General Question

kibaxcheza's avatar

How do I help myself?

Asked by kibaxcheza (1091points) August 3rd, 2009

I’m a passive aggressive 20 year old alcoholic. ( if you need to brush up on it). I live to destroy myself and others, and I have a cruel tendency to try and hold on to parts of the past that i can never reclaim. I hate the way I look and how lazy I’ve become, but i have to motivation to change. I’m not going into therapy, I’m not taking pills, and I’m not going to go to some self help seminar; so you can just go ahead an throw those ideas away. I just dont wanna be angry anymore, and be able to be at peace with myself. Any suggestions?

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44 Answers

augustlan's avatar

What is the resistance to outside help all about?

Judi's avatar

Sounds like you want to be miserable if you don’t want to do what you need to do. At least you’ve done the first step. Admit you have a problem. Here is the only way I know that works.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to
carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our
Copyright  A.A. World Services, Inc.

kibaxcheza's avatar

1) anger managment was a wast of about $600 to get me no where
2) logged events like that can lead to not passing security clearances later in life, and thats kinda necessary for me….

kyle94481's avatar

Go up into the mountains for a week where it isn’t crowded and where it’s peaceful. Stay for a week in nature. Gradually wean off alchohol.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

You’re going to need some help if you’re going to recover from alcoholism.
People rarely succeed on willpower alone. You’ve got to commit to changes in how you live.

kibaxcheza's avatar

killed cigs cold turkey after 3 years when i was in 10th grade. Im sure if i can muster the will power, it will be enough. It’s just finding a way to get it together….

and im very nonreligious…. thanks for the effort, but no, i dont have time to talk about my salvation through jesus christ.

Judi's avatar

@kibaxcheza ; It doesn’t need to be Jesus. Some people start with a light bulb.
And do you really have time NOT to do something?

styfle's avatar

You need to talk to a close friend…someone that can keep you accountable. I know you want to do it yourself, but most of the time you can’t. Sorry to hear you’re nonreligous, but church is free and there are plenty of people there to help you through this.

augustlan's avatar

I didn’t have the same issues you have, but others just as bad. Therapy helped me tremendously. I really think you should give it a shot.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

No one is saying go find Jesus. Ok, I’m not saying it. What you’re going to have to do is address the reasons you drink.

Judi's avatar

AA is anonymous. Not logged.

kibaxcheza's avatar

@Judi Dont get me wrong. I personally know Mrs. Hiebel (sp). Her husband was friends with my Grandfather when he was in the Navy…... Its just not my thing

kyle94481's avatar

I also think that working out could help rid your mind of anger and give you adrenaline rushes to get you ready for whatever task ahead of you. Always clears up my head

drdoombot's avatar

I’m sorry, but when you insist on not going to therapy, taking pills or self-help seminars, I’m find it hard to believe that you actually desire change in your life.

That type of refusal up front shows that you are only willing to commit to change on your terms, and for real, long-lasting change, you need to break out of the reasoning and habits that got you into trouble in the first place. This is a problem that comes up for people dealing with anxiety and depression: they don’t want to change, even though it is their old way of life that made them miserable.

Why do you think that doing the same thing will yield different results? To change the outcome, you have to change the method of getting there.

kibaxcheza's avatar

@drdoombot dude “Fear of dependency” right there in wiki….. good catch. Not to mention I find that doing things yourself builds much more character and strength then asking others to solve your problems for you, or hold your hand through the storm.

as for the last question… Kinda looking for the motivation to get that train moving. Its not that the last time didnt work. It’s that I havnt gotten around to doing that same thing that worked last time.

Yall are gonna think im an ass hole, but this is simply a lack of attention to detail. All of why thats not relevant is right in front of you… you just refused to look at it

YARNLADY's avatar

Stop saying “I’m not going to do this” “I’m not going to do that” and just do what needs to be done and be done with it.

kibaxcheza's avatar

and another tragic case of failure to read what has already been written

“What is the resistance to outside help all about?”
“anger managment was a wast of about $600 to get me no where”

“You’re going to need some help if you’re going to recover from alcoholism.
People rarely succeed on willpower alone.”
“Im sure if i can muster the will power, it will be enough. It’s just finding a way to get it together….” ” ‘Fear of dependency’ ... I find that doing things yourself builds much more character and strength then asking others to solve your problems for you.”

I thought when you hit 20 all that misunderstood teen stuff went away.

This was a mistake, imma stop following now. Sorry to waste your time, but at the same token, thank you for wasting your time on me.

drdoombot's avatar

@kbixcheza I think you misunderstand what therapy is for. Nobody is doing the work for you; they just help you figure out how to get better. You don’t expect to just know how to fix a car engine, do you? You need to learn how to do it. Therapy is education on how to fix yourself.

And speaking as a person who went through therapy and continues to try to improve himself every single day, there is nothing easy about it. No one solved my problems and no one held my hand. I had to and still do the hard work by myself.

Zendo's avatar

You can succeed on willpower alone, if you put your mind to it.

kibaxcheza's avatar

@drdoombot “Seek enlightenment through the path of the holy monk and look to bodah for all of life’s answers”
(dont need someone with a sociology degree to tell me why im messed up, i already know that. Plus im half way to their degree 1 year into collage)

@Zendo mind over matter. I have an iron will, i just need the motivation to put it to use

Zendo's avatar

I hope you’re not like me. I need to be at the brink of a near-death experience to get me to change my bad habits…But once on that brink I almost always change what brought me there.

drdoombot's avatar

@kbixcheza I majored in English Literature with a focus on Shakespeare. :-\

kibaxcheza's avatar

@Zendo only time that happened was after the 2nd time i was almost killed doing stuff i shouldnt have been doing in the first place. luckily i wasnt a user….

@drdoombot ok? whats that have to do with anything sweet heart?

drdoombot's avatar

@kbixcheza You quoted some awful buddhist saying or something and claimed I have a sociology degree. I don’t.

kibaxcheza's avatar

@ drboombox Not even close. your therapists will generally have a sociology and psychology degree homie. you were close though.

PapaLeo's avatar

My suggestion: Begin a physical exercise routine.

I know this sounds simplistic, but it is a solution. It works for me in dealing with depression, alcohol abuse and low self esteem. It might work for you as well.

Dog's avatar

There once was a man who lived in a swamp. Each day he immursed himself in the leech- filled water and shivered. Sometimes a canoe would go by and offered a lift but the man replied that, though he was cold and miserable, he had the willpower to change and he sent the help away.

Over time the abuse he put his body through took it’s toll. The man looked at his body in disgust and became angry about living in the leech water.

The next boat that came along the man shouted ” tell me how to motivate myself to leave this agony!”

The boat paddled close and the people on board offered him passage, imploring the suffering man to seek shelter in the boat and offering a number of different ways to board the boat.

The man grew angry again and told them he did not want any help- that he could help himself and he only wanted them to tell him how he could make himself change.

After a while the boats steered clear of the angry leech-covered man who shivered alone in the swamp.

After some time the man, weary of the anger and self-abuse, decided to take one tiny step out of the water.
The next day he took two steps and so on until he reached dry land.

It started with one small step.

—Please do not take your anger out on those you called out to for answers.

You and you alone have, and always have had, the power to take control of your future and be the commander of your destiny.

The only question is when will you take that first step?

derekpaperscissors's avatar

Be emo…or a hipster. Or graduate into ataraxia.
Honestly, I don’t have an answer for you…and am just as curious to the answers the others are providing.
But I am drinking again tonight, I’ll raise my glass for you.

rooeytoo's avatar

If you are a serious drunk, going cold turkey can kill you. It is never a good idea to go it on your own. The DT’s, withdrawal, it’s all heavy stuff for bodies addicted to alcohol.

When I feel as you describe, I go to aa, and acoa meetings, lots of them, as many as I can find. You know what they say at the end of the meeting, “It works if you work it.” And that’s the truth for me, but I have to work pretty damned hard at it and after almost 20 years, I still have to work it on a daily basis.

It’s your call.

dynamicduo's avatar

You should go get therapy if you want help.

You can’t help yourself at this time and with the tools you currently have. That should be obvious, you destroy yourself, how is that helping!! But therapists really can help you dig deep into why you destroy yourself and how you can choose to not do so.

Please go see one as soon as possible.

nebule's avatar

the time will come when you want and know what to do…
well…that’s my excuse anyway

Quagmire's avatar

You have deliberately painted yourself in a corner by rejecting the things you need to help yourself. Your details clearly tell me you want to continue to hurt yourself and others. Then there is NO cure for you. Eventually someone is going to retaliate for the hurt you give them. Oh well. More power to them. Why should ANYONE allow you to destroy them?

Judi's avatar

When you are finally desperate enough you will quit, if you survive. Everyone quits drinking….. Eventually.

gailcalled's avatar

“I’m not going into therapy, I’m not taking pills, and I’m not going to go to some self-help seminar; so you can just go ahead an throw those ideas away. I just dont wanna be angry anymore, and be able to be at peace with myself. Any suggestions?”

You have just belittled the traditional ways that millions have found relief and help. What would you have us say?

Wonderful as exercise is, you can’t do it twenty-four hours a day. If willpower worked, there would be no psychiatrist, psychologists, social workers, and support groups used by millions of people daily. Never mind the assistance that small doses of anti-depressants provide.

@Quagmire summed it up; “You have deliberately painted yourself in a corner.”

I’ll wave my magic wand, but don’t expect too much.

Response moderated
nebule's avatar

daloon as much as I respect you..I personally don’t think that’s very helpful

cak's avatar

What in the world are you so afraid of…what triggered this? Do you have a family history of alcoholism or are you a first generation alcoholic? When did you start building these walls to keep yourself so closed off from everyone?

Wherever you got the idea that turning 20 meant this misunderstood stuff goes away…wow. Way off target on that one. If you don’t start working on those things – they just get bigger and bigger – they don’t disappear.

You refuse help, so I’m really not sure what you can do to help yourself. Anything suggested, you turn down or tell the person that their idea isn’t any good.

I gotta ask – the anger – is there any history of mental illness in your family?

You want to really help yourself? Then stop denying yourself treatment. Anger might not really be the issue. Fear is more likely the issue.

Since you are going to say that therapy isn’t an option, fine. But this will only continue, not go away -so for now, get off your butt and do productive things. Exercise, change your diet and volunteer. Good see how the world treats others, sometimes it puts things into perspective. I’m sure, though, you will find a reason why this won’t apply to you. That’s the fear kicking in. That’s what you need help working on, the fear.

If there was a magic answer, don’t you think this world would be a happier place? By not allowing yourself the treatment you need, you are fighting a very hard battle.

Start tracking when you drink more, when you are more angry, when you feel more cruel. What is going on during those times? Look for patterns in your behavior.

tinyfaery's avatar

Since you have so many stipulations as to what you will do to stop, I can only think that you really don’t want our help.

If you can go cold turkey and never start again, then why are you here asking for advice?

cyn's avatar

Agreed with @The_Compassionate_Heretic and @Zendo about the willpower.
If you don’t want any help with your drunk issues…you have to commit to willpower!

wundayatta's avatar

@lynneblundell I did it that way because I thought he might find it helpful. His posts are pretty much in your face, so I thought that maybe that’s what he wanted in return. Frankly, I think my comment offended other people much much more than it offended him. I suspect that people were offended on his behalf.

I do think he has a terrible opinion of himself, and that he might believe he is… well, what I said. I do think he is deliberately saying nothing works, just so that people will try things that he can knock down.

And, in truth, I do think my advice about mindfulness would help him. I just stated it in an “in your face” way, the same as his comments. I believe in treating people as they treat me. I don’t want them walking all over me.

I suspect he would have gotten more from my comment than anyone else’s because of the way I framed things. I’m sorry it got moderated, but I’m not surprised that it did. I don’t know if he saw it, but I’d be interested to find out if he found it offensive or not. My guess is that he didn’t. Or wouldn’t. Believe me. I never would have written it that way if I thought he would take offense. Like I say, I think people got offended on his behalf, and that’s why it was removed. If it was up to him, I don’t think it would have been removed.

wundayatta's avatar

[This is my original post, stripped of the aggressive tone. It’s not nearly as effective, because I don’t think @kibaxcheza wants kindness. Perhaps 20% of the impact will get through.]

If you have such great willpower, perhaps you could apply it to giving yourself motivation to do whatever you want to do? I think you’re [deliberately] misleading yourself. I think you probably already know that. Right? You may be sarcastic and know-it-all, but that’s all about how you feel about yourself.

You want to like yourself? You want to care about yourself? You can’t will it. You can’t control your thoughts. All you can do is ignore them. Distance yourself from them. You are thinking that you can’t do anything to help yourself? Ignore it. It seems like you really don’t care about yourself. So why should you care about what your thoughts are? Ignore them, and do what you really want to. [That’s my trick, anyway. It’s my version of mindfulness. I was doing pretty much the same thing you are, back when I was sick.]

It’s looks to me like you don’t think much of yourself. I believe you’ll find a way for every suggestion to not work, so I’m not going to give you any fake encouragement. I don’t think it will help you a bit. You seem to not want any help you don’t give yourself. I think you should give up your push back, and help yourself. Easier said than done, I know. However, you have the capability to do it, unless, of course, you want to stay the way you are. However, if you do want to remain a drunk, I don’t think it’s very nice to whine about it to fluther.

avvooooooo's avatar

If you don’t want to do anything, there’s nothing you’re going to do and nothing is going to happen. In order to get something done, you have to work at it. Part of working at it is doing the things to help yourself, some of which are listed in your “not gonna” list.

If you’re overweight and are sitting on the couch eating twinkies and saying that you’re not going to diet, you’re not going to exercise, you’re not going to join Weight Watchers to find out how to eat better and monitor so you can make a change… Nothing is going to change. Just like with you.

Therapy is not about people telling you what to do, its about working through your options to find something that works for you. If you did go and ended up with a therapist who wasn’t doing their job (some of them are bossy assholes who like to try to tell people what to do despite their training), you could find another one. From what I’ve seen of you, I think you would benefit from therapy.

BTW, therapists are NOT simply people with “sociology degree(s).” Master’s level training is required. I know this for a fact. With your education you are nowhere near where a therapist is with theirs, to imply that your one year of sociology is anything near the level that a therapist has achieved is stupid and way off the mark.

Get off your ass and do something if you want anything to change.

ItsAHabit's avatar

This home study program can help you develop self-understanding and gain control of both your emotions and your life. It really works.

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