General Question

lostjelly's avatar

I feel like I'm not in control of myself?

Asked by lostjelly (41points) December 19th, 2009

I used to be really happy and loud and energetic, so I’ve been told.
But for the past few years I’ve grown quieter and quieter. It feels like it’s not in my control even though I know it is, really; like there’s ropes holding me down or something. And I don’t know why.
When I try to talk my throat starts contricting, when I try to smile my chest hurts.
I don’t feel very much anymore, I’m kinda… I guess you’d call it numb, in a sense?
I really love the people I’m surrounded by in my life, they’re all like family, but it hurts to be around them.
My mind will go blank when I’m put in the spotlight, I have to fight myself for control…
There’s also been moments when I realize I’ve kind of blacked out for a few seconds, because I’ll be in the middle of saying something (which I rarely do, because I feel like I can’t, so people listen hard to my whispers I get out…) and I’ll have no idea what I was saying. It’s scary.
Those people around me have begun to worry, and are trying to reach out to me, but it’s like I’m living in a fog, I can’t reach back to them. I hate being like this, because I’m just in the way, really, I don’t give opinions or say anything or contribute, but everyone lets me stay while I “work out” whatever my problem is. They tell me to talk to someone, it doesn’t have to be them…
They want to see me “happy”. That’s all. They think I’m shy, or have a lack of confidence. I know it’s neither, but I don’t know what’s wrong.
It’s really hard to explain, because I don’t know what it is. And this probably doesn’t make any sense, but this is the closest I can get to talking to anybody about it.

I feel like I’m trapped, like I’m in my body, but not really. Like I can just watch, kind of take in what’s going on, but I’m not really in control… The control kinda fluxuates throughout the day, sometimes my mind is crystal clear, sometimes I feel like I’m sludging through mud.

I feel ridiculous. I don’t know what my problem is. I don’t know what I expect by putting it out here. Maybe some answers? Some tips for loosening these “ropes” I don’t know where came from? If that’s possible?

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12 Answers

dpworkin's avatar

Some of your symptoms sound like depression. Why not talk to a counselor, and get help?

hearkat's avatar

I agree with @pdworkin. It seems that there are issues that you are trying to suppress – that you are being held back by something. You may not even be cognitively aware of what it is.

I don’t want to read too much into it… but from your details, it sounds like something has you censoring yourself… like you are expected to live up to a certain ideal; but that in doing so, you are denying who you really are. I say this based on similar things I’ve felt, and seen close, lifelong friends struggle with.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

I agree completely with @pdworkin and @hearkat: this sounds like classic depression symptoms. You really need to see a doctor about this. The symptoms manifest in your mind: your attitudes, ambition, feelings, emotions, loss of appetite and other ways. But it’s an illness, and it can be treated.

Don’t ignore it or think it will go away. Your mind will look for “solutions” that are anything but fixes for the problem.

Someone very close to me felt a lot of the things that you describe. Her explanation to me later (thank god we had a “later”) was, “Eh, life has no meaning, anyway. What’s the point? It’s not like there’s any particular meaning or purpose to my life, and in the end I’m going to die anyway, and no one’s going to really care, sooo…” We had this conversation in the County Mental Health facility after her (failed) suicide attempt.

She’s having the time of her life now, two years later. She can’t even imagine the person she was then.

Please look for help, and you can find it. If you don’t feel up to it, just point out this Q & A to a friend of yours and let them call a doctor and drive you. You need help. (If you’re in Connecticut, let me know with a PM and I’ll come and take you myself.)

If you don’t have insurance, check the Yellow Pages for your County Mental Health Association (or however it’s listed) or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800–273-TALK (8255), and they can help to guide you.

Yeah, it’s that important. I’m sure you don’t want to, don’t feel it’s really that important, it’s just too much trouble… yada yada. It is that important. And everyone in your life would rather go to a little trouble now rather than…

Just go call.

druebeall's avatar

It sounds as if you might be under a spritiual attack of some kind.

Christian95's avatar

A little change of background might help.
hang out in new place,try new things,meet new people,do something unexpected etc.
This will bring new colors in your life which will help you regain a part of your old “you”,of course you will change a little bit but it won’t be something impossible to handle for your friends.
Or you can go to a counselor but it won’t be as fun as doing new things.

wildflower's avatar

A couple of things:
1. Talk to a counsellor, even if it’s a hotline – anyone removed from your situation that you don’t feel the need to hide anything from.
2. Do something for yourself, whether it’s a hobby, a trip somewhere or a project. Something you do just because you want to.

It sounds like you’re not able to be honest with people around you and this could be because of your own expectations set for yourself.
Start by being honest with yourself, think how you really feel, what you really want – allow yourself to feel and think whatever may come, there’s no wrong, only real. Then work on accepting that yourself. If you do, you’ll find sharing it with others isn’t as hard.

proXXi's avatar

Sounds very much like depression to me too. Start by seeing your doctor.

Try to remember you aren’t alone in this. Others have experienced this too.

There is an explaination and possible solutions to your problem.

You can make your way back to your correct happy self.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I’ve been there. It sounds like it might be depression, but you need to get evaluated by a professional. Probably a full neurological workup is called for to eliminate other nasty conditions that can masquerade as depression.

If it turns out to be depression, please remember that it takes time for the medications to work, several weeks is common. Also not all medications work on all patients and dosages need to be adjusted to get the optimal effect. Patience. The doctor has yet to find a medication that has more than a mild effect on my depression, we keep trying.

HasntBeen's avatar

It might be depression. But that sort of sweeps the question away, in much the same way that saying “God did it” explains the creation of the platypus.

Why would you be depressed? I think most depression that isn’t biochemically based, and isn’t related to high-stress circumstances, is rooted in a developmental failure… some place where you should be moving on and are failing or refusing to do so.

You are not a static, fixed thing… nobody is. Your job is to grow and develop and become richer and deeper as a person. This sounds kind of nice, but in fact it’s rather uncomfortable most of the time, because in order to grow you have to keep shedding the old you… and that is often disturbing, embarrassing, even frightening. You have to keep seeing that the way you’ve put yourself together no longer fits the opportunity that your life is now, and have the courage to let it go and step out into new territory.

If someone reaches the limit of their “box”, and starts to become stagnant, and play it safe, and not punch a hole in the box to see what’s outside of it, it’s easy to see how depression can set in. The sheer sameness of being the same thing day after day, rather than a living and growing being is enough to drain the spirit from your life.

As far as anybody can tell, you have one chance to live. Lots of people seem to be waiting for their life to start, a condition that eventually proves fatal. Nobody can tell you what to do with your life, but if you’re stuck in a rut, everybody can see that’s not it.

janbb's avatar

Much has been said to you already; I’ll just add another vote in favor of therapy. Speaking only for myself, I was helped greatly with depression and self-esteem issues by a great therapist. Take care of yourself.

filmfann's avatar

When I was dealing with a lot of stress, Paxel saved my life.
You should see a therapist, and if he perscribes it, take it!

Cheeseball451's avatar

Maybe your in depression or just somking something…...........

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