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Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

If you're married, or have been married, is (was) marriage all you thought it would be?

Asked by Simone_De_Beauvoir (38980points) June 18th, 2009

Did you have unrealistic expectations? Did you not have expectations for what marriage ‘should be’? Were your expectations, if any, met or not? Were they exceeded or was your marriage something else?

The first time I got married, I had no expectations or I can’t remember having expectations…I left him…The second time I got married, my standards were MUCH higher, I had all kinds of expectations – there were surprises after we got married that I thought should not have been there, but we’ve worked through these issues…though my expectations for how we should be remain the same

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31 Answers

syz's avatar

I hated other people’s expectations. The shock and surprise when I had my own interests. The disapproval when I traveled on my own. The assumption that they could advise me to start having children. The utter disbelief when informed that I had no intention of breeding.

AstroChuck's avatar

Absolutely. I really love being married. It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

sap82's avatar

I love being married. I have never been happier. My wife is amazing. I would rather be dead than back out on the dating circuit.

ubersiren's avatar

I have only been married 2.5 years, but it’s been fabulous. I had no idea what marriage would be like, let alone marriage to a man who I barely knew and just married because he knocked me up! We dated for 2 years before that, but I never felt really close to him until we were married. I have been a very lucky woman.

Velvetinenut's avatar

I’m getting a divorce. When I first got married, I didn’t want to have children. I also didn’t expect to be the banker, the maid, waitress and the one who had to take a day’s leave from work to wait for the repairman. My STBX wanted to have a good life but didn’t earn enough to pay for it. Guess who had to pick up the financial slack?

I also despise people who think they have the right to tell you to have children just because they have children and you are married. I reminded them very clearly they have no business whatsoever in my parenthood.

BUT I still do want to get married again.

casheroo's avatar

I always thought that since my husband and I had lived together, paid bills together, had a child together that getting married would just be a legality thing, and that nothing would change.
It is pretty amazing how things did change, even though we’ve only been married less than a year.
I really can’t pinpoint what it is. Maybe it’s the whole legally binded can’t just walk away thing. Things haven’t been easy during our first year of marriage, especially financially. And we have a young child, and we’re young ourselves. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, for both of us.
My only expectations were to have a man that was there for me, for everything. I need a strong support system and I knew when I married my husband that I would get it. Sometimes I feel like my desires and my work is brushed aside, since going to school doesn’t bring in any money, and he brings in money…I feel like what I do is insignificant, even though when I graduate, I’ll be the one supporting the family. But, I know I’[ll still be the one having to do all the parenting, finding the childcare..that sort of thing, because my husband doesn’t seem to think it’s his job to take over that sort of thing even if I were to be the breadwinner (which happened recently.)
Okay, I’m ranting.
My expectations are high. I hope that they can always be met, but I know disappointments happen but we’ll work through them. That’s why we got married, because we love each other and work well together.

phoenyx's avatar

It’s not what I expected and not always easy. However, like @casheroo says, you can’t walk away, you’ve got to work through. That said, even my worst days married are better than my best days single.

tinyfaery's avatar

I love being married, even though it’s not legal and written on a piece of paper. I do not think marriage is for everyone. Hell, I don’t think marriage is a good idea for most people. Monogamy is unnatural and difficult to maintain.

Dorkgirl's avatar

I don’t know what I really expected from marriage, expect what I saw from my parents. My dad treated my mom with respect and put a lot of her needs first. In some ways, she was a bit of a princess. I did not expect to be a princess, but I did expect (hope) that my husband would be kind to me in the same ways that my dad was kind and sweet to my mom.
I’m totally satisfied. We’ve been married for 25 years and I can’t imagine not being together. My husband is sweet to me, show kindness, knows what I like and don’t like. We have a good partnership, and at this point I think that’s the best thing someone can hope for or expect in a long-term relationship.

Bri_L's avatar

It isn’t what I expected.

I hoped to have a partner in fun. Someone who would say “what should we do tonight?” or “Lets just you and I go out.”

Someone who stood by me in the tough times and didn’t ignore and abandon me emotionally.

I sure as hell thought I would have sex more than 3 times in 7 years I can tell you that. How’s that for faithfull.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Bri_L my god! I hope you’re no longer married to that person

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@syz I know what you mean – it’s as if other people get their grasp on you, now that you’re in the ‘club’ of marrieds and miserables as I put it and you MUST have babies even if you’re not ready and do things expectant of marrieds because god forbid you’d do it differently and actually live happily ever after

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@casheroo yes I have learned of your marriage issues, if they are that, through fluther and thanks for always sharing and I hope that your husband grows into a person that pulls his weight, I really do because if he doesn’t, you will leave him and rightfully so

Bri_L's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – I am. I made a commitment. Also, I could never survive without seeing my kids everyday.

Don’t get me wrong. My wife isn’t evil. She is just more like a roommate. We get a long, just not the way I pictured a married couple should.

Jack79's avatar

No, definitely not. Very far from anything I could have ever imagined. The worst bit is that I thought she’d make a good mother no matter what, and that was the exact bit she screwed up the most, and became the reason for our eventual break-up. I could have forgiven anything else. And did.

Actually I was hoping to have something like Bri’s marriage lol (ok, I know it sucks, but having a room-mate is as good as it gets I’m afraid).

casheroo's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Our problem is we both don’t think the other pulls their own weight, and we’re both too stubborn to stop being assholes, sometimes. We’re working on it.

filmfann's avatar

I have been married for 25 years. I had unreasonable expectations, and my wife lived up to them.
Yes, there have been bad times, but I know I have been blessed.

cak's avatar

My first marriage was horrible. I expected my husband to actually want to be a part of my life. Silly me, he didn’t have time for me and then he didn’t have time for our daughter.

Now, I’m married for the second time and it is everything I wanted and more. I love being around my husband, we spend a lot of time together and enjoy each other. We can operate independently – we aren’t dependent on each other. We seem to compliment each other in how we work together. Where I’m weak, he’s strong – you get the idea. This time, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more.

mattbrowne's avatar

Surviving the years when the kids are young is a challenge. Things do get better, though.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Jack79 I sincerely hope that when my marriage is like roommates, I’m out of it

Bri_L's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – maybe it’s a generational thing but I made a commitment to myself and my marriage and my kids. I know it wasn’t always that way. I know people change. And I know they can change.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Bri_L I understand and I wish you well, but I would never do that to myself

Bri_L's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Thank You. Pleased to meet you by the way.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Bri_L oh, of course, thank you, :)

wundayatta's avatar

It’s been pretty much as I expected, except I didn’t expect the sex to drop off so much.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@daloon are you doing something about that?

wundayatta's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir We’ve been working on it. for over a year now. We are making progress.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@daloon that’s wonderful, then, good luck – i recommend impromptu sex on the kitchen floor

wundayatta's avatar

from your mouth to my wife’s ears! ;-)

mzgator's avatar

My marriage is so much more than I ever expected, hoped for or prayed for. I consider myself fortunate to have the opportunity to spend my life with my best friend and love of my life. He is a wonderful husband. I would not want to be single. I love being married. We have been together for 17 years!

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