General Question

mostlyclueless's avatar

What does it mean if a guy you regularly have intercourse with rarely orgasms?

Asked by mostlyclueless (701points) June 21st, 2009

He doesn’t have any problems getting it up and keeping it up, but orgasms occur maybe 20% of the time.

It’s a three-month old relationship, and he’s a normal, healthy guy in his 30s.

I’m reluctant to bring it up with him in case it’s something he’s insecure or sensitive about.

Is he just not attracted to me? Am I doing something wrong? What do you suppose is going on here?

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15 Answers

Likeradar's avatar

Don’t blame yourself!!!
I was in a relationship with a guy who was the same way… he seemed to enjoy gettin’ it on, but just couldn’t finish a lot of the time.
Maybe he needs a specific form of stimulation to orgasm (like his own hand or something).
You shouldn’t worry about talking to him about it of you bring it up in a non-judgmental way. If you’re having sex with him, you should be able to talk about sex with him.

casheroo's avatar

Amazing stamina? Maybe he takes care of himself before the deed, so he last longer, but then can’t finish with you.
Definitely don’t blame yourself. I don’t think he’d be even having sex with you if he wasn’t attracted to you.

mammal's avatar

is the end game that important?

FrankHebusSmith's avatar

I have had this problem with past g/f’s…. It is in no way that you are ugly, unattractive, or not doing something right. It’s kind of like a subconscious thing honestly. Its like our “body” isn’t comfortable with you yet, and as it grows more comfortable, it becomes easier to finish.

Typically in a relationship I have major troubles finishing for the first month or two, and can “hold out” a lot longer early in the relationship. But as time goes by, I find no problems at all finishing eventually, and find my stamina goes down (that part I’m not a fan of).

I wouldn’t worry about it unless he says something. If he’s having a good time, then nothing to worry about. You COULD ask him if it’s a problem, but just be sure to point out that it’s NOT a problem to you, and that you’re just curious/concerned.

(I’ve actually been told by some girls that this would almost be better, because the end part is usually the least favorite…)

TitsMcGhee's avatar

People also naturally have different rates of ejaculation. Just because you don’t see ejaculate doesn’t mean he didn’t orgasm in some way. Especially because you haven’t brought it up with him yet, I would encourage you to have a conversation, perhaps when you’re getting intimate next. Approach it in a manner that is more along the lines of “what would you like me to do for you?” rather than “why can’t you achieve orgasm?”. Discuss what works best for the both of you. I second @westy81585; if he’s having a good time, and he doesn’t seem to have a problem with the way things are happening, and you don’t have a problem with the way things are happening, just keep on doin’ what you do best. Three months is also a great time to be having conversations like this; it’s getting you on the same page as far as communication about your relationship as well as sexual communication. Hopefully, both of you will end up happy!

lillycoyote's avatar

Is he taking Viagra or another similar medication?

Jack79's avatar

I’m a healthy guy in my 30s and I’ve had that with my last 2 gfs for different reasons though.

1) he could simply not be attracted to you that much
2) he could be cheating on you so there’s not much left in there
3) you guys have been doing it so often that there’s not much left in there
4) he has a psychosomatic problem he doesn’t even know about
5) he’s absent-minded
6) he actually enjoys it so much that he doesn’t want it to end, so he keeps himself under control and then just doesn’t know when to let go
7) he fakes it (ok, not really)
8) he loves you so much and he’s a gentleman so he wants you to go first.

Basically, the list could go on and on, but only a woman would stop and think about it, and even go and post a question like this on the internet. If it’s something he’s bothered about, he’ll find a way to solve it. Maybe talk to him about it, though he probably won’t want to talk. It could be anything, but I don’t think it really matters that much.

I could not reach an orgasm with one of my girlfriends because the sex was so amazing that I never wanted it to end. With another I simply wasn’t turned on enough. I liked her and all, but just wasn’t there mentally. But it didn’t affect our relationship in either case.

SirBailey's avatar

Hey! If he’s getting it up and keeping it up, he IS attracted to you.

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

@SirBailey is right, if he wasn’t attracted to you, he couldn’t get it up with a crane. A lot of times that is the way I am, hard enough for intercourse, but no ‘messy’ at the end. I simply lose my woody. It’s not an attraction thing, its’ not a physical thing, it just simply is. My wife was insecure about it for a long time, but I finally convinced her that as long as she gets her four, five, (six, seven or eight orgasms) I’m happy.

There is much more to intercourse than ejaculation, and there is a lot more to sex than simply intercourse. Too many people think porn is normal. Porn stars and porn movies are anything but normal.

I’d be more concerned about whether he wants to cuddle afterwards. There is a good indication of affection, not a tablespoon of ‘white syrup’ dripping down the crack of your ass. :-)

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@evelyns_pet_zebra: 8, huh? Can you give the general male population a few pointers for the benefit of womankind?

AstroChuck's avatar

Has he been taking Paxil by any chance?

timothykinney's avatar

He might need more foreplay. Try giving him a massage before mentioning sex and caress his skin. Tell him things that stroke his ego (but not things that remind him of his responsibilities). Then make love like you normally do.

It’s worth talking about with him, but if he’s sensitive about it he’s likely to evade the issue. But if he knows that you want to make him happy that will mean something to him, although he might not tell you it does. He may not understand what’s going on either.

You might also try watching porn together. But this is pretty hit or miss, depending on the guy and the porn. Good porn for couples is pretty hard to find, in my opinion.

Role playing is also good, but if you haven’t tried it before it could take some time before he’s comfortable with sharing his more secret fantasies…especially if you’ve only been together a short time.

Don’t blame yourself, but don’t blame him either. Maybe coming up with an alternative goal than orgasm would be good. Tantra is good for this. He sounds like it would work really well for him.

Cheers. He’s lucky to have you.

timothykinney's avatar

I almost forgot something.

It may be that he works hard to make sure you are pleased and then finds that he is de-sensitized and can’t orgasm, but would really like to. In this case, you should just take a break for about 5 minutes. Talk a little, or have a glass of something. Then get back into it whenever he feels ready.

He might not realize he is ready after 10 minutes or so, so some stimulation from you can get the ball re-rolling, but keep it light and..umm…moist to start.

You might also try to find some new erogenous zones. A good way to do this is to blindfold him and then start caressing or licking different (even unexpected parts of his bodies) and guaging his reaction (hopefully verbal). There may be places he never knew he liked to be touch (like his shoulder, for example) in a certain way.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

If this bothers you, you gotta talk to him
A previous partner of mine that could not orgasm did discuss it with me, it was in relation to something psychological and we were working through it together

mostlyclueless's avatar

As far as I know he’s not on any medications. But he keeps a lot of things to himself, and we don’t see each other very often, maybe once a week even though we live less than a mile apart. It seems like maybe he’s “just not that into [me]”...right?

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