General Question

number_cruncher's avatar

How do I deal with this new girl?

Asked by number_cruncher (232points) October 4th, 2009

Hey… so I met this girl at a party who I think is stunning. The night I met her I talked with her for over an hour just about random stuff. A week later I asked her out on a date… we went for dinner. A couple nights later she was at a bar with some of her friends and I was there too and she sought me out (we knew ahead of time we’d both be there). We had a good amount to drink (nothing crazy) and she invited me back to her place to just cuddle and kiss a bit. We went out a couple more times and the same kind of intimacy has been happening where she seems really into just being close to me without taking things too fast.

The reason I’m not sure about where this is heading is kind of complicated. I’ve never been in a long term relationship and have had issues the past 4–5 years with mild depression. I’ve had trouble meeting people after having some abandonment issues in my past with good friends, a rough parents divorce, etc… I’m trying my best to show her I am a good guy when I’m around (paying for her, walking her back to her place, comforting her) but I just don’t know what she’s thinking about me. Obviously I have a lot of insecurities about myself and getting close to someone that I feel sometimes it shows in how I interact and this leads me to believe she finds something off putting about me. I fear she may not want to see me again or may lose interest if she already hasn’t. She also seems to be a bit more adventurous than me (I’m a more serious, introverted, isolated kind of guy).

Any general advice would be great. Like I said, I don’t know her too well, but it seems like there is a bit of a spark. I don’t know if it’s just because I find her very physically attractive or if it’s something more.

One thing I’m trying my hardest not to do right now is appear clingy or needy. My instinct is to message her all of the time to check up on her. I’ve restrained and I don’t think I’ve so far shown any signs of being clingy but I sure want to be.

Let me know what you think I should do and how I should maybe find a better mindset going forward because I fear she’ll leave me once she gets to know me a bit better and some of my issues.

Thanks guy.

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17 Answers

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Just play it cool.
Being anxious is serious girl repellent.

dpworkin's avatar

Every human on earth has issues. You are wise to restrain yourself from being overintrusive – people find that smothering, regardless of your intentions.

I think you are on the right trail, but why persist in ruminating about your supposed shortcomings? Maybe you could try reminding yourself that there’s nothing really wrong with you when you start having those thoughts.

Also, don’t forget to have fun! Think of cool places to take her, and enjoy yourselves! It’s fun to get to know another person, and this one sounds like she has real possibilities. Keep us updated.

number_cruncher's avatar

@pdworkin I have this fear that the second I reveal any of my issues or they get discovered, she’ll run and hide. She is a very beautiful girl so I imagine she gets a lot of attention. I haven’t felt like I’ve been acting like something I’m not but I do feel like I need to keep people from getting to know me because they won’t like what they see/find out.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

As the mom of a 23 year old daughter that fits the description of your young lady, I can tell you that most mature young women are aware that young men come with shortcomings. The only ones that are still looking for Prince Charming are usually somewhat immature.

Quit focusing on the beautiful part, and focus on the intelligent, kind part, and her character. Looks have nothing to do with what’s really attracting you to this girl.

dpworkin's avatar

The most rewarding type of relationship is when someone gets to know you well, and to accept you for exactly who you are. You don’t need to over-reveal. Take your time, have fun, let things develop, and let her get to know you as you get to know her. She probably has similar fears. We all do. Don’t think too much. Eventually you will learn about one another. It takes a long, long time to really get to know another person. It’s almost always worth the effort.

And one more suggestion: don’t think so much about the way she looks. Concentrate more on what kind of person she is. Beauty fades, but decent, smart, funny, companionable – those stay all through a person’s life.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

If she makes you want to be the best person that you can be, then you need to focus on that. Focus on making what you perceive your faults to be not an issue in the relationship. Good relationships are a gift, and you have to respect both the uniqueness that the person brings to the relationship, and what you have to give. If a person makes you want to be the best person that you can be, then it’s a good relationship.

It’s really hard to firgure things out when you don’t have a role model for what a healthy relationship looks like.

marinelife's avatar

Relax. What is the downside here?

Also, women do not kiss and cuddle and agree to new dates with guys they aren’t interested in. That is your positive reinforcement.

Sometimes beautiful people don’t get asked out because people assume they have so much action, and it isn’t true.

Finally, rather than texting her to check on her all the time, take a risk and talk to her. For example, “I really like what we have so far. I am enjoying your company.” Then pause and see what she says to you.

Listen to what she says and does and not your inner doubts, which are mostly manufactured.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Get a new puppy. Then start keeping a journal talking about how the only things that matter in this world are the new puppy and her… “I couldn’t go on if anything ever happened to either one of them”. Make sure to have a few sketches of her and the puppy.

Then get some crutches from the goodwill and put your leg in a cast. Set your house on fire and loose everything… including the puppy. Arrange to have your car stolen.

The only things to survive the fire are your iPod and your Journal. Dress up like a clown and ask her for a ride to the hospital, where you have an appointment to entertain the kids in the children’s cancer ward. On the way, ask her to change a dollar so you can catch a buss to the local prison where you council convicts in the evening. Tell her how pleased you are that the Warden offered you a prison blanket to use because you must now sleep on a park bench.

If she invites you to stay with her for a few days, make sure to leave the journal out in the open so she can read it discretely behind your back. Then tell her you got mugged and your iPod was stolen. Ask her if she’s seen your journal around anywhere and trouble her for a pencil.

And try not to act too needy.

Worked for me!

Dog's avatar

Relax and keep moving forward.

If she is your soul mate she will draw out the best in you.
I know this because my soul mate has done this with me, an introverted artist

It will also help if you let go of your past and just live in today- the past is over and gone and it has no place in today aside of lessons learned.

This new girl is a blank canvas in your life- a new beginning. It is a story yet to be written. Shake off the worry and enjoy it unfolding.

filmfann's avatar

Sounds like you are doing all the right things, and restraining all the right urges. Well done!

number_cruncher's avatar

Thanks for the advice guys… I guess I am almost expecting my biggest fear to come true and that is she will leave me sooner or later… And if that happens I could see it being a huge hit on my confidence. Some of you guys may be a lot less sensitive than me so sorry if my reasoning just doesn’t resonate with you. I’m just saying it’s tough to just relax and see what happens when I’ve got this constant fear.

dpworkin's avatar

Everybody has those fears. The trick is not to let it overwhelm you. Answer a question for me please: What is the very worst thing that could happen if she decided not to pursue a relationship with you? And allow me to answer for you, please: staus quo ante. That’s it! That’s the worst! So you can only be better off for trying, not worse off.

number_cruncher's avatar

@pdworkin thanks for the response. Well you bring up a good point. I feel as though I’d be worse off if she decided not to pursue a relationship. I think my confidence would be shot. Given this is the first time I’ve ever felt like the potential for a relationship has existed, the stakes seem a lot higher. As such, I’d have a lot of trouble (I think) reverting back to the status quo.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

She does have a say in this; it’s not all about you.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Talk dirty to her. The nastier the better.

Haleth's avatar

@number_cruncher If you’re worried about her being more adventurous than you, why not shake up your routine a bit and do some adventurous stuff? Sometimes relationships can change you for the better. Maybe you’re not really that introverted and isolated, but that’s just how you’ve always been doing things.

Introduce her to your issues a little bit at a time, and try to look at them in a mature and thoughtful way when you do. You guys have only been on a couple dates, so you still don’t know each other that well. When you’re really infatuated with a new person it can be easy to get caught up in these grand sweeping emotions, and talk about stuff like this in a really heavy emotional tone. There are times to talk about stuff like this, just keep it appropriate to how well you know each other.

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