General Question

The_Inquisitor's avatar

One of my close friends is being annoying but doesn't realize it, how should i tell them?

Asked by The_Inquisitor (3163points) July 10th, 2009

So, there’s this friend i have, and they’re really difficult to hang out with. Not that they’re not fun to hang out with, but just that it’s hard to get them there in the first place. What i’m really annoyed at, is how they don’t ever seem excited for anything we plan or even ‘forget’ to show up. Also they won’t let other people know if they can come or not, we literally have to hunt them down just so they can come and hang out.

ex) once, a couple of us planned out a day where we were supposed to do something, we were all excited about it. We ended up waiting the entire day for that one friend to come. We thought maybe something came up, but then why did they not answer their cell or house phone whenever we tried to call? We were waiting for them to pick up, or return our call, or even call us to say that they couldn’t make it… ..... BUT we got nothing. At the end of the day, we decided to phone that person again to see why they never showed up, and they told us that they forgot…. shows how much they cared..

What this one person does a lot is never really let us know if they are able to make it to a certain hang out. We would have to continue asking them, and the answer would always be “maybe” or “we’ll see”, in the end, i or someone else will have to call them last minute to see if they are coming or not (After multiple tries of calling all day might i add).

What should we do? It is difficult to bring up in conversation how annoyed we are of it since everytime i talk to this person, there is no anger and i would be in a mellow forgiving mood, and not want to ruin the conversation.

Sorry if that was confusing to read, I’m not sure how else to reword it. But please give comments!. :p

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17 Answers

Tink's avatar

Well if you dot invite that person they might get hurt, and when you do and know they won’t attend tell them something like ”[insert place here], come if you wanna come but even though you never do the invitation is still there”— that might give them a clue

The_Inquisitor's avatar

@Tink, a lot of us already ask that person that way, i guess they’re thick headed, cuz they never got it.

Tink's avatar

@curiouscat Is that person like someones best friend, because if it is maybe they should tell them

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Would you be more annoyed if your friend committed to hanging out with all of you, but then didn’t show up in the end because they weren’t really sure in the first place if they wanted to go or not? That would be even worse, in my opinion. At least this way, they’re not actually backing out of something they said they’d do.

Some people are simply not as social as others. Does it mean they don’t value the friendship that they have with you and your other friends? Not at all – they just need more alone time than the rest of you.

But because you are a friend and you do value their company – that’s all you have to say when it comes down to it. Let them know, “Hey, I really like your company and it would be awesome if you wanted to hang out a little more.” Let them know that if they don’t want to hang out as much as everyone else, that it would still be great if they let you know when they do want to hang out, that way you can know what’s going on. This is the kind of situation where you can’t just hint at whatever you’re trying to say – you need to say it outright.

The_Inquisitor's avatar

@Tink, i’m one of that person’s best friend, I don’t know how to tell them. :(

@DrasticDreamer, I’m sure my friend likes to hang out with us, we’re like the three musketeers, and then the rest are just friends. lol. I guess being frank will have to do.

augustlan's avatar

Some people are just that way. They don’t like to commit, maybe because they’re not sure how they’ll feel about going when the time actually comes. My best friend and I are both like that, so getting us together sometimes takes an act of God or something… but we accept it about each other. Just offer your invitations, and leave it at that. Don’t expect them to show up, and if they do, consider it a bonus!

Occasionally, my friend or I will ‘bully’ (in a friendly way) the other when it’s been too long between visits. Or just show up at the other’s house.

whatthefluther's avatar

You know how the guy operates, so work with that and don’t let him leave you hung out to dry, anymore. Tell him you are going to meet the guys at a certain time and that you’ll be hanging around a particular place for an hour but aren’t certain where you will be going from there. Tell him you would like him to join you and if he would like to do so, he can catch you at that first location until a certain time or if that doesn’t work for him to call one of your cellphones. Then don’t give it another thought and go out and have fun. He knows the “rules” and how to join in if he wishes. If he chooses not to or forgets, it’s his tough luck. See ya… (my initials)

shrubbery's avatar

I have a friend a little bit like this, thought not quite as drastic.
So like what DrasticDreamer and whatthefluther said, just tell them that you really like hanging out and when you do organise things tell them where and when you’re meeting. After that, just tell them to contact you when they feel like hanging out. You can’t do much more than that. You’ve obviously tried hard to spend time with them, but I think that if they’re not making any effort to spend time with you then it’s potentially not worth it. If you’re upset about it enough to ask Fluther, there’s a problem. I know you say you don’t want to get angry with them, but maybe you need to. Maybe you need to say “Look I’ve really been trying to hang out with you, I really like being friends with you but it’s really hard when it seems like you’re not making an effort.”
If they’re really your friend, they’ll heed what you say.

MacBean's avatar

Make plans. Set a time and place. If the person doesn’t show up, go without them.

Also, you might consider trying to make sure there’s not something deeper going on. I do a lot of the things you’ve described, and it began when my depression got worse and I started developing social anxiety issues.

tiffyandthewall's avatar

i’ve got a friend like that. i hate when people are consistently flaky about plans.
just don’t let them get you down. tell them you’re going somewhere at a certain time. if they’re not there, or haven’t called to say they’ll be a few minutes late, leave without them. it is possible that your friend might have some sort of deeper problem though, as i’ve seen mentioned above. so don’t automatically jump to conclusions; see if the person is okay, and don’t react aggressively to their lack of ability to make/keep plans, incase there is an actual problem there.

one of my closest friends leaves me and my other friends hanging until the last possible minute. sometimes she says she’ll go, then tells me the night before she’s not going. unfortunately, she does this with things that i’m not going to be able to go to without her, so it sucks to have to depend on someone like that. i can completely empathize with your situation.

cyndyh's avatar

What wtf said. Exactly.

The problem for you is really more your expectations than the person’s behavior. Invite them, but don’t expect them. Don’t wait on them. Then you won’t get upset.

JLeslie's avatar

I would do one of 2 things:

1) Explain to the friend that her actions imply to me that she really does not want to attend these get togethers and that she should not feel obligated to say yes, and if she prefers I will not invite her anymore so she doesn’t feel on-the-spot.

2) I would stop inviting that friend. If they ever ask, “I didn’t know you guys got together yesterday?” or “why don’t you invite me anymore?” I would tell them why.

I generally lean more towards being direct, which would be number 1. Number 2 is a little passive aggressive I think, but it would depend on the personality of the other person.

I have a relative on my husband’s side like this, and I finally came to the conclusion she really doesn’t want to spend time with me (she is like this with a lot of people). Won’t commit to anything, never really wants to make plans, UNLESS you are her favorite person at the time. If my assumptions are wrong and she does want to spend time with me, then she has a fucked up way of showing it that does not make me feel good and puts me out, so then I don’t know why I should want to be with her?

jca's avatar

i would tell the friend whenever and where ever you are going to hang, and leave it at that. don’t make plans around the friend, don’t include the friend, if she shows up she’s welcome, if she does not, nobody will be disappointed because nobody expected her anyway. that way, nobody else will be inconvenienced from having waited around all day for nothing. with cell phones, i don’t see why you all would wait anyway, just go on with the hanging out and anybody who’s looking for you can call , find out where you are and join where ever you are.

irocktheworld's avatar

I would probally talk to the friend and talk about how she has been missing out and never returning those phone calls and i agree with wtf, dont expect them but invite them. I hope everything works out :)

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Don’t give this one person so much permission to control the activities or behavior of the group. Invite them but if they don’t come on time or pick up the phone, go without them.

Darwin's avatar

Invite them but don’t wait for them. After all, if they know your cell phone number they can always call and find out where you are.

Or just stop inviting them and go one with your life.

snowberry's avatar

From now on, go to their house and pick them up. If they aren’t ready when you get there, you are not left hanging, you just continue on with your plans. And don’t plan anything where it’s going to be just you two together. Have another friend along in case the first one flakes out. Problem solved, nobody’s mad, and you still get to have your outing.

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