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FarewellStockholm's avatar

What are these reoccuring dreams telling me?

Asked by FarewellStockholm (62points) April 12th, 2010

I believe in the subconscious mind sending messages through our dreams but I am not sure what my mind is trying to tell me!

I am recently married in a very loving, secure, healthy and happy relationship. We have been together for over 5 years and are very solid.

I come from a tainted past (as everyone does) with a lot of familial dysfunction, emotional neglect, and lost loves.
Two weeks ago I ran into my first love whom I have not seen in over 5 years. Our relationship and ending of was a significant source of pain and trial in my adolescent years. It launched me into years of therapy with all the other family/growth struggles I was going through at the time.

I spoke with the ex-boyfriend for about 5 minutes (my husband was there the whole time). At first I was fine, but after a few minutes I had this odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was almost as though my stomach was shaking. I began to get very nervous and I calmly/casually ended the conversation with a “it was nice to see you…take care, etc.” This was an interaction I had always wondered how it was pan out…it went well!

Since this reaquainting, I have had reoccuring dreams of the ex-boyfriend. Rehashing old issues, calling him and trying to find closure. Sometimes in my dreams it starts out that it is my husband who I am fighting with and then it turns into the ex-boyfriend.

I am wondering what my brain is trying to tell me. Clearly, I am not over some of the pain…but I am trying to find out how I can help myself deal with this.

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14 Answers

whyigottajoin's avatar

If I were you I’d talk to my current partner about this. Talking about it could help. Vent.

cheebdragon's avatar

That you’re asleep…?

It’s just a dream, and the more you think about it, the longer you’re going to have it.

jfos's avatar

It could be that the pain/stress that you buried after your relationship with the ex-boyfriend has risen to the surface, and your brain is reprocessing it. The first thing I would suggest is talking to your husband about it and trying to come to a conclusion. I would not suggest that you just forget about it or rebury it.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this all over again. I have been in a similar situation and I know how those horrible feelings in the pit of your stomach can sometimes make you start to question even the most solid relationships. I think the best thing you can do is talk to your husband about these dreams you’ve been having. Be careful about how you word things though. The last thing you want is for him to become jealous and start worrying that you’re in love with your ex. These dreams are probably happening because you’ve just seen and spoke to the man who broke your heart. And it’s been 5 years since you’ve had to face him. Seeing him is bringing back all those horrible feelings you’ve tried so hard to make disappear. Don’t dwell on these feelings. You can’t control you’re dreams but you can control your daily thoughts. As soon as you start to think about him, quickly correct your thoughts. Tell yourself that your past relationship with him has only made you stronger. It was a life experience and it has led you to your current husband. You’re happier than ever. And that’s all thanks to your breakup with your ex. Stay positive. The dreams will eventually fade. Good luck :)

wundayatta's avatar

It seems like inside you there are issues you thought you dealt with, but you did not come to closure on them. If I had to guess, I’d say fear of abandonment it the issue. Your first boyfriend did abandon you, and despite the solidness of your relationship, inside you, there is probably fear that your husband will abandon you.

I don’t know if you have ever had codependency issues with your husband. If you have, and thought you dealt with them, you might look to see if there is something happening there. Otherwise, the work is within you.

You sound like you’ve had therapy in the past. If you have, you may want to go get a “tune-up” with your therapist. If not, you may want to consider therapy. Or there are a number of books about self-esteem that might help.

You may want to get to a place where you are secure in yourself without reference to a relationship. This could make you feel better inside your relationship, and outside, in the rest of the world.

Anyway, that’s my take. Obviously you have your pick of interpretations. I hope that between us, you have something you can use.

Trillian's avatar

Sounds like the issues were buried but not resolved. You need closure. Try forgiveness. Look at each memory and consciously forgive him and let go.

Silhouette's avatar

To resit reopening an old emotional wound looking for the the myth of closure. You’ve moved on and sometimes that’s as close to closure as you get.

evandad's avatar

It means nothing and will fade away soon

FarewellStockholm's avatar

Thank you for all your responses.

Yes, I do think the dreams have something to do with unresolved issues in my past relationship. I was abandoned many times by this guy and it was during a time I needed stability the most. I do work on self-esteem with my current therapist.

@wundayatta I am am interested to learn more about the codependency issues. I am curious…what makes you think it may be a codependency issue?
I am a very intuitive person and very self-aware…but everyone has a blind spot or two. I have not really thought about codependency that often. What do you think?

Pandora's avatar

Being it was your husband and then turned out to be your boyfriend, could mean that you have current issues with your husband that may have been issues you once had with your ex-boyfriend. Meeting him again probably bought back some of the issues and in your sleep you are noticing that they are familiar in your current life. Maybe its time to clear the air with your spouse. (just guessing of course)

wundayatta's avatar

What clued me in to the codependency was all the loss you have had. It sounds like in one way or another, your parents weren’t there for you. That is the original abandonment. Thereafter, any time a boyfriend leaves you, there is another abandonment.

What this can teach people like this (of whom I am one), is that you are not very valuable and people can easily drop you. What you do then is cling on to your relationships very tightly. This can drive the other person away. In fact, people who need others very much often tend to mate with people who need space. I don’t know why. It seems so perverse. But that’s the way it works out.

So one person is constantly clutching and the other trying to gain space, and you’ve got a codependent relationship. Roles can change or reverse at times as relationships go through cycle after cycle of abandonment and remergance.

The imposition of your husband on your boyfriend made me think there are similar issues there. Even the fact that you said you live “in a very loving, secure, healthy and happy relationship” makes me wonder whether it really is as perfect as you make it sound. It sounds too good to be true. But I’m just an old skeptic.

Anyway, if you find yourself really needing your husband and he isn’t always available, or he seems to be looking for excuses to not be around, or if you start thinking you are nothing without your husband—those are some warning signs. We are supposed to be fine with ourselves with no reference to another person. I think. I’m not like that. So if there is any indication that you are enmeshed with your husband to a point where you are not yourself without him, it’s time to start working on your relationship to push it to a more effective place where you can experience what they call true intimacy.

I don’t know what a lot of these things are. I have learned the jargon (partly by asking questions here), but I’m not sure I understand them and if I understand them, I’m not sure I really think they are problems. But that’s what I know about it.

FarewellStockholm's avatar

@wundayatta Thank you again for your thoughtful response.

I see your point about me listing all the positive qualities about my relationship and why that would make you question. The only reason I did that was because I knew someone would question that I had a happy marriage and that me dreaming about my ex means I’m not happy….so far from the truth.

Actually, I am in a very happy relationship…we have both been in counseling for years and we are both very similar. We do kind of joke sometimes that we are codependent, but I am not sure that we really are. I did some research on codependency and it doesn’t sound like me at all. We both are the type of people who do kind of cling to one person…but we are both that way and we like it that way. We both have friends outside the relationship and function very well without each other. We just really enjoy each other’s company and would prefer to spend time together.

wundayatta's avatar

@FarewellStockholm That sounds good. You are fortunate.

That’s the other thing about dreams, though. It’s fairly easy to see what you want to in them. Did you get anything useful out of these interpretations? Were you hoping to get something you could use, or were you just curious what people would come up with?

I enjoy interpreting dreams, but that’s just because they provide plenty of material to invent a story from, and I love inventing stories. Sometimes people think my stories hit some mark of theirs; other times not so much. But I find it interesting to try to create a back story that would allow a dream to make sense. So thanks.

FarewellStockholm's avatar

I was just a bit confused and wanted to open it up to conversation. Sometimes others may see what I have not…in this case, it may be so.

I will surely bring it up with my counselor and we’ll talk it through together.

Thank you!

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