General Question

red's avatar

How do I tell my friend her husband may be psychotic & sexually deranged?

Asked by red (10points) June 25th, 2009

My friend’s husband helped me pick up a couch with his truck the other day, and made such degrading and violent sexual comments about women it totally shocked me – I was repulsed. He seemed to not have a clue that this was offensive & instead took delight in it & was obviously out of touch with reality. I am terribly concerned about their 6 year old daughter being around this man. How do I tell her this? She HAS to know he’s terribly mentally ill. She has told me she has dreams that something is trying to sexually harm her little girl. Now I know for sure! Any advice?

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22 Answers

Tink's avatar

Whoa thats a huge problem!!
Videotape him or some sort of evidence then show your friend, because if you tell her without any evidence she might not believe you

And welcome to Fluther by the way, ha I beat you @Clair :)

dalepetrie's avatar

I’d need more examples to know if they guy really is a sexual psychopath or if you’re just a prude. I’m not saying one way or the other, I’m not accusing you of anything, I just know that one man’s trash talk is another man’s violent and sexually degrading sociopathic behavior.

btko's avatar

I don’t know about video taping Tink, that sounds a bit much.

If I were in that position I would just tell your friend the phrases her husband said, but not add any of my opinion into it. You don’t want it to be an attack on her husband or she will just get defensive.

Tink's avatar

@btko – Well my mom is videotaping my aunt because of something she did. But yeah it might be too much

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Let’s assume you tell your friend what an awful guy you think her husband is. How well do you see this going over?

You’re right, she does know what he’s like so you likely wouldn’t be telling her anything new.

You may want to consider having a talk with her about your concerns.

If you have proof that a child is in danger you can file a police report.

tyrantxseries's avatar

What comments did he make?

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Before you decide anything, are you positive he wasn’t saying those things just to get a rise out of you? I’ve come across people who think it’s funny to say disturbing things, simply because they think people’s reactions are worth it.

If you think it was genuine, just inform her of what was said and like someone else said, leave your opinion out of it. If you are truly scared, inform child services and make an anonymous police report.

tyrantxseries's avatar

you sound like a troll

“and made such degrading and violent sexual comments about women it totally shocked me”—What did he say? Did he say anything about children?

What basis do you have for the use of your topics “Psychosis, sexual abuse, child molestation”?

“She has told me she has dreams that something is trying to sexually harm her little girl.”
-You are basing your assumptions on her DREAMS?
“Now I know for sure!”- What do you know For Sure
Does he act this way around the child?

I agree with DrasticDreamer (for the most part), He probably said those things just to get a rise out of you so he won’t have help you again his wife most likely made him His delight was how shocked and offended you were he is hoping you won’t want his help again because of the language he uses around you

nayeight's avatar

I think this is pointless until she tells us exactly what he said to her to freak her out.

Clair's avatar

If anyone knows he’s deranged, it’s probably her. I would talk to her about it.
If she didn’t do anything and you were still concerned about their child, I would file a police report.

Jeruba's avatar

Just to help us get the picture, are you male or female? Did he makes these comments to another man or to a woman?

red's avatar

OK here are just a few of the details: He spoke of women as nothing but titties and ass (I hate that expression) He said he could tell when a woman was on her period by the smell of her pheromones. He spoke of a woman who came into his place of business without a bra on and that she should be raped to be taught a lesson. All the while laughing and looking full of rage at the same time. He has been arrested before because of an incident with a daughter from a previous marriage who he is court ordered to stay away from.

DarkScribe's avatar

When you get your medical degree and some clues about life the universe and everything, then by all means make a diagnosis. Until then I suggest that you mind your own business.

On your basis for diagnosis, half the men who are blue collar workers or in the military would be regarded in the same manner. Some men are rough and crude – you have met one of them.

rooeytoo's avatar

I can’t stand that behavior but if your friend married him and lives with him, she is probably already aware of his mentality. It speaks volumes about the self esteem of the woman and unfortunately this attitude becomes “normal” behavior for the child so she will probably grow up thinking that is her worth as well.

I don’t think blue collar or military have the corner on the misogny market. I have met many white collar types who have similar opinions of women, they just express it with prettier words.

There isn’t much you can do except expose your friend to the fact that women do have value inherently. Show her the women who have made a difference in this world and hope that she develops self esteem and self worth.

Supacase's avatar

Sadly, she is probably already aware and chooses to put up with it. I don’t think you are going to tell her anything she doesn’t already know, though she may be embarrassed that he exposed that part of his personality to you.

Darwin's avatar

Personally, I would simply arrange to never be alone around him again. His wife is probably aware of his propensity already, and one can only hope she is keeping an eye on her daughter.

However, if you ever see something that indicates that he is indeed molesting the child, call CPS and report it anonymously. They can investigate and see if there is any basis for your suspicion.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

sounds like a simple case of the dude just being a jackass. a lot of guys are like this.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Because he said a woman should be raped for not wearing a bra, and also because of his prior arrest involving the other child, yes, I would keep an eye on him. He may be nothing more than an asshole, but it’s definitely better safe than sorry. Good luck.

whitenoise's avatar

Two things: – 1

I do not want to judge in any which way on whether this guy is a serious threat. I do strongly resent, however, the implications above that this is normal behavior for blue collar workers, militairy or men in general.

Sure there must be some sub-culture where this is normal, in general though this is very disturbing and definitely not normal. Implying that it is, is worrying in itself and surely insulting to the majority of normal men, blue collar workers and military in particular.

I know of no men in my social circles to ever express themselves the way this friend’s husband did. He seems certainly a jackass and it makes me wonder why your friend wants to stay around him.

whitenoise's avatar

Two things – 2

From personal experience, I think you should find an occasion to discuss with your friend. Quite often people – women in particular – slide into abusive relationships (!not necesarily the case here!) rather than step into them. They get numbified and desensitised over time and gradually accept a negative situation as to be their fate.

People in the peergroup that express their sincere worries and support will help. maybe not the first few times, but in the end it may provide enough self confidence. (My psychologist wife states that a redundancy of seven is often the magic number.)

When you start talking, think of the following:
pick the right time and spot.
start only when you know you have time to finish the entailing discussion
only speak out when you are genuinly concerned.
realize you may be wrong, so stick to facts (as the observed behaviour)

You might also look in your local community for help. In The Netherlands we can contact social services. They have people that help recognize serious situations from false worries and may help you with how to handle the situation or even contact your friend. This may be very intrusive for your friend, so I would not opt for it as a first choice. It would be better though than sincerely worry and just don’t act.

I wish you wisdom and strength. Please update your decision.

DarkScribe's avatar

@whitenoise I do strongly resent, however, the implications above that this is normal behavior for blue collar workers, militairy

You can resent as much as you like, but it is reality. It is not “normal” behaviour but it is certainly more common. That sort of behavior is not at all unusual among those sort of men, although normally it would be confined to other men, never in front of a woman who was not very familiar to them. The person who asked the question has still not disclosed their gender. If he is a male in the company of a less than PC male, then this would not be unusual. Often it means very little other than they are further from polite society than white collar workers.

whitenoise's avatar

In any way, I find it disturbing that many people are so unwilling to talk to friends about these kinds of issues. I have spoken with many women that had been in abusive relationships, during and after they had broken up. Their common theme was “why did nobody tell me about the negative patterns that they observed in my relationship?”

It is very common for abused women to later hear that all their friends around them realized something was wrong but never expressed anything. In an abusive relationship, the victim perceives this silence from ‘people that should know’ often as a signal that (s)he is to just accept the situation (s)he is in.

(!! Again, I don’t know whether this is the case with your friend’s husband in this thread. The only sound judge for that would be your friend, or anyone with a better detailed knowledge of their relationship !!)

?why are whole populations willing to spend billions to have other people go to war in another country to ‘free’ people they have never met, yet there is a widely spread taboo on just talking to friends? Even when there is genuine concern?

@DarkScribe I realize it happens that men have quite unrefined, crude humor, quite often in jest, it is however not normal behavior for most certainly not half the group. In this case something spooked @red. Based on these feelings, one should not start a which hunt, but don’t dismiss @red‘s feeling too easily, either.

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