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ronski's avatar

What should I do if I'm developing feelings for someone else?

Asked by ronski (737points) April 10th, 2009

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, we are like family by now. For the most part, I enjoy our time together, and we are best friends, but sometimes I feel like he is very self-centered, and the relationship becomes a turn off for me. We broke up for a month about 6 months ago, and he has been much better since than, but I get restless when he goes on tour with his band and doesn’t call me more often.

Anyway, he went on tour with his band for a couple of weeks, and I was home alone, and during this period me and this guy who just started subletting a room in my house hung out a lot. I didn’t think anything of it, until now, when I can’t stop thinking about him and I feel really guilty about the whole situation. This is also after my boyfriend told me he is going on tour for 6 weeks in June!

So, basically, I don’t want to lose my boyfriend who I really cherish, and I don’t really know if I want to be with another person after just being with someone for so long, but if I’m developing feelings like this, I wonder if it’s normal or if I should end it or just wait it out?

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17 Answers

filmfann's avatar

Your boyfriend is on the road touring with a band for 6 weeks, and you’re worried what you’re gonna do?

Lefty_the_space_monkey's avatar

It’s perfectly possible to be attracted to more than one person at a time. I don’t see why that would apply less to love than lust.

Just tough it out? Have some temperance. Just because you like the subletter doesn’t mean anything has to happen.

Horus515's avatar

I don’t care what anyone says. As human beings things are not nearly as flighty and whimsical as we make them out to be, especially with regards to love. Most of that kind of reasoning, or lack thereof, is just another way for us to avoid responsibility for choices that we conciously make. What I am getting at is that if you really cherish your boyfriend, as you say do, then be true to him. You have control over these feelings for another that you have. They aren’t beyond your control. If your relationship with your boyfriend is unsatisfactory to you and you know in your heart that you don’t want to be with him, then end it. Then you can pursue whomever. I think cheating is horrible though, so definitely don’t do that to him.

kevbo's avatar

To me, it sounds like you mainly need an outlet for your feelings. Perhaps you miss or feel deficiency of the excitement or contentment that you’d normally associate with your boyfriend. I would guess that if it wasn’t this new guy, you’d develop a similar attachment to any reasonable guy who spent some time with you.

I’m speculating, but I would guess that if you pursued something with this guy, you’d have your conflict resolved but not really make gains with respect to feeling a whole lot better. Sort of something to pass the time and keep you occupied. If you don’t pursue it, then you get to deal with more of this crazy tension. You could also put a lid on it by changing the circumstances and stuffing things down. Regardless of your choice, it sounds like you’ll still have to work on resolving the gap you are feeling with your current boyfriend.

So my questions would be: a) if this is mostly about meeting your needs, how badly to you need them met? b) can you handle having an affair either above the table (by talking it over with your bf/agreeing to go on a “break”) or clandestinely- also considering your own feelings about “cheating”? c) can this be resolved by focusing on other areas of your life such as your friends or something you enjoy?

You are certainly entitled to having your needs met, but you won’t be as successful with your reasons for having an affair if you will be wracked with guilt. If you feel justified that you are doing the right thing for your well being (whatever your decision), then you can rely honestly on that justification when or if it becomes a discussion with your bf.

GAMBIT's avatar

It seems you are at a time in your life when you have to ask yourself how serious is your relationship. After you understand how you feel about your boyfriend then I think you should find out how your boyfriend feels about you.

ShauneP82's avatar

Well some would say you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am sorry to say, but it sounds like you put yourself there. If you love your bo end the fling. If you are not sure, then it won’t hurt to tell him whats going on.

I know we never want to hurt somebody that is like family, but…BUT he is not family. He is a boyfriend. Which is more than likely what Mr. e man will become if you pursue him.

Finally, if you care for you bf so much and you have been together for four years and you feel like family. Hell darlin you may as well make him family.

Darwin's avatar

If you do want to stick with your boyfriend, then stop developing feelings for this other guy. While it may make you feel good in the short term, it certainly won’t help you stay committed to your guy.

If you really are feeling “out of love” with your boyfriend and want to break up with him, then you can indulge yourself and play with the new guy. Personally, however, I never opt for clandestine affairs. I would definitely talk to your boyfriend about taking a break from each other if that is what you want to do.

However, there may be a third way to go. My brother has been a touring musician for 30 years. Especially during summer tours, his girlfriend, when he had one, and later on his wife, and still later on his kids, would join him for all or part of the tour. It cost him more because he had to cover their lodging and travel expenses but it allowed the family to bond and to see vacation sights they might not otherwise have ever visited.

In fact, at least one band girlfriend or wife (and now that the band is coed, a boyfriend or two) now always goes on tour because she/he handles selling t-shirts and CDs at the gigs.

Any chance you could join your boyfriend for any or all of his tour? You have to remember, that he may always be a musician so if you care about him for the long term you need to figure out how to cope with living with one.

RedPowerLady's avatar

I want to suggest something to you. And it may sound silly. But I think this is a crush. I’ve heard this story many times and typically, nearly always, it is just that.
I will use the word crush often for a poignant reason. I believe it is helpful to think of it this way. Often as adults we forget that crushes exist.

It is very very normal to have crushes. Even intense crushes. But they are typically fleeting. Also I’ve found that most people get these crushes when there are difficulties in the relationship. If I were you I’d wait it out. (nothing bad can come from waiting it out) . Try working on your relationship with your boyfriend, whom by your own words is your family. I think if things improve you will find your feelings and thoughts about this other guy seem to vanish. It is a normal thing to have such misplaced feelings but if you act upon it too rashly you could ruin quite a bit. Often those who pursue such crushes later regret it because the relationship with the crush doesn’t last and they have also ruined their previous relationship leaving them quite alone.

Having said that I think your focus should be on your current relationship. You know there is something behind the idea that commitment is scary. And this may be what your boyfriend is experiencing. Especially if he is in a band and his bandmates are getting lots of girls. It is just something he has to struggle with. He is dealing with how he feels about commitment, thus the self-centeredness. (by the way I often say the same about my hubby). Work on your relationship, talk things through with him, find ways to make it enjoyable and less stressful.

squirbel's avatar

I agree with everyone – stick it out and be true. The feelings you feel are temporary [and temporary can last a long time].

nikipedia's avatar

I think the way you asked this question is very telling. You posed it as a question about developing feelings for someone else, and then the bulk of your real question was about your dissatisfaction with your current relationship. It sounds like this other guy is just a conduit for your unhappiness with your relationship.

Do you want to be with your boyfriend? Is your relationship worth working on?

ronski's avatar

Thanks everyone, these are very insightful answers. It has brought a lot more to my attention than I realized. Yes, it seems I poised a question about having a crush but started talking about all my problems with my boyfriend.

Hence, I’m really confused, and I am hoping this is a stupid fleeting crush. It probably is. So, I will try to focus more on other things. I would definitely never cheat on my boyfriend! I didn’t mean to imply that I would. I care about his friendship and feelings way too much.

@RedPowerLady I think you may be right, it’s just an intense crush, which is a natural thing to have, and an odd thing to have when you’re an adult. haha.

We are young and neither of us have been in any other “serious” relationships, which might be why we both get insecure about the relationship. As for him going on tour, we’ve been doing it for a long time and there really hasn’t been any problems, except maybe I want him to call me more, which at least he did more this last time. But the guys in the band aren’t stereotypical, they all have long-term relationships and appear to be very faithful. We’re all good friends :)

drClaw's avatar

I find the best thing to do with complex feelings is to push them down. Just surprises them and every time they start to peak do something distracting like getting drunk or high. Eventually your soul will die and you wont ever have to worry about this type of thing happening.

Seriously though, I agree with @Lefty_the_space_monkey. If you tough it out and stick to what feels morally right, then you will come out better for it.

RedPowerLady's avatar

@ronski It certainly is odd as an adult, lol. Definitely something to laugh about.
My apologies for implying the band members were stereotypical. It is so nice to hear you are all good friends. I think that things will improve for you. You seem to have a great head on your shoulders and care about your bf quite a bit. That is a fantastic start. I will say that me and hubby had never been in a serious relationship either when we got together. And we managed to figure it all out. Although there were a few (okay a lot more than a few) arguments in there, haha.
It takes a lot of work but it is definitely worth it.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Being in a relationship where one person is away for stretches at a time, and is physically and emotionally unavailable to the other person is really hard for the person holding down the fort at home. It requires a lot of independence, and ability to not have to be as attached to another person as you might ideally like, which can create loneliness, and a void that needs filling.

Maybe the question is, do you have the emotional stamina for a relationship that requires this type of emotionally independent coupleness? Figuring out what it will take to make it work for both of you is key.

Zen's avatar

@all re. @filmfann He wrote: Your boyfriend is on the road touring with a band for 6 weeks, and you’re worried what you’re gonna do?

Classic, classic, classic! Great question times 5 lurve!

Turtle's avatar

I was in a similar situation with my first boyfriend of 4 years who was like family too. From experience I would say best not do anything rash, it’s a crush and ending your current relationship which is still strong to be with the crush isn’t a good idea. Lots of regret comes later and the new crush expectations may not be met.

ronski's avatar

@Turtle Thanks! What happened with you, if I may ask?

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