General Question

panspermia's avatar

Why i can't find the right guy?

Asked by panspermia (308points) December 26th, 2008

I think i have a serious problem..
I am 23 years old girl and i’ve never have a boyfriend before.I am told by my friends that I have really high standards when it comes to dating, and that’s why I never meet anyone. I am not an ugly girl..I just never interested to have a bf to take the relationship seriously thats the reason…Now i care with the result and i am so confused. I am not a conservative person in life and i do flirty things all the time and it works…but the result is never complete..I really wonder what is the problem? What might it would be the reason? I feel guilty thinking about how ugly girl have a bf and i dont….thinking about it makes me more uncomfortable.
On the other hand i really attach importance to study my school subjects and exams..When i feel miserable everybody thinks that the reason why i feel like this might be my subject and try to relieve me. But they dont know the real reason why i feel like such things!! I do care about my love life ,i do care about everything which effects me!!
What can i do? Please dont try to lighten me up! Because it never works..All these years i did think positive but it couldnt help me to get through it and never it will…Please tell me where am i wrong? What is the occasion?…I really need your help because i am disappointed these days..And i cannot find the way out!!!

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38 Answers

90s_kid's avatar

are you asexual?

[edit]: Oh ok.

mea05key's avatar

i can be ur the one

mea05key's avatar

by the way when u say ‘ugly girl’ i feel that is a VERY arrogant statement.

windex's avatar

hey baby, I’m single *wink wink
1st fluther wedding? whaaaa???

anyways, CHEER UP!!!

You don’t find Love, it finds you.

panspermia's avatar

i am not a asexual

wildflower's avatar

At 23 I felt the exact same way! The first guy I took to meet my parents was my now husband who I met when I was 24….
I don’t think there’s a standard or pattern that all should follow. It works out differently for different people. Just do what makes you happy. Your surroundings will respond and if the right guy is out there, he’ll appear – if not, you shouldn’t let your happiness depend on another person anyway :)

loser's avatar

Until then, you could always get a puppy!

krose1223's avatar

I disagree with mea…by the way.
Have you ever met a guy you wanted to date? What kind of standards? 23 is still very young and you have many many years before you need to worry. When you say the results are never complete do you mean you never get a relationship out of it? It’s good to have standards and you should never change that. Just enjoy your flings and soon enough a guy will come along and you will be like “Why was I ever worried?” It’s ok if you don’t want a serious relationship now, enjoy it while you can.

panspermia's avatar

i’ve met guyS i wanted to date…But then i just didnt want to date with them..Maybe its my standards i’ve told you before ..i dont know! There are lots of guys out there i know! but i have a list in my mind and i try to find Mr. Right/Perfect for me..

windex's avatar

oh btw panspermia, do not, and I mean do NOT lower your standards. This is the ONLY thing in my life that I am NOT willing to compromise on.

I rather be single than to be with someone I don’t connect with. You know…since there are SO MANY people who have a gf/bf JUST so they can have a gf/bf.

be strong GORL UHUMMM *snap *snap *snap… ok I guess that didn’t sound macho..hmmm

gorl=girl, diff pronounciation, ummkay

wildflower's avatar

Throw away your list! You have the important list hardcoded in to you anyway (intuition, gut feeling). If you feel like dating a guy and he feels like dating you; go for it! You don’t need a masterplan from the start, see where it goes, enjoy it while it lasts. If you do nothing, you’ll accomplish nothing.

panspermia's avatar

I dont wanna date some guy just to being someone with!! I do not lower my standards…I dont want lots of things…i just want to meet someone and try to make it longlast…

krose1223's avatar

Well then do just that. Pickings are slim but you’ll find someone that works great with you and your standards.

panspermia's avatar

and thats the reason..i cannot find it anywhere….and thats why i am so afraid to be all by myself…

krose1223's avatar

Well you haven’t been everywhere yet. He’s somewhere

wildflower's avatar

No guy is going to present you with a 20 year emotional investment plan when he asks you out on a first date. He doesn’t know what it could lead to any more than you do.
You’re absolutely right to not date fir the sake of dating, but don’t expect a complete solution before you take the first step either.

seekingwolf's avatar

Wildflower is exactly right. You may be expecting too much too soon. (this is NOT the same as your high standards, don’t lower those!)

What you need to do is to give some guys a chance and go out on a few dates. If they don’t meet your standards, well, then dump them. but perhaps you may be surprised…

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

You won’t find the right person right out of the gate; it’s a trial and error process. Sometimes what seems to be the wrong person for some reasons, could be the right person for reasons that really matter. There are no perfect people; all relationships are compromises.

My sister was married and divorced twice before she met her current husband. She dated him because he was someone my mom would have chosen for her. She went out with him to prove to my mom that he was the wrong type. Six years and a baby later, she’s still quite happy.

charliecompany34's avatar

finding the right guy or girl is not that hard. first of all, they will find you. and 2, he or she will not look like what you want.

forget good looks and open your mind to spontaneous combustions in normal every day places like the laundromat, church, etc.

he or she will never look like who you dreamed to be with, but their character is what you focus on.

Jack79's avatar

I think you have already answered your question: you probably just have high standards. You could keep them standards and accept that you may NEVER find the right guy, or that it could take ages, or you could lower your standards a bit and maybe accept someone who is certainly not Mr.Right, but perhaps Mr.Good-enough-for-now.

I have two friends like you. One is 37 and still a virgin. She will probably die one. She seems to be quite content with the situation though, hangs out with friends (of both sexes) but just doesn’t date, has a proper social life, goes out etc, but lives with her mother and several cats.

The other has dated a series of mr.Wrongs in her life, and decided at the age of 39 that she’s going to raise standards and get married. I’m sure the right guy will eventually come along, but unless that happens in the next 24 hours, she will miss any realistic chance of ever becoming a mother (something I know she’d like).

So think about it: stuck with a jerk (or perhaps someone that is not such a big jerk after all)....or being lonely?

ronski's avatar

I’m 24, close to your age, and I know how hard it is growing up in our society, with all the different medias telling us what love, marriage, relationships, and sex are supposed to be like. The fact is, I agree with Charlie, there is no supposed to be. Man, maybe a relationship isn’t even that important. Who knows?

The truth is, that if you want to be in a relationship, you need to be open to opening up with strangers. You need to put yourself in situations you might feel uncomfortable with. If you know what kind of guy you like, hang out at the events that kind of guy might hang out at. It’s hard, and experience is the only way you’re going to figure out what you like and don’t like. If you go on a date and it sucks, well than you don’t have to go on one again! Just put yourself out there and you will meet someone!

PS: The same qualities that you look for in a friend are the same qualities you will want in a mate. I would make a list of the qualities that you enjoy in your friendships, and than compare it to your Mr. right list.

madcapper's avatar

Hey I am the same age and have the same problem! I just don’t get into bitchy ass girls, and if you went to a state school good luck finding anything else, so I have been looking for this sublime girl who I don’t think exists (I will not date a girl that likes country music because instantly we have nothing in common, but in Ohio this is impossible). I am now giving up to fate and in “my fate” I live in the west but don’t meet emo girls (because that music also sucks and is prevalent out west). In the end I wish a very good luck to you pan!

madcapper's avatar

ohh and your one statement about how “ugly girls having bfs makes you sick” makes you sound like a complete bitch-face… scratch that next time you want to meet someone, again good luck.

panspermia's avatar

i may be expecting too soon..i dont know..@madcapper i said ugly girls bla bla and then said that thinking about it makes me uncomfortable…Beauty is NOTIONAL…Actually what i mean is Some girls/boys dont deserve each other..Am i wrong? Tell me is that makes you comfortable?
I have to open up my heart to the strangers…I know one of the reason why i cannot date with some guys is my boy friends(not the meaning of a date) seem me as a friend because i have a great connection between them…i have lots of boy friends but…there is no but!!

wildflower's avatar

I’m going to go ahead and guess that English isn’t your first language, which may be why some of your posts puzzle some of the readers here.
I do think you have a bit of a shallow/superficial attitude towards whom people should be with. Looks are irrelevant to an emotional connection – if people connect, it doesn’t matter what they look like and trying to apply a ‘class-system’ based on appearances is only going to cause you stress because it will not work, people will not follow it – thankfully!
Seems to me, you’re looking for someone who will fit your criteria of an ideal guy and a suitable accompaniment to your public image – AND will catch your romantic interest. Perhaps your weighing the importance between those 3 things wrong – just because someone looks like a good match for you, doesn’t mean they are.
Stop trying so hard to find a picture-perfect relationship and focus on surrounding yourself with people that make you happy – who knows, one of those might just turn out to be your perfect partner.

jazzjeppe's avatar

I have the same problem, but with the ladies. Well, it’s not my problem, it’s theirs to be honest. I mean, for missing out on me…:) Anyhoo, I don’t know how old you are, but I have noticed something about girls “growing up” (i.e. 16–28-ish years old): they like to play alot.

Okay, before you all go “Yeah, and so do men”, let me explain.
I have had the pleasure of being a trusted friend and listener in many discussions. Girls who are in their early 20s and mid 20s tend to feel either a preasure of “playing while I am young” or a need to do it. Sometimes it’s something they can’t even help doing. And girls tend to have a greater need of being sexually…what’s the word…recognized? (yeah, you get what I mean). This also mean that at some point, in a phase in their lives, they enjoy living “on the dangerous side”, meaning they enjoy the flirting, the temporary relationships etc. But when they start wanting a more serious approach to love and relationships, they find themselves a bit trapped in this…this…way of living (?).
Sometimes I think that the approval from the oposite sex is of more importance than that he is a good, decent guy, hence the fact that many women tend to be attracted to “bad guys”. Some might say this is one of the their weakest side: falling in love first, asking questions later.

I hope I havent upset all the ladies here now by making my own philosophical diagnose now :) Just to sum it up:

- In order to find the right guy you must ask yourself what and who he is. Can it actually be that he doesn’t exist? In the search for that lifelong love, I believe one cannot be enough picky. If you have preferences on how the right guy should be like, do you also have preferences on what an “okay, he will do”-guy is? Is it important to find that right guy just now?

There are a lot of things that need to fit in one person in order to be the right one, at least it is for me. Now and then I must stop and, this is important, rethink what I think is the right one for me and start to build from scratch.

Hmm…not sure if my ranting actually contains anything good at all…sorry.

Jack79's avatar

I’d say that was pretty spot on as far as rantings go :)

ronski's avatar

I always have thought that it is the opposite of what you said about ugly girls having boyfriends. I’ve always thought that what makes us all similar and all just as good as one another, and what erases all of these prejudices about looks and class, is that truthfully, anyone can find someone and be loved. Damn, even a junky can find another junky, and that’s really something special. haha

Likeradar's avatar

In your OP you talk about looks, standards, being serious about school, being flirty, and more looks.

Maybe your personality should be focused on more? Maybe you have an amazing personality, maybe you’re funny and giving and a good listener and have lots of interests and volunteer often and like adventure… but those aren’t the things you choose to focus on. Maybe if you did, your luck would change.

stevenb's avatar

I would say you need to try going on dates, not with a set list of expectations, but with an open heart and mind. You may find someone who makes you throw your whole list in the trash. You don’t need to lower you standards, but you may need to re-evaluate them.

I know I had a wish list when I was younger, and when I look back now i find it laughable. My wife is the most wonderful and amazing person I have ever met, and if I had been stuck on my wish list I would never have taken a chance on my instinct to be with her. I am happier than I ever thought possible, and that is the result of not lowering my standards at all, but just trusting my heart and taking a risk.

Good luck.

lakersfuture's avatar

I think that the only way that you will truly find someone is if you stop looking for it… If you look for it then you are blinded by what you are looking for in a perfect person rather then finding who is meant for you… might sound confusing.

beckers's avatar

WAT THE HELL IS A SEXUAL??? I DONT KNO THIS STUFF! (LOL I’m 13!!) just make out with a guy thats wat i do then they follow you around eveywhere and eventually they will ask you out

seekingwolf's avatar


That’s an easy way to get taken advantage of…if guys know that they can get nookie without actually having to be a relationship, why would they bother asking the girl out?

You know the old saying: Why buy the cow when the milk is for free…

Mountjoye's avatar

My daughter (22) is a Nurse (since May) who has been so dedicated & disciplined during 4 yrs @ Univ. that she earned honors, however is at least as inexperienced w/ b-f’s as you. She dated one of her best friends for a few weeks last fall, but learned he was too immature for that relationship. I have always encouraged her to work hard & travel (at least until she is 32+- & after life has introduced some of its tough lessons in reality & involuntary self-change & growth) which she started to do w/ a 2 mth. work term in Honduras (Feb & Mar.) & loved the experience. It’s so much more exciting & fulfilling to master an envigorating, productive life. In fact without it, self-esteem suffers, & folks end up w/ low s-esteem partners by lazy default. High s-esteem ought never mix with low or mid-level others, if happiness & security are important.

At 52, I only know 1 abidingly happy married couple (by my own subjective standards.) All are in “closed ended” relationships & this does not bode well in the longer-term. Relationships are revolutionizing as we speak, away from interdependence toward far more friendship, openness & honesty, & that is finally a tremendous advance for humans globally. I once watched a determined gal on Oprah claim that she “dated” 3500 men for 5 minutes or more, in order to find abiding happiness. Yikes, huh!?

In my fatherly opinion, no gal should be grieving the lack a “permanent-style” relationship until they’ve read the four most important, honest books I’ve ever heard of on the subject:
~“Open Marriage” Nena & George O’Neill (Crucial)
~“The Baby Trap” by Ellen Peck
~“The Story” by Mark Hamilton (free at
~and finally, anything by Dr. Nathaniel Branden on relationships (the ‘father’ of “self-esteem.)

Aside from those, the web is exploding with so much. For a gal to really understand what happens in relationships from a man’s perspective, I’ve learned more from the sublime, refreshing DrLove at than all other sources put together, & I suggest any man go there to finally wipe out all wussy self-pity & confusion ~ & for gals to learn how to manage their lover. (Yes! He does need management from his woman ~ manipulate him toward his own self-interest, & you’ll remain in his dreams!)

Otherwise, it’s important for us not to be creating problems where none exist ~ which I fear you are doing. Allow for your own natural evolution without such untoward pressure from others & society. They are wrong on most everything, & don’t ever forget that!

I suggest to join any of a variety of networks or clubs, where substantial, honest, real, net-productive men, whom you can invest your life & energy in, &feel honor toward, are involved doing something life-lifting & productive. Learn a language, do community service, … . 95% of people spend more energy & consideration choosing a car than their sig-other. Don’t have one of those typical “accidents,” ‘cause there’s no “practice” run in life.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Forget about “finding” the right person. Concentrate on “becoming” the right person. Everything else will fall into place after that.

ramsudarsan's avatar

Now You must have got one ;)... I was jus passing thru and i happened c to ur post… you don’t have high standards at all… My request is don’t ever ask your bf abt that hypothesis (panspermia)!!! ...

Lizabeth's avatar

Maybe you just think a lot about it. Can’t you just stop thinking and have some fun. Then i am sure the right boy for you will appear.

futuredentist7's avatar

I don’t know if you even visit this page anymore, but I’m really interested to know what has happened to you. I have the same problem now and what you explain above is me. Thank you

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