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blue23blue's avatar

This girl i've known for bout 6 months keeps saying she not ready for a relationship yet what do i do?

Asked by blue23blue (11points) December 26th, 2008

Met this girl bout 2 weeks after she had broken up with her longterm bf and she wasnt ready for a bf so we settle for friendship for the time being. Have now been friends for 6 months she says shes over here ex but still needs time to find out who she is before getting into a relationship. Were moving in with each other in bout a weeks time as friends and just dont no weather im doin the right thing and weather i should still be waiting for her let alone moving in please help!!
p.s. this is the first girl i truely love.
Troble is she says shes wants me as a bf but not at the mo so difficult

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19 Answers

LKidKyle1985's avatar

yikes man. Your moving in with a chick that you like but doesn’t want a relationship with you yet. that has bad news written all over it.
I should add, don’t wait for her, and I wouldn’t even try for anything with her if shes gonna be your roomie.

wildflower's avatar

You’re about to become housemates – as friends…...I wouldn’t hold my breath for a romantic relationship if I were you. If she’s not ready, but you are – you’re better off finding someone who is ready.

cookieman's avatar

If you like her that much and would like to be more than friends, I’m not sure I’d move in with her. The proximity alone could be problematic.

Plus you don’t want to be a rebound guy.

Give her time and space. Be a good friend to her. In the meantime, keep your options open with other women.

blue23blue's avatar

trouble is i cant even look at other women just seems like shes holding back but dont no y

LKidKyle1985's avatar

man your gonna be heart broken when she is ready for a relationship and she doesnt pick you. have you considered that scenario? thats probably reason #1 for not moving in with her.
I am not saying thats 100% for sure going to happen. but its possible.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@blue, I would not move in with her. You’re setting yourself up for heartache.

Depending on how long her relationship was with her boyfriend and how broken hearted she was over the breakup, it is entirely possible for the grieving process to take a year or more. If you end up living with her, she’s going to see you as a brother. You in the meantime are going to be “married” to her. It’s going to be disastrous for you, and heartbreaking, because you will not be able to stay friends.

Jack79's avatar

it’s a dead end unfortunately. We’ve all been there.

First of all, don’t press her, it won’t do you any good. She’ll just go away. And hate you too.

Secondly, even if you do manage to get a relationship out of this, it is certain that it will be a short one, which apparently is not what you want. You might get a one-night-stand, but that’s just about it. The last time this happened to me I managed to hold it together for almost a month, and I think that’s a world record. Right now she’s just looking for someone to get revenge from, some rebound relationship, something non-commital. Regardless of what she’s like, it is 100% certain that the relationship that follows a long-term one is ALWAYS short and insignificant. So is that what you want?

Thirdly, if you really want her you should let her have that short-lived relationship with someone else first, let her get it out of her system but also keep a close eye on her and let her know your feelings. This is very risky, because after that guy she’ll probably just move onto the next one, and there’s no guarantees that it will be you. But at least you have a 1% chance, as opposed to 0% if you do it now. And it will also be more painful than it sounds, if you really love her, to see her with this new guy instead of yourself. Nobody is that strong.

Finally, my suggestion: be her friend. You cannot have this girl. But be her friend, be there for her, be patient if you can. I think it will be the least painful. Maybe over time you’ll realise she’s not for you, or in a couple of years she’ll realise how wonderful you were to her and then give you your chance. It’s the only thing that would really work, and it’s the least painful of the realistic options. I know most people will tell you to forget her, but I also know you won’t.

I feel your pain my friend. Be patient.

cookieman's avatar

@LKidKyle1985: Excellent point.

IchtheosaurusRex's avatar

Move on. Lots of fish in the sea, my friend.

Judi's avatar

We used to tell girls,
“Why buy the Cow if the Milk is free?”
You’re giving her everything she needs in a relationship, (even help with the rent!) without the commitment. What does she need a commitment for if she has all the perks. (Sex is important, but not quite as much so for women as it is for men.)
I would not move in with her, and move on. She will never give you what you want and no matter how wonderful you may be to her you will always be second to the guy that got away. The fact that she has been able to drag you around by your d!@k for so long is probably not making you look like a strong, self sufficient man. If there is a chance at all of a relationship with her then she has to decide it’s worth some investment on her part. Move on, and give her space. She may decide that she can’t live without you, but maybe by then you will have found someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. That’s life.

LKidKyle1985's avatar

Yeah, I would have to agree with what Judi is saying. She is kind of aluding to what a lot of people refer to as alpha male qualities. Your best chance is to be straight up with her and yourself. if you don’t want her as a friend, moving in as a room mate isn’t going to benefit you or her in the long run. I know I have posted 3 times now, but I am really serious about this lol. You need to tell her how it is, and if she doesnt want you, you really need to draw that line. I can’t imagine being friends with someone you love. Been there done that, it doesnt really work.

but back to that alpha male stuff, girls dig it and it makes you appear as a more confident guy if you try to display them. you will get some really nice chicks if you learn to work it :D

augustlan's avatar

While it is not “100% certain that the relationship that follows a long-term one is ALWAYS short and insignificant” as Jack said, it is almost certain. I married the guy I meant to have a casual fling with (my rebound guy), but that kind of outcome is indeed rare. Even if she wasn’t in the ‘getting over a broken heart, getting to know herself’ phase, it would still be a bad idea to move in with her. I gather you’ve made your feelings known and she’s told you she’s not ready (the reasons why don’t matter). All you can do is move on, or further your pain. Which seems more logical?

Mizuki's avatar

How are you going to deal with it when your “friend” brings a guy to the home you share? Most of my female friends that say stuff like, needing to find out who she is, means, “I’m still looking for someone better, or am looking for someone with more money”. Sad but better to know now.

vanelokz's avatar

Chances are that she’s not completely over her ex yet. Depends how long the relationship lasted and how deep her feelings were towards this guy (something only she would know), she may be hiding some feelings from you.
Women usually take a lot longer to gather ourselves and our thoughts and usually our excuse, if you will, is that we need to figure out who we are and what we want.
On the most part, however, that is what we do. We tend to want to be alone the first months and then we start dating casually but never wanting anything serious.

Point is, maybe her knowing that you like her, quite possibly love her, might freak her out a bit. She may not be ready for such a relationship yet.
Chances are that you are still going to move in with her anyway, but you should take into consideration all the advice we’ve given you here. We’re on to something.

scamp's avatar

Wow, I feel bad for you. At this point, it looks like the only relationship you will have with this girl is a friendly one. I think you should find another girl because it looks like nothing good is going to happen with this one. Protect your heart and move on my friend.

blue23blue's avatar

Thanks for all the advise all makes alot of sense. Just wondering i havent got much choice but to move in wit her now any ideas on how to get anything good out of this as a relationship looks off the cards

Jack79's avatar

well you may find that being friends is not all that bad after all. I stayed with a girl once and she was the best flatmate I ever had. There was enough tenderness and intimacy between us to feel like a family, but at the same time we respected each other’s privacy and could have our secrets and be left alone if we so felt. We had this unwritten rule that if a room door was open, the other person could come in and chat if they felt lonely, but if it was closed, we had to pretend as if the person with the closed door didn’t even exist. There were days when we might not even say “hi” (we worked different times, too) and others when we’d spend hours together chatting, watching TV or playing board games.

The important difference though was, that, unlike you, I was not in love with the girl in the first place. I liked her of course (still do) and she’s extremely cute, and we grew very close. But it never became sexual, not even close to sexual. And that was the secret of our success. It really felt as if I was living with my sister.

Oh, and we never met outside our home. Not even once.

blue23blue's avatar

yeh i work nites she works days so proberly like you we mite not see each other some days lol guess i just gotta put my feelings aside and be a gud friend and i guess shell either meet someone else or i will or spose you never no 1 day we mite hit it off in that way. guess time will tell!
Thanks for you help you dont no how much it means cheers

Jack79's avatar

I do know how much it means…please keep us posted, it is a very interesting case :)

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