How do you explain a person who knowingly continues a behavior that is hurtful to others?

I would say they have a personality disorder and require treatment to learn how to control their actions.

Treat that person the way they are treating others. See how they like it

You don’t have to explain it.

The person’s action speaks for itself.

It depends upon the circumstances. Some people behave abusively in one relationship and not in their others. Could this be a dynamic between both participants? Or is this person just generally hurtful and uncaring? If the latter, I suspect a mental illness, sadly most probably an untreatable mental illness.

These people like attention and control. They feel like they have power when they are able to get under someone else’s skin. When confronted, they will often employ the “I’ll change” excuse. However, if they don’t feel much for their fellow mankind, then they really have not motivation to change. The ones who use this excuse love themselves to much to give what feels good, or (ironically) to be seen in a degraded light by others. How do I know? Half of my family is that way.

I think usually people like that are needy and narcissistic. In the moment they are so self absorbed with themselves they are unable to evaluate how they might be hurting others. Some people like this actually think the other person should not be hurt by the particular action, completely ignoring the feelings of the person, or dismissing the feelings as stupid, trivial, or wrong. I also think many times control issues are wrapped up in the mess also.

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received is to develop the habit of asking myself:

What useful purpose does this serve?

Trying to understand why people do certain things is all well and good, but self preservation takes precedence in those occurances where one’s well being is threatened. You can figure out why a particular action is occurring after it stops or after you’ve put distance between you and the offender.

You must also bear in mind that not everything makes sense, in which case trying to understand why is an act of futility.

You can’t make sense out of nonsense.

If someone is knowingly hurting someone, or practicing behavior that they know is hurtful, but won’t stop this behavior, I don’t see how their mental conditions can be blamed.
The knowingly is the key here.

@chyna: Indeed.

I have this problem with my younger brothers. I explain to them, as carefully and calmly as I can, that certain actions or behaviors of theirs upset me. Ostensibly, they appear to understand what I’m saying, yet it doesn’t take long for the behavior to appear again (I’m talking about silly yet disruptive things, like really loud burps). In some cases, I’ve made my feelings known a countless number of times, but it just doesn’t seem to get through to them. I’m a very patient person, but after years of this, my patience has worn thin. They laugh, or apologize, or make an excuse, but it all stays the same.

I personally believe there is no solution to this behavior. I’ve pretty much given up.

Try reading “The Sociopath Next Door” by Dr Martha Stoudt. Very appropo. It’s on Amazon and at B&N

They don’t really internalize it at the level of experience. empathy or feeling. They may say that they understand it’s hurtful but can’t really see it when they do it. They see it’s hurtful when you tell them because it’s brought to their attention. Likewise the true sociopath can not see the nature of their actions. But just because someone hurts someone’s feelings continually does not make them a sociopath nor the person being put upon a victim. The “victim” may in fact be a narcissist imagining that they are being persecuted when someone is going to great lengths to simply get their attention. Relationships are great for doing this and can challenge ones most “sacred” wounds.

in the moment of an action, i don’t think anyone does anything that they don’t believe they ought to do. they could be mistaken, of course. so, if there is something else they ought to do be doing, they’re going to need to convinced that a behavior change would be ideal and they’re going to need to know what makes the new action better than the one they were doing.

@ninjacolin
I agree unless they have true mental illness but that’s the exception.

I agree wih that, @SeventhSense

there’s another issue too. The definition of “better” is important. if the reason isn’t good enough to stop the behavior, for example, perhaps they’re being asked to stop it purely because “our gang says so.” The person may be convinced to participate under duress, but if they don’t understand the holistic benefit of the changed behavior, they’re simply going to look for ways not to get caught instead of seeking to cease the behavior for the “right” reasons.

behavior follows motivation, and recieves a response, which can encourage, or reinforce it.

There is insuffient information given to elaborate the dynamics of why.

In general someone who continues to harm, in simple terms, has a compelling reason to do so or is simply an ass.

If they are unable to explain it, look up the compulsion issues.

The second question is why need a reason. Should the wife remain with an abusive alcoholic who has no intention to do rehab or go to counseling.

See ya later alligator.

In general someone who continues to harm, in simple terms, has a compelling reason to do so or is simply an ass.
You had me until the last line there. That does little to foster communication or come to an understanding but simply dismisses a person, exonerates the self and adds to the problem.

the ass point is where it’s time to throw in the towel

It’s important to remember that we are not therapists when it comes to our own relationships.

Some times you simply have to focus on the behavior and hold the person accountable.

A sociopath, is a scumbag by any other definition. If a sociopath wants to not be written off, then they have to do their part.

Try telling a judge that the devil made you do it.

A true sociopath is an infinitesimally small section of the population. It’s really the vast grey area that we all fall within which should be our focus.

aye, but don’t be wearin a kick me sign.

For the grey, maybe it’s time to reconsider the assignment of whether they are behaving as a sociopath.

If they do feel empathy, then the list is long
compulsion
addictive behavior
dysfunctional relationships with codepedent issues.

simply there may be more reward in being bad, but they regret it, and are unwilling to change.

Saying you want to change does not mean you will

the question gives insufficient information

Therefore – in a situation of doubt – unless the perpetrator (perp) – coughs up a rationalization – he’s going to jail for his crime.

How do you know when an inmate is lying?

Answer:
Their lips are moving.

It sounds to me like they have a personality disorder or perhaps even a systemic illness which is causing them to behave the way they are. I would suggest that you try to get them to see a doctor, although most people who are mentally ill deny it. Perhaps tell them that their behaviour is not normal and that they should seek help for it.

@DrMC
Of course one should always be respectful of oneself as well as others.

It’s OK to analyze deviance, but it’s more important to promote psychological, and physical self defense

oh wow, @DrMC, i wonder if this is the argument @Merriment was trying to make in another thread. well stated premise! i guess my disagreement is whether it’s more important or less. unproven, i would say, which one is which.

This is a good point. Ninja.

The analysis is so complex, that more detail to point it would help. In nearly every case of violence, homicide, there is a component of regret, or sociopathy. You either know you are harming a person, or you dont. If you act against your instincs (assuming in the questioned individual
a) knows they are hurting a person
b) cares
c) senses a moral dilemma

= I want to do A (that thing which harms another), but I need/am compulsively bound to, chose to pursue B, which is causing A.

What is B?
Is it choice, compulsion, need, habit that overides the value of avoiding A?

The details will help.

This actually is a good study of EVIL (its either sociopathy, or B)

muhahahaha

In my experience the steps involve dehumanization of the target in A – “they are just dirty so and so’s – they’re not real people” – out group members not worthy of in group rights.

The next step is a rationalization of B.

We must cleanse the people of (A) to achieve our divine place in history. (B)

then follows government mandated progroms to achieve these “lofty goals”

Read up on manifest destiny, and then compare to faschism in the 20th century.

Then just for a chill, compare to statements of JFK, before he was assasinated.

It’s hard to change a habit.

I think habit is behind a lot of it.

Habit is just a decision, that is repeated so much, the mental actions become symbolized and linked. For example, you think turn the pedal, balance, dont fall, until you get good, then its’ get on the bike.

Habits can be stopped. I like those 170$ doggie trainers. Put the collar on. Bad behavior. Shock.

Muahaha.

Okay, I think Self defense is primary. You have to take care of yourself first.
Once your self defense is in place though, I don’t think it’s a good idea to just let the person stay the way they are. In terms of long term self defense, the best would be to get the other person stop being a threat at all.

It does sound like a true narcissist. The range goes from borderline to sociopath. Probably just a garden variety self absorbed individual.

More specifically, I think ti describes someone who is ignorant of the worthwhile benefits of changing their behavior. Because they don’t know there is a better option, they fail to pursue it with the needed intensity.

With a word. Narcissism.

Try reading a short book entitled “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stoudt. Amazon has it, as does Barnes and Noble. Got one in our family.