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tennesseejac's avatar

How can you be honest about your fellings toward another person if you are unsure how you feel?

Asked by tennesseejac (3778points) February 18th, 2009

It sucks to say “I dont know”, or worse to hear that sometimes

Ive got a second date this Saturday and I want to be up front with her, but I am kind of wishy washy right now. It feels like there is more pressure in this dating game as I get older because its more common to be thinking about marriage as opposed to when I was in college. I like her ALOT, but there are some things about her that are not the NORM for me.

Is it wrong to date a person if you’re pretty sure you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with them?

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8 Answers

dynamicduo's avatar

If you’re pretty sure you don’t want to spend your life with them, you might as well do both of you the favour and end the relationship now. That way you two can go find people that you know you want to spend your life with.

As you said, dating as you get older does have more pressure. One reason is because as women get older many want to start their families (the almighty biological clock’s tick gets very loud around 32 years of age) and this may put off some guys. There are obviously other reasons too, such as people having different priorities in life (career, family, personal time).

tennesseejac's avatar

@dynamicduo what if they already have kids (lets say 2 kids over the age of 3), and you are not 100% sure because its only the second date?

dynamicduo's avatar

Well, do you want to be a stepfather? If yes, then keep going, have your next date. If on the other hand you hate kids and don’t want them to be anywhere around you, then I would consider her kids to be a dealbreaker and thus end it now.

tennesseejac's avatar

@dynamicduo and this is where my question comes into play…. I dont know exactly how I feel about the kids

SherlockPoems's avatar

Although after only one date, it may be a bit early but if you are concerned about how you feel then I think that’s a great place to start an honest and open conversation tennesseejac… go for it!

As for dating without intention to spend the rest of your life with that person… I think of dating as time to have fun and get to know each other… not necessarily a ‘forever’ thing. Give yourself a break and lighten up, OK?

dynamicduo's avatar

Well, take steps in resolving that question. If you don’t know how you feel, I would say it’s unfair to end the relationship now before you’ve determined how you feel. Maybe ask the woman to arrange an outing with all four of you if she’s comfortable with that. Or do some reflecting by yourself to determine if you want to be a father or not.

elijah's avatar

It’s only the second date. Relax.
I have 2 kids and seperated from my husband about 8 years ago (at the ripe old age of 24) so as a mother who has been in this type of situation, I can tell you there’s no way in hell I would expect someone to know immediately if they wanted to deal with kids. I also would not introduce anyone I was dating to my children until after I knew how I felt about the possible relationship. If they aren’t right for me why bring them into my kids life? Just relax and go on a few dates. If you end up liking her enough to consider being in a relationship with a mother, then meet the kids and see how it goes. This should move a lot slower than a typical relationship.
I would like to add that a lot of men I know said they didn’t really like kids or feel ready for them, but once they ended up spending time with a kid and getting attatched, they say they can’t imagine living without the kid. It doesn’t matter who the biological father is, love is love.

figbash's avatar

I don’t think you can make these kinds of serious decisions by the second date. I mean, if you went into it knowing that you never want a LTR, or a family, that’s a different story – but this is still the exploration phase. You need a little more information. Just chill out, spend time with her, and don’t force this in any one direction. Who knows how she feels about you! She’s probably doing the same kind of assessment. Sure, there’s a little more pressure because these are mature adult relationships, but you don’t have to map out the relationship trajectory by date two!!

I also think it’s still a little too early to start initiating outings with the kids – if this is new and you really don’t know where it’s going, you don’t want to confuse them.

If you feel compelled to share your feelings because she’s sharing hers, just be honest and tell her what you do know; that you enjoy spending time with her, you like her a lot, and that you’re looking forward to getting to know her more.

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