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JeffVader's avatar

How would you react if your long-term partner told you that for two thirds of your relationship they had been using you?

Asked by JeffVader (5416points) April 15th, 2010

By this they could mean either emotionally or financially, whichever would relate more to your personal circumstances.

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37 Answers

j0ey's avatar

I would feel completely taken advantage of, embarrassed, angry, and “used” if they made it clear that was the ONLY reason they were with me. And they admitted not having any real feelings for me in that time…..They would deserve a fly kick to the face.

However, I think to a degree, when you are in a long-term relationship, you are using the other person in certain ways, whether you admit it or not. You’re using them for emotional security, for sex, for company, for simply that feeling that they elicit in you. If you weren’t getting anything out of this person, then you would probably choose to be alone, or be with someone else.

Relationships have to be give and take though. If my partner had been take, take, taking, with no giving. And I was feeling that, then I would break up with them.

However, thinking of situations I have been in, If a partner told me they were using me for two thirds of the relationship, I would probably reply “So have I…...”

iphigeneia's avatar

I would be extremely impressed with their honesty. The fact that they are revealing this probably means that they are ready to give back and build a more secure, more honest relationship that will last long into the future.

gemiwing's avatar

I would wonder how I missed all the red flags after all the hard work I’ve done. I’d be depressed, angry, livid at myself for falling for it ‘again’. There may or may not be a beatdown involved however. I am only human.

partyparty's avatar

I would pat them on the back for being able to deceive me for so long.
Then I would pack their bags and throw them out of my life.
I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who was living a lie. I could never trust them again.

BoBo1946's avatar

take a long walk on a short pier!

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
Cruiser's avatar

It would depend on which ⅔…if it was the later part…I’d open the car door and give her a push. If it was the first ⅔ and now things were stellar I would attempt to confirm her feelings and intent to be genuine and give her the benefit of the doubt but still change the passwords on all my accounts.

thriftymaid's avatar

I hope this hasn’t happened to you, Jeff. I don’t know if I could stay in the relationship or not, even if the last ⅓ was genuine. Deceit is hard to forgive, and harder to forget.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

I honestly cannot say what I would do. I have often formed ideas of what I would do when confronted with a particular relationship issue, but each time I have been confronted with those issues I handled them completely differently. I don’t think it would be wise or accurate for me to continue making such predictions.

Bluefreedom's avatar

I believe I would be saddened that someone in my life had treated me this way especially when I’m sure that I didn’t deserve or encourage it and I would also end the relationship after I found out that this had occurred.

thezooloft's avatar

You can’t change the past so what does it really matter? Moving forward, if its the latter ⅔rds that was a lie, I’d end the relationship and move on with my life. Bad memories always fade away if you replace them with good memories.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I knew that from the very begining. Our relationship was based on her need for protection and care. Her love came later. I accepted that from day one and am profoundly grateful that I eventually earned her love. For an Aspie, that is really more than I had any right to expect.

slick44's avatar

Punch them in the face, pack my shit and leave. Never to look back.

JeffVader's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land You have to be one of the nicest people I’ve ever come accross, in my opinion the least you deserve is love!

slick44's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land .. Indeed you are a rare individual. good for you:)

Trillian's avatar

I also would want to know where the% was, at the beginning or now. I think that I wouldn’t be surprised. Then I’d probably decide to be alone.

Trillian's avatar

@JeffVader In that case lovey, I’d tend toward what @Cruiser says. I’d relish the trust behind the sincerity, and give it some more time but I’d change my passwords too.

aprilsimnel's avatar

I think I’d be a bit bewildered. So presumably at this 3/3 mark, they actually care about me and aren’t using me? Then why are they telling me about the first two thirds since that time is long past and no longer matters?

_Jade_'s avatar

I guess it would probably depend on which two thirds. If it was at first, it would then depend on how the relationship progressed, though there would be quite a trust issue to overcome. If it was the latter two thirds…bye.

trailsillustrated's avatar

when we were strangers he used me for sex and a maid. I used him for financial security. Now down the road it’s the same- but we are close and and have emotional intimacy. Are we still using each other? Are you each getting something out of it?

CMaz's avatar

Two thirds? How about all of it.

It sucks! It shows how sick people can be. And it super sucks knowing you did not see it.
Or you did see it, but refused “to see it.”

Sociopaths make for crappy partners. Once you are on to them.

JeffVader's avatar

@ChazMaz Yeh, all of it would be abit of a stinger!

wundayatta's avatar

For two-thirds of our relationship, you’ve been using me emotionally or financially. Essentially you’ve been lying to me all that time. Yet I haven’t noticed or I have noticed but not called you on it. Which suggests I’m getting enough of what I want out of the relationship whether or not you are lying to me.

All right. Why are you telling me this? You’re getting what you want. I’m getting what I want. What’s wrong?

Oh. You feel guilty. You’ve been getting over on me, and I’ve been letting you get away with it. You want absolution or something.

Well, you know what? You never should have told me. We had a relationship we each were getting enough out of to stay in it. Now you tell me this. It must mean you want to get out of the relationship. This information can’t possibly help our relationship. It can only hurt me.

Well, if that’s what you want, don’t let me stand in your way.

chelle21689's avatar

In a way I guess I can say I “used” my boyfriend ofr 4½ years. In the beginning I still liked someone else for the longest time and needed to get over them. My boyfriend knew this, but decided to pursue me anyways thinking that my feelings would change. It did after a couple months lol.

cak's avatar

Well…that was a big problem with my first marriage. I figured it out, eventually he confirmed the truth, that he was attracted to money, credit and my ability to have both. Yes, he liked what I looked like, but lied about loving me. He used me to gain some financial freedom and build his credit. Then he supported girlfriends on the money.

Notice I said my first marriage.

It crushed me, we even had a child together. He said he eventually fell in love and was there for the right reasons. I couldn’t look at my daughter and tell her that was the way to have a healthy relationship.

Blondesjon's avatar

I’d get really drunk and fuck all of her friends.

evandad's avatar

I’m not clear on the “usage” and find it hard to make a call because of that. I think a lot of relationships are built on a rocky foundation. If your partner is trying to form a firmer foundation then maybe you should go from there. I really don’t know though.

Ludy's avatar

My case, it depends on how long the relationship is, I mean, those things you kinda sense them unless you don’t want to admit it, I don’t think somebody could pretend for 50 years being in love w you for your money or fear to be alone etc etc, at some point you start noticing

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’d be somewhat understanding about the first ⅔’s of getting to know, choosing to stay, working on becoming a team but I’d be really hurt to learn the last/current ⅓ was based on something else than discussed and discovered together. I’d hurt like hell until I got over it and hope I wouldn’t be too jaded to give someone better a chance to love me.

CMaz's avatar

Let’s dig up the garden and ask her.

partyparty's avatar

@ChazMaz Oh naughty, naughty LOLL

BoBo1946's avatar

@ChazMaz Two thirds? How about all of it.

ditto, ditto, and a d i t t o!

JeffVader's avatar

@ChazMaz Hahahahaha, could be tricky excavating the patio though :)

CMaz's avatar

Yes, that cement slab would be an issue.

JeffVader's avatar

@ChazMaz That it would…... also working out which skeleton was hers…... I’ve said too much!

CMaz's avatar

I had that problem at my other house.

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