Marriage problems can you help?

Have you tried talking with your partner. A few words can go a long way. Be honest.

edit :: keep the other lady on the down-low.

Marriage counseling might be worth a try…maybe you two just need to re-establish that flame or spark in the relationship again? I also agree with John – honesty is key.

@johnpowell,this will sound like a load of crap but i dare not hurt her feelings.
After all these years of loyalty it would feel like the ultimate betrayal.

You’ll end up hurting her even more in the long run. Trust me, it’s better to be honest with each other now than do nothing. You’ll both just end up very unhappy. Chances are that she feels the relationship has gone stale as well.

You don’t have to tell her about the other lady…

I just thought a little talk about what goes on in the bedroom could help.

Have you only been married once and do you believe in the church wedding and all that that entails? Otherwise, go for it.

I am kind of in the same situation as you except I do not have someone else on the side. I can’t remember the last time we were intimate, not that I haven’t tried. She just isn’t interested any more. But I stop and think what my life would be like without my best friend. No matter how good I think it will be with someone more attentive to my needs I keep reminding myself that the grass is really never greener elsewhere.

Be honest about what you want with her and with yourself. You might just find that the grass is always greener, so to speak. How do you know everything would be so rosy with your female friend once you’re living together? Is she really all that great or do you just want an out? I think you need to separate off what about your feelings is about the marriage and what’s about the new fascination. In any case, talk to your wife. Be honest with her about everything.

Ha, yes, Ronv. The grass is always greener. :^>

Maybe you are right Cindyh, but after 25 years I am not willing to give up for something that is a maybe. I think the grass could be greener in my own yard if I take better/different care of it.

I do not have a sexual relationship with the “bit on the side”.
We think alike we make eachother laugh and it just has that feeling that is lacking in my marriage.
It’s like going through the motions.
I just dare not broach this subject with the wife as it would destroy her.

Thelma and Louise?

I’d suggest marriage counselors and/or a specialized therapist. I just watched “Thelma and Louise” for the first time, your situation just sounded a whole lot like it (minus the kids).

Communication is an essential part of a relationship, try talking to one another and express how you feel, and try and find ways to get the ole zest back.

EDIT: I thought at first you were a woman…So the movie would be in reverse roles to you. I had assumed the wife was posting about a husband. Regardless, Thelma and Louise is a good movie.

@RandomMrdan,i have never seen the film,maybe it could break the ice by putting it on.Thanks

Really hard question and I’m afraid I can’t answer it without knowing you and your wife deeply. I’d just accept it and resign myself to the mundane life, trying to find happiness in watching my children (and hopefully grandchildren) grow. But that’s me. If you’re not happy with your life, you obviously shouldn’t waste it like that. How does your wife feel?

It sounds like in your mind, you’re “already gone”.

@jack The wife seems to have all she requires in life.
No mortgage,no money worries,all seems rosy.
Me?Tears of a clown most of the time.

Not to pry, but are you British?

@steve,i am a chicken and i could not see the pain it would inflict on her.
British?Yes,Why do you ask?

cool handle ‘leeds’ cool album the Who Live at Leeds.
Is this your only marriage and did you go for the whole church wedding and is it sacred to you and/or your wife?

@Ronv: I think you misread me above. I was smiling at the idea that we both thought of the idea of the grass being greener. I wasn’t saying that I thought it was actually greener somewhere else. I wouldn’t throw away 25 years for a maybe either unless there was something much much more broken about the marriage than just thinking it’s stale. Stale can be spiced up and rekindled. Broken can’t.

Even then I think a person has to be clear about whether they’re leaving a marriage that isn’t working or chasing some midlife fantasy.

@cyndyh well put. I couldn’t have said it any better than that. Stale isn’t a good enough reason to walk away from so many good times in our lives. I do think some broken can be fixed as long as both people have the desire to do so.

@steve6,it is my only marriage and we were at school when we met and we have been through the mill together so it is all the more bad.The Who,from Leeds,not so sure about that.I understand the Who released an album called live at Leeds.

Such a complicated thing. I’m going through it, too, although I’m at a different stage than you are, and, of course, the details are different.

I don’t know about you, but I always loved my wife. It was just that a distance gradually grew between us, and both the emotional and physical intimacy gradually withered, although lingering a bit, like the leaves on an oak linger on into winter.

I imagined that since I loved my wife (and we have young children, whom I could not imagine being separated from), maybe I could find a little physical and emotional intimacy on the side to kind of tide me over until things got better, or the kids went off the college, whichever came first.

I ended up have a few online affairs, and a couple of physical meetings for furtive sex. I can’t begin to tell you how sordid some of it was. I, too, believed I had found someone I could not let go of. She, being more sensible than I, and also having kids, was not prepared to make things into a longer lasting relationship.

I know what you are feeling when you say “soulmate.” It is such a powerful thing, and you are linked in every way possible, and it seems like you can’t believe you didn’t find her before.

I ended up telling my wife. For various reasons, I did not want to continue being a liar. I thought she would leave me. She was, obviously, very upset. Stunned. She couldn’t take it in, right then, although we had other problems that made it hard for her to even think about it at the time.

We started going to a therapist. A couples therapist. He told me that it was good I had told her everything. If you want to heal a relationship, he believes, you have to tell. He also said that men think the worst will happen when they tell. Whether they think they are protecting the wife, as you do, or thinking that they will lose everything, as I did, it almost never happens. Instead, it becomes a clear indicator that something must be fixed. While cheating really makes people feel bad, they can come to forgive you, and even trust you again, if you tell them everything and truly work on the relationship.

Soulmates? Frankly, that’s romantic crap. Yeah, it feels great, but that is fueled by the situation: the clandestineness heightens your emotions, and makes it feel so much more important. If you should ever get together and live together, it may well not turn out the way you think it will.

On the other hand, what you’ve built with your wife—are you really willing to part with it? Divorce is hell. Just ask people here. Usually you can build a better relationship after a divorce if it starts after you’ve been divorced. But divorce sucks big time. So most people don’t go through it if they don’t have to.

There is a possibility that you can rebuild your relationship with your wife. If you’re like most men, you actually would prefer to do that, or so it seems to me. You’ll have to tell her, and you’ll need the help of a very good marriage therapist, but it can be done. You can learn to be honest about what you want from your spouse. It’s hard (I’m still not there—not by a long shot), but achievable.

From what you’ve been saying, I think you’d rather repair your marriage than repair from it. You can do that, if you really want to.

I only have one small advice to give. Drop the friend if you want to stay married.

@Ronv: Yes, you’re right. Some broken things can be fixed if both people want to fix it. I’m not sure that’s the case we’re talking about here, though.

I think it’s far more offensive for you to ‘resign yourself to a life of mediocrity’ you might have settled, but she doesn’t have to settle for someone who isn’t in love with her whether or not she knows it.

That’s an incredible disservice.

Saying it would destroy her is rationalization. People are stronger than you think. You need to be honest with her, if she leaves you so be it. You gave her a reason. If she stays, you’ll be lucky and hopefully grateful.

Personally, I don’t think you deserve it. This all sounds incredibly selfish.

Yeah, I think it’s really selfish to assume that everything is rosy for the wife because she has “no mortgage, no money worries” and that she’d just be devastated without husband. He’s so very complex and has all these needs she’s not meeting. But let’s assume she’s living in la-la land simply because she doesn’t have money problems. So, she couldn’t possibly have anything else going on for her? She couldn’t possibly have any other needs besides being in orbit around you on occasion? LOL! Dude, talk to your wife.

I would bet your wife may just be feeling the same way. It takes two to make a marriage work. If someone isn’t trying, the other person knows it. She may feel an incredible amount of relief that YOU broached the subject. And who’s to say SHE doesn’t have someone she found to confide in, as well?

Hi all,can i point out that i am not having an affair with a third party even though i could.
I respect my wife and all that we have been through,however this has all become a habit for us both i feel.
Thing is if she does not feel the same way then why hurt someone if i am prepared to protect her feelings out of loyalty.
I also would have to carry the pain of friends and family and the extended fallout from any sort of split.
I know my wife inside out and she does not deserve this so i guess i will just float along as i have been.Thanks for your input and no doubt some of it will come in use.

@leeds – I am where you are but with two young kids I would die without. A wife who seems to have no need for me in any form. I empathize.

May I ask if it is possible that the success of your soul matching is at the cost of your relationship with your wife. That is to say, if you were not having problems with your wife would you and your soul mate be the pair you are? Would any of that energy, put toward your marriage, assist in its repair?

Or is this something that has been coming on for 16 of the 25 years and now that the kids are older you feel less vulnerable to make a move?

Many people do not support the position I am about to espouse, but here goes.

You are, in fact, cheating on your wife. So, you keep your pants zipped. Marriage is really about intimacy.

You are denying your wife the laughter, sharing and companionship she is entitled to and deserves, and you are getting those things for yourself outside your marriage. Has it occurred to you that you are getting from your marriage what you are putting into it? Nothing.

Staying in a loveless marriage does not make sense. As for not wanting to hurt your wife, who says you aren’t? You are having your cake and eating it too without giving her a choice about whether that is OK with her.

Dumping a marriage without going through the process of seeing if it can be fixed does not make sense either.

Yours has no chance while this other woman is in the picture.

Tell her you have to take a step back from the friendship in order to resolve your existing relationship.

Tell your wife your feelings about the marriage not having meaning for you. Go to marriage counseling. Give it the effort, heart and soul you promised you would when you married her, but that you have been giving to someone else.

If, after honest, hard work, the two of you can’t make a go of it, then dissolve the marriage.

At that point, you are free to engage another person. Until then, you are not.

I have found Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix a great resource.

You go Marina! are you surprised that I support your point of view?

@daloon No, you are a very introspective and thoughtful person. I may have started my answer out a little prickly. It has just been my experience that people tend to rationalize cheating as only being sex.

@Marina: Lurve to you. I agree. It is cheating. I think a lot more people than you might think would support that view.

@Marina: You said it better than me and with more details. GA.

I feel more like i am betraying myself,for my wife nothing in our marriage has changed.
She gets what she wants in all aspects of married life and yes i hide it all very well indeed.
To the outsider all is well and if i keep my mouth shut it will remain so.
I am not happy to go along like this but i will at my expense.

May I ask how you have confirmed that she gets what she wants?

I live with her and i have been married to her for 25 years i think i know her.

Why do you think you know her and she doesn’t know you? Do you really think so little of her?

@leeds It doesn’t sound like you communicate well enough with your wife to know. Perhaps she is getting her needs met elsewhere too (through friends or activities).

It is the 21st century. I think going on like you are is the worst choice you could make. There are a whole continuum of choices between suffering silently in a loveless marriage and throwing out everything.

Until you talk to your wife, you have no idea what she wants. Maybe she is counting the minutes until it is over.

You think you know her—like she knows you??????? A lot of arrogance here. You seem determined to keep all the choices in your control. You are also not being very fair to the “friend.” Because of your inaction, she only has an incomplete relationship too.

Yet she doesn’t know that your not happy, or unsatisfied or emotionally attached to someone else?

I am starting to believe you already knew what you were going to do when you asked the question but were hoping for some sort of support in doing it.

You seem to miss my point.
My wife is very very happy and i do my utmost to make sure she is.
We socialise together and laugh together we love eachother but my love has altered.
Why would wanting to protect the woman you have spent the best part of your life with be arrogant?
What i say is this,if i do not act then she will remain the happy person that she is.
If i act i think it may destroy her.
Regards myself what i have is a “is this it feeling“and i need to move on from it.
The aim of my life is not to pay the mortgage,for some that is more than enough but not for me.

So, as I said, it would seem you asked a question that you already know the answer to.

@leeds: I think you’re missing the point here. You think she’s blissfully ignorant of anything going on with you and that you know her “inside out”. That’s what’s arrogant. You think you can just “know her” and that she doesn’t know you.

I think you’re trying to protect yourself from a rude awakening.

Sigh. If I am missing your point, you are missing mine as well. In a healthy marriage, one partner cannot be “very very happy” if the other partner is unhappy and the first partner is kept in the dark about that.

Her happiness is built on a lie.

It sounds, from the further information you have written about your own feelings, as if you are going through a lot of introspection about your life. While I see the desire to do something is pushing at you, moving in haste to make big changes is not a good idea.

I would now like to revise my suggestion and propose that you go talk to a therapist on your on about what is going for you. It will help you get some clarity so that when you do make moves, they are the right ones.

Too many times, people in your situation rush to change the situation, and then find they are still not happy. It is best to take the time to become really clear on what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, and what you need to do to give your life the meaning you feel is lacking.

Take care.

She knows. Maybe not consciously, but she knows there is something. She might even think it is her fault. But you are patronizing her in the worst way when you make decisions on her behalf. It is dehumanizing for you to do that. You turn her into a child. You are fooling yourself.

You have to deal with the pain and the wounds. It isn’t good for either of you not to. You might believe you are a martyr, but it seems suspiciously like self-protection. She would want to know. Imagine if you die, and your “friend” shows up at the funeral, and she finds out then? Is that what you want? You’d be dead, so it wouldn’t matter to you, but right now you are alive, and while I hate being normative on fluther, really, you should feel a horrible sense that you are responsible for a grave miscarriage of righteousness.

@Marina thanks,the last post has given me a new perspective and i can relate to alot of what you write.
@daloon,i feel no ill as to what i am doing,in fact i was at a loss which is why i posted the question on here.
Maybe just maybe someone had been through this frustrating situation in marriage.

@leeds: Maybe I wasn’t very clear, but I had pretty much every single thought you are having. I didn’t want to hurt my wife, yet I needed what I needed. I was wondering how long I could stick it out. I was writing off the rest of my life. What I’m telling you comes from particularly difficult experiences. Please listen, and, more importantly, believe and act. You do not have to suffer, and neither does your wife. It will, however, be a harrowing journey to get to that point. The end result is not guaranteed, but at least you will know that you did your best to fix things.

@daloon,thankyou very much for pushing me.
I now know i need to address and in which direction to go.

It ain’t that hard to put on a happy face when someone enters the room.
Speaking from experience, you can hide a lot of pain for years and no one would be the wiser. Just because you don’t think she knows does not mean it’s true. And you’re not going to be able to play the loving husband forever without her figuring it out. Talk to your freaking wife preferably after your own extensive therapy.

In the meantime, stop hanging out with your special friend. It’s not honest.

@ leeds – no matter what you do I wish you and your wife the best whatever the turn out

leeds, I just came back to this question after the one about “Revolutionary Road” and you seem to be going through the same thing as Kate Winslet’s character. First of all, could it be possible that your wife may also feel the same thing? She might seem happy to you, but then you seem happy to her too. Maybe she’s pretending for your sake, just like you are for hers. And women are actually better at this than we are. They’ve had whole centuries of practice.

Secondly, even if she is as happy as you think, she may already be onto you. She’s known you for 25 years, she can probably sense something is wrong. The best thing is to tell her the truth.

Marriage is for better or worse. You are obviously going through the worse part at this time. By thinking the other person is your soul mate you are cheating on your wife. You should sit your wife down and tell her about your feelings. If the relationship is strong after 25 years this to shall pass. However if it is not than you both should move on. You may want to seek counseling so you have a mediator involved to let you both work on the issues. Life is too short. You both deserve to be happy. As far as the “soul mate” well she is cheating with a married man. Who is to say she won’t do it again to you.

It looks like you are looking for big changes in the wrong places. No one really wants to spend their life paying the mortgage, but than again, that’s what we do because that’s how we survive. Sometimes people blame their significant other when they feel like they need a change or they are having a hard time communicating their feelings. It’s not fair to keep our feelings inside, because than we aren’t giving anyone a choice. Just to put this out there, I am not very sympathetic towards many men in this situation. If you are feeling empty, it is most likely that leaving your wife probably won’t fulfill this emptiness. I’ve heard plenty of stories about men leaving their wifes, and later coming to regret it. Once you leave her she most likely won’t take you back. So you have to be 100 percent sure!

Like others have pointed out, are you sure your life wouldn’t be mundane even if you get a divorce?

Maybe the key is to be honest about the problems you are having, drop the other woman until you are clear-headed enough to make a sound choice, and think about other changes you can make in your life. Lots of older couples do crazy things, like buy a trailer and drive around the country. Maybe you need something new? Are there other things you hate about your life? Your job? Think about other changes you can make before you leave her. And do you really think you can satisfy this other woman’s needs anyways? Divorce is the worst thing, because it isn’t something you go through, but it is something everyone goes through.

My boyfriend’s Dad left his Mom for the same reasons. He met another woman. There was no cheating involved, but since he felt like he couldn’t fix the problems easily, he divorced her. Him and the other woman are still together, but not surprisingly, he cheats on her with another woman. He gambles. He smokes. There is an emptiness there no one could fulfill except himself.

@Leeds, I’m in the same position as your wife. Only it’s 28.5 years of marriage.