At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later

discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying

to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a

protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft

said he believes the man is a member of the notorious

al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with

carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,”, Ashcroft said. “They desire

average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off

on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret

code names like “x” and “y” and refer to themselves as

“unknowns”, but we have determined they belong to a common

denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

“As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3

sides to every triangle,” Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If

God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction,

He would have given us more fingers and toes.

“I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that

it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are

willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky

statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of

influence,” the President said, adding: “Under the

circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our

point, and draw the line.”

President Bush warned, “These weapons of math instruction

have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a

scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a

Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex.”

Attorney General Ashcroft said, “As our Great Leader would

say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty

of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered

as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.”