General Question

arcoarena's avatar

Is it important for you and you significant other to have many things in common? Is your wife (or husband) actually your best friend who enjoys the same things as you?

Asked by arcoarena (692points) November 26th, 2008

I have been dating the same girl off and on for 3 and a half years now and we really don’t have too much in common.

We both love playing games and a few other things but i’ve found myself bored hanging out with her because recently she has just always wanted to watch (in my opinion) crappy reality tv shows. She doesn’t like doing things outside much and we don’t really enjoy the same tv and we used to like the same music but now she makes fun of me whenever i put on music i enjoy so we don’t really even like the same music anymore either.

is this going to be a major issue?? she keeps talking about getting married and i’m nervous that we don’t have enough in common.

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22 Answers

scamp's avatar

If you are bored now, it may be an indication that this is not the one for you. You don’t have to have everything in common for a marriage to work, but it helps if you have at least something that you both like.

So I would say yes.. this is a major issue.

laureth's avatar

I think it’s important to look like the Mastercard symbol – Overlapping a bit, and that’s all.

If you don’t have any interests in common at all, there’s really nothing to hold you together (unless the sex is great, heh). If all your interests are the same and you’re never apart, then you have a greater chance to get bored with each other and no chance for absence to make the heart grow fonder. There has to be a happy medium for things to really zing!

Now, there are couples for whom the less-in-common thing really works. If you differ in ways that are complimentary, or if you’re really interested in the ways you’re different, it can be a real turn on. That’s only when it’s exciting, though. If the lack of anything in common causes dismay or boredom, as it seems in your case, that might be a warning flag.

It’s likely that she’s thinking marriage because the relationship feels stable and safe. If that safety and stability feels more like a rut than a benefit for you, perhaps it’s time to talk it over with her. Just be gentle – you probably don’t want to break her heart, just give her a reality check – and let her know that you’d like to find more things in common, if possible. (Or maybe you don’t, in which case she should know that, too.)

It doesn’t sound like you’re very excited about the relationship, though, and that’s what’s setting off the warning bells for me. That’s more of a major issue than anything else you’ve said.

Allie's avatar

I think it’s important to have things in common with your significant other. Ultimately, I want to marry my best friend. Not my current best friend though, because she’s a girl. You know.. the boy kind. I like those.

AstroChuck's avatar

My wife and I are definitely two distinct people, but we do share many interests. Most importantly, we enjoy each other’s company and spend most of our free time with one another. I think you can have a great relationship with your spouse/SO and still not be best friends, but you are really lucky if you have both. I consider myself incredibly lucky.

acebamboo77's avatar

I have been friends with my boyfriend for almsot 10 years now… we are best friends…and just recently dating after being a casual hook up for one another for over three years.
That being said…. i cant see myself with anyone else… ever. i have never been more comfortable or happy… we enjoy the same things, and understand each other because we share similar views, and ive never had that in any other relationship.

dynamicduo's avatar

Me and my partner’s interests overlap but they are not all the same. In fact some things I was interested in before, I am interested in less now. Being exactly the same is just as bad as being totally different in my opinion. Also, people grow and change as time goes on and sometimes people just grow apart. But I would not marry a partner who I had nothing in common with – how boring of a life would that be, never doing anything together, or even worse hating each other for doing seemingly stupid things.

Spargett's avatar

Somewhat similar mindframe, different interests.

You have to compatible, but you don’t want to date a copy of yourself.

toyhyena's avatar

I think the most pressing issue is that she keeps talking about marriage. Just talk to her that you don’t see what the rush is (what benefit would you two get out of marriage?) and to just continue how things are. I mean, as my guy says, the thought of marriage makes the relationship sound more like a burden (and this way, it’s more of a choice, which has a lot more appeal.) Until children get involved, there’s really not enough of a benefit we’d get from marriage (although by now it might be a common law issue? heh). But yeah, before marriage, try living together if you don’t already. You really learn a lot from each other (put that compatibility to the test), and you don’t have that issue of a marriage that can fall apart hanging over your head. It’s just you two, and believe it or not, marriage isn’t a magical tooth fairy that changes anything about that. :)

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 years total, and 4–5 of those were living with him. We’re not married, but I feel like we might as well be. Things aren’t slowing down between us in terms of what we feel for each other, and if we don’t share an interest, some of them are conveniently different (such as I like to clean and criticize his cleaning job, and he really likes to cook, while I suck real bad at it).

We have enough interests in common that we don’t get all that bored hanging out together, and if we do, it’s more of like a comfortable bored and not so much an awkward one? Just like a best friend, you can always rattle off anything with them and it’s cool :D

toyhyena's avatar

Also, it doesn’t sound like that stuff is a big deal. I like some dance reality shows and my boyfriend thinks they’re dumb. He likes this anime series called Gundam and I think it’s pretty boring. But we do watch things we both like together. I’m a big-time introvert that would rather do internet research and take notes, and he’s more of a party-going extrovert that’d rather hang out with friends. Our musical tastes are only about 60% alike too. I’d say Laureth hit the nail on the head with the Mastercard symbol idea.

At the end of the day, it’s really compatibility thing and how much you enjoy your time with them (and do you guys have enough things you can do together?). Try not to picture the rest of your life with them (can anyone do that?), but instead, consider how you feel about them today. Also, how well do you know her? That’s another thing you might want to get out of the way.

jessturtle23's avatar

Talk to her about how you’re feeling and how she responds will probably seal the deal on what side of the fence you are on. My bf was my best friend for almost 10 years and at some point we figured out that we should date each other instead of trying to date carbon copies of each other. We have different social lives now and not as much in common as we use to but there is no doubt in either of our minds about being together at the moment.

mzgator's avatar

My husband and I are two very different personalities. He is very structured and rigid, and I am a whatever comes we’ll figure it out kind of girl. He is my best friend. I can tell him anything and he lives me and supports me. I go to sleep knowing that I have the most dependable and living person in my corner forever. I am there for him for anything that comes along . It’s awesome to be in love with your best friend+

arcoarena's avatar

Thanks everyone for your responses!

I mean i really do love her and I love spending time with her. I guess I just wish that we had more things that we could do together. We fit together really well but it just seems like sometimes we have so much that is not the same and that seems frustrating when we are both compromising most times when we hang out.

I really do like the mastercard reference Laureth. I’m going to try to talk to her about finding things that we both like more and just being able to be with each other doing separate things which i don’t mind but she feels like she is getting left out usually during these times.

Sometimes I just feel it would be so much better if I was dating someone who loved the same kinds of music and enjoyed many more of the things that I enjoyed doing as well but I guess it doesn’t always work out that way?

So I guess it’s not that I’m bored but i’m just wishing there were more commonalities between us that we could bond over and enjoy doing together though.

dynamicduo's avatar

I suggest looking around your community or city for fun things you can try together for the first time – maybe a class at the community center, or even a martial arts program. I’m sure you’ll find something you both love and then you can continue and learn together :)

MissAnthrope's avatar

I’ve had relationships with girls I’ve had tons in common with and girls I only had a little in common with. When compared, I realize how much happier I am when I’m with someone who I have things in common with. I do like when my partner has different, diverse interests because then I get to be exposed to new things and also get to admire them for being good at something out of my field of experience.

However, it does kind of depend.. For example, I could never be with someone who was a raving sports nut.. I have no interest in sports whatsoever and all of that stuff bores me. It would probably suck for my partner that I so dislike what they’re passionate about.

Another thing is that when you have things in common, it also means more than just interests. It helps to share a sense of humor and appreciation of the same things, for example. So even if you don’t like all of the same things, you can still be out somewhere and have a great time.

basp's avatar

I was hoping I could toss a few nuggets of wisdom into this conversation, but everyone has already given such good advice.
I would only add that when all the commalities or differences in your relationship are set aside, do you feel that there is a spark of love with her that you never want to lose? That is where the answer lies.

augustlan's avatar

@AstroChuck: Awwww

I’m with Laureth. You don’t have to have a ton in common. In fact I think it’s healthy to have your own hobbies and interests outside of the relationship. You should definitely have common ground though. Doing things together is nice, and strenghthens the bond, but even more important is a common outlook on life and the ability to engage one another in conversation. Some of the best times my husband and I have together are just us sitting at the kitchen table talking for hours.

Trance24's avatar

Originaly I was going to say no just because it is not that big of a deal to me. However
in your case you are becoming bored, which could also be an indication of drifting apart. It may not be the best thing to stay together if you feel like things won’t improve in the future. I mean it you love her and think you can get past the differences then go for it. Why don’t you try and talk to her about some of these issues? Maybe this way you guys can learn to compromise.

MissAnthrope's avatar

Thinking about it, it’s totally possible and workable to not have tons in common and still have a great relationship, be in love, etc. I think it takes more work, though, to bridge that gap.

tiggersmom's avatar

Really you don’t have to have everything in common, but some to more in common is great. No two people are going to have every interest in common with one another. Surely, if you look it the right way, it can add some spice to the relationship. Hope this helps.

maybe_KB's avatar

Stay friends
Must you even ask

Matador151's avatar

I’m in a similar situation where I am a musician and my girlfriend doesn’t have a strong passion for it like do. Granted that’s not how I make a living but i wish I could talk with her about those things. It seems so stupid but at the same time I wish I could share that part of my life with her.

arcoarena's avatar


i know exactly what you mean. I play a bit of music, not as much as I used to but music is such a huge part of my life. probably my passion and she just does not feel the same musical interests I do which is not fun when I want to put on music while we are making dinner or playing a game or anything else. I feel like it shouldnt be a big deal but it’s definitely kind of a drag

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