next six months were the lamest time in my life to this point. It was like some weird limbo period where we were broken up, but we’d still talk and she’d come visit. I had to keep my mind busy so I was either exercising, drinking, or working. People worried. Mothers were called. I spent a glorious evening in jail for public intoxication (never sit in your car when drunk boys and girls).

After that we were back together, but it was different. She felt bad, she was sorry, we were both insecure, I wasn’t myself and had been a mess for the last 6 months. Essentially we now had “issues”. We couldn’t talk about certain things without setting one of us off. We fought more than we needed to. But we had both decided we didn’t want to live without the other if we didn’t have to.

She was still in school 200 miles away so I quit my job (job sucked anyway ;) and moved. Everyone thought I was crazy, but there really wasn’t another way to find out. We lived in her 400 sq ft apartment, I got a new job, I bought a ring, I proposed, she said yes.

We got over the issues and lived together. I learned not to talk to her while she’s on the toilet and she learned it can take me a solid 20 minutes to put my socks on. We both agreed never to fart on each other again. We learned a lot. We got married a year and a half later. We’ve been married 6 years (together 12). She is without a doubt the greatest fit for me. She’s my #1 homey. I helped her get through school (twice) she helped me get through starting a business. Life is grand.

So there’s the back story, I’m sorry it is so long and I sincerely hope it helps. The advice I would give you, where you’re at now is…

1) If that sounds like something you want to go through, give it a shot, but you’ll question it a lot, so you need to be sure. Those 6 months of lame were absolutely necessary for us and honestly you’ll probably be the same.

2) There’s no hurry, you’ve known him for 4 months, if you’re in different towns you’ve probably spent what, 10–20 days with him? Why not date a while, tell him to hold the ring, tell him you’re committed, but you’d like to spend some time with him before moving forward. If you guys can’t hold off for a year, how would you hold on for 60?

3) Unless one of you has some religious or moral obligation against it, live together before getting married. It’s a whole new game and a lot different than spending the night or even 80% of the time at the same place. Your personal space and his personal space will have to overlap.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Funkdaddy is very wise.

jividenm's avatar

wow, what an insiration. i know there are ruff times ahead, i now i think im ready. its nice to know that its natural to doubt things, that everyone does. and if anything- i think the distance will bring us closer. we have learned to get more out of the time we have together, hopefully it will all play out well.

thanks guys!

basp's avatar

You asked what else a good relationship/marriage needs besides love. I will try my best to sum that up…
It takes determination. It takes patience, humility, and friendship. It takes guts. It takes humor and the ability to forgive and forget. It takes time, time for listening, time for growth both individually and as a couple. It takes mutual experiences that bond two people together.
Now, I’m sure that as you read through my list you were checking off those attributes you believe you and you boyfriend have. But, the most important thing a relationship needs is thecwisdom to know when, where, and how to use those attributes.
Good luck in what ever decision you come to.

beccalynnx's avatar

man, i just turned 18 and am already engaged. i’m not planning on getting married super soon, but still engaged. if you are really in love, there should be nothing stopping you.
my fiance and i went to the same school, have known eachother since middle school, and have always been best friends. even in those 4 months where he left school and town without a word. i had absolutely no clue what was going on while he was gone, but that one night when he called me back to tell me he missed me was all i needed. we’ve been “oficially a couple” for only a few months, but i’ve always known that he’s what makes me complete.

of course, we still both have our times when we get frustrated and confused, but we always end up laughing about it later. it’ll take time, but it’ll be worth it.

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