General Question

pwincess99's avatar

Why does my boyfriend never seem to make an effort?

Asked by pwincess99 (123points) February 17th, 2010

it gets quite annoying, he never kisses me unless I kiss him, i have to initiate sex all the time, i would like him to initiate things more so i feel wanted, he says he does love me. i’m 21 he is 20. so do you think this is inappropriate? and gentlemen maybe you could tell me how you would treat a lady. could do with a bit of advice.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

33 Answers

Sophief's avatar

sounds odd for a 20 year old. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel. He might just like you taking control, or if you have always been like that then he might just think you are happy with that and satisfied!

Blackberry's avatar

It could be a number of things: Feeling like there’s nothing to chase after so what’s the point of working anymore, doesn’t like you anymore and is just with you for convenience, could be depressed about something in his life and have no interest in relationships etc etc. We can’t really tell you exactly what’s wrong with someone we don’t even know. You have to keep asking him yourself or dump him.

pwincess99's avatar

I have tried asking him a few times and he just says he doesn’t realise, i don’t get it! I have to ask him for sex! that’s quite bad wouldn’t you say?

JONESGH's avatar

I think it’s really hot when a girl takes control and initiate things, but he does need to sometimes. Maybe he is unsure of what you want.

Sophief's avatar

@pwincess99 How long have you been together? and sorry to ask this but he is 100% straight isn’t he?

Broken_Arrow's avatar

What kinda effort?

CyanoticWasp's avatar

You’re perhaps reading more into “not making an effort” than is there (or not). Don’t imagine that you know what is in his head. All that you know are 1) what he does and says and 2) how you feel.

He can’t imagine—or to put it another way, he can only imagine—what is in your head.

So tell him. When you do this I feel that. Maybe—this isn’t what you want to hear, I suppose—he doesn’t care if you feel that or he wants you to feel that. More likely he just has no clue.

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. This is the only valid information you can transmit to him. You can’t tell him how he’s thinking unless you want to start a war with him.

pwincess99's avatar

yes we have been together for 4 years in april and yes he is straight. he has been like this for about 2 and a half years now. i do know things change but surely not this much?

Sophief's avatar

@pwincess99 I was going to ask if anything was bothering him, but if he has been like it for that length of time then I’m at a loss. I’ll think about it. I hope things get better for you.

SuperMouse's avatar

I can’t give you any reasons for this, but I can share my story. I dated and eventually married a fellow not unlike the one you describe. I always figured that he was into me but not great at showing it. Over the years his attention grew less and less until he all but ignored me. I was miserable and unfulfilled and about a year ago ended our twenty year marriage.

pwincess99's avatar

hmm well i have spoke to him about it and he says he doesn’t feel he has to kiss me all the time because i should know he loves me, but it is nice to be shown, im sorry to hear about that. thank you for your answers.

Cruiser's avatar

Find a new boyfriend…he won’t change and try and imagine being married to a guy like that.

stump's avatar

First, I would say stop initiating everything. If that means going without affection for a while, so be it. If he notices and cares, he will start initiating things more often. If he doesn’t notice, then he is probably on his way out the door already. If he is still interested, drop hints about trying new things in bed. If he has any imagination, he will start thinking of all kinds of things. That should get him initiating sex. But don’t do this unless you are going to back it up with action. If he doesn’t know what exactly to expect in bed, he will be much more interested. If you can’t do new stuff, or you have done it all, then this approach won’t work for you.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

Could there be something physically or psychologically going on that might affect his sex drive? He’s not showing any kind of affection on his own initiative?

Early in our relationship, I did not initiate sex because my lady was recovering from serious injuries and I was afraid of hurting her. She would initiate but I would join in enthusiastically. I just didn’t want her to feel pressured. I would initiate all other signs of love and affection though: kissing, hugging, massage, even washing her hair.

You need to talk to him seriously about this. If he still loves you, he’s got to be willing to show it to you on his own, without prodding from you.

RandomMrdan's avatar

Seems very strange to me that he wouldn’t ever initiate sex, kisses, do nice things for you to make you feel good, tell you that you look good, or smell nice, etc.

You’ve dated for four years, maybe he has taken you for granted?

I haven’t dated anyone as long as 4 years, but I always have a drive for sex, and the drive to want to do nice things, take my lady out to dinner, ask her how her day has been and so on.

Like @stump suggested, stop initiating things for him, and see what happens, and also as @Cruiser said, imagine being married to someone like that… people tend to not change much, hopefully you figure out what’s going on.

My brother dated someone from high school for 4 years, and was about your age when his girlfriend realized she was being neglected, and taken for granted. She eventually broke up with my brother because of it, and if you asked my brother today, he would feel as though he made a mistake.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

You have to talk to him – you have to have high standards and people will either live up to them or they won’t. Life’s too short to waste on someone who never reciprocates.

Val123's avatar

I agree with @stump. Just back off for a while, see if anything changes.

phil196662's avatar

@pwincess99 ; did something change in his life to cause him be – well cautious? maybe you should talk and say that you miss the affection he gave before the whatever _ change and you _really liked that in our relationship.

Then if he is not sure than tell him you will lead for a time and he can re-learn what is important to you.

Like the wife and I- Married for 15 years, kiss and snuggle in public a minimum of six times daily not including on the couch at home or while in bed…

just talk to him so you can get back on track- it takes two to make it work as one

Tenpinmaster's avatar

Some guys are just like that. I know a lot of guys who really don’t do “the little things” because he feels that the lady should already know how he feels. There is always the worst case where he is loosing interest. :( thats a terrible feeling to have.. trust me. There is always the case where he is afraid to initiate things because he wants to make sure that you will not turn him down.

lonelydragon's avatar

OK, let’s address the kissing/affection issue first. Have you told him that you need for him to show that he loves you? Let him know how important physical affection is to you. Otherwise, he probably won’t initiate, because it doesn’t seem that he needs affection in order to feel loved. Unless he’s ignored you in other ways, I would not jump to the worst conclusion, that he doesn’t love you. He’s probably just clueless.

Second, if he’s not initiating sex, there could be many reasons for that. Some guys actually like for women to be in control in the bedroom. Alternately, he might have a low sex drive. If he responds positively when you initiate, and only occasionally refuses your advances, then I wouldn’t worry about it. Just tell him that when he doesn’t initiate very often, you question his love for you, so you’d like for him to do it more often.

Marva's avatar

Listen, the guy your are currently seeing is not into kissing and sex. For any reason that it is.
Accept it.
The guy you strated going out with 4 years ago has changed into this.

We can’t change other people, so don’t think of it as something he can change! he is who he is, and this is him.

Accept it, and make your descision: Do you want to stay with a guy who is and might always be like that?

Personally, I think “no” is a good answer, you are young and there is no reason to bury yourself alive like that.

Why it is the way that it is, is irrelevant.

Val123's avatar

@Marva Why you yelling man? You’re hurting my head!

Violet's avatar

maybe he’s just not that into you anymore

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

I was JUST going to say that @Violet !

Four years? And you are 20? Get the book_ He’s Not That Into You_. Read it. See if he fits the bill.

I read an article in the paper yesterday that lots of men don’t want to have sex with their mate——due to increased availability of pornography on the net and stress. Any possibilities of that? Does he take anti-depressants? (That apparently affects libido, too.)

If he used to be attentive…and is acting like this….it’s not going to change…he’s not going to change. You also (unfortunately) have to entertain the possibilities that there is someone else.

Honestly, you really do deserve to have answers…to make an informed decision.

evandad's avatar

How would I know?

Violet's avatar

@DarlingRhadamanthus exactly. That book is a must. The antidepressants is a good possibility too. Although I disagree with article about decreased sex because of porn. Yes, people can become addicted to porn, but that is rare, if the person has a partner with a high sex drive. I don’t know much about stress and sex drive.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Violet According to the pharma literature, the antidepressant Paxil (paroxetene) has a side effect of reduced libido in some people. Fortunately, the side effect goes away when you go off the medication. Unfortunately, many people have to stay on it for life. :^(

pwincess99's avatar

thank you all, he is not on antidepressants, there is no one else he could be seeing.

Violet's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land There are many good alternatives for Paxil

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Violet If I have to stay on antidepressants long-term I’m going to look for alternatives. But that side-effect may be a blessing in disguise.

memyselfandi's avatar

i have exactly the same problem with my boyfriend. word for word. I feel silly that it has come down to me typing it in for advice as i can’t seem to ask my friends for opinions about this. However i have been with my boyfriend for only a year and a bit now, and it was good at the start, however he has always had an inkling of this, if you really think back into the past, has your boyfriend also made you have an inkling of this unassurance? i always think that im maybe creating someone who doesnt exist in my head and i find it hard to let go because it really might be because it is just how he is and i should accept it? because i really do love him, maybe a bit more than he loves me. Im sorry this seems to be about me, but i know what you are going through completely and its so frustrating because we both need answers! Have you talked to your boyfriend about this?

memyselfandi's avatar

p.s. I really really hope its not that black-and-white of an issue which the book “hes just not that into you” sorta is…. i don’t know wether we should listen to a book like that!

pwincess99's avatar

yes i have spoken to him about it, he just said that he thinks i should know he loves me so he doesn’t have to show it all the time, and i feel the same as you! but we have been together 4 years, you have only been together for 1 year, at 1 year in my relationship it was still great. i know all men are different but surely a year is too soon to back off a bit? have you spoke to your boyfriend about it?

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther