How do I talk about moving in together with my boyfriend, whose comfortable living with parents?

Jesus thats long X_x

My apologies!!!

Sounds like you have already tried to talk to him about it and the answer is no.
Unless you’re ready to foot the bill for an apartment you really have no ground to stand on.

Relationships are about communication and compromise. It’s about bending and acquiescing, like trees being flexible in the wind.

If you can explain to him the reasoning (privacy, etc) and the reasonableness and what-not, and he has nothing to say beyond “no”, with no explanation, then yeah, that’s a deal-breaker.

Conversely, if there are plenty of reasons either way, and you refuse to respect his reasoning, then that’s another deal-breaker.

we haven’t talked MUCH about it. I brought it up once or twice, and each time he shot me down with some lame excuse. I want to have a REAL talk about it with him but I dont know how to respond to his shot downs :/

and btw, his NOs are not exactly GOOD ones. His excuse as to not move in together, I feel, are not as good as the ones TO move in.

Maybe he needs to grow up a little more before the two of you get so serious. it sounds like he is not ready for such grown up things, and wants tp remain in his parents home with little responsibility. I think you may want to re-think your relationship in general. If he is not ready to take on adult life just yet, what will he do if you become pregnant?

I think he sounds like the type who wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think you might want to consider slowing things down with him until you decide exactly what you want to do about this.

Don’t continue playing house with this guy. As long as he is getting what he wants from you, he will not see any reason to change anything. I think you should talk to him at length about what you both want, and where things are heading. If he is not ready to make adult decisions, he should not be having adult relations.

You sound like you are not happy with things the way they are now, so you definitely need to have “the talk.”

Wow, I have no advice for you, but plenty for this kids parents.

@cuteasabutton Welcome to fluther. Lurve.

interesting scamp, I will consider your words….

But um, what do you exactly mean by kid filmfann??

If he is spending his money on food and games only, then that will not change if you move in together. He is clearly not mature enough yet to leave his parents home, although I think they are at fault for not making him help with bills. This would have taught him how to manage money and the worth of money.

@chyna good point!

@cuteasabutton – Anyone who is still living at home with Mom and Dad and spending all their money on food and games is a kid, not a man.

So where do you live? Do you have your own place? If not, why not? You need to get your own place, even if it is just a single room with bathroom and kitchen privileges. Then you will have a place to go so he won’t consider you a utility like water and electricity, something that is there whenever he wants.

Your bf is living with his parents. I am refering to him.

@Darwin she says in the question: When I ask him to come over my place, he never wants to. It’s more convenient for me to go over his place, of course! ):<

so I assume she already has her own place.

@scamp, then she should go over to her own place more often. He is happily ensconced where he is and won’t change unless forced to.

Sounds like finances aren’t the issue to the both of you moving in together, more like he’s comfortable where’s he’s at, moreso than going to your place even. If a person truly wants something they can easily have, they usually go and get it. You want it, he doesn’t.

@Darwin exactly!

Good point Chyna, thats probably true. Im okay with what he spends his money on, its his money, the point I was trying to make though was that he would rather spend ALL his money on these things rather than his own place. He does have a credit card that he pays on his own though, but thats pretty much it. I dont think his parents make him pay for anything since they dont have money issues, so dont expect help, but im sure he has helped pay for SOME things, just not bills…. also, I should mention that his parents arent american born or raised, which makes things a bit more difficult…

I used to have my OWN place, an apartment, but i recently moved out into my parents home due to financial and academic reasons. During that time though, he WAS over MUCH more often. Slept over about 3 times a week (week ends). If I had to, I would get a job if he is worried about financial issues, buuut, the thing is, im sure he has enough money to last us until we get our Masters degrees.

Hmm, well, this sure is helping me with deciding what I will say when I speak to him.

Wait a second. If you moved in together, would you expect him to pay for the entire apartment or would you split it (and other expenses) 50/50?

i think that might be part of the problem, that i didnt exactly explain to him how me and him will split expenses. im sure he expects me and him to have to pay equally on the place if we got one, and he probably assumes that since I dont currently have a job, that I wont be able to pay for the place… so I guess I need to talk about that with him! I would love to help out, but that means getting a job, and if he’s okay with that, ill do it. But I was thinking that so long as we have a placed already paid for (I think college apartments work a little different, there are no monthly payments, only one time payments), I can be the one who cooks, cleans, and manages the house, so he never has to deal with it… btw, the reason I think this way is because he told me thats how his parents started out at first. His dad paid for everything and his mother cooked and cleaned and cared for children….

but either way, its something else I also need to talk to him about..

I am seeing some red flags here. You say that he would expect you to split expenses, but the rest of the post makes it sound like you were trying to find a way not to do that. I am with your boyfriend on this one—it sounds unfair to have one person pay for the entire apartment and the other live for free, even if that person is cooking and cleaning.

Also, this line worries me:

that means getting a job, and if he’s okay with that, ill do it

Why does he have to be okay with it for you to get a job?

You need to split the house duties in half. Why would you have to do all the household chores while he plays his games all day? That is an antiquated idea that the woman do the chores and the man pay the bills. If you are getting a masters degree, it sounds like you will hopefully have a good paying full time job some day and if you start off now by letting your boyfriend lay about all day, you will never change that aspect of him.

That is true, yes. What i mean by that line though is that if I need to get a job to help with finances so we can live together, ill do it. Thing is, he might not be okay with the idea of us working a job and going to school at the same time, because the reason I dont have a job right now is to focus on studies, because my career at the end of the line matters more than a small part time job. Basically, if it will help get us out of our parents house and into our own place, I will try and accommodate to do it.

House duties can be split, of course, but I actually find it relaxing to cook and clean, so its something I wouldn’t mind doing at all. Cooking and cleaning after just me and him isnt a big deal since we arent too messy. But yes, I do need to think about the fact that he might just lay around all day, but of course, thats something ELSE we need to talk about, lol!

If he’s younger than 22 then leave him alone about it. He may not be ready. He has it easy with lots of freedom & a pretty much free place to live with laundry service & food provided.

If he is older than 22 then leave him alone about it cause in that case he may still not be ready but unless he has some sort of physical or mental hadicap he ought to be taking care of himself by now & will just turn out to be your burden in the end. A man living with his parents after 22–25 isn’t much of a man at all in my opinion. (unless he’s their 24/7 caregiver in their sickness or something) – but that’s just me – some folks like dating babies cause they feel the need to have someone to mother.

Just sit him down and have a serious talk, so at least you get things off your chest and he can get things off his chest. I think it’s really important for couples to communicate on things they don’t see eye to eye on. I think it will help both of you to just understand where the other is coming from.

@cuteasabutton I understand where you’re coming from but you really need to sort everything out before bringing this up to him again. Make sure you have ALL the little details.
I’ve lived with my boyfriend for almost two years now. For a while I didn’t work, but he said it was okay, plus we weren’t even in the US at the time.

We just settled down in Denver and got a condo that we rent. The rent is $695 a month, my boyfriend pays that (however sometimes he needs 100–200 bucks from me so I give it to him) I pay the phone bill which is about 150 a month, electric which is around 70 and insurance 100. We came to this agreement TOGETHER. We did it that way because he makes way more money than I do. But if you do the math, we’re both paying the same percent of money for what we each make a month. So it works out. Plus we take turns buying things like groceries, going out to dinner, etc.

You need to sit down with him and work it out. If he’s not ready to grow up, you need to figure out if you want to be with someone like that.

He sound too immature to be out on his own. And he probably knows that on some level.

Why don’t I give you my number it’s 555…
No seriously, are you cute?

I’d say this guy is barely capable of a relationship, much less living with someone other than his mum. Why are you doing everything for his convenience, again? And you want to move in with him, why? When you love someone, sometimes they do things for the sake of the relationship and for you, too. He’s not doing this.

Before you speak to him again. you should have a think with yourself and ask what it is you truly want from a relationship, and then compare and contrast. From what I’ve read in this thread, it seems that you’re doing a lot of work for not-so-much benefit.

Whoa! You said:
I would love to help out, but that means getting a job, and if he’s okay with that, ill do it

Does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture? Why does he have to be “ok with it” for you to get a job?

I am becoming more confused on this issue the more I read. When I read your question, I assumed you were already in your own place and wanted him to move out of his parents home.

I think you will both have to do some thinking about this before you take the next step. You aren’t in a position to talk about getting a place together right now, because you have no income to support your end of things. I think your very first step is to find a job.

Then, you should think about what a place would cost, and how much you are both willing to pay towards rent and utilities etc.

Whether or not his parents need the money is not the issue here. they should have him pay something to teach him how to handle money other than to buy games, etc.

I think you both need a little more time at home to think things through. You may be jumping the gun a bit here. May I ask how old the two or you are?

He has no reason to leave his parent’s house and he sees not reason to go give up being their dependent. Let’s face it: they feed, house, clothe him, and are okay with his girlfriend sleeping over. What reason does he have to grow up and be an adult? He’s not ready to leave. He may never be ready to leave. You will not be able to change that; he has to come to the conclusion that it’s time to stand on his own two feet.

Well, to answer @scamp question, I already told @nikipedia what I meant. Basically, getting a job would mean working and school (full time student) and that didn’t work out too well when I did before and my grades/GPA suffered horribly for it. I’m doing much better now, and me and him value our education over small part time jobs. I’m not saying I need his PERMISSION, im saying, if he thinks its ok for me and him to work, school, and live together, then we can work something out. But if he doesn’t like that idea, that I wont.

I know what everyone is saying, about him being immature and not ready to leave the comforts of home. It’s been a problem for a while between us. I think I can do something similar to what @chealsebabyy was talking about. But I want to get him to start at least THINKING about growing up, because me being at his parents house is NOT working out for ME at all. Its too convenient for him, but for me, its a hassle having to pack up each time he calls and asks me to come over, and then we are left baby sitting his little brother and sometimes watching very uncomfortable movies with his parents (uggghhh). Very little time is me and him time and that hurts the relationship a lot ): I just hope I can slowly convince him to consider wanting to grow up and be on his own, because right now, he thinks im wrong for even considering it!

sorry I can’t get to everyone individually, I hope i said enough in my post.

Why are you in a relationship with someone who isn’t on the same level as you?

@cuteasabutton, how old are you? It sounds like you’re trying to fulfill some fantasy in your head about being an adult. You say you tried living on your own before, and had to move back into your parents house. You both need to finish school and be ready to take the training wheels off financially before you go playing house.

Is anyone else bothered by the fact that this is a college student who wants to be an adult and get a place with her boyfriend (and who will get a job if he says it is okay) but who doesn’t seem to know the difference between me and him and he and I?

@cuteasabutton If your GPA suffered when you worked and went to school, how do you expect to maintain good grades while having the very full job of running a home on your own?
I find it concerning that you can’t afford to live on your own, so you want someone who you claim might just lie around the house and spend all his money on video games to provide your housing and be a good partner.
I really think you should just be enjoying your time in college now, and worry about living together later.

He needs to quit being lazy and mooching off of his parents. If he can’t move out of mommy and daddy’s, then you should dump him.

You two obviously aren’t ready to move out. You are both in school, not enough funds for it.

I personally see nothing wrong with living with your parents. My brother is older than me, and still hasn’t moved out, he pays room/board, but is saving money for a house. Other than because you want to move out, you can’t afford it. Think logically. You two won’t be saving any money, you’ll put more stress on yourself to work full time and go to school full time. You’ve got it easy now, stick with it.

I never told anyone on Fluther but I am a psychic and the stars have told me what is in your future if you move in together at this time

(rubbing crystal ball)

See the clouds are parting. In less than 6 mos all of your money will be tied up in things like rent and basic cable. Bf will start to think of good times when he could do what he wanted and spend times with friends and fanily and w/o you in his face 24/7 telling him what to do. He will pick a fight, break up and move back home. You will be left standing there with “wha hapn?” written on your face and the rent due.

The universe has spoken!

I have only one thing I’m going to add to all of the good advice you’ve received.

QUIT making it convenient for him to see you! As long as he doesn’t have to do any work for the relationship, he isn’t going to do any work for the relationship.

I’d say that everyone here had a lot of poignant things to say, and I, as well, agree with many statements that have been made here, but also have been in a similar situation with my boyfriend in the past, so I can speak from experience. The truth is, if you have no money to move in together, than this is really only a fantasy that would be near to impossible to make a reality.

Try to take a step back and look at the situation from another point of view, do you really want all of these responsibilities anyways? Don’t you think you might actually be making this harder on yourself; not only will you have to go to school and get a job, but you’ll also have to clean up after yourself and another person. That sounds like a lot more work than just going over to his house.

What insight can I personally give you? Well, don’t compare your relationship to other people’s. There is no need to live up to any standards of society. Just because you don’t live together, doesn’t mean your not in love. It doesn’t mean you might not want to live together in the future either. Just try to concentrate on the present. It seems as though your boyfriend is truthfully not putting enough effort into the relationship, and instead of focusing on that, you are going to try to force him to live with you which is pretty irrational. Oh man, I’m sure a lot of girls can relate to that feeling: if he isn’t giving me what I need, than I’ll try to force it.

Surely, this never works. Things must come naturally or they must come to an end. Things will definitely come to an end if you try to be forceful about a fantasy that would definitely be difficult for either of you to fulfill. So, I would take a long and deep breath, and rather, try to figure out how you can get your boyfriend to participate and give you what you need in the relationship. Like someone else said, be less available…if he doesn’t ever want to come over, make it clear that you’re not going to come over all of the time. If he doesn’t care, than it may be time to break up.

@cuteasabutton After reading your last post, I’d say the best thing for the two of you right now is to slow things down, and stop thinking so much about moving in together. it seems that neither of you is really ready for this right now.

Also, why do you feel the need to sleep over? Why can’t you simply date, like most unmarried people your age do? If he is really interested in a relationship with you, and not just the convienience of having his loving “delivered”, he should take you out to dinner and/or a movie, then at the end of the night, you both go home. And if you want to have sex.. get a room somewhere.

That way, you aren’t bored by watching movies with his parents and stuck babysitting his little brother. I think you are making it too easy for him to take advantage of you and you are selling yourself short. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable having sex in my parents house or at my boyfriend’s parents house at your age.

And now that I have a daughter your age, I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable knowing her boyfriend was spending the night in her room. I don’t know how his parents can turn a blind eye to that, but to each his own I guess. I do have to add that I feel it is setting a bad example for his little brother.

Slow things down, and back off a little. Make him show you that he really wants to be with you by putting more effort into the relationship than ordering a booty call, as if he was ordering a pizza to be delivered. You deserve more respect than you are getting, and you need to respect yourself more as well.

leave him.

Thanks @scamp. Sorry it took so long to get back, school has kept me stressful and busy. Your advice is very good, and I think you’re right. I think you might think of me as a teenager, I’m 22, so I feel that’s why I am ready :P But I think I will only be ready once I have my career in hand. And thanks to others as well, can’t get back to everyone individually though.

You’re welcome sweetie. Actually, I was guessing your age at early 20’s. I think you have a few things to do before you two are ready to move in together. Be patient tho. you’re still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t rush things too much and end up with heartache from haste. I wish you all the best!