Should you tell a woman if you know her fiancee cheated on her?

Tell her, and explain the situation. His fiancee deserves to know what she has in store for her. And you don’t know the fiancee, so there won’t be the emotional backlash from her directed towards you.

Yeah. Open your life to that drama.

Yes, tell. I wish I had known then what I found out later…

Why do you care if he was single or not? Does it really matter? You still slept with him.
His girlfriend will find out, if she wants to. Even if you told her she would probably blame you, not him. It’s not your job to be the moral crusader all of a sudden.

A big part of me thinks you should tell her, because I’d want to know if my husband slept with someone else. I’d be furious.
I’m not sure how you would even go about that.

You could tell her to ease your conscience. But all that’s going to happen is you’ll be called a liar, a bitch, and a slut.

Most likely.

And in the end, nothing will have changed for you.
Move on.

Chiming in to agree with Blondesjon and Asmonet here. She won’t want to believe you so it won’t do anyone any good plus you’ll be the bad guy. To quote a brilliant fellow jelly, “move on.”

@SuperMouse, But she doesn’t know the fiancee, so who cares if she’s the bad guy and what she’s called? And what about the off-chance that the fiancee is a level-headed person, and chooses to believe the truth? Win-win.

@omfgTALIjustIMDu: Chances are, the fiancee knows. Most of us do. To be confronted with it is unpleasant, and almost never serves a purpose when delivered by a stranger.

@asmonet, That’s why I think she should tell her. It solidifies the knowledge, and forces her to face the facts (whether she chooses to admit it outwardly or not). She’ll rethink a lot of things and perhaps dodge an enormous bullet.

@omfgTALIjustIMDu but what are the chances that she will believe prizmgirl? She’ll probably just figure that since this woman had an affair with her man – who is obviously incredibly desirable – she is only saying this to get the fiancee out of the picture to snag this guy for herself. Asmonet makes a great point as well, she probably already knows what this guy is all about but doesn’t want to admit it to herself. Hearing it from a stranger who slept with him isn’t going to do much good at all.

I would just like to add that cheating is not just cheating. There’s a very real possibility of introducing an STD into the relationship, which I find extremely serious. Please note I am not assuming or insinuating that prizmgirl has an STD, I am simply saying that I find it unacceptable to put one’s SO at risk like that.

1) I would want to know.
2) They are not married and the poor woman needs to know what’s in store for her. Better she know now than down the line when she’s saddled with kids and it’s more complicated to dump his ass.
3) He sounds like a real treat. Ugh.

Right, I can understand saying something if you were a friend, or a family member but a complete stranger walking up to you and laying it out is not going to accomplish anything, as AlenaD pointed out STD’s are a concern and she should get tested. She probably won’t do that for herself without a reason.

If anything, considering the lack of a personal relationship to his fiancee, I would write in a letter and send it and leave it. You won’t be interrupted or hit, you’ll be composed and you’ll be informative. Maybe it isn’t the nicest option, but it gets it done if you really feel you have to.

And I’d seriously debate leaving a return address.
Maybe an e-mail.

@AlenaD in a perfect world she would believe what prizmgirl has to say and dump the jerk, but odds are good that won’t happen. Even if she does believe it she is going to confront the guy who is of course going to deny it. Your point about STD’s is very well taken. I just hope that all involved understand the importance of safe sex and STD testing before becoming intimate with anyone.

@asmonet, Agreed, but it’s also possible that she’ll take it the other way. Who knows what’s in her past? Maybe he’s done this before and people have fessed up and it just takes this one more to make her believe it and do something about it. Why would you give up the opportunity to help someone dodge a bullet? Especially when you receive absolutely no backlash for it?
I like the letter idea.

@omfgTALIjustIMDu: As I said, the letter is the most I would do for personal safety reasons and out of respect for her health and wellbeing. But I really don’t see the chances of her being believed as anything more than slim at best. :(

I doubt this is the first time he has cheated with a random girl. His gf either ignores all the signs, or still hasn’t caught on. Who knows. Unfortunately she is the innocent one who is going to be hurt the worst. I hope she sees it before she marries him, but a phone call from a random chick who claims she had a one night stand with him isn’t going to be the proof she needs.
I guess an email isn’t such a bad idea, but more to ease your own conscience more than anything.

@asmonet, I don’t either, but I see no harm in trying to help her out.

Even if you just plant the seed, that knowledge is there. Maybe it would be a warning, maybe she’d keep an eye out, maybe she wouldn’t believe it at all. Either way, knowledge is power and regardless of what she does with it, she deserves to know.

@omfgTALIjustIMDu: So we’re agreed. letter if anything, yes? :)

If somebody had clued me in, maybe I wouldn’t be living alone in a one-bedroom apartment while paying the mortgage on two houses. The truth hurts. It will come out eventually. The behavior will be repeated. Perhaps that relationship can be ended now, instead of down the road when children are messed up, and at least one of the two is financially screwed. Don’t worry about the person you are trying to help getting mad at you. Tell her, and let her make her own informed decision before more damage is done.

EXACTLY, ru2bz46.

If you feel like you have to say something, I would agree with the letter suggestion. I also support the idea of leaving off the return address. If you do decide to send an email, open an account just for that purpose and send the message from a public computer. If you send a letter make it straightforward without any emotion, just the facts as they happened.

It seems as though the only people saying that she should tell it all out loud and clearly are those who were hurt in the past by similar behaviors. Could it be, you think that now, for the lost years…but back then, really? You would have up and dumped them? I doubt it’s as neat and tidy as you all seem to hope it would have been.

I’m not judging. I can understand wanting to have less baggage or hurt behind you but you’re viewing it from the end of the worst outcome. Not from when you were ‘happy’.

I maintain, most would know what was going on.

@SuperMouse: I meant an e-mail attached to the bottom as a means of contact, something she couldn’t be harassed through – like you said, separate and anonymous. :)

@asmonet Oh! I thought you were suggesting she send an email instead of the letter. It would make sense for her to give an anonymous email address rather than a return address or phone number in case the girl wants to get in touch.

@asmonet Until it is put before you that the SO has cheated, all you have are vague hints, or in my case, she had no concept that she was doing wrong, so there was no guilt to show through. Once I knew about the cheating, we were married, and I was screwed. Maybe a random letter wouldn’t have been the revelation I needed, but as @AlenaD said, at least the seed could have been planted.

I’,\m sitting here wondering what makes this so complicated.

First I ask myself why is this even an issue. Why can’t we sleep with whoever we want? Is it infidelity if it happens befoe marriage? Why does sex with other people threaten us so much?

My second question is why should anyone be afraid of sharing the information? I think we might be afraid of anger and repercussions. We might not be believed, and even if we are, the messenger is often shot. In any case, both members of the couple may come after us in some way. Is that risk worth the potential benefit?

What is the benefit, anyway? Is there any obligation to inform a stranger? I think there is an obligation if you believe they will be hurt without the information.

And what about my reputation? Will it suffer if people find out I’m sleeping around and having one night stands with random strangers? It could happen.

Whose moral responsibility is it? I think the guy should tell her. But maybe their relationship does not require honesty.

If you decide to tell, how should you do it? An anonymous letter is the worst way to do it. If you tell, you have to stand behind your accusation. She needs evidence, not just a poison pen letter. She won’t know what to believe, and will think someone is just jealous and trying to poison her relationship. If you can’t do this straight-forwardly, don’t do it.

If you believe you are truly helping someone, and she is somehow unaware of the character of her fiance, then tell, and tell to her face. You have to be able to look her in the eye on this, or you won’t be believed.

If you can’t do that, don’t tell. You aren’t helping.

If I were to tell, I’d do some research first. I’d try to find a friend of hers I could talk to, to see how much is already known. Then I’d work out an approach. But you are in a precarious position. You’re the one who slept with some guy without knowing him. You’re a loose woman, and as such, your honesty is quite questionable. This is not a judgement. I just think this is what people will think.

Anyway, I can’t offer an opinion. There’s not enough information. Every case is individual. No one size fits all in situations like this. It’s truly hard to know what the right thing is. I wish you luck, and I’m glad I’m not in your position.

@SuperMouse: Yeah, I’d be afraid an e-mail would come off as pretty disingenuous itself, a letter is a bit more sincere. But the e-mail would maintain contact without risking hostile communication or behaviors.

@daloon maybe you should have run that one through Super Gail’s Editing Service. I’m just saying…

@SuperMouse: my fingers are crippled, so I’m typing with less than normal, constantly backspacing tocorrect things, and losing my train of thought. Sorry. Surely there was something of value there?

@daloon:

Why would anyone be afraid of sharing?
Because some people are batshit. Some people snap, they stalk, they hit, they yell, they scream, they freak out. Not everyone is so considerate as to only express general ‘anger.’

What is the benefit?
Possibly saving their health, fertility and future if they have contracted an STD. Considering the nonchalant behavior of the man in question, it seems likely he has done this before.

An anonymous letter is the worst way?
Consider the above. She doesn’t know this woman, is coming into her pretty little life with a sledgehammer and you don’t think distance is favorable?

You want her to do research!?
Do you have any idea how women’s brains function? If I ever found out that a woman had gone to my friends – and trust me, they would tell me – and had been asking about my personal relationships and I didn’t know her? I would be hellbent on finding the bitch and her credibility would never recover, I would dismiss her claims without question. Women define themselves and others through relationships, hierarchies, respect, it’s our way in society as a general rule. Violating all of these makes her look worse and worse.

As for calling this woman ‘loose’ that’s just offensive. That’s an assumption, one that none of us have made. It’s not uncommon to sleep together within the first few days or weeks of knowing each other. I wouldn’t, but it’s a different morality, not necessarily a bad one. You could have phrased that in a more gentle way.

@asmonet, Yes, agreed, letter if anything and I think there should be something.

@asmonet: you think no one will think she’s loose? I’m just saying that I think credibility is crucial, and a letter doesn’t cut it. But, I’m not a woman, so maybe women are more likely to believe nasty rumors about their fiances?

I am aware of public opinions, I disagree with your phrasing which was quickly followed by you saying you weren’t being judgmental. You clearly were.

To expound on what asmonet said, a woman hooking up with a guy she believes is unattached does not automatically make her a loose woman. For the love of Pete, the guy lied to her! So, really, in a sense, the two women are both victims. I realize the fiancee won’t see it that way, but sheesh, the guy made prizmgirl a cheater without her consent.

That happened to me once, and I was really pissed. I would not have slept with the guy had I known he was married.

If I had received an anonymous letter with no return address alleging that my beloved had been unfaithful while we were engaged, I would have thought it was from an old girlfriend who was being a jealous bitch. I would not have been engaged to him if I hadn’t believed he was totally committed. So it would not have changed my plans. Instead I would have rejected the warning. But it would have left me with a nasty, festering doubt that might have done enough harm to poison the relationship—all the while that I was suspecting that’s what the old jealous girlfriend intended.

I am not sure that the best interests of prizmgirl and the best interests of the fiance can be served by the same act. Relieving a feeling of guilt and paying back the deceitful SOB would make her feel better but would probably harm the fiance. Coming out in the open and speaking personally and persuasively to the fiance would put prizmgirl in a risky position. You can’t always find one solution that’s best for everyone.

If prizmgirl were my friend and we talked this through over dinner, I would expect her to reach the conclusion—all by herself and before dessert—that the best thing to do would be to cut off all contact with the guy and leave it alone.

@AlenaD: Exactly, I made out with a guy once who had a girlfriend in Japan, waiting on her big bad American hero to come home. I was fucking livid.

I think I might have stabbed him if we’d done anything more.
Stabbed him right in the face.
Followed by a dick punching.

@daloon, rest assured, there is always something of value in your quips.

I don’t know the fiancee. I have no gain in this. If I told her my friends argue it would be more to prevent her from entering a marriage with someone who knowingly cheated; cheating clearly

doesn’t bother him.

@prizmgirl I think a letter would be a good start, but include contact information (email address). If she wants to verify anything, she has the option of contacting you. Once the shock is over, and the threat of violence is quelled, you can meet or talk on the phone and let her know you have no further interest in him, and that you are just trying to do the right thing. An anonymous letter wouldn’t help her much, but a real person can do a lot. She always has the option of not acting, but at least you can try to help a total stranger. Why would you treat her any different from a friend? She’s still a fellow human…

Telling her could serve to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Maybe she already has an idea he is cheating, and just one more confirmation would make her really believe he is a cad.

What is a good term for someone who fucks someone he or she barely knows, having met them only a few hours before? I think it’s a pretty risky activity, probably spurred on by consumption of substances designed to reduce inhibitions. I think it shows poor judgement. So, if I got information from someone who I believe has poor judgment, I would be very cautious about believing it.

I think more information is better than less information. Information wants to be free. However, the credibility of the source is very important, too. So, if you are not going to be believed, than it is no help to proffer the information.

@daloon: I’d call them a person. Albeit one with a different moral code, but no worse than you or I.

daloon – “Human”?

Secondly, I am having a hard time imagining you calling the slimy feller in this case “loose”.. but that could be my irritation at the sexual double standard that persists.

And using colorful language only highlights your prejudice.

And didn’t I just explain how your ideas shoot her credibility down even if she didn’t have sex with the man?

@daloon, Since she’s engaged to this guy who willingly cheated on her, I’d say she’s got pretty poor judgement too. Don’t judge people you don’t know, it makes you sound like an ass get it? your avatar?

Only read some of the strings but no, I don’t want this guy. I’m OK with one night stands obviously if both people are single, but I’m not OK with cheating on your partner or lying about cheating on your partner.

@asmonet. Don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just trying to think through what people would think and believe in this situation. Frankly, I think their judgmentalism would make me look like the height of neutrality.

@omfgTALIjustIMDu: I agree. A lot of questionable decisions being made by all parties.

@daloon, Actually, I disagree with you. I don’t think @prizmgirl was in the wrong at all since he said he was single. I see nothing wrong with two single people having sex, one-night stand or otherwise, and since she thought that was what was occurring, she’s not to blame at all. In fact, I think @prizmgirl is quite admirable for wanting to tell the fiancee.

If I had been in prizmgirl’s place, I’d had felt scared about the whole encounter after learning the man was a liar and was engaged to someone. I’d be worrying all sorts of things about my health and this type of person having personal information about me. Yes, I’d want to reach out and contact the fiancee about her turd bf but I’d then be afraid of retaliation from both of them. A person who’s brazen enough to lie about their relationship status then show no remorse when confronted with it and then goes on to initiate further contact, scary.

Put yourself first in this case prizmgirl and be safe. If one or both of these people are better known to you or part of your social circle and you have longterm personal feelings or contact invested then I’d back up outing the man. It’s a fine line to seemingly do a favor for the woman or take precaution with your own safety.

@VzzBzz, Hence the anonymous letter (with a separate email address attached).

@omfgTALIjustIMDu Clearly, we disagree.

Let’s not forget that he sent a flirtatous message afterwards, which tells me he would’ve been willing to continue some type of sexual relationship. I do feel sorry for his fiance.

@daloon: I took issue with your phrasing, it was less hypothetical than one would have hoped for, that’s all. It showed your own opinions instead of remaining neutral.

Hell yes tell her. Then it is up to her whether she wants to get mad at you or the guy, but at least you’ll feel better about yourself.

Ruin a relationship, but hey, give yourself a cookie says rooeytoo.

@asmonet What relationship? It’s crap! The POS boyfriend cheats on her.

@asmonet I’m not disagreeing with you that she is still a person regardless of her sexual preference, I just think what @daloon is saying is that she will be judged by her actions. If someone does something good they are labeled a hero, why is it wrong to label her negative actions? We all have no problem labeling him a cheater, yet maybe he just has a different set of morals, right? Like she does . This whole problem wouldn’t exist if she didn’t sleep with him in the first place. I completely agree that different people have different sets of morals, and that’s all good. The problem is that people get all worked up when they are labeled for their behavior. I agree that she is a victim in the fact he lied to her, but if she doesn’t want her actions judged then what right does she have to judge his actions?

Oh, I agree, I really completely understand the idea that she would be judged, I just thought @daloon phrased it in a overly judgmental way, maybe it’s just me, but I prefer my hypothetical assumptions to be unbiased. But nah, I smell what you’re steppin’ in. We good.

@ru2bz46: A crap relationship is still a relationship with emotions involved, reducing it to do it, you’ll feel better is dangerous.

@asmonet Yes, @rooeytoo‘s reduced comment was a bit flippant, but I still agree with the intentions behind it.

@prizmgirl: Have you made a decision? Have we helped at all?

@asmonet & ru2bz46 – my answer wasn’t flip, I would tell her. If he can’t keep his pants zipped through the engagement, he probably wouldn’t during the marriage. Better to find out before kids and shared fortunes are involved. And if she gets mad, I can still look at myself in the mirror.

Are you saying asmonet that you would not want to know if were you being deceived?

@elijahsuicide “The whole problem wouldn’t exist if she didn’t sleep with him in the first place.” I agree if you mean that prizmgirl wouldn’t need to be asking her question; the problem would still exist, of course—his problem, and his problem with his girlfriend. Should Prizmgirl be a passive bystander to their problem, since she now has firsthand knowledge of it, or should she be a “hero?”

It’s been a long thread, and I didn’t catch the post where she claimed she didn’t want her actions judged—I thought that centred around other posters, one of whom used the term “loose.” I think I understand where you’re coming from, if you’re concerned about the difference between a behaviour judgment and a character judgement. “Loose” and “cheater” are both character judgments. “Horny/lonely” and “unfaithful” might more accurately describe the trysting parties’ behaviours.

I disagree, however, that people who do mean, callous, shitty things to other people are just “differently moraled.” They comprehend that there are consequences for other people when they do a mean, callous, shitty thing, and they do not care. Prizmgirl has not harmed anyone except maybe herself (which some people might call an immoral treatment of the self and its dignity), and it’s up to her alone to determine whether she’s been compromised by this event; it is for her to determine whether this event was a “negative action” for her. She never said she didn’t have great sex! But even if she did, it is apples-and-oranges different from a deliberate and repeated, reckless endangerment of another human’s emotional well being (behaviour label: possibly “abusive?”), and possibly their physical health. That’s what has been traditionally termed “evil.” A great label, every bit as Biblically grandiose as “loose.”

I don’t know the answer to prizmgirl’s question. Maybe it’s the bigger evil to let him hang himself with his own coldblooded rope, let his woman find out, and let them both “suffer” the consequences.

Good luck, prizmgirl!

@creatrixe yes the problem would still exist, because if it wasn’t prizmgirl, it would of been some other random stranger he picked up. Prizmgirl is part of the problem because she was naive enough to expect a man she just met to somehow be morally responsible enough to tell the truth. I agree that the man is more wrong, as he is the one who had the responsibility to his fiancé.
I’m not really into the PC act that says people should be able to do what they want sexually. I think a mature person understands sex isn’t a toy, especially now that it can kill you. There are deep repercussions involved in casual sex. This is just my personal opinion, and I don’t expect everyone to share the same views as me. I support personal freedom, even if it means I’m supporting the right of behaving ways I wouldn’t personally behave.
All I’m saying is even though I support the rights of men and women to have casual sex, I don’t personally agree with casual sex. I think it’s gross. I’m sure prizmgirl is a wonderful beautiful girl, and Im not saying because I don’t like her sexual morality that I don’t like her.
Sorry if that’s not PC, that’s just who I am.

@rooeytoo: I haven’t said anything remotely like that. I’m simply advising her as to what she can expect. My own reactions don’t really apply.

@elijahsuicide I’ve got my own anti-PC sentiments, so I’m not surprised to hear you stating similar. People are responsible for their actions, regardless of what they would prefer to believe.

It finally occurs to me that maybe the fiance has reasons for behaving as he does. Is he getting revenge on the fiancee for similar behaviour? Is it a status match, blessed by the parents, dreaded by the children? Or does he have a narcissistic personality disorder? I guess these would guide my decision on whether or not to take revenge, but even with a clear answer, revenge is never easy to condone.

I think maybe the only solution that would relieve prizmgirl of future worries of “did I do the right thing,” is to forgive him. She can’t save the fiance and fiancee not matter what she does. I suggest that the only issue she can really take care of satisfactorily are her own feelings about him.

OK, to put a few questions to rest: yes, safe sex was practiced. And if I said anything – anonymously or otherwise – I’d do so in a way that would make the information credible.

thanks to all of you for your advice. I’m not going to say anything, but try in the future to dig a little more when a guy says he’s single.

My motive for saying something was not revenge. I am not vested in this guy. My overriding thought has been how she and I – and probably numerous other women – have been victim to his lies and deceit that he feels no remorse for. I can only hope for her sake she’s either aware of it and OK with how he is or she figures it out and there’s not too much pain involved, but I am not going to be an instigator to her knowledge.

I’m just going to use it as a learning experience and move on. As an aside, I’ve never put an issue like this out to a forum, and it’s been very interesting and provided many points of view and ideas I hadn’t considered. – signing off

@asmonet – So when you said “Ruin a relationship, but hey, give yourself a cookie says rooeytoo.” What exactly did you mean, it sure sounds as if you are criticizing me for suggesting honesty. I was not giving myself a cookie as you flippantly replied, I simply like to be able to look at myself in the mirror and I believe most would want to know of that sort of treachery in a prospective marriage partner

It was oversimplified, and seemed to be dismissive of the emotions of everyone involved. If you’d explained yourself further, you might have left me with a different impression. That’s all.

People have made really good points here, but I want to share something that happened to me earlier this year. A guy started flirting with me as I was walking on a photo expedition and followed me for 35+ blocks, talking about all sorts of things. He asked for my number, and I reluctantly exchanged mine, and within the next few days, I had a few texts from him, he friended me on facebook, and wanted to make plans. I saw his facebook profile was limited, but a lot of people do that, so I didn’t think about it too much. Before we got a chance to hang out, a girl contacted me, saying she was this guy’s girlfriend. Even though I hadn’t done anything, I felt terrible when I found out. I made sure to let her know everything that had happened, and I made sure to let her know that if I had known she was in the picture, I never would’ve given my number or anything. It’s not exactly the same thing, but, if I were in her situation and some girl had (unknowingly) hooked up with my S.O., I would certainly want to know. Just sayin’.

@asmonet – my point was clearly made, not oversimplified. There was no need to explain myself further. My answer received 2 “Great Answers” so apparently your interpretation of its intent was not universal. Your response of “Ruin a relationship, but hey, give yourself a cookie says rooeytoo” which was directed at me and not the question asked, was rude and inappropriate. I answered the question asked and you chose to attack and ridicule my answer. No worries though, I forgive you.

Chillax, no need to get your panties in a twist. I really could care less.

I said, no worries, I forgive you.

i wouldn’t. the messenger gets shot all too often.
i do, however, recommend you hang around to watch the fireworks.
nothing like live drama

Yes tell her, she should know now so that she won’t be more hurt later.

I actually think it is quite mature and admirable that you had the guts to even tell us about this situation. It is obvious you feel bad about the situation, which also says to me you are a caring person in a crappy situation. How you conduct her sex life is not the issue. Two consenting adults who are single are welcome to do whatever they want. I would be livid too if I found out that my actions may have hurt someone else unintentionally. I would suggest a letter or email too, a way of contacting this woman without leaving your address, phone number, etc. In an ideal situation, she would be thankful for the information and not lash out at you. However, she may also be in denial about her fiancee anyways (which is usually the case), and would get mad or blame you. The backlash would be being called a slut, or whatever by this woman and maybe even people she knows as well. I urge caution in contacting this woman, but your intentions I think are quite kind. I would want to know as well. I actually know two people who become friends this way. My one friend contacted this person and let her know her boyfriend was a two timing jerk, and the two of them confronted the guy and let him have it. They are both still friends :)

Keep your mouth shut. she will find out what she needs to know
when the time is right. You are not the knight in shining armor
that you make yourself out to be.

I would not tell her. It’s HIS job to do that not yours, you were mislead by him. It is not your fault he is a cheater.

I think she has a right to know.

Yes. I have spilled the beans on whoever the cheater has been. Gender does not matter.